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Old 12-02-2019, 03:40 PM
Born Born is offline
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Default Prison: how does it affect the inmate? Relationships?

Stressful for the person being incarcerated, Is it easy, or is it hard?

Does it change the person that he or she is because of what they experience on the inside?

Does the person suffer PTSD whilst in and is it due to the environment?

Do relationships survive post incarceration?

What makes a relationship strong?

What makes the couple separate?

Does separation have anything to do with the length of time Incarcerated?

Or does the incarcerated person find someone else on the inside due to pen-pal correspondence?

What about the partner on the outside what makes them give up on the relationship? Is it finance?

Does the partner on the outside need someone to financially , emotionally and physically look after them? Is that why they leave? or is it something else?

I am just trying to understand all the different situation as to what happens with couples.

I know that personally I love my husband with all my heart and will wait for him to come back to me. I'm just not familiar with what prison life is really like, whether or not it changes the person on the inside or how much the prison system tries to break the person. I know that everyone has his or her own breaking point. Nor am i familiar with what to expect post release. Nor what other couples go through so as to try and gain a better understanding.

I know that I'm not coping very well because one minute i had a very happy life with my husband and the next he's been ripped away from me. I ball my eyes out every day and night and quite frankly i don't know how others in my same situation cope. I know that most will say take every day as it comes and others will say that it gets easier but i cant see that happening as i'm truly broken hearted. It's ok to try to keep busy but there are moments throughout the day and night when something would come up that makes you cry your heart out because you miss him/her so very very much.

Last edited by Born; 12-02-2019 at 04:09 PM..
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Old 12-02-2019, 04:03 PM
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Relationships that survive prison, and sometimes even become stronger, depend on the strength of the bond. Children often are a big factor and so are financial difficulties and the length of the separation.

It definitely isn't easy for anyone who is separated by anything negative, like prison. Some couples do well, others not so much. It is important how much each of you is willing to invest in maintaining a strong marriage both during, and after the prison nightmare ends. Communicating is vital.
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Old 12-02-2019, 04:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Born View Post
Stressful for the person being incarcerated, Is it easy, or is it hard?

Does it change the person that he or she is because of what they experience on the inside?

Does the person suffer PTSD whilst in and is it due to the environment?

Do relationships survive post incarceration?

What makes a relationship strong?

What makes the couple separate?

Does separation have anything to do with the length of time Incarcerated?

Or does the incarcerated person find someone else on the inside due to pen-pal correspondence?

What about the partner on the outside what makes them give up on the relationship? Is it finance?

Does the partner on the outside need someone to financially , emotionally and physically look after them? Is that why they leave? or is it something else?

I am just trying to understand all the different situation as to what happens with couples.

I know that personally I love my husband with all my heart and will wait for him to come back to me. I'm just not familiar with what prison life is really like, whether or not it changes the person on the inside or how much the prison system tries to break the person. I know that everyone has his or her own breaking point. Nor am i familiar with what to expect post release. Nor what other couples go through so as to try and gain a better understanding.

I know that I'm not coping very well because one minute i had a very happy life with my husband and the next he's been ripped away from me. I ball my eyes out every day and night and quite frankly i don't know how others in my same situation cope. I know that most will say take every day as it comes and others will say that it gets easier but i cant see that happening as i'm truly broken hearted. It's ok to try to keep busy but there are moments throughout the day and night when something would come up that makes you cry your heart out because you miss him/her so very very much.
Every experience "changes" a person. Going to prison will change the person, and it will change the loved ones that stick by that person. For the better? It is what you make of it. In my case, they took my girl and I have switched gears and rallied up to find ways to support her and get connected in other ways, this site helped. It has been over a year now, and when it happened, I was lost, I had no idea how much I loved her and what the heck I was gonna do. After running a muck and doing the wrong self destructive things, I noticed I was still around, and here. When you say people have a "breaking point" do they? I tend to think that in fact we don't, that there is no breaking point, that you may be self destructive to a point you kill yourself or something I guess that would be a breaking point, but other than that, when the smoke clears, and all the activity of breaking is done, you are still there left to pick your own pieces up.

I didn't give up, people do but I didn't. I am here for her. Financial problems can be terrible, but your loved one is getting food and a bed. I can write to her for .40 cents. It all depends on things how a relationship can go. Many many things happen when people are separated by prison or otherwise.

Ill say what make my relationship strong, we both let it to God and we both gave each other time and attention away from the negative and to focus on each other. We kept engaging on a level of our relationship and not on the level of some case and hard times etc.

I wont answer all your questions but I will say that the first few months were terrible, then like a roller coaster going down and down we had OK moments then another hit. All for about a year till the light started showing at the tunnel. Some conditions may differ! But ours was a rocky road for everything EXCEPT our relationship. Its a commitment to stay in through this, but if its like me, I am happy I am doing so.
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Old 12-02-2019, 04:44 PM
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Stressful for the person being incarcerated, Is it easy, or is it hard?

Depends on the prison and your security level. Some stress being away from family, some stress from the violence inside

Does it change the person that he or she is because of what they experience on the inside?

That person changes if they want. You nor anybody else is going to make them do anything. My wife is an addict. It took a 2nd prison set for her to realize she will throw the rest of her life in the toilet if she doesn't change. She has now.

Does the person suffer PTSD whilst in and is it due to the environment?

Depends on the prison. Some states/Federal are definitely more brutal on someone

Do relationships survive post incarceration?

They can. The more you communicate, the better. This answer is specific to the people living it. It's impossible to answer that.

What makes a relationship strong?

Communication. You have to be able to talk about anything and everything. That, and patience for me personally.

What makes the couple separate?

The same reasons a regular relationship goes sour. Some don't want to wait, some don't want the financial burden. It takes an unspeakable bond to survive it. Not everyone is built for this.

Does separation have anything to do with the length of time Incarcerated?

See above.

Or does the incarcerated person find someone else on the inside due to pen-pal correspondence?

My wife wouldn't even consider posting on a penpal site, and for me, that is asking for trouble. We have a family though, so keeping us together is way more important then some random ass person that means nothing to her. To those that are fine with having your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend available to anyone in the world to write... more power to you.

What about the partner on the outside what makes them give up on the relationship? Is it finance?

Does the partner on the outside need someone to financially , emotionally and physically look after them? Is that why they leave? or is it something else?

It doesn't get any easier. The longer they are away, the more perseverance you have to have. Spending every night alone while a prison has your spouse, is hard. I cry, get mad, scream, get depressed, feel beaten down. I also know when I spend time with her, no one else can ever make me feel that way, despite her screw ups and failures. I refuse to live my life with a huge "what if" and our daughter wouldn't allow it anyways. It took a long time to accept my life as it is now, but I love her with every inch of my soul, and she does too. There was no cheating or any deal breaker. Bad childhood and teen years, and let addiction ruin her life. She will get out though, and the light bulb finally turned on in her head. 40 years with someone else, doesn't even compare to 35 with her. It's her, or no one. You learn to live alone. It's not easy, but it's manageable.

I am just trying to understand all the different situation as to what happens with couples.

I know that personally I love my husband with all my heart and will wait for him to come back to me. I'm just not familiar with what prison life is really like, whether or not it changes the person on the inside or how much the prison system tries to break the person. I know that everyone has his or her own breaking point. Nor am i familiar with what to expect post release. Nor what other couples go through so as to try and gain a better understanding.

