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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

View Poll Results: Is your MWI Relationship a Successful One?
YES! We are in a good relationship 20 74.07%
Yes, We are doing OK, but its rocky 1 3.70%
No, it didn't even get off the ground 3 11.11%
No, we tried, but our relationship didn't make it. 3 11.11%
Voters: 27. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 10-28-2006, 11:59 AM
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Default MWI - Home - Successful?

Someone asked how many of us have successful relationships now that our MWI loved one is home, but we really don't have any statistics. PTO is young (we'll be 5 years old soon) so we don't have a LOT of stats, as well as the fact that many folks leave PTO after their loved one comes home - although thats something I just don't understand! However, lets get as much info as we can!

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Old 10-28-2006, 12:07 PM
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For us, Mr. has been home 5 1/2 months and we are very solid. We have our ups and downs like all married couples, but we have a lifetime commitment to each other and our marriage. I think what makes our marriage so successful is that we spent that 8 years getting to know each other completely. There has been few "surprises" since he came home because of the communication we had and continue to have!
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Old 10-28-2006, 12:11 PM
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I wavered briefly between we have a good relationship and we have a rocky relationship and settled on the good relationship as even though we've had some tough times they've served to make us stronger. We're not afraid to face difficult situations head on and to make our opinions known to one another. Communication is key to any successful relationship and success can ONLY be defined by those involved. Great thread idea!

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Old 10-29-2006, 06:50 PM
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Default It Was The Best Relationship

It was the best; he loved me harder than anybody else. He just thought I was so pretty and even my feet he would kiss them. We had alot of beautiful and loving times together. We walked holding hands or hugging and it was just different with him. I never felt so real with someone. However, getting exposed back to the streets brought out things that lead him back. He left loving me just as hard. But it won't to long now.
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Old 10-03-2019, 09:19 AM
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Man I cannot wait to vote on this (hopefully the "yes we made it!!!") in 3.5 years
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Old 10-03-2019, 07:16 PM
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Met in 2004; married on released in 2007; GREAT until he relapsed then rocky until he was rearrested in 2015 (got a 8 years sentence), he has been gone 4 years, still married 12 years later and 15 years after MWI. He is still IT
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Old 10-07-2019, 05:59 PM
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He's not out - yet. Next Spring. We are making plans for when he gets out. Where to live and where he's going to work. If parole will let us, we are maybe going to live in a travel trailer while he works for a kayak company. Talk about up close and personal for me - he's used to living in a confined space! We have had many ups and downs. I'll definitely keep in touch after he gets out. I want to write my Memoir and hopefully a blog.
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Old 12-15-2019, 09:58 PM
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He has been out a little over two years, about nine more months of Parole to go. Life is good together. We have been through some struggles, both lost loved ones to deaths since he got out, he is about 9 months from graduating with his degree. , He has great job with a nonprofit that values his experience on the streets and in the prison. He gets to work with people everyday in the same situation he used to be in. He is now starting to go to city grant negotiations for non profits seeking funds to rehabilitate ex felons, and recovered Addicts. People can turn their lives around. We enjoy a simple, but very fulfilling life together.
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Old 07-21-2020, 04:08 PM
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Jr was a lifer - served 20 years, we were best friends, got married, I took off and got back with an ex then came back, and though we didn't last two months upon his release, he is doing very well - has a strong support system, which began forming from the inside - with in himself, while in prison. He's a devoted man and very hard working - I am very happy he got a chase at living out here - he has lots of good friends and family.. hopefully a few gals too
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Old 07-29-2020, 11:17 AM
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We're four months post-release (eight years knowing one another, five married) but parole is in CA and I'm in AZ. We've had our fair share of challenges, some in part to the unique circumstance that is pandemic life. We haven't been able to spend any time together since his release so we'll be starting somewhat fresh, again, when this stretch ends and with any luck he is released to AZ.

