Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Raising Children with Parents in Prison
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-19-2017, 01:55 PM
mxpyacymmzy mxpyacymmzy is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Him:CA,USA/Me:MN,USA
Posts: 86
Thanks: 48
Thanked 35 Times in 21 Posts
Default 9 year old son inflicting self injuries

Hi, I'm not sure that this is the correct forum to post this to, but today while I was at work I had received a call from my 9 year old's teacher. His teacher and the school social worker called to inform me that while my 9 year old was in class, he started drawing on his arm with a pencil. He did it hard enough that it became raised but not hard enough that it drew blood. The social worker (SW) had asked him what he was feeling when he did it (angry, sad, etc). He replied with, "I wasn't sad or angry. I was just bored and I like to feel the pain." The SW also said that he wasn't ashamed or guilty that he did, he was pretty open about it and he was open to talking about it. She also mentioned that because he wasn't emotionally tied to self harming himself, it was a good and a bad thing.

He has never self inflicted an injury to himself so no, I haven't noticed anything like this until today. He is a pretty rough kid and has been through more than what anyone should have to go through in a life time (losing his dad to the prison system, getting taken away by CPS because I couldn't get home in time from work due to not having a car that day, and having to move from California to Minnesota all withing a few months).

He is a lot like his father and I. We don't get very emotional, or at least we try not to show our emotions (esp if we're feeling sad). He's always had a problem with his behavior even before his dad got incarcerated, but never anything like this.

I have made an appt in the past to get him evaluated, but he seemed fine and wasn't showing any signs of stress so we decided not to go. However, I am going to make another appt with his primary care physician to get a referral to get evaluated again.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any tips?
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 05-19-2017, 03:59 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 22,525
Thanks: 4,245
Thanked 25,856 Times in 9,460 Posts
Default

Had a foster kid who self-harmed....deep therapy was the thing for him. He came with a whole bagful of issues: fetal alcohol syndrome, sexually abused, low IQ, major learning disabilities, and so on.

If a therapist could work through it with him, yours (if it's the 'right' one, should be of value in stopping this before he does get emotionally attached to the pain/pleasure principle.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
mxpyacymmzy (05-19-2017)
  #3  
Old 05-19-2017, 04:09 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 10,847
Thanks: 3,672
Thanked 18,198 Times in 6,665 Posts
Default

It's great that he's open about the whole thing. It's good that you're not overreacting. He still needs evaluation and a ton of therapy.

"bored" especially in somebody so young is usually the answer you get when the child doesn't know what he's feeling. That he was after the pain is an indication that feeling pain is feeling something, or that his emotions are either so complicated or so shut down that pain is all he can really feel.

I'm telling you this because I'd rather see your child get the help he needs now, rather than the help I can give him later when adrenaline and pain are about all he can feel.

Keep the conversation with him open. Talk about how you feel. Get into therapy yourself so that you can start modeling good emotional hygiene to him (and resolve your need/desire to keep things bottled up where only you can feel them and nobody can help).

Also, yeah, the therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist and your son and his therapist is the most important thing when it comes to actual healing. Do your research. Most of the shrinks these days have profiles and approaches online. Read them. If the first doesn't work, find another one. Find somebody you can actually work with, not steamroll, bamboozle, or otherwise get nothing out of. Talk with your child about the experience - did he feel like the shrink was listening, did he feel like the shrink was asking good questions, does he want to go back - why or why not? Don't ask about what's going on in the sessions, but do ask about the sessions themselves and give your son some agency in finding a good shrink for him.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (05-20-2017), mxpyacymmzy (05-19-2017), sidewalker (05-20-2017)
  #4  
Old 05-19-2017, 04:59 PM
mxpyacymmzy mxpyacymmzy is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Him:CA,USA/Me:MN,USA
Posts: 86
Thanks: 48
Thanked 35 Times in 21 Posts
Default

Thanks for the advice.

He does get bored fairly easy. I just didnt expect him to do this.

He is a fairly smart kid. He's not falling behind academically, but he's always been very antsy/fidgety, has a hard time focusing and staying on task (more than the "average" kid)... enough thats its a distraction, but not enough to be diagnosed as ADHD.

I am going to get a professional involved and hopefully find the right one for him as I know that he has a lot bottled up.

I have a hard time showing my feelings/emotions because I learned that it was easier to build a wall and not become too emotional about anything, so much that its become automatic. For the longest time, I felt that I had to hide thise negative emotions and shield them from my kids because in my head I have to be strong. If not for me, at least for my kids. I am aware, for a long time, that I do need a therapist, but I've somehow convinced myself believe that I can do it without help.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-19-2017, 07:18 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 10,847
Thanks: 3,672
Thanked 18,198 Times in 6,665 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mxpyacymmzy View Post
Thanks for the advice.

He does get bored fairly easy. I just didnt expect him to do this.

He is a fairly smart kid. He's not falling behind academically, but he's always been very antsy/fidgety, has a hard time focusing and staying on task (more than the "average" kid)... enough thats its a distraction, but not enough to be diagnosed as ADHD.

I am going to get a professional involved and hopefully find the right one for him as I know that he has a lot bottled up.

I have a hard time showing my feelings/emotions because I learned that it was easier to build a wall and not become too emotional about anything, so much that its become automatic. For the longest time, I felt that I had to hide thise negative emotions and shield them from my kids because in my head I have to be strong. If not for me, at least for my kids. I am aware, for a long time, that I do need a therapist, but I've somehow convinced myself believe that I can do it without help.
Look, if you address your own problem while he's addressing his you'll do two things:

1. model for him how to address serious issues
2. learn to model proper expressions of emotions

This is not a matter you can back burner, and you're not teaching him anything good by ignoring it and continuing on with bad habits. If you're from MN, and the whole "stiff upper lip" mentality is a cultural norm/familial norm, it's going to be really hard because you have no good models of behavior to go on. You have generations of bad behavior - either people who kept things bottled up their entire lives, lived without the benefit of expressing themselves fully, and probably died early of cancer or an immune disorder, or people who kept things bottled up until they exploded, usually in domestic violence or in beating the hell out of their kids, or some other atrocious behavior nobody ever talks about but everybody attributes as the reason why Junior, the kid who got beaten, wound up committing suicide or incarcerated, or on drugs.

The pull of family patterns makes it much easier for a person to ignore their own needs and their own pain. It's the only way these patterns can be transmitted down to your son. Stop it. Show your son that it's okay to get help and that it's okay to tap into feelings and learn to appropriately express them instead of shutting down. You'll benefit, and so will he.

He still needs therapy as well, but don't put off your own needs. Not in this area.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
Critter07 (05-20-2017), mxpyacymmzy (05-19-2017), nimuay (05-19-2017), sidewalker (05-20-2017)
  #6  
Old 05-19-2017, 08:34 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 22,525
Thanks: 4,245
Thanked 25,856 Times in 9,460 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mxpyacymmzy View Post
Thanks for the advice.


I have a hard time showing my feelings/emotions because I learned that it was easier to build a wall and not become too emotional about anything, so much that its become automatic. For the longest time, I felt that I had to hide thise negative emotions and shield them from my kids because in my head I have to be strong. If not for me, at least for my kids. I am aware, for a long time, that I do need a therapist, but I've somehow convinced myself believe that I can do it without help.
And that's what you're modeling for your son. Unfortunately, that also means not showing a lot of love, or a lot of concern. Doesn't mean you don't feel them, just that he may be getting mixed messages from you about their 'negativity'. So you go to your therapist and start to learn that it's OK to have emotions (the 'good' and the 'bad'), to show them, to work through them and just to be open.

We set our response patterns very early in life, and they're meant to be protective when that's required. Then we just go forward on autopilot, even if the circumstances change. So we need to flex new emotional 'muscles' that fit the new circumstances. That sets the new pattern for your son, who will start, with help, to show his own in less damaging ways.

The very best luck to you and to him!
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
mxpyacymmzy (05-19-2017)
  #7  
Old 05-20-2017, 07:02 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is online now
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 27,989
Thanks: 47,538
Thanked 24,019 Times in 12,475 Posts
Default

I'd also think about maybe getting him into some sort of sport. (for the hyper fidgety stuff.....)
Maybe not team sport but maybe a martial art. I know tae kwon do helped my son way back when.
I'd do this in addition to seeing someone to help sort thru emotions.
Heck.....maybe you both could go. Might be rather fun!
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
mxpyacymmzy (05-20-2017)
  #8  
Old 05-20-2017, 12:25 PM
mxpyacymmzy mxpyacymmzy is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Him:CA,USA/Me:MN,USA
Posts: 86
Thanks: 48
Thanked 35 Times in 21 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I'd also think about maybe getting him into some sort of sport. (for the hyper fidgety stuff.....)
Maybe not team sport but maybe a martial art. I know tae kwon do helped my son way back when.
I'd do this in addition to seeing someone to help sort thru emotions.
Heck.....maybe you both could go. Might be rather fun!
I did in fact just started looking at martial arts classes for him, but because I am the only one working, I am still trying to budget it in. He did express his interest in taking a martial arts class so hopefully once I get him in, it will help him with his hyper fidgety stuff.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to mxpyacymmzy For This Useful Post:
sidewalker (05-21-2017)
  #9  
Old 05-20-2017, 08:02 PM
K6770 K6770 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 200
Thanks: 199
Thanked 178 Times in 116 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mxpyacymmzy View Post
I did in fact just started looking at martial arts classes for him, but because I am the only one working, I am still trying to budget it in. He did express his interest in taking a martial arts class so hopefully once I get him in, it will help him with his hyper fidgety stuff.


I know it's very tough to work hard so you can pay the bills and then raise a 9 year old. I'm along side a grandmother in similar situation. School is ending and I'm doing what I can to help her find things for the kids to do. I agree that you need find a way for your son and yourself to get some therapy. It might take time to find the right provider that can fit in your budget or are covered under a program. Hang in there. The biggest thing you can do right now is spend as much time as you can with him. Try to play games together, go to the park, do crafts, or start to teach him to cook, anything. I know it's easy after a long day just to collapse and let the TV or other electronic device take over. But you will be surprised at how much he will open up to you if you play and find new ways to engage with him. A lot is going on in his head and he may not know how to express what he is feeling. Even if he does not open up much, just finding things that make him smile and laugh will go a long way. You will be surprised how much energy you will find in the process.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-21-2017, 08:52 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is online now
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 27,989
Thanks: 47,538
Thanked 24,019 Times in 12,475 Posts
Default

Any family members willing to help with the martial arts classes?
Maybe reach out to them?
Or maybe some of the business have a scholarship type program?
(the martial arts business's)
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 05-21-2017, 11:16 AM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 10,847
Thanks: 3,672
Thanked 18,198 Times in 6,665 Posts
Default

Check with the martial arts school you want to attend.

Btw, you should pick your martial arts school as carefully as you'd pick a lawyer. You need to go observe a class, get information, and then look up information about "McDojo" before you enroll. If you get pressured to enroll, or you learn stuff that comes right out of a martial arts movie (our techniques are too lethal to practice on each other, "chi" power, etc), run away.

The Olympic martial arts - TKD, judo, wrestling, golden gloves boxing - are generally on the up and up and won't give you or your son a false sense of what he can and cannot do.

Most martial arts schools will work with interested, dedicated students who have financial difficulties. He might wind up cleaning up the changing rooms to compensate, but that is also a worthwhile exchange.

Check with your community centers and your YMCAs for inexpensive martial arts groups as well. As with lawyers, the most expensive does not necessarily mean the best.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
sidewalker (05-21-2017)
  #12  
Old 05-21-2017, 12:05 PM
sidewalker sidewalker is online now
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 27,989
Thanks: 47,538
Thanked 24,019 Times in 12,475 Posts
Default

I really was not good with our son going to TKD.
Until I was overridden by hub.
I watched. I listened. I liked what I heard.
The instructors put emphasis on treating people with respect, and doing well in school, and never ever using what they had learned in class for anything other than self defense.
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Recourse for injuries mscallieco1 Prison & Criminal Legal Help! 2 01-13-2012 06:01 PM
Fire at Taft C.I. - no injuries Zelda50 Federal System News, Events and Legal Issues 0 12-17-2010 10:30 PM
Injuries - where will he be placed? ginny0040 New York General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat 2 11-01-2010 09:38 AM
4-year-old California girl dies of injuries in drive-by shooting cysreese California Prison & Criminal Justice News & Events + 3 Strikes 1 03-12-2007 08:25 AM
Young Boy Dies From Injuries horsegal Ohio Prison & Legal News, Info & Events 3 06-06-2005 06:59 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:35 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics