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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

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Old 07-06-2012, 11:01 PM
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Default They call it intimate partner violence...

The guy I just started writing too is currently on trail for shooting and killing his girlfriend. He's only been in a few months but when I saw the look on his face and eyes in court for some reason my heart went out to him. I decided to write him a letter. As a complete stranger because I was. We've only been writing for a few weeks but I feel for him. I know the vicitim's family is beyond devastated. No one wins though, both her family and his family are grieving, for different reasons. I am sure he is too! In every letter he thanks me over and over again for reaching out to him- even though he said he has a lot of family and friends that write him.

I haven't told anyone I write him. I don't think they would understand and probably get on my case at every opportunity. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy!!! I don't feel crazy but man I know the reactions I'd get from my family and friends.....
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:27 PM
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I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you would go for a guy that has a history of hurting the ones he "loves"?

And I don't mean that in a rude way. I'm just honestly curious. Aren't you worried that (if/when) he gets out, he'll do the same thing to you? Clearly he has no qualms about it, unless it was some kind of accident?

Sorry, I know you wanted someone to tell you you're not crazy- but I'm kind of confused.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:32 PM
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I'm just a complete stranger and I'm going to tell you to tread lightly with this man. Please guard your heart.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:36 PM
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The guy I just started writing too is currently on trail for shooting and killing his girlfriend. He's only been in a few months but when I saw the look on his face and eyes in court for some reason my heart went out to him. I decided to write him a letter. As a complete stranger because I was. We've only been writing for a few weeks but I feel for him. I know the vicitim's family is beyond devastated. No one wins though, both her family and his family are grieving, for different reasons. I am sure he is too! In every letter he thanks me over and over again for reaching out to him- even though he said he has a lot of family and friends that write him.

I haven't told anyone I write him. I don't think they would understand and probably get on my case at every opportunity. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy!!! I don't feel crazy but man I know the reactions I'd get from my family and friends.....
I do not think you are crazy for reaching out, if you are doing so as a friend. On the other hand, if you are reaching out in hopes of having an intimate relationship with him, I would be careful of what you may be getting yourself into.

Just be careful and watch for signs and red flags. Don't be naive about his crime.

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Old 07-06-2012, 11:38 PM
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I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you would go for a guy that has a history of hurting the ones he "loves"?

And I don't mean that in a rude way. I'm just honestly curious. Aren't you worried that (if/when) he gets out, he'll do the same thing to you? Clearly he has no qualms about it, unless it was some kind of accident?

Sorry, I know you wanted someone to tell you you're not crazy- but I'm kind of confused.
Hi Gueros- My ex husband and I have been arrested several times for hitting each other- one time I even took a pen and stuck it in his foot- it was mostly me starting the physical fights, so in a sense I can see how things can get out of hand. My 2nd husband and I have never been in a physical fight. Apparently he was heavily intoxicated they were fighting and he held her down and put the gun to her _____ (not head) and he said they started to struggle and the gun went off. My heart went out to him because you can tell he regrets it and is not handling it well either.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:40 PM
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Is the type of crime he committed the reason you have not told your husband that you are writing to him?
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:40 PM
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I'm just a complete stranger and I'm going to tell you to tread lightly with this man. Please guard your heart.
Miss A- thanks for looking out- I don't have plans on being in a relationship with him. I have told him I'm interested in being friends only (pen pals) he may get life for this. I don't know yet.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:47 PM
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Is the type of crime he committed the reason you have not told your husband that you are writing to him?
I don't think so. My husband clearly has trust issues. He doesn't even like me going into the city to hand out 5 loaves of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I make to the homeless men.

My husband wouldn't let me take a job where there was a man working at that I had slept with years before him. The guy was married and had kids by then too. So was my husband and I.