That said, I know that of the three other couples with release dates within a few months of our own, none have escaped struggle to adjust. All of our husband's were long-term inmates (15 years+) and coping with a very changed world is not for the faint of heart. We're all still in our marriages, but we've all admitted this was difficult in ways we could not have anticipated.
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Old 07-31-2020, 08:27 AM
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We're four months post-release (eight years knowing one another, five married) but parole is in CA and I'm in AZ. We've had our fair share of challenges, some in part to the unique circumstance that is pandemic life. We haven't been able to spend any time together since his release so we'll be starting somewhat fresh, again, when this stretch ends and with any luck he is released to AZ.

That said, I know that of the three other couples with release dates within a few months of our own, none have escaped struggle to adjust. All of our husband's were long-term inmates (15 years+) and coping with a very changed world is not for the faint of heart. We're all still in our marriages, but we've all admitted this was difficult in ways we could not have anticipated.
Congratulations on your MWI coming home. My husband’s been out three days now. He lives in a halfway house 45 min away and we think that’s hard, I can’t imagine the struggle being in different states. Hopefully he can move to you in Arizona soon. Do you have any advice or “heads up” for those first few months out and at the halfway house?
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Old 07-31-2020, 09:03 PM
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We're all still in our marriages, but we've all admitted this was difficult in ways we could not have anticipated.
Care to elaborate?

I didn’t realize y’all hadn’t seen each other yet. That’s got to be incredibly frustrating. I hope you’re reunited soon.
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Old 08-01-2020, 01:51 AM
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Do you have any advice or “heads up” for those first few months out and at the halfway house?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kvinna20 View Post
Care to elaborate?
I didn’t realize y’all hadn’t seen each other yet..
Pre-covid, we thought he would go to HWH and be able to have weekend passes within a few weeks. Our plan had been to visit end of March for our 5th wedding anniversary. Then again sometime end of June for our birthdays and any other visits would be bonus. We also knew that at 90 days he could travel outside of LA county. That meant the ability to visit his kids and come down to San Diego and meet me for a visit. We thought he would be working-- he's ambitious and he's connected to folks who had opportunities for him. None of this happened. Having even that loose of a plan pulled indefinitely made me feel like he was in Prison Part II. He can't go out, he couldn't get his ID or a bank.account. He couldn't apply for work. He could watch a LOT of TikTok. Of course, after April, when it was clear this was going to be a long-term situation, things changed enough that he could start going to groups like NA online and classes started popping up on Zoom. All of that helped immensely with his activity level.

Covid was the structural unknown.

The personal unknown showed in the first few days out, before quarantine. It was almost like he was manic (not typical for him)-- he was constantly busy, like going to the DMV and waiting in line knowing he couldn't even get his ID because he didn't yet have the papers he needed. Going to meet up with this person and that person. He spoke quickly, vocabulary changes, rapid changes in his plans. Just go, go, go. If I didn't know better I'd be concerned that he was using. He made a huge change in plans by going to visit his family home which prior to release was not something he was anxious to do thanks to active members/substance abuse in his family. That was a very scary day for me because knowing how impulsive that decision was, it put everything about how firm his resolve appeared prior to release in question. If he was willing to take that risk, what else? He was locked down about a week/10 days after his release so that movement ended. But the changes in his speech (he had stopped swearing years ago, it came back with a vengence) and the aggressiveness in his demeanor was not only alarming but off-putting. I didn't know this man. My husband is pretty soft-spoken with me, a slow-roll kind of guy. This man in the halfway house was not that.

He's gone through periods of frustration having to do with a real absence of assistance from the HWH staff. I mean basic stuff that you would assume they would be responsible for like providing house expectations and schedules in writing does not happen. So there was that learning curve that was tough. Finding out that his PO is not only not interested in him doing anything but staying off of his radar, but will actually work against him (denial of employment offers, refusal to file his transfer paperwork until he completes six months in the HWH) has been fuel for his frustration. He spent about a month in "eff everyone" mode.

