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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 02-07-2018, 10:20 PM
Hurley123 Hurley123 is offline
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Our marriage did get approved. I have seen how he has been desperate for money lately. If this does not workout between us, he can legally get half of my stuff. I really feel in his situation that he might try to take it. I won't marry him UNLESS there is a pre nup. That is something we need to talk about..... He is a great guy and I love him but desperate times calls for desperate measures. I need to protect myself.

This is something I worry about also....what can we do to protect ourselves if we get married and things don't work our
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Old 02-07-2018, 11:00 PM
rockchalk1 rockchalk1 is offline
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I am glad that you finally did hear from him at least. I am sure that was a relief. I also understand the conflicting feelings you are going through and how hard it must be for you. Have you considered going to a therapist and discussing this and your situation? It could possibly make you feel better and you might look at your situation from an entirely different perspective. Also, it helps to have someone to talk to that won't judge you and isn't biased one what or the other.

Separately, it does sound like you are answering your own questions when you say you are having trouble with the financial trust issue. It is also an issue if you live in a community property state as the rules are completely different there.

If I recall, he isn't going anywhere (as far as getting out of prison anytime soon) so you hold the cards as far as timing in getting married, so use them and tell him you're not ready (as it sounds like you're not) and take your time as marriage to anyone (whether incarcerated or not) is a big commitment and a big decision. We get married with the intent of it being for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, it does not always work out that way. Marrying someone who is incarcerated with a long prison sentence, will make it even more challenging than a typical marriage.

As for protecting yourself when/if you go through with the marriage, that is absolutely your right and there is nothing wrong with that. I am divorced from my first husband and when I married him, I thought it was forever, and while we have a somewhat amicable relationship, it probably would have made things a lot easier if we had a prenuptial. Fortunately, we were pretty reasonable about our assets but there were still some that I should have received that I didn't. A prenup would have taken care of that.

With my second and current husband, because I have 4 children with my first husband and my current husband is kind of a spendthrift, there was no question that we were going to have a prenuptial. For exactly the same reasons you stated why you want one, to protect myself (and my children). It doesn't mean I love my husband any less or even that I don't trust him. But divorece is messy and I wouldn't want him to claim any stake in what is mine or what is to be my children's if we divorce. It's actually fairly one-sided to my advantage, as he didn't really care, and to be honest, if we got divorced now, the fact that he is now in prison and after the money spent on his restitution and case all but wiped him out, he would pretty much be screwed royally if we got divorced because there's nothing of mine that he could get, and there's nothing joint that we have on paper. Of course, lucky for him, I have no intention of divorcing him and he'd be crazy to divorce me but the point is, yes, you definitely want a prenup and if he were to get mad about it, and imply you don't trust him, etc. then that is a big red flag and unfortunately, it probably then is not meant to be.

Trust you gut. We want our marriages to last forever. You want to marry him when you are 100% sure. If you're not, then you need to wait until you are, but do not let him bully you or make you feel bad about it. And, do NOT contact his friends to send him money. I would be mortified asking others to send money or anything for my husband. I've had people offer to send him books (he's into reading about each President in order) and has a list, so when someone offers we give them the next book on his list, but aside from that we don't ask anyone to send anything else and won't ask them to visit him either, unless they offer since it's so costly.

Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll know what is right when you need to do it.
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:04 AM
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Thanks for everyone's comments. Lately, there has been red flags. He thinks everyone owes him. His friend had been struggling making ends meet and E got him a job. He makes a lot of money now. Most people would be happy that they could help a friend but not E. He needs to give him money because he owes him. Last night, I noticed on Facebook that his friend got a brand new Mercedes. I told E. He said that he needs to talk to him. I asked why. He has never wanted to talk to him before. Oh... He owes him money because when he was arrested, the guy took his car and then it got repo'd. He owes him $2,000. I am pretty sure the car would have gotten repo'd anyways. Who would pay his car note when he is locked up? He can't use the car where he is anyways. It is just ridiculous. I did comment on Facebook that was a very nice car. Come to find out, the car wasn't even his. He was standing beside it for a picture. Now, he wants another friend to visit him. Not so much to see this person but she will bring his daughter to visit..... Again - using someone. I have prayed to God what I should do and all of these things occurred. I finally see the light. His friends will too one day and get tired of it just like I have........
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:23 AM
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MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
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Wow, turned big time hustler now, did he? I believe that he tries to make himself as "comfortable" as he can possibly be being incarcerated until he dies. I get that. But this "owing" thing is a humongous red flag. Next thing you'll notice if you're trying to "slow things down with him" you'll start "owing" him stuff.
I don't know you or him or your dynamics but my gut-feeling is not good to what you're describing. If this would be me I'd talk to him very openly one more time and if that doesn't give you the results you're hoping for then run for the hills. He sounds like he's turning into a "Soprano" and I personally would not want to be acquainted with people who are like that.
Good luck!!
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
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Old 02-14-2018, 12:14 PM
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Any chance he's in debt himself? I get that some people just run on the entitled side, but if this all happened somewhat suddenly, that seems odd.

Like Mizzy, I couldn't be with someone who had this mentality. I call it 'keeping score'. That's an ugly game that never ends and I don't have the energy to play it with the one person I'm supposed to be able to count on through thick and thin.

I'm sure you've got some tough thinking and conversations ahead of you. Best of luck.
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:02 PM
xolady xolady is offline
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He sounds like he feels entitled. Why I have no idea, but wouldn't feed into his games. OP you sound like your done that's a good thing, as he is sounding needier and needier!!! The emotional black mail is enough to make any one walk!!
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:54 PM
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Idont blame you for walking and well done for looking after yourself and recognizing red flags as some people never do. You can and will find better and happier. Good luck.
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

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