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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 04-01-2018, 06:13 PM
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Default Kinda regretting sending a letter

So when my ex was in jail the first time we got together but broke up a year later but stayed real good friends. We had been talking before he went back in for a violation of probation. I have been writing him.. only problem is my feelings for him never went away. (When he was out we would hang out but sometimes end up sleeping together) I just sent out a letter to him about how I really feel ow I'm kinda regretting it.
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Old 04-01-2018, 06:19 PM
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I don't think it's ever regrettable to let someone know how you feel. I think what's most important is making sure you do what's best for you, your life, and your heart. From experience I can say, we can love someone with all of our hearts and they may still not be good for us. What you need to decide is that even though you feel what you feel, is this person good for you. Best of luck
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Old 04-02-2018, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spidermonkeyx3 View Post
So when my ex was in jail the first time we got together but broke up a year later but stayed real good friends. We had been talking before he went back in for a violation of probation. I have been writing him.. only problem is my feelings for him never went away. (When he was out we would hang out but sometimes end up sleeping together) I just sent out a letter to him about how I really feel ow I'm kinda regretting it.
Okay, let's look at this realistically.

You have stayed close.

You've maintained, at least sometimes, a physical relationship with him even post-breakup.

You've got feelings and I'm assuming that there's a mutual interest on his part to have at least some kind of connection to you because he spends time with you when he's in the free world and responds when you write him in jail.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here at all. And that having feelings is 100% a natural course of the kind of relationship you've described here.

I also think, however, that you need to be true to yourself. He goes in and out of jail. That has to take an emotional toll on you.

And him being in jail seems to have only served to intensify the feelings that you have for him.

Telling him what you feel? I think that's fair game. I think he should know.

I think you need to be asking yourself WHY you feel the way you do about him, and I think you have to be realistic about who he is and what he is doing in his life. I think you need to draw a boundary for yourself in terms of what you will accept from him as far as in a relationship and as far as his criminal activity goes. Are you zero tolerance? Can you put up with some crap while he figures things out? Are you an absolute ride-or-die? My sense is you're probably somewhere in the middle, and knowing that, it's incredibly important that you know your limits and that you know when to say "stop." He needs to make better decisions about his life. You need to ask yourself about why you are making this decision about THIS MAN. I have my reasons why I made my decisions about Dee that I did when it defied rational sense to most other people and I stood firm in them. I have to wonder if your reluctance to speak your feelings is less about what you feel about him and more about your confidence in whether or not feeling something for him is the right thing for you.

Good luck.

-E
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Old 04-02-2018, 12:22 PM
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Just my opinion, but I think you made the right call, you should let him know how you feel. I think had you not written the letter, you would have regretted that too. Best wishes to you both!
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Old 04-02-2018, 04:42 PM
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It sounds like your relationship isn't over, or at least both of you still have feelings for each other. Maybe your letter will lead to the two of you reconnecting when his PV is over.
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Old 04-02-2018, 06:56 PM
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OK, I'll play devil's advocate--

Why did you tell him? What were you hoping to gain from it?
If you sent it and then regretted it, why the regret?

I think a lot of times we forget that folks inside get hurt, too. I know it would kill my husband if I were to jerk him around-- one day loving him, the next day needing to walk away, rinse and repeat. He'd probably put a stop to it and ask me not to write regardless of his feelings.

Yes, he sounds like he's got some growing up to do and learning to stay between the lines. But while he's doing that the best thing you can offer him is stability. Define what you're willing and able to be for him and stick with it.

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Old 04-02-2018, 07:10 PM
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I agree with Mia. Get clear with your intentions and what you can tolerate. Missing through it together might be more torturous.

Do you fear it because of rejection or because he may want you back in his life?
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Old 04-04-2018, 05:52 PM
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Why I told him. Is i felt he needed to know. Maybe I fear he won't feel the same. I'm waiting for him to call. He added me to his list
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Old 04-04-2018, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spidermonkeyx3 View Post
Why I told him. Is i felt he needed to know. Maybe I fear he won't feel the same. I'm waiting for him to call. He added me to his list
You'll never know the answer if you don't ask the question. It's okay to communicate, it's okay to be open about the way you're feeling. I do feel that he cares about you and if there is anything you feel you need to ask/tell him you should feel 100% comfortable doing so. I get it might be awkward considering you have no clue where the two of you stand. But why wait? You did the right thing.
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Old 04-06-2018, 11:32 AM
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Update. He just called. so he said he doesn't want to start something just yet but he will call every Monday and write me.!
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Old 04-06-2018, 03:48 PM
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Update. He just called. so he said he doesn't want to start something just yet but he will call every Monday and write me.!
Glad he called. Take it slow for both of you. Build a solid friendship. Expect nothing and you'll both win in the long run.
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Old 04-08-2018, 03:25 PM
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Update. He just called. so he said he doesn't want to start something just yet but he will call every Monday and write me.!


Hola chica, i am glad he has called you and MORE happy he is being real, and straight up - honest-with you. Most men would not have said straight forward talk like, "I'm not "as of yet" wanting as of now to "get back with you/to start up anything with you right about now."I would (from here on then)if it is not too painful write once in "a blue moon/talkon fone" ONLY if he is taking the time to do same. No need paying him too much attention to a guy IF he is not wanting anything with you right now, to start up right now. Pero...chica, building a solid mature friendship/no games involved/no deceit, is also better @ times then being all "physical."
-
Or...just let him (sometimes) call you again IF not too painful. .I wish u best of luck and take care of u first, meaning if this is going to be too hard for you, then i would not speak with him at all and still live a happy healthy nice blessed vida! Good luck. Hugs -n-Blessings.Adios.
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Without "action" applied to his words, it's not real.#DON'T SETTLE.

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