He is not the same man that left prison four months ago. He knows he has gone through a whirlwind of changes since release. He recognizes that he doesn't know who he is fully. He is in constant realization that his perceptions of life out here when he was inside were only partially informed in spite of trying to keep up (technology, beaurocracy, social norms). He acknowledges all of it and because of that, we can talk about it. But that has been so very hard because it means I have to be honest, as well. Having to do it all over the phone is just icing on the sh*t cake.Telling your husband that you don't like the person he is right now, or that his actions are hurting you, isn't easy. He's found plenty of things about day-in-day-out Mia that he's not super fond of, as well. I'm not as keen to.drop everything and take his calls now because we can have an opportunity later, unlike in prison. That took a while for him to get used to.

It's gritty and scary and every time I just pray we find our way through. So far, we're managing.

Last edited by miamac; 08-01-2020 at 01:54 AM..
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Old 08-01-2020, 07:34 PM
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Pre-covid, we thought he would go to HWH and be able to have weekend passes within a few weeks. Our plan had been to visit end of March for our 5th wedding anniversary. Then again sometime end of June for our birthdays and any other visits would be bonus. We also knew that at 90 days he could travel outside of LA county. That meant the ability to visit his kids and come down to San Diego and meet me for a visit. We thought he would be working-- he's ambitious and he's connected to folks who had opportunities for him. None of this happened. Having even that loose of a plan pulled indefinitely made me feel like he was in Prison Part II. He can't go out, he couldn't get his ID or a bank.account. He couldn't apply for work. He could watch a LOT of TikTok. Of course, after April, when it was clear this was going to be a long-term situation, things changed enough that he could start going to groups like NA online and classes started popping up on Zoom. All of that helped immensely with his activity level.

Covid was the structural unknown.

The personal unknown showed in the first few days out, before quarantine. It was almost like he was manic (not typical for him)-- he was constantly busy, like going to the DMV and waiting in line knowing he couldn't even get his ID because he didn't yet have the papers he needed. Going to meet up with this person and that person. He spoke quickly, vocabulary changes, rapid changes in his plans. Just go, go, go. If I didn't know better I'd be concerned that he was using. He made a huge change in plans by going to visit his family home which prior to release was not something he was anxious to do thanks to active members/substance abuse in his family. That was a very scary day for me because knowing how impulsive that decision was, it put everything about how firm his resolve appeared prior to release in question. If he was willing to take that risk, what else? He was locked down about a week/10 days after his release so that movement ended. But the changes in his speech (he had stopped swearing years ago, it came back with a vengence) and the aggressiveness in his demeanor was not only alarming but off-putting. I didn't know this man. My husband is pretty soft-spoken with me, a slow-roll kind of guy. This man in the halfway house was not that.

He's gone through periods of frustration having to do with a real absence of assistance from the HWH staff. I mean basic stuff that you would assume they would be responsible for like providing house expectations and schedules in writing does not happen. So there was that learning curve that was tough. Finding out that his PO is not only not interested in him doing anything but staying off of his radar, but will actually work against him (denial of employment offers, refusal to file his transfer paperwork until he completes six months in the HWH) has been fuel for his frustration. He spent about a month in "eff everyone" mode.

He is not the same man that left prison four months ago. He knows he has gone through a whirlwind of changes since release. He recognizes that he doesn't know who he is fully. He is in constant realization that his perceptions of life out here when he was inside were only partially informed in spite of trying to keep up (technology, beaurocracy, social norms). He acknowledges all of it and because of that, we can talk about it. But that has been so very hard because it means I have to be honest, as well. Having to do it all over the phone is just icing on the sh*t cake.Telling your husband that you don't like the person he is right now, or that his actions are hurting you, isn't easy. He's found plenty of things about day-in-day-out Mia that he's not super fond of, as well. I'm not as keen to.drop everything and take his calls now because we can have an opportunity later, unlike in prison. That took a while for him to get used to.

It's gritty and scary and every time I just pray we find our way through. So far, we're managing.

So sorry Miamac, I hope that everything starts to get better soon for the both of you. Just a question would you say that your husband is starting to experience PTSD after effects now that he's out of prison? Could that be another reason as to why you have noticed a big change in him? or do you really think that he's using?
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Old 08-01-2020, 09:00 PM
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The personal unknown showed in the first few days out, before quarantine. It was almost like he was manic (not typical for him)-- he was constantly busy, like going to the DMV and waiting in line knowing he couldn't even get his ID because he didn't yet have the papers he needed. Going to meet up with this person and that person. He spoke quickly, vocabulary changes, rapid changes in his plans. Just go, go, go. If I didn't know better I'd be concerned that he was using. He made a huge change in plans by going to visit his family home which prior to release was not something he was anxious to do thanks to active members/substance abuse in his family. That was a very scary day for me because knowing how impulsive that decision was, it put everything about how firm his resolve appeared prior to release in question. If he was willing to take that risk, what else? He was locked down about a week/10 days after his release so that movement ended. But the changes in his speech (he had stopped swearing years ago, it came back with a vengence) and the aggressiveness in his demeanor was not only alarming but off-putting. I didn't know this man. My husband is pretty soft-spoken with me, a slow-roll kind of guy. This man in the halfway house was not that.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. This right here, it’s exactly what we’re going through right now. First two days were great and then today, it’s like you say, it’s manic, aggressive behavior. And the f-bomb.... It’s like every third word... I asked him if he was doing drugs because this is so out of character. And he was going on and on about his arrest from like 12 years ago. The cops planted evidence, which would make anyone angry but it was 12 YEARS ago... And he’s never really talked about it like this in our entire 10 year relationship and now I feel like he wants vengeance. And that wasn’t until he talked to his new “buddies” in there.

Halfway houses are toxic. There’s no supervision in the dorm, there’s drugs and alcohol everywhere, 90% of the people there don’t care about anything.... And if he gets a job, they’re gonna go talk to his boss to make sure he works there. Halfway houses are not helpful, not if you have somewhere to go. It’s so frustrating.

Your post really helped. It’s nice to know that this is a phase they go through at the halfway house. I understand it’s frustrating when no one there wants to help, they actually do everything they can not to help. And then the whole COVID thing. I feel much better after reading your post though so thank you again.
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Old 08-03-2020, 02:37 AM
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So sorry Miamac, I hope that everything starts to get better soon for the both of you. Just a question would you say that your husband is starting to experience PTSD after effects now that he's out of prison? Could that be another reason as to why you have noticed a big change in him? or do you really think that he's using?
Neither. He spent the last four years in prison doing an incredible amount of work to really understand and process his past including drug use and his prison experience. I think it was being removed from his stable group of focused, healthy men that he had surrounded himself with in prison and thrown into an unstable environment where rules are subjective and there is rampant victim.mentality. He got heady with his freedom and took unnecessary risks. We both acknowledge that the covid quarantine has been a pain in the ass but it also forced him to slow down. HWH culture, as a rule of thumb, is a setup for failure and requires strict self-discipline to get through. But no- I do not believe any of this has to do with PTSD or substance use.
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Old 08-03-2020, 03:09 AM
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Neither. He spent the last four years in prison doing an incredible amount of work to really understand and process his past including drug use and his prison experience. I think it was being removed from his stable group of focused, healthy men that he had surrounded himself with in prison and thrown into an unstable environment where rules are subjective and there is rampant victim.mentality. He got heady with his freedom and took unnecessary risks. We both acknowledge that the covid quarantine has been a pain in the ass but it also forced him to slow down. HWH culture, as a rule of thumb, is a setup for failure and requires strict self-discipline to get through. But no- I do not believe any of this has to do with PTSD or substance use.

I'm glad that it's neither of the above and i wish that the both of you get to see each other soon. All the best to the both of you. I know that we're in uncertain and tough times.
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Old 08-05-2020, 07:56 PM
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My husband and I got to spend some time together today for the first time since he went to the halfway house and we had such a good time. He went to apply for a driver license and do the written test (he passed ) and afterwards we went for lunch at Chili’s. He was so sweet and caring and I could tell he really needed that time away from the halfway house.

Halfway houses are rough, especially now during COVID. He actually said he would have preferred to stay inside the last three months rather than do the halfway house. We’re still hoping he’ll be allowed home by the end of the month. It’s definitely not going to happen as fast as we thought it would. I think accepting that also makes it a little easier.
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