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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

View Poll Results: Did you know him before or MWI?
Married prior to incarceration 27 11.44%
Knew/dating prior to incarceration, but married while incarcerated 28 11.86%
Knew/dating prior to incarceration, not married yet, but want to (either during or after) 87 36.86%
Knew prior to incarceration, not married and no plans to 18 7.63%
MWI, married 11 4.66%
MWI, not married but want to (either during or after) 36 15.25%
MWI, not married, no plans to 29 12.29%
Voters: 236. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 06-21-2008, 06:47 PM
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CHELpea CHELpea is offline
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we are MWI: not in a relationship, but wanting to take that step, and loving the idea of going far and beyond.

our worst case scenario is that he does all of his time, in which i would be by his side for eight out of his 15 years of incarceration. he's got 10 down, but we've only been in each other's lives 2.5 years, ooooo, going on 3 in November!!!!
~Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.~ John Lennon.
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Old 03-27-2015, 01:36 PM
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Sammy's Girl Sammy's Girl is offline
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We are MWI and have been together for 3 years. We still are not at the 'I love you' stage, although I believe we both feel that way and are just scared to say anything. I know I am.

Not sure about marriage. Today I would not do it, but who knows what the future holds!
CDCr kicked him out of the SHU, YAY!!!
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Old 03-27-2015, 05:48 PM
jadah jadah is offline
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We dated off and on for 13 years before we got married while he was locked up in prison. We should have gotten married sooner but what did I know?
"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 04-02-2015, 06:05 PM
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bethanieb bethanieb is offline
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Thank God I didn't met him before he went in. He is more of a mature man in his life now, then years ago. We've crossed the marriage topic, but he doesn't want to marry inside and I do. We both want to get on our feet and one day make that next step. Oh what a day that will be !
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Old 10-30-2015, 04:18 AM
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Psychocandy Psychocandy is offline
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We MWI been together as a couple 3 years now. Wouldnt marry in prison but making plans on a big wedding when he comes home in 24 months.
Mrs Mroch
Just like the sunshine after rain
I'll come
To be with you will save the day
'Cos I know
When I'm with you again
You just steal my heart away

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Old 10-31-2015, 12:36 PM
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We were married way back in our twenties then divorced. We looked for each other many times in the past but never located each other as I am in Texas and he was in California. I found him on Facebook and found out he was in prison thru his daughter. We started writing and now we are engaged and we both have found the pieces that were missing throughout our life with out each other. We are truly soul mates!!
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Old 04-28-2016, 03:08 PM
Revenwyn Revenwyn is offline
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Be prepared for a really long story...

We met as children, were in love during high school but growing up in a fundamentalist Christian cult that believed dating was sinful, we were never allowed to date or even say that we loved each other. All of our communication to each other was within earshot of our parents and if we talked to each other for more than 5 minutes a parent would come and drag us away from each other.

He moved away when I was 17, and he was forbidden any contact with me. His parents moved to the middle of nowhere; in addition they did not get internet access at their house. Without the internet or access to it, there was no way to look up my phone number or address, so we lost touch.

When I was 20, three years after last contact, I was still madly in love with him. While on vacation in their state, I called his family, hoping to get some information on him. They told me to come to their house, as they had something important to tell me about him.

I got there. They told me that he was dead. I was too much in shock and grief to process everything going on right then, but as I worked through it, things did not seem right.

Living in the cult, I was not allowed to have a job, so I had no money to pay for a search on him. But nothing seemed right. When a child dies, most families would have almost a shrine for that child somewhere in their house. It was like he had been scrubbed from their existence. There were plenty of pictures with their other children in the house, but there were absolutely none of him.

In addition I was so sheltered that I had nobody who was willing to help me get out of the cult or let me live there. I rebelled and decided to choose my own husband. I met my (now late) husband a year after I was told Matt was dead, and married him five years later, with my family doing everything possible to try to break us up. I finally left the cult by becoming homeless and got married soon after.