I really don't know the root of hubby's insecurities. I have asked him why he objects to me continuing friendships with men that I have had well before I met him and he said he just doesn't trust men and thinks they all have ulterior motives. I have already lost 2 great male friends from high school that were even wanting to meet hubby.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:47 PM
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Ok so you are married, writing 2 seperate guys (that you claim are just platonic) and your husband does not know about them. I think you may have issues that you are not addressing properly but I won't call you crazy.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:49 PM
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Ok so you are married, writing 2 seperate guys (that you claim are just platonic) and your husband does not know about them. I think you may have issues that you are not addressing properly but I won't call you crazy.
Yes I have been told my heart is too big and I jeopardize/ruin things for myself to give to others.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:49 PM
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A man would never get by telling me who I can work with where I can go or what I could do. I also don't keep secrets.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:52 PM
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Okay we're getting off topic. You can find her other thread if you wish to discuss the issue of her writing men behind her hubby's back. I only brought it up here because I thought that might be a reason (the crime). Let's stay on track folks...
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Trondogs

Hi Gueros- My ex husband and I have been arrested several times for hitting each other- one time I even took a pen and stuck it in his foot- it was mostly me starting the physical fights, so in a sense I can see how things can get out of hand. My 2nd husband and I have never been in a physical fight. Apparently he was heavily intoxicated they were fighting and he held her down and put the gun to her _____ (not head) and he said they started to struggle and the gun went off. My heart went out to him because you can tell he regrets it and is not handling it well either.
Well all of that is unfortunate. But, if you are reaching out as a friend- then I don't think its crazy. Just be careful
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Old 07-07-2012, 08:15 AM
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We've only been writing for a few weeks but I feel for him.
Tread very very lightly as Ms_A said. If this happened recently, this man has a trainload of issues to work through and NEEDS to do it on his own. It's great, wonderful for him to have support from the outside but he needs to have space to deal with his inner demons...guilt, remorse, depression, acceptance, forgiving himself, and developing a personal drive to help others from committing the same stupidity. It's quite a bundle and it ain't gonna happen after a good night's sleep. We're talking several years perhaps.

Since you go out of your way to help others, I hope you don't over-extend yourself to "help" this man. There's nothing you can do for him other than offer an ear and a non-judgmental attitude. If you stay level headed and keep this relationship as a strictly platonic one...then no, you're not crazy.
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Old 07-07-2012, 09:33 AM
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I just find it odd that you would post this is the "loving a violent offender" forum when the person is just a platonic pen-pal friend that you just met a "few weeks ago".

Hey, I'm no psychologist but it seems to me that maybe you are reaching out to befriend men in prison to defy your husband's extreme jealous tendencies.

I personally think you time would be better spent working with your husband on the issues that the two of you have, mainly why he is so insecure. Once you have that in check, you would probably be in a better position to befriend an inmate. It sounds to me like you are completely open to the relationship(s) taking a somewhat romantic turn and that is something that you should examine the reasons for.

Prisoners are people too, not just playthings or outlets to work on ones issues...
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Old 07-07-2012, 11:48 AM
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Tread very very lightly as Ms_A said. If this happened recently, this man has a trainload of issues to work through and NEEDS to do it on his own. It's great, wonderful for him to have support from the outside but he needs to have space to deal with his inner demons...guilt, remorse, depression, acceptance, forgiving himself, and developing a personal drive to help others from committing the same stupidity. It's quite a bundle and it ain't gonna happen after a good night's sleep. We're talking several years perhaps.

Since you go out of your way to help others, I hope you don't over-extend yourself to "help" this man. There's nothing you can do for him other than offer an ear and a non-judgmental attitude. If you stay level headed and keep this relationship as a strictly platonic one...then no, you're not crazy.
Yes, this will never be more than a friendship.
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Old 07-07-2012, 11:52 AM
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I just find it odd that you would post this is the "loving a violent offender" forum when the person is just a platonic pen-pal friend that you just met a "few weeks ago".

Hey, I'm no psychologist but it seems to me that maybe you are reaching out to befriend men in prison to defy your husband's extreme jealous tendencies.

I personally think you time would be better spent working with your husband on the issues that the two of you have, mainly why he is so insecure. Once you have that in check, you would probably be in a better position to befriend an inmate. It sounds to me like you are completely open to the relationship(s) taking a somewhat romantic turn and that is something that you should examine the reasons for.

Prisoners are people too, not just playthings or outlets to work on ones issues...
I didn't know where else to post about a violent offender. The pen pal forum section didn't really get into specifics about writing platonic to violent offenders. This loving violent offender forum actually had some great advice about even being friends with a violent offender.
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Old 07-07-2012, 11:37 PM
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Tread very very lightly as Ms_A said. If this happened recently, this man has a trainload of issues to work through and NEEDS to do it on his own. It's great, wonderful for him to have support from the outside but he needs to have space to deal with his inner demons...guilt, remorse, depression, acceptance, forgiving himself, and developing a personal drive to help others from committing the same stupidity. It's quite a bundle and it ain't gonna happen after a good night's sleep. We're talking several years perhaps.

Since you go out of your way to help others, I hope you don't over-extend yourself to "help" this man. There's nothing you can do for him other than offer an ear and a non-judgmental attitude. If you stay level headed and keep this relationship as a strictly platonic one...then no, you're not crazy.
I listen to him and send him pics of the beach, weather, etc, my dogs and kids and my husband and I. I don't see him getting the wrong impression but many people that have been on here much longer than I have say for them it started off like this and said it will head the romantic way- and I hope it doesnt because then I will have to set more boundaries and hope he's ok with then and he can respect them so that we can continue to write. I wonder if anyone had a pen pal that tried to get romantic and the "set them strait" and the continued to be friends with no problems or boundary crossing?
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Old 07-08-2012, 10:30 AM
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You are lacking something in your own life that you are trying to provide for him. Whatever it is you are trying to do for this man, is exactly what you are looking for, for yourself. Please be careful, and I suggest you find empathy in your heart for someone less violent, like fatherless children, kittens or military amputees... the look in his eyes that pulled you in, is something you see in your own reflection in the morning. This will not end well dear.
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:16 PM
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You're sending him pictures of your KIDS???
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:54 PM
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I think that with your own history of involvement with violence in the home that it's probably a terrible idea for you to get involved, on any level, in this guys situation but obviously, I'm a day late and a dollar short with that opinion and I'm fairly sure that you're not going to back away just because this is not somebody who has nobody to write, he has a family that has, by your account, not turned their backs.... I will say, though, that sharing photographs of your family and pets is a bit too "intimate", emotionally (stick to neutral pics, like landscapes, cool street scenes, funny stuff from the internet, etc) and that you need to set boundaries NOW, not after a line gets crossed..... and speaking of crossing the lines, I know this is off topic but how would you feel if your husband were sending photos of you, your kids and your home life to a total stranger without your knowlege or consent? He already has some trust problems, so I would think you'd want to avoid doing things that directly involve him behind his back.
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Old 09-06-2012, 06:28 PM
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Hi Gueros- My ex husband and I have been arrested several times for hitting each other- one time I even took a pen and stuck it in his foot- it was mostly me starting the physical fights, so in a sense I can see how things can get out of hand. My 2nd husband and I have never been in a physical fight. Apparently he was heavily intoxicated they were fighting and he held her down and put the gun to her _____ (not head) and he said they started to struggle and the gun went off. My heart went outo him because you can tell he regrets it and is not handling it well either.
You are not crazy, just compassionate. I, greatly, respect that. Agree with everyone else that you should be careful, but...I think you know that.
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:43 PM
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If he has only been in for a short time he probably hasn't resolved his feelings about his crime and incarceration and is probably in a very vulnerable and conflicting frame of mind. I think, considering your home situation and relationship with your husband, the inmate's status and how you seem so comfortable with sharing your family with him, I think this is a powderkeg with the potential to explode.
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Old 10-24-2012, 03:15 PM
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The guy I just started writing too is currently on trail for shooting and killing his girlfriend. He's only been in a few months but when I saw the look on his face and eyes in court for some reason my heart went out to him. I decided to write him a letter. As a complete stranger because I was. We've only been writing for a few weeks but I feel for him. I know the vicitim's family is beyond devastated. No one wins though, both her family and his family are grieving, for different reasons. I am sure he is too! In every letter he thanks me over and over again for reaching out to him- even though he said he has a lot of family and friends that write him.

I haven't told anyone I write him. I don't think they would understand and probably get on my case at every opportunity. Someone please tell me I'm not crazy!!! I don't feel crazy but man I know the reactions I'd get from my family and friends.....
hey trondogs i just want you to be careful and to take precautions due to his history but hey we can not help who our heart loves by the way my son name is tron but good luck n your relationship

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