I know that I'm not coping very well because one minute i had a very happy life with my husband and the next he's been ripped away from me. I ball my eyes out every day and night and quite frankly i don't know how others in my same situation cope. I know that most will say take every day as it comes and others will say that it gets easier but i cant see that happening as i'm truly broken hearted. It's ok to try to keep busy but there are moments throughout the day and night when something would come up that makes you cry your heart out because you miss him/her so very very much.
I know it's a different perspective from a woman's point, but the same generalization applies to us all. You can't really rely on what other people do though, because that's something you really have to look within yourself if you have strength to battle it every day. For some, its a no brainer, as you see the list of people they have dedicated their lives to some that are never getting out. You love who you love, and if you can't see yourself with anyone else, then you fight through the day, sleep it off, and go at it again the next. It's one day closer.
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Old 12-03-2019, 01:04 AM
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Way too many variables to say how any of that would stack up.
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Does anyone spiral into control?
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Old 12-03-2019, 03:42 AM
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I know it's a different perspective from a woman's point, but the same generalization applies to us all. You can't really rely on what other people do though, because that's something you really have to look within yourself if you have strength to battle it every day. For some, its a no brainer, as you see the list of people they have dedicated their lives to some that are never getting out. You love who you love, and if you can't see yourself with anyone else, then you fight through the day, sleep it off, and go at it again the next. It's one day closer.
You're right, like you and everyone else in this forum, I can't imagine life without my husband. He and I are both committed to our marriage /relationship and to our life together as a couple into the future. I just worry about him and hope that we get through this. it's going to be tough I know. At the moment i'm quite the emotional wreck and i guess i'm just going to have to deal with it the best i can as i don't wish to cause him any more stress worrying about me. He keeps telling me that he doesn't care about himself he just cares and worries about me and my health. I'm so very lucky to have him in my life. But damn it's tough.
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Old 12-03-2019, 09:45 AM
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Stressful for the person being incarcerated, Is it easy, or is it hard?
Rollercoaster. That's the word for everything. In the beginning he took it hard then it was easy and now my man is having the hardest time ever.

Does it change the person that he or she is because of what they experience on the inside?
I do not believe it is because what they experience on the inside, I feel its what they loose on the outside. My mans first time in he said he really didn't care, it was easy but now its harder and he's really changing because he cant believe he let me and the kids down.
My sister in law has had the hardest time this time around because now she cant even communicate with her daughter. Although other inmates have given her hell, she isn't letting it stop her from trying to better herself so she can finally be there for her daughter.


Do relationships survive post incarceration?
Look around at other posts here, the good ones.
I feel like it may get tough because of all the release conditions, finds and whatever else but if you were able to get through the prison sentence you should get through that as well.


What makes a relationship strong?
Never lose communication. Keep him in the loop. Show the love and appreciation still.

Does separation have anything to do with the length of time Incarcerated?
I'm sure that's specific to the type of person. Others can clearly hang through long sentences while I'm over here fed up waiting 2.5. But then I really think about it and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I don't want anyone else.

What about the partner on the outside what makes them give up on the relationship? Is it finance? I haven't given up on mine but I would say stress and finances would probably be my reason. I'm so tired of spending so much money on him being in and I give him the minimum amount for food. When I'm going over finances im just like.. damn. that's $300 a month that would be in my pocket if I didn't have to fund this prison life. Stress from having to take care of 3 kids alone with no help.

Does the partner on the outside need someone to financially , emotionally and physically look after them? Is that why they leave? or is it something else?
That's really just if the partner is a dependent or independent person. I've always done things on my own, took care of my own so I don't need anyone just because he's not physically here. The incarcerated partner can still look after them emotionally from the inside.


I know that personally I love my husband with all my heart and will wait for him to come back to me. I'm just not familiar with what prison life is really like, whether or not it changes the person on the inside or how much the prison system tries to break the person. I know that everyone has his or her own breaking point. Nor am i familiar with what to expect post release. Nor what other couples go through so as to try and gain a better understanding.

I know that I'm not coping very well because one minute i had a very happy life with my husband and the next he's been ripped away from me. I ball my eyes out every day and night and quite frankly i don't know how others in my same situation cope. I know that most will say take every day as it comes and others will say that it gets easier but i cant see that happening as i'm truly broken hearted. It's ok to try to keep busy but there are moments throughout the day and night when something would come up that makes you cry your heart out because you miss him/her so very very much.

I'm just a bit over a year into this journey and this site helps some.
The beginning was the hardest but it got better in time. Its a rollercoaster, not everyday is going to be good just like 'normal' life. I always tell my children, "Don't say you cant" because you can. Believe in yourself that it will get easier. Cry for a minute then wipe those tears away, get up and do something.

The first week I couldn't do anything. I didn't even like walking into our old home. I slept on the couch. Then I moved out, mostly because he didn't trust the area with me alone but I didn't like being in 'our' home without him. A new environment helped, something that wasn't a constant memory slapped in my face. New bed, new sheets. Kind of seems like a break up now that I write it.. lol. But it really helped me not sulk in my misery of not having him.

Have you guys had visits yet? If not, it may help you when you see him again. I know it made me feel better. Gave me something to look forward too.

Stay Strong.
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Old 12-03-2019, 01:14 PM
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Stressful for the person being incarcerated, Is it easy, or is it hard?
It's difficult! It's a tough forced adjustment, accepting and adapting to prison life. When you finally do, you know that your life behind bars is clouded and grey while life outside is vibrantly colorful. Without family and loved ones whom provide windows into the color life as a prisoner is dark.


Does it change the person that he or she is because of what they experience on the inside? For the inmate, absolutely, having to stand back in silence when you truly want to help or do something yet the consequences can be deadly or there is just no possible way to, is mental and emotional torture. You learn life skills that the free world has no time to stop and think about, sadly, there is no popular demand that requires us to really. For me as the partner outside, I evolve and as I continue to evolve I go through a lot of changes which I take my husband through.

Does the person suffer PTSD whilst in and is it due to the environment? I did and I was only incarcerated for two years.

Do relationships survive post incarceration? Sure, they can. Depends on the foundation of the relationship, I suppose.

What makes a relationship strong? Mine is self assurance and communication.

What makes the couple separate? Insecurity, fear and disconnection.

Does separation have anything to do with the length of time Incarcerated? Not necessarily. My separation wasn't that I stopped loving my husband, I quit showing that I did. Which meant, I lived freely without sharing myself with him at all for 6 years yet no man ever stood a chance, and when that too began to weigh me down I knew it was time to readjust my life to show my husband I do love him and that I'd rather share this life I'm living with him.

Pen-pal correspondence? The incarcerated definitely look forward to mail, so if there's no one one special in their life pen-pal sights are encouraged and very helpful to the inmates sanity. Sometimes you fall in like or in love with your pen-pal - sometimes it lasts outside of incarceration and sometimes it doesn't... getting out requires a time and space of adjustment / transition. Everyone's needs are different, some are needy and co-dependent while others are independent and then there's that blend of all over the place / unsure / independent yet needy, depends on length of time one has done and what assets they have when released.

What about the partner on the outside what makes them give up on the relationship? Is it finance? ?? I refuse to carry any adults weight! I am not a sugar momma, not me, no way! Money is important to me and it must be for my partner as well. I work hard and my partner must be a hard worker.

Does the partner on the outside need someone to financially, emotionally and physically look after them? Is that why they leave? or is it something else? I need an equal. My husband was my pen-pal for 9 years before we got married, I got to know him and his family rather well - I knew early on that he and I were equally yoked, I have faith he will be as great of a provider that I am, so I have not needed any help these past 20 years, sure I've gotten exhausted and the idea of having financial help was strongly in mind a few times, but without the right partner the money never matters, ((didn't to me)).
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Old 12-03-2019, 01:32 PM
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Stressful for the person being incarcerated, Is it easy, or is it hard?
Rollercoaster. That's the word for everything. In the beginning he took it hard then it was easy and now my man is having the hardest time ever.

Does it change the person that he or she is because of what they experience on the inside?
I do not believe it is because what they experience on the inside, I feel its what they loose on the outside. My mans first time in he said he really didn't care, it was easy but now its harder and he's really changing because he cant believe he let me and the kids down.
My sister in law has had the hardest time this time around because now she cant even communicate with her daughter. Although other inmates have given her hell, she isn't letting it stop her from trying to better herself so she can finally be there for her daughter.


Do relationships survive post incarceration?
Look around at other posts here, the good ones.
I feel like it may get tough because of all the release conditions, finds and whatever else but if you were able to get through the prison sentence you should get through that as well.


What makes a relationship strong?
Never lose communication. Keep him in the loop. Show the love and appreciation still.

Does separation have anything to do with the length of time Incarcerated?
I'm sure that's specific to the type of person. Others can clearly hang through long sentences while I'm over here fed up waiting 2.5. But then I really think about it and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I don't want anyone else.

What about the partner on the outside what makes them give up on the relationship? Is it finance? I haven't given up on mine but I would say stress and finances would probably be my reason. I'm so tired of spending so much money on him being in and I give him the minimum amount for food. When I'm going over finances im just like.. damn. that's $300 a month that would be in my pocket if I didn't have to fund this prison life. Stress from having to take care of 3 kids alone with no help.

Does the partner on the outside need someone to financially , emotionally and physically look after them? Is that why they leave? or is it something else?
That's really just if the partner is a dependent or independent person. I've always done things on my own, took care of my own so I don't need anyone just because he's not physically here. The incarcerated partner can still look after them emotionally from the inside.


I know that personally I love my husband with all my heart and will wait for him to come back to me. I'm just not familiar with what prison life is really like, whether or not it changes the person on the inside or how much the prison system tries to break the person. I know that everyone has his or her own breaking point. Nor am i familiar with what to expect post release. Nor what other couples go through so as to try and gain a better understanding.

I know that I'm not coping very well because one minute i had a very happy life with my husband and the next he's been ripped away from me. I ball my eyes out every day and night and quite frankly i don't know how others in my same situation cope. I know that most will say take every day as it comes and others will say that it gets easier but i cant see that happening as i'm truly broken hearted. It's ok to try to keep busy but there are moments throughout the day and night when something would come up that makes you cry your heart out because you miss him/her so very very much.

I'm just a bit over a year into this journey and this site helps some.
The beginning was the hardest but it got better in time. Its a rollercoaster, not everyday is going to be good just like 'normal' life. I always tell my children, "Don't say you cant" because you can. Believe in yourself that it will get easier. Cry for a minute then wipe those tears away, get up and do something.

The first week I couldn't do anything. I didn't even like walking into our old home. I slept on the couch. Then I moved out, mostly because he didn't trust the area with me alone but I didn't like being in 'our' home without him. A new environment helped, something that wasn't a constant memory slapped in my face. New bed, new sheets. Kind of seems like a break up now that I write it.. lol. But it really helped me not sulk in my misery of not having him.

Have you guys had visits yet? If not, it may help you when you see him again. I know it made me feel better. Gave me something to look forward too.

Stay Strong.

Thank you for your reply, It's been very heart warming and actually brought tears to my eyes knowing the struggles that both partners face during the whole incarceration process.



No visits for us i'm afraid, I'm in a whole other country. Besides I don't drive and the U.S is a car culture which means it would be very hard for me to survive let alone get the chance to visit him. I'm afraid our communication will only be limited to letter writing for the next few years. which in it's self will add that much more strain and stress to our relationship.



Thank you once again for your reply
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Old 12-03-2019, 01:48 PM
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Thank you for your reply, It's been very heart warming and actually brought tears to my eyes knowing the struggles that both partners face during the whole incarceration process.



No visits for us i'm afraid, I'm in a whole other country. Besides I don't drive and the U.S is a car culture which means it would be very hard for me to survive let alone get the chance to visit him. I'm afraid our communication will only be limited to letter writing for the next few years. which in it's self will add that much more strain and stress to our relationship.



Thank you once again for your reply
I'm sorry to hear about the visiting. I would like to say there are taxies and things like Uber but I know with all the travel and hotel that would be pricey..
Is he able to send video at least?
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Old 12-03-2019, 11:19 PM
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No visits for us i'm afraid, I'm in a whole other country. Besides I don't drive and the U.S is a car culture which means it would be very hard for me to survive let alone get the chance to visit him. I'm afraid our communication will only be limited to letter writing for the next few years. which in it's self will add that much more strain and stress to our relationship.
My friend implanted here from Germany, he never drove a car before, I taught him how to, but for a year prior to getting behind the wheel he used uber or lyft and public transportation... you can visit!! Save up and try it out... would be an adventure / vacation and probably a pleasure to meet your guy.
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Old 12-04-2019, 02:09 AM
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My friend implanted here from Germany, he never drove a car before, I taught him how to, but for a year prior to getting behind the wheel he used uber or lyft and public transportation... you can visit!! Save up and try it out... would be an adventure / vacation and probably a pleasure to meet your guy.
I married my husband three years ago and got my green card. So i was a permanent resident. We were in the process of getting the conditions taken off my conditional GC as it expired in late July 2019. I applied for my conditions to be removed through my immigration lawyer and paid for the new green card and biometrics. Then i received a letter advising that it will take up to 18 months for my new one to be issued.

I needed to have emergency surgery and couldn't afford the insurance in the U.S. nor could i afford to have the surgery there so i came home to do that.
Before i left the U.S. i contacted my immigration lawyer and asked if it was ok to leave and he advised me that everything would be ok and that due to the back log with immigration and the processing times that i should be back before my biometrics appointment and that that won't be till late 2020. but no sooner i left, i receive notification to come in for my biometrics appointment in October 2019 the only problem now is i'm stuck here waiting for surgery and if i come back
I'll lose my turn in que to have my surgery and if i don't come back by january i lose my permanent resident status. So i am in a bit of a bind bedsides if i do come back who do i go back to?. The only family that i have in the U.S is my husband he's all that i have, besides he doesn't have any family that i can stay with. Even if i did come back how on earth would i get around especially with not being able to drive not to mention i would have to try and find work. I'm just going to have to stay here until such time my husband comes out and then we'll have to start all over again.
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Old 12-04-2019, 02:17 AM
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I'm sorry to hear about the visiting. I would like to say there are taxies and things like Uber but I know with all the travel and hotel that would be pricey..
Is he able to send video at least?
If we had of lived in one of the cities like New York then maybe the transport wouldn't have been so bad for me to get around but unfortunately my husband is a country man.

I'm not sure about the videos, I'm not sure that they have those facilities in prison or not. All i know is that there is emails and letters for us to communicate with.
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Old 12-04-2019, 02:38 AM
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Originally Posted by studebaker71 View Post
Every experience "changes" a person. Going to prison will change the person, and it will change the loved ones that stick by that person. For the better? It is what you make of it. In my case, they took my girl and I have switched gears and rallied up to find ways to support her and get connected in other ways, this site helped. It has been over a year now, and when it happened, I was lost, I had no idea how much I loved her and what the heck I was gonna do. After running a muck and doing the wrong self destructive things, I noticed I was still around, and here. When you say people have a "breaking point" do they? I tend to think that in fact we don't, that there is no breaking point, that you may be self destructive to a point you kill yourself or something I guess that would be a breaking point, but other than that, when the smoke clears, and all the activity of breaking is done, you are still there left to pick your own pieces up.

I didn't give up, people do but I didn't. I am here for her. Financial problems can be terrible, but your loved one is getting food and a bed. I can write to her for .40 cents. It all depends on things how a relationship can go. Many many things happen when people are separated by prison or otherwise.

Ill say what make my relationship strong, we both let it to God and we both gave each other time and attention away from the negative and to focus on each other. We kept engaging on a level of our relationship and not on the level of some case and hard times etc.

I wont answer all your questions but I will say that the first few months were terrible, then like a roller coaster going down and down we had OK moments then another hit. All for about a year till the light started showing at the tunnel. Some conditions may differ! But ours was a rocky road for everything EXCEPT our relationship. Its a commitment to stay in through this, but if its like me, I am happy I am doing so.
Unfortunately we all do have a breaking point. I know that i cannot live without my husband and if something should happen to him then i wouldn't want to continue to live. I am barley trying to make it through for his sake because i know that without me life would be meaningless for him as well.

But had you had this discussion with me months ago i would have stated that people who took their lives were very selfish because they would leave behind loved ones who would mourn their loss. I would also not have been aware of how corrupt the penal, judicial and the police force are nor would i have known that it was a money making scheme to keep the poor poor and oppressed.

Nor would i have known that a lot of innocent people get locked up through no fault of their own and that the system is geared to make all inmates to take a plea because if they don't then the sentencing is much more greater and harsher.

I believe that anyone who sticks by their loved ones such as yourself and for the many others here on the forum should be commended because boy is it ever a hell of an emotional roller coaster ride.
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:31 AM
studebaker71 studebaker71 is offline
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Unfortunately we all do have a breaking point. I know that i cannot live without my husband and if something should happen to him then i wouldn't want to continue to live. I am barley trying to make it through for his sake because i know that without me life would be meaningless for him as well.

But had you had this discussion with me months ago i would have stated that people who took their lives were very selfish because they would leave behind loved ones who would mourn their loss. I would also not have been aware of how corrupt the penal, judicial and the police force are nor would i have known that it was a money making scheme to keep the poor poor and oppressed.

Nor would i have known that a lot of innocent people get locked up through no fault of their own and that the system is geared to make all inmates to take a plea because if they don't then the sentencing is much more greater and harsher.

I believe that anyone who sticks by their loved ones such as yourself and for the many others here on the forum should be commended because boy is it ever a hell of an emotional roller coaster ride.

It sure is terrible. And in my case an awakening I never expected with the exposure to greed and corruption and manipulation I would never have believed. But on the subject of “breaking point”, one discovery I had was in my case I did a lot of self destructive stuff but I didn’t try and kill myself. But I sure went down some path... and in the end, when the smoke cleared I came out of a fog and was still alive. And really looked to god for an answer and although there was no parting of the sky or lighting bolts and zippy do dahs, I was still there wondering wtf. My breaking point to self destruction, breaking point to reach out to god, and then my bewilderment of “that’s it?, nothing?” Hit after hit, it just kept coming court date after court date worse and worse thinking crap it won’t end. But I was still here and I’m still here and she’s still there... I just guess the only breaking point is the one that we won’t see because we will be dead? So then that logic tells me not to pay attention to the breaking point because if I hit it, then I wouldn’t know it anyways. Deep and weird I know but I share my thoughts here on such things because this thing that happened to my girl and me was profound and powerful. An experience that changed us, and in doing so opened my mind to a much more expansive capacity for compassion.

I hope you the best and in the whole of things the most valuable thing for me has been not to let the heavy in too much, focus on the positive for the moment and keep communication positive. You only have moments here and there to share, make them count for the good. That’s been my most valuable asset in survival so far. She’s not home yet so I’m not out of the weeds yet. Hoping to get her home in one piece by feb-March. Every day is closer.

Cheers and thanks for the positive words!!
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Old 12-04-2019, 12:32 PM
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408MoonGem 408MoonGem is offline
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I am barley trying to make it through for his sake because i know that without me life would be meaningless for him as well.

That's heavy
My husband use to say things like,
"I can't see a future without out you"
"I would rather be dead than to lose you"
"There's nothing else I want"
"I don't know who am I without you"

And that had to STOP! I love and adore him, but as his wife I felt it was my duty to remind him that I am not promised tomorrow, I can die or walk away at any moment, same for him, and that he NEEDS to be sure of HIMSELF without ME, his future, his life, his freedom... I want every part of it, but I want it with a strongly secure and confident him... otherwise when can I lean on him when I'm ill and weak to carry my heaviness?? Things turned around massively, took some time apart to make the shift, but it happened and I am no longer carrying a heavy load by being with or supporting him.

I sure hope you heal rapidly ((from surgery)).
Wishing you two the best.

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