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  #1  
Old 07-13-2007, 11:23 PM
chris'wife chris'wife is offline
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Hello everone, Maybe you can help me understand. My husband has been home for a year and a half now, we have had our ups and downs for a while now, but things seem to be getting better between us. Last Aug. one of the guys that my husband was in with had no where to go his mother, father and wife all died while he was locked up. I really did not like the fact that he was coming to stay with us but I agreed for a while. After about three months of him living with us, the more I got to know him the more attracted to him that I am. I beleive that he is attracted to me too but because we both have respect for my husband I think that he would never try anything and neither would I. He has lived with us for almost a year now there is nothing more between us then a very deep friendship, but I know that I care about him in a way that I should not. I have been married to my husband for 17 years and I love my husband, but he has hurt me by the things that he says and does since he has been home. When he came home he was a changed man angry and bitter. He treats me as if I am the enemy. His drinking is out of control to the point where he had a stroke a little over a month ago. He failed a drug test for THC and has to take these classes. I have tried so hard with him I just do not know if I can keep going on. I know he feels that I do not feel the same for him, but he thinks I have feelings for a neighbor down the road he does not realize at all that it is his friend. I would never admit to either one of them my feelings because I do not want the issues that would come along with that. I do not know if my husband were to go back on a vilation if I could be as supportive as I was before, only because of the way that he has treated me since he has been home. The man that lives with us tells me if my husband were to go back he would be here with us he tells me he loves me all of the time and I just tell him I love him like a brother. That is untrue I love him too, he tells me that he wished that he could find someone just like me, but then he does like me and backs off. He spends more time with our kids then my husband and the kids love him. I know that I should not be feeling the way that I do, but what can I do
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Old 07-13-2007, 11:33 PM
mtinigoddess mtinigoddess is offline
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the only advice I can give you is you must be true to all of you. If you want to pursue anything with his friend you need to be up front and honest and take care of the situation you are in before you move on to any other relationship.If you aren't happy in your present relationship get out move on and then when all is said and done you can think about a new relationship.
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Old 07-14-2007, 12:06 AM
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Wow,,,because you have kids,,I would leave it alone,,too messy!
If you need a man to fulfill your needs pick one that is not under your roof. I would send him on his way and either try to work on my marriage with counseling or work on getting out and finding someone else who can be just as sweet to me and my kids.
Take care.
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Old 07-14-2007, 06:45 AM
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This other guy should find a new place to live pronto! Despite how your husband is acting, you are playing with fire. You have children. Concentrate on making a life with your husband or terminate your marriage, whichever is best, but deal with that first.
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Old 07-14-2007, 06:53 AM
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You've heard it all... looking for any more answers is just shopping for a "feelgood" solution.
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Old 07-14-2007, 06:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dmpdbd
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This other guy should find a new place to live pronto! Despite how your husband is acting, you are playing with fire. You have children. Concentrate on making a life with your husband or terminate your marriage, whichever is best, but deal with that first.
.
I completely agree with this one...word for word. Try to find the strength inside to encourage him to find a new home. See if that helps the dynamic with your husband. You may not realize that your signals are pushing him away and to drink more. Hang in there and everything will hopefully shake out for the best.
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Old 07-14-2007, 07:48 AM
chris'wife chris'wife is offline
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I know and I appreciate the advice. I am not sure that I would want to leave my husband. After 17 years of marriage it is very difficult to think of giving up on this.
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Last edited by chris'wife; 07-14-2007 at 07:50 AM.. Reason: misspelled words
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Old 07-14-2007, 09:03 AM
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I think it is really hard to gain perspective when you are right in the middle of the situation. If this man moves out, you may be able to take a step back and see if these feelings are sincere. Does that make sense?
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chris'wife
I know and I appreciate the advice. I am not sure that I would want to leave my husband. After 17 years of marriage it is very difficult to think of giving up on this.
Are you quite sure you are not viewing this from the perspective that there is nothing wrong with continuing to enjoy the flirting because, after all, neither of you are actually "doing anything" really wrong? And, even if something did develop.... don't you deserve the attention because of the way your husband has been treating you so mean?

Of course, there is the "safety net" factor. It looks like your husband might be on his way back into prison on a violation or something. What's so wrong with having back-door Johnny hanging around when he does? He can step right in, he is probably in love with you too, and the kids already love him. Seems like a fair result for all you've done and put up with.

Now, as you can see, these are just questions I'm speculatiing upon. Only you have the ability to search your heart to see if they are anything more.
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Old 07-14-2007, 11:21 AM
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Just a thought but if your husband was treating you and himself better than thoughts of this other guy probably wouldn't have entered your mind. I'm not jumping on your hubby or on any of you involved in this situation but I really feel that this guy is right there under your roof 24-7 and at least in your mind fulfills unmet needs in your marital relationship. This is in general not the basis for a relationship.

Give yourself some time to collect your thoughts then communicate them to your husband. If you want to work on the marriage then the two of you need to do so, you can't do it alone. It doesn't seem you can do it with this other guy in the house. It is my feeling that whether or not you and your husband can work out the problems you have together the other guy needs to move out.

Trust me if the other guy is the one you are supposed to be with in the end it shall come to pass. Meanwhile I believe you will feel best about yourself and future decisions you make if you continue to take the high road.

