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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 07-01-2011, 07:04 PM
B0N3 B0N3 is offline
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Default Son wants me to bail him out - need some support

Hi all,

Quick story as I've read it here and you've heard it many times:

My son has been using heroin for the past two years and has recently started injecting it. He's been to detox 20 times in 8 months, each time getting out and using shortly after. We've set him up in sober houses, programs, holdings .. he stays for a bit, then decides it's time to use again.

We've sectioned him 3 times through the court, the most recent was about a month ago where he was at MASAC (Bridgewater, MA) for alchohol and substance abuse. The judge ordered that he stay for a mandatory 30 days and report back to court on July 5th for a criminal misdemeanor hearing that just happened to fall on the day we sectioned him.
At Bridgewater State Prison, he had his phone privledges shut off because of a haricut he received by another inmate (they're not allowed to alter their appearance), so we haven't been in contact for the last week or so.
I found out yesterday that he was transfered to Plymouth County Jail and can be released on bail at any point (so much for the mandatory 30 days). I don't know why he was transfered to Plymouth County, but I'm assuming it was for behavior reasons, or just overpoplulation.

Anyways .. he keeps trying to call me now and I'm sure it's for me to bail him out. I was planning to pick him up at his court hearing on July 5th, then take him to a treatment center. But now that has all changed. I feel horrible for not answering the phone, because I know he will harrass me to bail him out. I just can't deal with it this weekend .. and it figures it's a long weekend on top of it. Seems that this ALWAYS happens on a long weekend. Should I just not answer the phone and let him deal with jail for the next 3 days?

I know it's up to him to want to get better .. and I can't enable him .. what do you all do in these situations?
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:26 PM
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Turn off the ringer on your phone. After all you've been through with him and done for him, perhaps its time to take a step back and let him take responsibility for his actions. I know you love him and want the best for him...but there comes a point when its time to let them go. Enjoy a quiet, guilt free week-end. Welcome to PTO
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Old 07-02-2011, 04:25 AM
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I agree with patchouli. You need to take sometime out and look after yourself first.
We all love our kids and want whats best for them but sometimes they have to find it out the hard way. I know you will always be there for him but you can only deal with so much at a time. We are always here to listen and support you
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Old 07-02-2011, 04:33 AM
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Thank you .. I needed to hear this.

This forum is amazing. I can't believe I just found it last night. So many stories I can relate to.
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:14 AM
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I'd say you have two choices in this matter. You can talk to him and tell him that you're not bailing him out. OR, you can turn the ringer off on your phone and let him have the weekend to think about things.

Personally, I would talk to him and straight up tell him that I am not bailing him out. You didn't put him there. His own actions put him there. If you keep bailing him out, he will continue to do what he is doing because he knows that you will always be there to get him out of the messes that he has made by using drugs.

I know it's a tough decision. As a mother, we don't want our children to suffer. BUT, you do him no favors by bailing him out.

Welcome to PTO!!
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:52 AM
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Wow, I really feel for you. I think the responses you received were right on. You do have to step back and let him figure out what HE needs to do.

It's going to be tough, but I think this site will surely help you with support.

Good luck and try to have a great weekend
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Old 07-02-2011, 08:14 AM
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I agree with the other posters, you can either talk to him and tell him that he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, or turn off the ringer.

This is a chance for you to practice tough-love. You have tried to help him, with no success, and we all know that if someone has an addiction, NOBODY can make that person get clean and sober, THEY have to want it. To me, it sounds as though your son has not hit his bottom and is not ready to get clean. You have to accept that, whether you want to or not. You are setting yourself up for disappointment and failure when you continue to try and get him clean, not to mention a large sum of money.

He needs to know that you are not willing to be a part of his life, until he chooses to get clean, because it hurts too bad to see him go through this. That may sound harsh, but I do not mean it that way, at all. When we enable people to continue their lifestyle of using, ie by bailing them out, giving them money, we are feeding their habit.

Take a deep breath, realize that he has to make the choice to get clean, and enjoy your weekend.

As the 12-step saying goes "courage to change the things I can". Have you thought or attended any Al-anon meetings in your area? I belong to codependance anonymous, as well as Al-anon and they both are very helpful in dealing with addictions and how to detach with love.

I wish you the very best and hope that your son seeks recovery sooner than later.

Peace~
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Old 07-02-2011, 12:51 PM
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I myself went through drug addiction with my husband. We have two girls and I was finally tired of always bailing him out and him going right back to it. I had him arrested for possesion this last time, went to court and asked the judge for no bail explianed his history and he will just repeat the same actions again. Well it has been two years, he is clean he recieved his GED in prison. He has recieved the couciling he needed. He has less than 6 months left, in which he plans to start college. He will be home in time for christmas which is going to be the greatest gift my kids and I could recieve. Daddy home sobor and ready to embark the journey life has to offer as a family. Its not easy letting someone you love go, and it hurts and its hard on my kids too. I had to teach myself not to run to his aid everytime. I had to disicipline myself to let him pick himself up or else he would never succeed.
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Old 07-12-2011, 02:33 AM
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You have to teach him a lesson. Its time for him to be independent and take responsibility for what he had done.
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:19 AM
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Don't bail him out! Sounds like "tough love" is what he needs now.
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:35 PM
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What everyone has suggested to you here is so very true! I have a son who has battled heroin addiction for many, many years. I tried everything I new to do and could find to help him and no matter what I did, I couldn't fix him. It was a nightmare! It took rock bottom and landing in prison for him to realize what he was doing and what he wanted. Even though I do not agree on the length of his sentence being ten years, I know if he hadn't went to prison he wouldn't be alive. I wish the best for you and your son, hugs!
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