Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > When the Relationship is Over...
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 07-03-2018, 12:02 AM
WeepingWillow's Avatar
WeepingWillow WeepingWillow is offline
Southern Fried Site Moderator on Leave

PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,812
Thanks: 3,080
Thanked 3,232 Times in 1,153 Posts
Default Red Flags that you ignored or wrote off?

I think the biggest mistake I made was attributing some of his negative behaviors to “prison life” and not expecting him to bring those behaviors home. They didnt affect me much when he was in prison, so I didn’t think they’re affect me when he came home. Oh so wrong.

We didn’t argue much when he was locked up, but we did have a couple big blowouts. The thing is, fighting through letters and phone calls and visitation is way different than fighting in real life, so I didn’t really witness his anger. We’d cool off separately and then reconvene, “suddenly” all level headed and calm.

Both of those times, my husband casually mentioned later that he’d been so upset he’d punched the wall. Because we’d already made up and were all lovey dovey, I probably chastised him a bit but not much more thought was put into it. I guess I thought maybe being locked in a cell and not being able to talk things through caused the behavior. The environment’s fault, not his.

Well, lemme tell you, once he came home, all that forced space to calm down and recenter during a fight was GONE and it wasn’t pretty. And guess what? There are holes in two of my doors, brought to you by his fists during anger. We had to have a come-to-Jesus talk a couple months in that consisted of “You break any more of my hard-earned shit, and you’re gone.”

Why the heck was I so surprised that he was breaking things during a fight when he was breaking things during fights when he was locked up?

I probably shouldn’t have been surprised when he threw one of his coworkers 15 feet across their workplace because the guy shoved him out of the front of the line to clock out for the day. Had someone shoved my husband out of the commissary line, I would’ve expected him to throw the guy, honestly. “Prison politics” and all that. But I suppose I thought all those behaviors would be left behind when prison was left behind. Not so.

He was always honest about who he was. I just made too many excuses for him.
__________________

Last edited by WeepingWillow; 07-03-2018 at 12:14 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to WeepingWillow For This Useful Post:
Hurley123 (07-03-2018), lovinglife30 (07-14-2018), maytayah (07-03-2018), missingdee (07-03-2018), MizzyMuffling (07-03-2018), Sarianna (07-03-2018)
Sponsored Links
  #52  
Old 07-03-2018, 12:51 AM
Hurley123 Hurley123 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: California
Posts: 202
Thanks: 705
Thanked 197 Times in 105 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
Actually, while this is an old post, it's not a bad one to revive. I think a lot of things could be learned from this.

I'm going to get a bit candid. I've talked privately with a few admins and mods about the down sides to my relationship with Dee. You'll usually hear me talk about things to celebrate and throw in a side of caution.

This might be in at least some ways the most negative thing I ever post here (though not entirely negative.) I don't do it to talk down about inmate relationships or post-prison relationships. I don't do it to speak ill of Dee or even myself. And no, this isn't a "relationship is over" thing either, but because red flags do put us in a position to question ourselves about our relationships and about whether or not to stay, I think it's appropriate.

I used to downplay Dee's offenses. I think, by telling myself that somehow she was different, that she was an "outlier," that she "cared more about her kids and her family than normal criminals do" and all that, it allowed me to ignore red flags and big bright red flashing lights.

By doing that, I recognize at this stage of my life that I was sending out some pretty significant red flags of my own to other people.

Dee comes with a series of red flags. She means well, yes. But I recognized to myself recently, when I looked at some of the down sides to our relationships....the woman I fell in love with tends to be a criminal at her core. It doesn't make her bad. It doesn't make her unloveable. But it's something I've had to come to terms with myself. Do I stay in a relationship with someone who I romanticized for, just maybe, something she is not? Or something that she is, but that what I acknowledged about her was only a small part of the total sum of the person she is?

We each make our own decisions going into these relationships. We continue to make them throughout. Our loved ones are, in many cases, damaged. That's okay. They are human. You don't have to love a criminal to love someone with red flags waving. But the reality is....everyone comes with some red flags. And we all ignore them. Or acknowledge them and brush them off. I think that's something that has to be considered when discussing red flags. If we blew off every red flag that came with every person, we'd quickly find ourselves alone and unable to connect to anyone.

I came to a conclusion.....red flags are everywhere. Dee's a criminal. She's an addict. She has severe mental health difficulties that become more apparent the longer I know her. And it puts me in this quandry, over and over again.

If I knew, 8 years ago (actually a little more, we first met in May of 2010,) everything I know now, would I have taken the same chances? Would I feel the same?

I don't know. And neither do any of us.

It's the risk we take when we fall in love with anyone. Criminal or otherwise. Our loved ones are not better or worse than anyone else out there. They may, in some cases, be more damaged, have more problems, have less-attractive tendencies.

But we are all human. We all have our limits and lines.

It is up to us to look within ourselves to know what is right for us. And to know where those limits and lines need to be drawn. And, if necessary, to be okay with getting out of a relationship when the time is right.

The first year Dee was out almost felt like a fairy tale. The last six months have been a bit of a shock to the system, frequently a reminder of the other side of things. The worst parts of Dee...at least as she is currently. At times I get angry and frustrated about it. And I'm not going to lie. Going my own way has crossed my mind. More than once. And I've certainly had people tell me to.

So why am I still here? Why haven't I left?

