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  #1  
Old 11-17-2010, 09:55 PM
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Default The dreadful realisation

I've been away for a while, trying to sort out my own mind and sobriety since my dad's passing. It hasn't been easy.

Something that has stuck in my mind during my madness, though, is my husbands explanation of that dreadful night that Isaiah was arrested. Well, his thoughts on it, at least. Isaiah was reacting, he said. Isaiah was high on booze and reacted, he said.

I've been reacting in a similar way, to be honest -- without the firearm, because I'm shit scared of firearms -- and without the booze, but with my tongue. I hadn't realised how angry, and to be honest, so nasty I've become. I have a love/hate thing where alcohol is concerned -- I often miss it, yet I hate it, and when I miss it or hate it, I can be nasty.

Can I just see the old Cita back? Just a glimpse would be nice.
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:38 PM
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Welcome back!

Sorry to hear about the passing of your father, he is in a better place.

I work hard not to react. I want to handle things in an aproipate manner. I do not want others to hold power over my feelings or actions. I have no desire to drink, or do drugs. I have had enough of it around to realize and learn, I do and can have controll over me.
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:50 PM
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Cita- It's so good to see you here again. I saw your name on a post earlier today when I was trying to find something. I had it in my mind to send you a note, and then here you are! I've been through losing close family members enough to understand the process you go through afterward. I also understand the daily struggle that anyone who's ever been addicted to anything goes through and how that's magnified tenfold when there's a crisis. My husband struggles just like you whenever tragedy strikes our family which leaves me, like your husband, to try and make sense of things.

I bet the old Cita is in there somewhere just dying to come back out. Maybe coming back here will help make that happen. You know how good this bunch is at getting people out of their funk. It's good to see you back here and I hope you're here to stay for awhile. Hugs.....Niki
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:21 PM
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Cit,
I'm glad to see you back, I missed you.
I am sorry you went threw this. My parents went away before my 15th birthday. Hey, thats what life deals you sometimes. You live with it, you suck it up and you carry on....death is a part of living.
I missed you! You were the 1st person I connect with here. Don't leave me hanging anymore...
bb
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Old 11-18-2010, 05:32 AM
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Sounds to me like your on your way of finding yourself. It sounds like you know the decisions you have to make, and it sounds like your starting to except them. Now let go of the anger and be happy, holding on to anger, as you know, isnt helping you. So if you want be Cita, let go, and put that smile on your face. Remember we cant change things, we have except them for what they are. Life is just to short for this unnecessary worry.
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Old 11-18-2010, 09:10 AM
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Everyone has a different time requirement after experiencing a traumatic event.Don't be hard on yourself.I'm glad you posted.I think "Cita" is there maybe you just needed extra time to gain some more fortitude.I hope you'll be feeling much much better soon.
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Old 11-18-2010, 01:40 PM
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Cita, I was thinking about you a few days ago and wondered why we have not heard from you lately. You are just in a "funk" now due to your father's passing, your son in law and due to your husband's condition and you will work your way with it. Everyday cannot be perfect and somehow we get up and put one foot in front of the other and before we know it, we are smiling again. You are still in moarning over you father and this will get better in time. It is getting colder so take some time off and sit with a snuggle blanket and hot cocoa. (no alcohol beverage ) and watch crappy ole reruns. Do your Christmas shopping online this year so you dont have to go out and act all holly jolly. THis too shall pass.

Diane
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:38 PM
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wise words from diane! take care of yourself and be good to yourself. sounds like you are going thru some soul searching. think of it this way:
if a friend said to you the very words you put here...
what would you say to them?
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:58 PM
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The best way to bring about change is to be honest with ourselves. That is often one of life's biggest hurdles. Good for you for being willing to look at yourself and see the things you would like to improve upon.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:54 PM
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Thank you, all of you dear friends for your wise words and encouragement. I was feeling terribly down last night, having sorted through the various photographs of my father's that I'd brought back with me from England. I hadn't even unpacked them since arriving back in the States, but needed to look for a couple for my daughter. I suppose the raw pain of loss hit me once again -- not just the loss of my father, but that of my son-in-law to his long sentence also.

Today has been a better one, thankfully. I decided to pretty much take the day off and relax with cups of tea, finger foods and chick flicks rather than attempt to sort through any more photos. Sent off Isaiah's birthday card early this morning, but figured that anything else could wait until another day. Focusing just on today is something I need to begin practicing again. That kinda went by the wayside while my dad was ill and I had to plan overseas travel etc.. On arriving back here, I've found it hard to readjust and get back into my old daily routine, and I think at times I've allowed myself to become overwhelmed with attempting to do too much at once. Today allowed me a much welcome break, and a chance to relax. I didn't even yell at the television

Bumble, know that you're rarely ever far from my thoughts, the connection I have with you runs way too deep for that!

Anyway, again, I wanted to thank you all for your words, your kind thoughts and for being a safe place to share what's on my heart. I appreciate you all beyond expression!

A day of relaxation, with no self-imposed stress, is a good place to start I feel. Besides, I watched a wonderful movie, "Keeping the Faith", which I thoroughly enjoyed

Much love, dear sisters,

Cita
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:46 PM
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It's good to see you back and I'm glad you're having a better day! Hugs and prayers!
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Old 11-19-2010, 07:36 AM
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Cit, good to see you.
I know how hard it is to lose a parent or someone close. Lost my parents - dad almost 40 yrs ago, mom 18 yrs. now my only sibling. my big sis. It has been just barely over a yr now, and I still cry and hurt from the pain every day.
Give yourself time and dont let people tell you 'you should be over it by now'. mourning takes different time with everyone.

keeping you in my prayers.
d'gal
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Old 11-19-2010, 11:14 PM
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I'm so sorry your going thru all this...a day off sounds like a wonderful idea. Take care of yourself, you have been thru a lot...Many prayers coming your way {{{HUGS}}}
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Old 11-29-2010, 11:32 AM
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be good to yourself thru this time of reflection and healing.
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