Whatever happens I wish you peace and joy and love.

All the best,
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Old 07-14-2007, 11:37 AM
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Man, you are in a hard situation. If I was YOU, I think that I would be honest with myself, try and figure out my marriage situation first, THEN deal with the feeling I have for the friend. Some people are going to get hurt in the end, but you do have to do what's best for you and your children FIRST. If they are around negative abuse, verbal and all and seeing their DAD drunk all of the time, than maybe he isn't a good person to have around. I think you should sit down and sort it all out and address the issues now. Good luck.
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Old 07-14-2007, 12:52 PM
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There's also something to be said about those "new relationship feelings" and it's always a wonderful rush to feel fresh love and attention you haven't received in awhile. What about when that feeling fades? Will it still be the same? There's also such a thing as an "emotional affair" that could be happening. You aren't having sexual relations with this guy, but you are pretty emotionally invested. I'd try to create some space and take a hard look at all of this. I'm not saying the answer is to stay or to go, it's all about you, your kids and what's right. Only you know the answer to that.
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Old 07-14-2007, 08:55 PM
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Whew! I think this is a time bomb waiting to explode. Be careful, be fair and be honest.

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Old 07-14-2007, 09:43 PM
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Talk to ur husband... tell him u dont like the way he is treating u and to please change... 17 years is a long time and kids are involved... Try working things out and if he still doesnt change then feel free to be happy and if theat means with another person go for it.... But try to work things out with ur husband first...
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:24 PM
chris'wife chris'wife is offline
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Thank you all for all of your advice, things have not gotten any better at home. Today was not a good day at all. That person was gone for awhile but things did not change for me as far as feelings. My husband has gotten worse I have never seen him this way. He threw me through a wall today and grabbed me by my neck. He came in last night crazy and took out things on the kids! He blames everyone else for our money problems but himself. I have to leave and I do not have any means right now to do so. I did not call the police I just do not like to deal with them. We are fighting over bills. Stupid uh, but when he turned toward the kids i cannot have that. I have to figure something out FAST.
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Old 08-28-2007, 06:39 PM
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If he is hurting anyone of you.YOU need to CALL the POLICE.
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Old 08-28-2007, 07:44 PM
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You don't have to have the means to leave - locate your closest domestic violence shelter & move on. They'll give you the resources to start your life over and counseling for you & the kids to help with the transition. Do not stay in an abusive relationship because of money...there is a better way.

To find help start at http://www.211tn.org/.

Good luck & let us know how else we can help.
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Old 08-29-2007, 08:53 AM
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Please, do what Sandra said. Whatever reasons you come up with for staying, there is an answer for. Please, get help.
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Old 08-29-2007, 06:22 PM
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GET OUT NOW!! I agree with Sandra. There are ways you can leave that will help keep y'all safe. Your local domestic violence center or hotline can help you come up with a plan.
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Old 09-01-2007, 12:38 PM
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First of all I want to say how sorry I feel for the lost connection between you and your husband....that is never an easy thing. Right now I am going through a very similar experience with my boyfriend (who I am actually considering leaving.....whom I know I should be leaving!). He's been very mean and unsupportive these last few months. Therefore, I can only imagine having some other guy under the roof....and especially a guy who gives me positive energy; sweet words, encouragement, help with the kids, loving and interested looks, and so on. After all, he's giving you everything your husband is not!!!

My concern would be whether or not he might treat you that way if your husband were treating you the same. You had said that this guy lost his father, mother, and wife while in prison. Understandingly, that is a lot of people to lose and I can only imagine how disappointing and saddening it would be to get out of prison and not see the people who matter the most.

He's obviously comfortable with you and your husband after a year and a half, but that is a long time for someone to be living with you and not moving on. What he shows you now is the exact opposite of what your husband is showing you, but who's to say that you really know this guy? Is it possible he's purposely being everything your husband is not? I mean if he has nowhere to go and looking to begin a new life isn't necessarily easy either.

Maybe you've considered these things already, but it would be terrible to leave the situation with your husband only to find out that it is going to be just the same or worse with this other guy..............maybe some time alone would be good for you. Sometimes in the midst of a crisis were are truly in the middle of an awakening. Something is telling us to pay attention.....our body is feeling jittery, we feel anxious, we just heard a piece of news that turns our insides out and were not sure what to do with it....we say were confused.....but if we were clear what might we say???? Sometimes it's easier to be confused than to make a decision. As long as we stay confused we don't have to do anything at all.......if were clear we might have to actually make a decision and follow through.

Maybe some time alone would help you reconsider what it is you want. Make a list of ups and downs....let yourself have a good cry......give the kids away for a day or two and take a mini vacation by yourself. Sometimes it's exactly what we need.....a quiet getaway to figure out what it is we need in our lives that were not getting.

Do something good for you and take care of yourself. Don't rush into any hasty situations just because the grass looks greener. Usually it is not.
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  #21  
Old 09-01-2007, 12:47 PM
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Sorry to say that,but take your kids and leave him.
My exhusband was acting the same way,he always promissed to change hisself,they never will change anything.
IT's hard but it's the best way for you and the kids.
Be careful,good luck.
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