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  #1  
Old 02-10-2019, 03:17 PM
LightningStrike LightningStrike is offline
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Default Advice on speaking with new pen pal?

I have never done this kind of thing before and today I made contact with a female inmate. To my surprise she has replied back and seems happy that I had reached out to her with words of encouragement.

My first question is - what is a good healthy reply rate? I do not want to cause her any anxiety thinking I am ignoring her as it would put a lot of stress on her, and I also on the other side of the coin do not want to seem overbearing. Should I respond every couple of days? My goals are to create a healthy friendship that we can build on.

She asked my motivations for reaching out -- the truth is I have never been in direct contact with someone who has done really bad things before and I think everyone has good in them so I wanted to expand my horizons. On the other side of the coin, it is quite exciting to have this direct contact.

Any advice that you think I could benefit from? Again - thank you a lot for reading and taking your time.

Lightning.
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Old 02-10-2019, 07:32 PM
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Most folks are not incarcerated because they've done really bad things, although there are those that have....I will say that individual perspectives vary on what constitutes "really bad things." Here on PTO, there is no hierarchy of offenses; no best, better, or worst. Just loved ones helping each other get through their journey through the injustice system & prison

My fear would be that if you reply immediately to every email, as does she in return, it could get a tad expensive for you, but especially for her. Opinions are gonna be very different on this, but I'd reply every couple of days or so, maybe even every 4 - 6 days.

I wouldn't specifically ask about her offense....if she wants to talk about it, she will. Keep it light and a tad "generic" (non-personal) at first. When you find common interests (books, music, hobbies) expand into more personal dialogue.


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Old 02-11-2019, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by patchouli View Post
Most folks are not incarcerated because they've done really bad things, although there are those that have....I will say that individual perspectives vary on what constitutes "really bad things." Here on PTO, there is no hierarchy of offenses; no best, better, or worst. Just loved ones helping each other get through their journey through the injustice system & prison

My fear would be that if you reply immediately to every email, as does she in return, it could get a tad expensive for you, but especially for her. Opinions are gonna be very different on this, but I'd reply every couple of days or so, maybe even every 4 - 6 days.

I wouldn't specifically ask about her offense....if she wants to talk about it, she will. Keep it light and a tad "generic" (non-personal) at first. When you find common interests (books, music, hobbies) expand into more personal dialogue.


Happy Writing!!


Thank you for the response, and yes I do agree that not everyone has done bad things. I have paid for her to respond back to me also and she appreciated that. I haven't asked about what she did because I already know, but in my belief there is no such thing as a bad person only bad circumstances.

I understand that if we do build a positive friendship, whatever im doing now I would need to keep up because if she thinks im ignoring her its going to cause her a lot of stress which she can't do anything about. Yes I realised it could get expensive, so I might wait like you said - she responded back to me within like a couple of hours? She said she might have cancer which has made me quite sad. Is it weird to care about someone I only just met?

Anyway, thanks for the reply.

Last edited by LightningStrike; 02-11-2019 at 05:48 AM.. Reason: More info
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Old 02-11-2019, 11:24 AM
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Marseille Marseille is offline
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Originally Posted by LightningStrike View Post
Thank you for the response, and yes I do agree that not everyone has done bad things. I have paid for her to respond back to me also and she appreciated that. I haven't asked about what she did because I already know, but in my belief there is no such thing as a bad person only bad circumstances.

I understand that if we do build a positive friendship, whatever im doing now I would need to keep up because if she thinks im ignoring her its going to cause her a lot of stress which she can't do anything about. Yes I realised it could get expensive, so I might wait like you said - she responded back to me within like a couple of hours? She said she might have cancer which has made me quite sad. Is it weird to care about someone I only just met?

Anyway, thanks for the reply.
This is making lightning bolts go off in my head.

First of all... you’re romanticizing the idea of prison and inmates and the “really bad things”, which is sort of weird and offputting but whatever. For the record, there ARE such things as “bad people”... and yes, some of them are in prison and still doing bad things and I have a strong suspicion you’re about to see one do some of those bad things to you.

Lesson 1: if you found a female inmate on a prison penpal website, you aren’t the only one writing her and she will suffer no undue stress or anxiety due to the timing of your response. Creating the perception that she is lonely and needs you is just something she needs to check off her list.

Lesson 2: she “might” have cancer... but she probably doesn’t. But it made you sad, it got you feeling sorry for her, it got your emotions going... and that’s another check off the list.

In future messages, you can look forward to learning that her mom or dad or aunt or whomever normally sends her money suddenly hasn’t been able to do that lately so she’s really struggling without her special food/vitamins/soap/whatever. Don’t worry, she won’t ask you for money. She won’t have to, because you already feel sorry for her.

Once you’ve sent her a little money for her to “get by”, she’ll start asking so sweetly... could you send just a little more? Just until mom/grandma/whoever can help out again? It would mean sooooo much and you’re the only person in her life she can count on...

I’m sorry to be a bitch. Really. But your post here and the other one about how to be worthy of someone’s friendship... I’m sorry, but you are absolutely ripe for the picking and you’re going to get taken for a ride. Poor self-esteem/low self worth, bleeding heart for inmates, fascination with the perceived edginess of communicating with a felon, easily flattered by a sense of being needed... you’re a dream mark for a scammer.

I could be wrong about her. But I’m probably not.
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Old 02-11-2019, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Marseille View Post
This is making lightning bolts go off in my head.

First of all... you’re romanticizing the idea of prison and inmates and the “really bad things”, which is sort of weird and offputting but whatever. For the record, there ARE such things as “bad people”... and yes, some of them are in prison and still doing bad things and I have a strong suspicion you’re about to see one do some of those bad things to you.

Lesson 1: if you found a female inmate on a prison penpal website, you aren’t the only one writing her and she will suffer no undue stress or anxiety due to the timing of your response. Creating the perception that she is lonely and needs you is just something she needs to check off her list.

Lesson 2: she “might” have cancer... but she probably doesn’t. But it made you sad, it got you feeling sorry for her, it got your emotions going... and that’s another check off the list.

In future messages, you can look forward to learning that her mom or dad or aunt or whomever normally sends her money suddenly hasn’t been able to do that lately so she’s really struggling without her special food/vitamins/soap/whatever. Don’t worry, she won’t ask you for money. She won’t have to, because you already feel sorry for her.

Once you’ve sent her a little money for her to “get by”, she’ll start asking so sweetly... could you send just a little more? Just until mom/grandma/whoever can help out again? It would mean sooooo much and you’re the only person in her life she can count on...

I’m sorry to be a bitch. Really. But your post here and the other one about how to be worthy of someone’s friendship... I’m sorry, but you are absolutely ripe for the picking and you’re going to get taken for a ride. Poor self-esteem/low self worth, bleeding heart for inmates, fascination with the perceived edginess of communicating with a felon, easily flattered by a sense of being needed... you’re a dream mark for a scammer.

I could be wrong about her. But I’m probably not.
Thank you very much for the response, its ok I never once thought you were a bitch, just someone looking out for me and I very much appreciate that : )

I am looking forward to starting a friendship with her. She may ask for some money and I probably would give some to her. I am not against it. I give not looking to recieve anything back, so I wouldn't be worried if she suddenly stopped talking to me one day. I don't have any intentions of getting romantic with her, I just am after her friendship nothing more.

You make a very good point that she may have a lot of people talking to her, so my response times may not actually matter.

Thank you so much again!

Lightning.

Last edited by LightningStrike; 02-11-2019 at 03:37 PM.. Reason: Info
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Old 02-11-2019, 03:42 PM
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Hi,I like to penpal and recently I married my penpal so I am the last person to discourage you from offering friendship and enjoying correspondence.

However,your post has red flags flying all over it. You are attracted to looks, you are struggling to find women to date as you work long hours, you have a very romantic view of prison and offenders and you wouldnt mind sending money.

You do sound like a scammers dream. Are you aware that pen pals are big business in prison. An easy way to get money and gifts? There are people who have been conned out of thousands by inmates claiming to be ill, having no food or clothing.offering marriage and children. These people are very skilled in telling you what you want to hear and spotting your weaknesses.

Please think about what you are doing, please dont send money. Friendship should be enough without that. The "I may have cancer", sounds like a potential scam. Be careful ,very careful.
You sound like a nice person but you also sound like a victim in waiting.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:29 AM
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It is strange to me that you've only written once and you already assume that not hearing from you will cause her bad anxiety and stress. I'd like to understand that more.
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