Six months after my marriage, I convinced my husband to let me look for him. I needed the closure. I figured that ten years after we last had contact, he would be with someone or he would have changed too much for me. I found out he was in prison. I waited a month- he was NOT someone I could have seen going to prison!- and then I decided I would write anyway.

From the first letter back it was as if the ten years had never happened. Three years in we finally admitted that we loved each other. He started corresponding with my husband, who at this point was told that he was starting another flare up with his lupus. My husband, who was a bisexual man, fell in love with him too, and we were going to try to be a polyamorous family, all living under the same roof when he got out.

That didn't happen. My husband passed away on April 1st from his lupus. But Matt has been incredible. He told me that my husband had written him a letter- very shaky since he was incredibly weak- and asked him to continue to be with me and marry me when he gets out.

I thought my first love was lost to me, and found another I loved just as much. I couldn't choose between them. I literally couldn't. They understood and were willing for us to all be together. Then I lost my husband, but will hopefully soon be reunited with my first love after 16 or 17 long years.
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Old 08-15-2016, 07:23 AM
Sean’sWife82 Sean’sWife82 is offline
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We met 10 years ago we were neighbors. He liked me but I had a boyfriend. He told me he was turning himself in for drug charges and asked if I would write him. I said I would and wrote and fell in love lol I really got to know him on a deeper level. I didn't want to wait the 2 years though and ended up meeting someone else and got married I never stopped thinking about him though. When I eventually divorced I reached out when I found him in prison. Sounds like a bad idea but he was always so good to me and my kids he loved me and tried to make me happy. I am not only talking about when he was in jail but outside. He took parenting classes and relationship classes anything to better himself. That is why I am waiting. I didn't wait before and I married someone who never made me as happy. I believe my man when he says he wants a new life and he will do everything he says he will do. His phone calls and letters make my heart pound. I can't wait to go visit and see him again we will have our first kiss in prison lol although we have cuddled on the couch and talked for hours when we were friends back in the day. I feel like we have a solid foundation and true bond to build from.
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Old 08-15-2016, 07:27 AM
Sean’sWife82 Sean’sWife82 is offline
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Originally Posted by mysid View Post
We were married way back in our twenties then divorced. We looked for each other many times in the past but never located each other as I am in Texas and he was in California. I found him on Facebook and found out he was in prison thru his daughter. We started writing and now we are engaged and we both have found the pieces that were missing throughout our life with out each other. We are truly soul mates!!
That's really beautiful! Love will always find a way I like to believe.
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Old 08-22-2016, 11:33 AM
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julzb julzb is offline
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We were together 2 years before he was arrested. He got 34 years and has done 22. We have been married for 5. Now he has decided because of a letter from a institutional type church on the outside that I am not worthy of him because I was divorced prior... which he always knew. Head games and I am so over it.
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Old 08-23-2016, 04:57 PM
nygirl17 nygirl17 is offline
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We met almost seven years ago a month before a nine month prison term. He got out we got married and here we are again. This time is much harder then last time.
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Old 12-07-2016, 03:19 AM
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bjp4life bjp4life is offline
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Yes. We met in '89; I was 16, he was 18. It's been almost 30 years n we still have a mutual crush.
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Old 04-22-2017, 06:57 PM
Tina Tina is offline
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I know several long-term sentenced offenders. I knew all but one of them before they went in.
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Old 04-27-2017, 03:18 PM
SusuLaila89 SusuLaila89 is offline
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Yes, we knew each other prior to him being incarcerated.
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Old 06-09-2017, 04:17 PM
HisHarleyQ HisHarleyQ is offline
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We met before he went to jail, been together for almost six months.
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Old 06-15-2017, 05:02 PM
khharris khharris is offline
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I met him through the teaching of his daughter last year but we didn't start dating until January this year. He was sentenced in mid March and remain together and just recently celebrated our 5 month anniversary. I have plans to wait for him (he has just over 6 months left)
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Old 08-20-2017, 06:18 PM
Curt'swife8 Curt'swife8 is offline
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We had an intense, yet casual, love affair before he was incarcerated. Neither of us could move past our true passion for each other despite our efforts. We established a solid friendship (while still lusting for one another in a very big way). After some years, we gave in and made it official. He proposed. We got married. And here we are... 20 and counting! A true whirlwind love affair!
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Old 09-15-2017, 12:09 AM
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Mels5 Mels5 is offline