Because one night, in the midst of feeling empty and apathetic, I sat for hours going through the relationship in my mind. From Day 1. That first time I saw her. This beautiful creature walking into my life from seemingly nowhere. I actually went back before that, since obviously this far in I know her history, I've seen pictures...I've actually archived a lot of her old digital photos and videos. Her past. I put together the entire picture in my mind.

And then I looked at myself. Who am I? Why did I get into this? Why am I still here?

And ultimately...I saw that beautiful creature again. We weren't in a good place at that moment. So I texted her. And I said "I know things have been rough lately. I want you to know that you are as important to me today as you have been from the moment I met you. Even more so. I don't know if everything will be all right. But I do know that I'm not walking away."

And no, things haven't been perfect since. But we've found a new appreciation for each other in light of that. Dee's not one to open up and get emotional.....never has been. But for us....it broke a fresh cover of ice that had separated us emotionally. And I can't guarantee that it means we make it. But I can guarantee that I know, whether I'm with her in 5 years or we are on opposite sides of the planet because life takes us different ways, we will always be family. And I think.....that is huge.

We all come with red flags. Some people's flags are bigger than others.

And yes. Some of these folks in prison are, literally, just looking for ways to use and exploit people. It's survival.

And others don't know how to have a stable relationship because maybe they've never had one before. Maybe they don't know how to treat others well, and their response to kindness and compassion is to take advantage. Maybe they don't even realize they're doing it. I wouldn't doubt that there are some inmates who use and abuse people who love them, then when it's over are sad about it and try to understand why they did it...genuine remorse.

I'm still here because I looked at this imperfect, flawed, frustrating human being with about a million tendencies I don't like....and I realized that in spite of all of that, she opened up her life to me. She let me in. She put trust in me to be her love, her advocate, her knight. She made herself vulnerable with me in ways that she never made herself vulnerable with anybody else. And I came to realize that I was as imperfect, flawed and frustrating as she was in my own way. And yet somehow, she has brought out the best in me. Time and time again.

I've had a lot to process in the past six months. I haven't been around as much partially because at times I've been at a loss. But I'm here to say that yes, our loved ones, even the best among our loved ones, come with red flags. And sometimes that means "get out."

But not always.

I guess my ultimate point is.....whether it means the relationship is over or not.....when we come across those red flags, we need to, as yuliya has....to be able to look at our own roles in it. Because each of us plays a role. We didn't make them criminals. But we elect to bring them into our lives. Making one of these relationships work oftentimes takes a bigger heart, a bigger tolerance and a hell of a lot more understanding than just picking someone living a quote "normal" unquote life.

It's okay if it turns out our hearts, our tolerance and our understanding don't reach those levels.

For those who's relationships have failed, I'm sorry. I hope that you've found your peace and moved on.

For those who's are succeeding, congratulations, I hope that continues to be so.

And for those in the middle, which is where I kind of feel like I am at the moment....don't hesitate to question yourself, your motives, your own weaknesses and mindframes. But also don't be afraid to love them and give them what you feel you can. If it's going to work....it's going to work. If it isn't, it isn't. Just remember...we're all human at the end of the day.

-E
WOW!!!!! just WOW!!! I am in admiration of everything you have written!!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hurley123 For This Useful Post:
missingdee (07-03-2018)
  #53  
Old 07-03-2018, 01:24 AM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: NC & Germany
Posts: 3,470
Thanks: 3,182
Thanked 3,638 Times in 1,576 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WeepingWillow View Post
I think the biggest mistake I made was attributing some of his negative behaviors to “prison life” and not expecting him to bring those behaviors home. They didnt affect me much when he was in prison, so I didn’t think they’re affect me when he came home. Oh so wrong.

We didn’t argue much when he was locked up, but we did have a couple big blowouts. The thing is, fighting through letters and phone calls and visitation is way different than fighting in real life, so I didn’t really witness his anger. We’d cool off separately and then reconvene, “suddenly” all level headed and calm.

Both of those times, my husband casually mentioned later that he’d been so upset he’d punched the wall. Because we’d already made up and were all lovey dovey, I probably chastised him a bit but not much more thought was put into it. I guess I thought maybe being locked in a cell and not being able to talk things through caused the behavior. The environment’s fault, not his.

Well, lemme tell you, once he came home, all that forced space to calm down and recenter during a fight was GONE and it wasn’t pretty. And guess what? There are holes in two of my doors, brought to you by his fists during anger. We had to have a come-to-Jesus talk a couple months in that consisted of “You break any more of my hard-earned shit, and you’re gone.”

Why the heck was I so surprised that he was breaking things during a fight when he was breaking things during fights when he was locked up?

I probably shouldn’t have been surprised when he threw one of his coworkers 15 feet across their workplace because the guy shoved him out of the front of the line to clock out for the day. Had someone shoved my husband out of the commissary line, I would’ve expected him to throw the guy, honestly. “Prison politics” and all that. But I suppose I thought all those behaviors would be left behind when prison was left behind. Not so.

He was always honest about who he was. I just made too many excuses for him.
For some reason your words touched me because I believe when my guy comes home there will be a lot of anger, resentment and frustration coming out. He's a pretty level-headed guy but he gets to aggrevated sometimes with the guys in prison that I believe he wants to punch them but he's behaving because he doesn't want to screw up his record and his being moved to Minimum. This must come out at one point, I hope it's not going to be holes in doors but still better than blue eyes or some other crazy shit...

Thank you for sharing, really helpful!!
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
missingdee (07-03-2018), Sarianna (07-03-2018), WeepingWillow (07-03-2018)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:28 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics