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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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Old 02-12-2019, 08:52 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Default How do I find the words that I know will break her heart

The ways in which an addict trying to get a fix can find to manipulate those who love them truly know no bounds.
Sometimes they still catch me off guard
I'll be somewhat vague for privacy but hopefully get the message across clearly

His mother asked me, before she goes ahead and sends the funds, just to make sure I didn't already take care of it myself. Well... She was told they were necessity for something that couldn't be taken care of any other way. I personally know it's not true and it was just to play on her heartstrings after she'd made the decision not to enable financially anymore.
A mother wants to believe her baby is telling her the truth and could never be that type of deceitful. I get it, I do ...
I can't let her send the money knowing the truth.
My concern. I don't want any to run the risk of any more distrust or appearing to only tell her negative things of her sons behavior, even if it is the truth. I want to lead the horse to water, just in a way which allows her to feel good about the fact she was able to stick to her convictions, and know that saying no is the only way we can help him in the long run.

How can I do this without directly telling her he's lying through his teeth?
Or even if I have to end up laying it all out , I want to do this in the easiest possible way. There's enough hurt, deceit, and distrust between all of us already without anyone feeling like they're being shut out or taken advantage of.
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Old 02-12-2019, 09:46 PM
KiwiPP KiwiPP is offline
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Maybe just make her aware of just how rampant drugs are in AZ prisons, and that there’s a high chance that the money she is sending him could very likely be used to purchase drugs. Unfortunately, mother’s tend to be blind to their sons addiction and are their biggest enablers.
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Old 02-13-2019, 05:08 AM
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I guess I am way less diplomatic with things like this as I would just tell her the cold hard truth without any sugarcoating. She is his mother, and I doubt she's completely in the dark about her son's addiction. If you keep her in the dark I think that's just another way of enabling this man's addiction. He will keep on using people in order to enable his addiction as long as people let themselves to be used - in my opinion his mother needs to know the truth no matter how ugly it is....that is the only way that he reaches his rock bottom. I would just tell her he's lying, and not to send the money, period. He is doing all this to himself and you are not responsible for protecting the relationship/trust/consequences he has with his mother; that's just enabling in my opinion. I get that you feel uncomfortable having his mother possibly becoming upset...but, again, it is not you who is upsetting her -- it is her son and his actions.
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:15 AM
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I would tell her, and tell her what your suspicions are and why. Unless he's told you directly its still possible (I know, I know)


I'd rather know the truth even if I dont want to know it or believe it
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Old 02-13-2019, 08:42 AM
Ricoluv29 Ricoluv29 is offline
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Be true to her. Tell her what your thinking. Explain to her they can get a hold of drugs in there. Not to put money anywhere but his books but even then only put an x amount for necessities. If anything, don't put any money on and just send him care packages and tell him to make that last til the next available. He doesn't need to be pampered.
He could just end up trading what he can to get a fix. Theres no way we can really prevent an addict from getting what they want. Only make it less easy.
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Old 02-15-2019, 07:55 AM
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I saw this today on a facebook post. I cant find who the author is.
A poem:


"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."
Signed
DRUGS
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Old Today, 10:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AAH14589 View Post
The ways in which an addict trying to get a fix can find to manipulate those who love them truly know no bounds.

How can I do this without directly telling her he's lying through his teeth?
Or even if I have to end up laying it all out , I want to do this in the easiest possible way. There's enough hurt, deceit, and distrust between all of us already without anyone feeling like they're being shut out or taken advantage of.
I am the mother of an opiate addict. I had no idea that they could get drugs so easily and cheaply in prison. His first use of heroin was in prison. Eventually, the stories of why he needed so much money in so short of a time reached the point that I couldn't believe it. All his clothes were stolen from the laundry and he had to buy new ones. He accidentally broke someone's TV while goofing around. Those were the two that pushed me over the edge and I said no.

I wish someone had told me how easy it was to get drugs. That everything had a value so even sending a securepak gave him resources to trade for drugs. While I couldn't control it, I could at least make it more difficult. I limited the securepak items to the less desirable items. Ramen isn't as useful as meat snacks. Coffee was something he wanted at least as much as drugs.I maxed out on hygiene products. I sent money in odd amounts and not on any "schedule". It's a lot easier to borrow for drugs when they know mom sends $100 on the 15th of every month. Not so easy when it's random days in varied lesser amounts. I made a rule that if he asked me for money, I would stop sending any. He stopped asking. There were things he did need, like a pair of sneakers or supplies for his college class. If he actually needed new sneakers he had to send me a request in writing detailing what he needed and how much. Then he had to provide me with a receipt.

He kept using, but it was out of my control. My conscious was clean because I had found a balance between doing what I could while not feeling like I was abandoning him. Eventually, the debt caught up to him. He was forced to fight with a very large man. No permanent injury, but it seemed he got a lot of injuries and bruises playing basketball that winter. After 6 months in jail and 10 months in prison, he quit using. Another inmate saw something positive in my son, helped him get sober and stay sober. That inmate paid off my son's remaining drug debt and put my son to work.

The prison he was transferred to the inmates had a rule at that time that any of their race who were under 26 years old should not be using drugs and they actively sought to get them clean and to prevent drugs being sold to them. My son was 23. The other inmate mentored him, taught him coping skills and alternative uses for his time. In turn, my son has tried to help others quit and stay clean. Boredom is a huge problem and contributes to them using drugs to pass the time. I realize that we have been lucky. My son didn't want to keep using. There were other things he did want from life and college was priority for him. He has earned 32 credits while incarcerated.

There are other inmates who have quit and resumed use; inmates who were released and came back to prison because of drugs. It was especially prevalent with those inmates who had shorter sentences (2 years or less). My son's sentence was 8 years. The risk of an addict using and the chances of them staying clean in the prison environment is horrendously stacked against them.

This past week, 6 inmates overdosed at Tucson-Whetstone and were taken out in ambulances. Drugs are such a huge problem and the general public with no real experience are generally unaware of how easy it is to obtain and use drugs in prison. My son has been clean for 5 years, 3 months and will be released this summer.

Tell the mom the truth. Make it real. Not knowing the truth did neither my son nor me any good. Knowing the truth may not save her son. But, at least she can make informed choices. Feel free to share my story.
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