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Yes we've known eachother for 5 years and have been together for 5 year's. High school sweetheart's We got married while hes locked up 2.5 month's ago
I will wait for him he has been there for me like no one else and I plan to do the same for him. He accepts me exactly the way I am and the love he shows for me is perfect I don't need to look for it anywere else because I know I won't find it. More reason's of course but Id be here forever lol point is love has me waiting
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Old 11-12-2017, 10:22 PM
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Default Please help

Can you help me on something,I have to send my cousin a message is your husband in pelican bay.
I’m begging please help (702)7137354
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Old 11-12-2017, 11:09 PM
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Dylan's Girl Dylan's Girl is offline
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Default Advice please from anyone with a similar situation and their experience

I have nearly exactly the same story as you, we knew each other in high school and I messaged his twin sister back in January of this year because I seen she posted on Facebook that he was locked up and asked if anyone was writing him, then it began and here we are now, we have been writing deep letters every since and I just went to my first visit to see him two weekends ago, girl let me tell you a man has never made me feel like I was the only woman in the world..he has a 3 year sentence for dating a girl 4 years younger than him, he stopped paying her mom's bills and moved out, a year later she asked him if he would pay her bills again and he said no..10 days later cops showed up at his door..she was 14 and he was 18 at the time..and I have just totally fell in love with him..I have been single and celibate for almost 3 years, my son is almost four and we are living in a brand new big camper and I pay all my own bills, he has the same goals and dreams I have of buying a property and building a house, hence why I got a camper to build my credit, my credit is already going so well..we want to move in together in my camper when he gets out July 4 2018, 8 months left and I just don't know if rushing, I'm a Capricorn and a very slow mover in relationships but he like no other man has been able to do, is make me feel comfortable and able to entirely be myself which blows my mind..and I just really need some advice because I have done this before, and the guy used me, I did the whole nine yards for the other guy and he just didn't care when he got out but Dylan writes me so much differently and treated me so different at VISO..he is everything I asked God for in a husband and his family has confirmed everything about him to me..that he's not the prison fantasy type..but I'm so well established and doing very well on my own as a single mom with a full time job and I still have a little extra money..do any of y'all think I would be wrong to take my vacation time off for the first week he's out, spend some days with him, move my camper onto a friend's property and live together before I take a loan out for a property to put my camper on?I don't wanna just see him and then take out a loan before living with him, but the way we both feel is we will be living together within the first few weeks of him being out..we are on the same level and flow of mind and we can read each other's mind, I have never felt a connection with a man like this before, let alone someone like me at 23 years old doing this well by myself makes boys afraid because I don't need them but he finds it wonderful which makes me think he's a man because he's not intimidated by me. I just really need some advice. My mom and nana love him already and think it's a great idea, I'm on my Nana's land right now. Comments please and thank you, he's 23 as well and we knew each other as teenagers, haven't talked since we were 17.
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Old 02-23-2018, 01:29 PM
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Skorpio1111 Skorpio1111 is offline
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Dated on & off for about 5 years due to him being in and out of the system. Sept 03 he was sentenced 20-40yrs. I stuck around in the beginning but then just stopped. No explanation, no goodbye, nothing. I was young, 21 at the time & wasn't sure of much. Flashforward to 2015, I can't stop thinking about him & knowing I let too much time go by already, I made contact with him again. We have been talking since. We are not in a relationship currently but the chemistry is undeniable. I still look at him as unfinished business. He still has a couple years before he's up for parole so we have plenty of time to decide if we're going to finish what we started when we were 2 reckless teens in love.
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Old 02-24-2018, 08:20 AM
melissa323 melissa323 is offline
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We are MWI and in a relationship but have only been officially together for 5 or 6 weeks. Although the official relationship stage is new, we have been writing and talking on the phone for a year now (started as friends/pen-pals) and admitted that we had developed feelings for one another about 6 months ago, we just took our time before we decided to actually be together because we knew it was a big decision.

In terms of why I've decided to wait for him... I don't really know. I just know that I love him and want to be with him. The circumstances are what they are and so I must deal with them in order to be with him. The way I see it, I would rather be with him in this restricted and difficult way than not be with him at all. He has about 10-20 years left and we are both still young, I'm 25 and he is 26. We have the added complication that he is in the US and I'm in England, but we make it work
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Old 04-25-2018, 06:59 PM
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Kirin Kirin is offline
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I didn't knew him prior but I would totally marry him. He's more reluctant though :P
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Old 05-26-2018, 10:39 PM
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Default My Story

Like many of you ladies, I find my story kind of interesting :-)

The man who I am in love with, is actually someone I grew up with. We grew up as cousins, although there is NO blood relation - his mother (who already bore all of children) married my uncle. So my uncle was his step father for some years. However, my uncle divorced his mother when I was still a kid. Me and my love, his name is Louis (for the sake of easier typing) grew up together until I was about 11 or 12 years old. I never saw him as anything more than my cousin who I was really close to. He treated me like a princess; but again, I didn't see anything more. I didn't even have feelings for the boy.

Life went on, I moved out of the neighborhood we grew up in and forgot all about him....and he went on with his life. So how did he and I get back in contact?

Well, Louis has 2 brothers - so, one brother, the eldest one, Ronny, and I reconnected in 2008 or 09 upon HIS release from prison (he was paroled on an assault charge or something like that). I saw Ronny as the older brother I never had. I never thought to ask him about Louis. So maybe a year or two later, Louis' OTHER brother, the youngest brother, Chris, who also was in prison for a short time, called me out of the blue (how he got my number? I'm now thinking was through Ronny) and that's when I began to wonder about Louis and asked questions. So when I found out Louis was incarcerated, something in my soul desired to reach out to him. My reason was because we used to be so close, and I was saddened that he was in prison (plus, I'm nosey! LOL)

So, that fateful day happened sometime in 2012 or 2013. I wrote him - no motive but to say hello and connect. It was cute, because maybe 2 weeks later, I got a response, and he was so nervous and really didn't know what to say. His response letter was not even a whole page. Mind you, it had been a good 15 years since we even said hello. So, we went with the flow. He caught me up a bit on the fact he had children, etc. and that he was a believer of the Islamic faith. For whatever reason, I continued to write him, and he wrote me. We quickly connected. Again, only as cousins, he never made a pass. His letters became multiple pages long....Never asked for money or favors. He was just so grateful for my time (as I was for his). Months begin to pass....he saw me through all of my various 'sexapades,' emotional trials in other areas of my life, and even a marriage that came and is kinda going....he ministered to me on so many occasions and NOT once did I see anything but a man who loved me and was glad to have me in his life....

Fast forward to year 2015 or 2016. I finally made the trip to go see him in person. He was 3 hours away (I'm in Dallas, TX and he was in New Boston, TX). OMG he is VERY nice on my eyes! And I think he feels the same. But, we just talked, as 'cousins.' I can see that his mind is stuck on when he went in at age 21. He was 35 at the time (I was maybe 31). But we really enjoyed our conversation. We found out that neither one of us has ever been in love - even with me being in the free world all of these years. We did come to the conclusion that we are a lot alike in many ways.

So, life goes on, and in 2017, I marry my husband (not the love of my life, but a good man, nonetheless). I go to visit Louis, with my mother (leaving my husband at home) and I realize that I began to get jealous because I couldn't talk with Louis the way I wanted because my mother was around (by this point, I didn't really understand my feelings for Louis, but it all came together then). However, I never crossed the line in telling him how I felt, and I didn't tell anyone, including my mother. So, this visit was kinda hard because Louis felt abandoned by me because I was mad and began talking with some other lady who was sitting next to me. Silly, I know.
After the visit was over, I wrote Louis and apologized for my poor attitude and he immediately called me and we made up. It was the sweetest thing. I knew, then, we had something. However, because I am married, I respected my husband and my husband (bless his soul) didn't see anything wrong because Louis was in my life way before he came along.

So, fast forward to end of 2017....I end up finding out that my HUSBAND molested my niece!!!! Yeah, so now I have the love of my life in prison and my husband in county jail! So, as much as I love my husband, I knew that in a sense, our romantic relationship was OVER (whether I wanted it to be or not). He still doesn't know the feelings I have for Louis, and for now, that's how it will be.

Well, when I wrote Louis and told him what happened, he began to communicate with me as much as he could and sent me beautiful cards and letters to encourage me. Divine timing! This is when I revealed to him that I was having feelings for him that I didn't think I should but that I needed him to know. He then, in return, told me that HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME SINCE WE WERE KIDS, but that because of all of the circumstances (mentioned above), he did not want to tell me and cause confusion. He said he was willing to go on with not saying anything at all, as long as I was happy in my life! OMG that just busted all sorts of emotional doors WIDE open!!!!!

So, it's been maybe 4 or 5 months since we have started THIS new chapter. I do love him. I do feel like he is the love of my life. Over these last 5 or 6 years, we have bared our souls to each other. However, my brain is still intact enough to know that he IS incarcerated, has been for 17 years now, and has a 40 year sentence. Oh, and he is now over 6 hours away from me. He was transferred to another facility 2 months ago and I don't hear from him as much anymore. So, it's been challenging. It wasn't as hard when I hadn't revealed my feelings for him. I run to the mailbox like a little love-struck child everyday! smh.

But, THERE IS HOPE! He is eligible for parole in year 2021...that's 3 years!!!!! I am still legally married to my husband, and regardless of whatever circumstances are surrounding our relationship, and contrary to what one may think, I am faithful to my husband. I don't want to enter another relationship until I am done with the one I am in now.

I do feel bad because my husband was so sweet and kind to allow me to keep this communication with my 'cousin.' Oh, I told Louis we can no longer call each other cousins now that we have shared our deepest feelings...that's just weird! LOL

I do love my husband; however, I am not in love with him and I don't see us keeping a marital relationship much longer. Yet, we are not done with our business (court proceedings, divorce proceedings, etc) so I want to respect that and let things unfold as they are supposed to. Louis isn't going anywhere, so there is no need to rush things.

Sigh...that's my story. So yes, I knew my love LONG before he got incarcerated. However, we have not seen each other without a glass partition separating us since I was approx. 12 years old. I am 35 years of age now, he is 39. I have thought about marrying him ASAP so that I can get contact visits, because the thought of us physically embracing each other and kissing is something that I want so much and am looking forward to! However, I must use some kind of Godly wisdom. If that's my only reason for marrying him, I know it's not the right reason...so I will wait. Time will tell all.

Last edited by GameChanger; 05-26-2018 at 10:50 PM..
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Old 02-09-2019, 08:19 AM
slmahan slmahan is offline

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Default I'll wait

We met over 10 years ago when he was incarcerated in the same unit as my son. We were married a year after we met and a couple of years later he was paroled. We were together for a few years and he went back to the drugs and left. We were divorced and soon afterwards he was back in jail for burglary of a habitat - he got a 55 year sentence with first eligibility date of 09/23. We are planning to re-marry and yes he is worth waiting for. We all make mistakes, no one has the right to judge and just maybe I learned some things I wished I had know the first time around. We both have. We are not young as most of you are but the love is just as strong and the years we were separated never stopped the love for either of us. You have to decide if you are strong enough to endure the present with him then without him. There are no guarantees for any relationship, it's what you are willing to give.
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