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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 09-16-2017, 09:49 AM
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Thumbs down Ex sent our daughter a letter: he does not want a relationship with her.

So it has been several months since our divorce. Then yesterday a letter came from him to my dismay, addressed to our youngest daughter. I allowed her to open it, even at now 9 she is not stupid, and can understand some things pertaining to her father. Quote from him to her " I do not want to be in any relationship with you as your daddy"........I was floored. "Do not send me pictures of your school art work, they are silly and stupid".......the hurt in my daughters eyes, she ran into her bedroom, crying, not understanding as her father to believe what she read, and what I read. There was a caption about Buddha. I took the letter and wrote in big black letters "speechless", how he could hurt our baby girl from writing letters to her and like wise to this. Late last night I read about Buddha and his belief's. But to send a letter such as this, well I can't control what he sends to her, but I will be damn sure if he does someday pulls his head out of his ass he will come to terms he lost our youngest daughter and our son. According to Buddha there are no set rules to follow, that "karma" is a reverse of what is yet to come"........This human soul over 2,500 years ago taught that God is not a part of the universe, that when you die, you will be rein carted to another human being. What ev. I believe in the holy spirit in heaven and on earth. We all have our own beliefs. But to send his daughter a letter like this is just wow, wow, wow. Now again I have to cope and deal with our youngest daughter who was happy just the other day till his stupid fucked up letter to her, rocked her world. He can shove it. Its like I don't want to be a part of your life P, as you are not worth it in my circle. In other posts of its over, let it be. Life has more pleasures then to waste your time on persons who take advantage of you. Now back to counseling to help our youngest daughter to understand hopefully her daddy is screwed up. Wow.......
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Old 09-16-2017, 09:56 AM
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You could have avoided all of this by reading the letter first and not giving it to her. It almost seems you like the drama. It's your responsibility to protect her from things like this....and you CAN control what he sends. Don't give it to her.
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Old 09-16-2017, 10:16 AM
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I would put you guys on a no correspondence list with the prison. This way he can't send anything anymore when he realizes he screwed up and tries to apologize, then to do it again. Is he trying to get a reaction from you? Don't take the bait if he is.

Block him from your lives. File paperwork for child support when he comes out. You may never see it but you never know.

I'm sorry this happened.
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Old 09-16-2017, 10:31 AM
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I would agree ask the prison to stop him sending mail to you. You have beenin a cycle of drama with this man for years and you continue to give him access to you and your children.

He has caused you enough drama and you have let him continue. You almost seem to be hooked on his drama. Now dont let him do this to your beautiful children enough is enough surely.
Block him out of your lives before he does anymore harm.
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Old 09-16-2017, 10:53 AM
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Maybe some good will come of this, like you will stop encouraging her to keep in touch with a man who certainly has done no good to his family. I think it's horrible that he has done this. Just cut off all contact and yes get your kids in therapy and you too!.
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Old 09-16-2017, 11:37 AM
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Is this 9 year old daughter your "youngest daughter" who was 10 two months ago?

Girl... this isn't even the first time this year that he's sent her an inappropriate letter. Why do you continue to let her read a letter you haven't reviewed? This is the third time that you've posted about inappropriate things he's written to her or said to her on the phone.

I feel for her... but at this point you are a willing participant in her trauma.
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:29 PM
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To hurt a child....that you feel you can't control her mail hurts my soul even more!
Wake up! Walk away from drama. Eff him, he just purposely destroyed your child and you condone the behavior by citing some psycho babble. SNAP OUT OF IT.
This whole post is about her. Get her some counseling, get yourself some, and learn that no one gets to destroy your child's self worth.
Be done with him, he TOLD YOU AS MUCH.
Listen to what he said and move on for the sake of your children!
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by AndyS View Post
You could have avoided all of this by reading the letter first and not giving it to her. It almost seems you like the drama. It's your responsibility to protect her from things like this....and you CAN control what he sends. Don't give it to her.
No sorry you are wrong. And I am not a "drama queen".....I teach my kids the morals of daily living. I didn't feel her opening her father's letter was going to bring on this, as other letters he had written to her, I was allowing her to open and read his letters, they are addressed to her. If he writes again, after this crap, I will open it myself, if I don't like the contents, then it goes in the trash.
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Benjaminsbaby View Post
So it has been several months since our divorce. Then yesterday a letter came from him to my dismay, addressed to our youngest daughter. I allowed her to open it, even at now 9 she is not stupid, and can understand some things pertaining to her father. Quote from him to her " I do not want to be in any relationship with you as your daddy"........I was floored. "Do not send me pictures of your school art work, they are silly and stupid".......the hurt in my daughters eyes, she ran into her bedroom, crying, not understanding as her father to believe what she read, and what I read. There was a caption about Buddha. I took the letter and wrote in big black letters "speechless", how he could hurt our baby girl from writing letters to her and like wise to this. Late last night I read about Buddha and his belief's. But to send a letter such as this, well I can't control what he sends to her, but I will be damn sure if he does someday pulls his head out of his ass he will come to terms he lost our youngest daughter and our son. According to Buddha there are no set rules to follow, that "karma" is a reverse of what is yet to come"........This human soul over 2,500 years ago taught that God is not a part of the universe, that when you die, you will be rein carted to another human being. What ev. I believe in the holy spirit in heaven and on earth. We all have our own beliefs. But to send his daughter a letter like this is just wow, wow, wow. Now again I have to cope and deal with our youngest daughter who was happy just the other day till his stupid fucked up letter to her, rocked her world. He can shove it. Its like I don't want to be a part of your life P, as you are not worth it in my circle. In other posts of its over, let it be. Life has more pleasures then to waste your time on persons who take advantage of you. Now back to counseling to help our youngest daughter to understand hopefully her daddy is screwed up. Wow.......
This is SO sad to me! I know that people change all throughout their lives, and this too will maybe pass. I would be so hurt if I were you or your daughter. It truly would be hard to forgive.

There have been many, many times during my existence when I have been wronged and my father always encouraged me to forgive. My father is/was one of the most amazing people I have ever known! He always walked the path he believed was guided by our Father.

I said all that to say, I am going to pray for all of you. And I am even going to pray that you and your daughter have the strength to forgive him. I want this for your own well being and I want it for him when he is in a better place. If you have the strength to forgive, please try to keep your mind open for him to "come home" to his daughter's heart.

We don't know why he did what he did, but I suppose he probably thought it was going to help in his own survival. He can still grow, mature, and become a nurturing sole. My (now) husband had like a year of "questionable" thoughts/actions a little while after his sentencing. I gave him his space because I was not going to stick around for treatment that was less than I deserved. I, honestly, believe he was "in that mental space" because he was figuring out how to "survive". We connected again after that little time and he has been so amazing ever since. He is a really good man in so many ways now.

I pray for and wish you all the best!
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:37 PM
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No sorry you are wrong. And I am not a "drama queen".....I teach my kids the morals of daily living. I didn't feel her opening her father's letter was going to bring on this, as other letters he had written to her, I was allowing her to open and read his letters, they are addressed to her. If he writes again, after this crap, I will open it myself, if I don't like the contents, then it goes in the trash.
But you are not even trying to protect her if you even give him a chance to communicate at all with her after this. I don't care if he does send a nice letter why get her hopes up and then destroyed over and over??????????
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:39 PM
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This is SO sad to me! I know that people change all throughout their lives, and this too will maybe pass. I would be so hurt if I were you or your daughter. It truly would be hard to forgive.

There have been many, many times during my existence when I have been wronged and my father always encouraged me to forgive. My father is/was one of the most amazing people I have ever known! He always walked the path he believed was guided by our Father.

I said all that to say, I am going to pray for all of you. And I am even going to pray that you and your daughter have the strength to forgive him. I want this for your own well being and I want it for him when he is in a better place. If you have the strength to forgive, please try to keep your mind open for him to "come home" to his daughter's heart.

We don't know why he did what he did, but I suppose he probably thought it was going to help in his own survival. He can still grow, mature, and become a nurturing sole. My (now) husband had like a year of "questionable" thoughts/actions a little while after his sentencing. I gave him his space because I was not going to stick around for treatment that was less than I deserved. I, honestly, believe he was "in that mental space" because he was figuring out how to "survive". We connected again after that little time and he has been so amazing ever since. He is a really good man in so many ways now.

I pray for and wish you all the best!
Sometimes I just don't read other people's posts before I submit mine! I feel a little silly based on what I am reading now.
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Old 09-16-2017, 03:47 PM
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Maybe some good will come of this, like you will stop encouraging her to keep in touch with a man who certainly has done no good to his family. I think it's horrible that he has done this. Just cut off all contact and yes get your kids in therapy and you too!.
We all have been in counseling, family and separate. I.E. family and children's counselors. Yes he is a son of a bitch. I saw our mail man today and asked him if any letters come from any state prison return to sender. I don't write to him, why? To pay support he couldn't even begin to afford? But.......in the best interests of both of our children, when he began writing to our youngest, and yes she had a birthday recently, his letters were nothing like this. I was floored. What he did what 3-4 years ago, slammed all us to the floor. Thank God my kids weren't at home when their father was arrested. I didn't come on here to get slammed. Aren't we all here for info and support? One would think so. To many miscommunications. All his previous letters to her were about how she was doing in school, what she likes to do after school etc. How much he misses her and her brother, nothing like this. Have to even wonder if he was really sincere when we lost our Katie in a horrible accident. She was our oldest. It will take years to get past all the destruction this man has caused. Even tho he can't see them because I will not allow my children to go to a state prison because it is PRISON, and my thoughts and opinions on children going to a state prison are my own, I needed some support here. His letter to her was a stab in the back all over again not just to her, but to me. I felt allowing her to open his letter was the right thing to do. None of his other letters as I said were even close to this one. My bad.......Live and learn.
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Old 09-16-2017, 04:07 PM
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We all have been in counseling, family and separate. I.E. family and children's counselors. Yes he is a son of a bitch. I saw our mail man today and asked him if any letters come from any state prison return to sender. I don't write to him, why? To pay support he couldn't even begin to afford? But.......in the best interests of both of our children, when he began writing to our youngest, and yes she had a birthday recently, his letters were nothing like this. I was floored. What he did what 3-4 years ago, slammed all us to the floor. Thank God my kids weren't at home when their father was arrested. I didn't come on here to get slammed. Aren't we all here for info and support? One would think so. To many miscommunications. All his previous letters to her were about how she was doing in school, what she likes to do after school etc. How much he misses her and her brother, nothing like this. Have to even wonder if he was really sincere when we lost our Katie in a horrible accident. She was our oldest. It will take years to get past all the destruction this man has caused. Even tho he can't see them because I will not allow my children to go to a state prison because it is PRISON, and my thoughts and opinions on children going to a state prison are my own, I needed some support here. His letter to her was a stab in the back all over again not just to her, but to me. I felt allowing her to open his letter was the right thing to do. None of his other letters as I said were even close to this one. My bad.......Live and learn.


I am sorry you feel attacked and unsupported.... I pray that you and your children can heal from all the hurt.

I know for myself it may just be the way you come across because of the emotions behind your words. It seems as though the buck is being passed on some things but others you are adamant that you won't permit and you won't allow. We all make mistakes but when we know better, we must do better. Good luck to you....God has a plan.

p.s. It is not the mailman's responsibility to return your mail, call the jail and block him from mailing.
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Old 09-16-2017, 04:08 PM
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But you are not even trying to protect her if you even give him a chance to communicate at all with her after this. I don't care if he does send a nice letter why get her hopes up and then destroyed over and over??????????
In his other letters from the beginning before I allowed her to open a letter from her father, I opened them in front of her and read what he had to say. If they were ok, then she was allowed to have them. Oh yes I am protecting my two kids. As the slang term, I have their backs, or in the real world, I would walk through fire for both of them to protect from the unknown. I don't understand why he would write such a letter to our youngest. AND I DO NOT CONDONE HIS BEHAVIOR. He put himself in this mess, and HE has to deal with his own crap. I have spent thousands on counseling, what insurance didn't cover, and I have given my kids, since he doesn't want to be responsible for them to begin with, the love and care and devotion any parent would want for their kids. I have talked to them about the effects of his behavior in simple understandable words, not bash him. Because that just sends negativity. I have talked to my oldest son, the middle child about the dangers of drugs, you name it, I have covered it. My youngest was daddy's little girl. Now I have to go backwards and help her through her counselor to help undo this latest letter. And yes we had a crisis call to her counselor last night, as I felt that was ness. As one poster said he has lost out, and he/she is damn straight. The only good I can say about him is he gave me then 3 beautiful children ......but I am not going to bash them with his negative shit. Final question are each of us immune to this kind of shit? I would have to say no. I felt and I wish I could take it back, I should have said P let mommy open this one but felt yesterday it was ok, as all the other letters he had written were about her, and what she was doing in school, and the importance of school, and what she likes to do after school. This was a mistake I can't take back. But I can work on getting her back to the smiley happy child she was before I had to allow her to open this one letter, and believe me I kick myself for doing it.........
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Old 09-16-2017, 04:36 PM
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Wow the guy sounds like a total piece of work. Oh well, his loss, right?

From someone whom I fell in love with to getting married to having his children to this point, and then this, my personal thoughts of him is he will parole one day, and it will be a wake up that he fucked off what he had all due to his behavior of stealing to drugs. I will NOT allow my kids around this type of shit EVER, or should I say with HIM, unless a bailiff is with him and our/ my children. One of our greatest gifts are our children, how we raise them, care for them, teach them the golden rule. It is HIS loss, he will miss graduations, the prom, father and daughter dance, foot ball games, holidays, birthdays etc you get the picture. I didn't divorce him because I was pissed off at him, I divorced him because of his behavior, the lying, the stealing the drugs, who he ran with, people I didn't want my children to EVER be around. And just so you all know you couldn't pay me to take him back. EVER. He had a good life a loving wife who also worked her ass off, to raising our kids responsibly. My kids have to do chores if they want that extra something for themselves. Just last year instead of doing the traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas we were at a homeless shelter, dishing up food to those who might have gone without. I know who my kids play with, their parents, who they are, if I get one scent their parents are doing drugs or what ever, they don't go to their homes they can come to mine. And one poster is right, I will take his letters and return them to him with refused. I don't need the stress of going through hell again. The pain is still there from years back, and it will take many years to "forgive" him of his actions.
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Old 09-16-2017, 08:18 PM
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Angry is good. No more victim.
You sound like a fighter now!!! YES!!!
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Old 09-16-2017, 08:37 PM
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To pay support he couldn't even begin to afford?
I don't know what state you are in, or the technicalities of the prison system he is in, or for how long he wll be in, but there is a definite possibility that you file for child support against him: He pays a minimal amount while in prison to the state. The state pays you. And they go after the difference after he is released.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:12 AM
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We all live and learn. It was totally despicable on his part. You learned he was even more of an asshole than you thought. Now, maybe you can cut him out of your life and your children's lives for good.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:32 AM
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I'm with LifeTraveller on this. There's no reason whatsoever to ever look back and make him a part of your lives ever again. What he did was beyond despicable in my eyes and none of you deserved this, especially your children. I hope you'll all recover from this ordeal and move and and away and find a much better place in life.
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Old 09-17-2017, 06:02 AM
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He wrote it to get a reaction out of YOU. He knows exactly what to say and do to get under your skin and using the kids as a ploy is his way of "winning". I would not allow another letter to be opened from him to her without reading it first.

I would stop all contact with him, even with the kids and when they are old enough to make their own decisions, then they can. You are their Mom and protecting them from his douche-bag ways is the best. Why succumb them to his abuse? Explain to the children that Dad is sick and not healthy and that having a relationship with him at this time, is unhealthy for THEIR psyche.

You are the Mom, take control and stop contact with him.
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:33 AM
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I really dont have any words.
Im gobsmacked.
I understand your allowing your daughter to open a letter to her from her father.
In hindsight, of course you wish you had not allowed her to open it without reading it first. Since he'd been semi interested in what she was doing in her life....I get it.
At THIS point however I must agree with whomever said to call the prison, and tell them do not accept any letters to you or your children.
Return all correspondence from him, unopened. REFUSED.
Dont be tempted to open them. Anything that :*&^%#$#@@ has to say is shit.
Eff him. Eff the horse he rode in on.

If at some point down the road they (the kids) actually want to correspond with him its up to you, but I think I would discourage it. Highly. He's toxic.
Anyone who would do that to a 9-10yo girl is a mf.

Im so pissed right now even thinking about this.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:08 AM
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^^^I soooo agree with Sidewalker! Anyone who would do that to a child, his own child especially, is to be left out of the family activities. For good.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:40 AM
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I think Ben did that 100% to hurt the OP. He knows she is too over him for him to hurt her anymore, but he also knows she will ache if her daughter aches.

It was calculated, planned and to me that makes it all the more evil.
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Old 09-17-2017, 11:05 AM
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Not an excuse at all and I second (fourth, fifth...) everything that's been said, but--

Isn't he an addict? So, based on that alone I wouldn't allow unmonitored contact with my children. Substance abuse makes one's behaviour unstable. Three times he's sweet, one time he's really, really sour. That's the only predictable pattern and one (by now) you should have picked up on.

I hope the distance you put between him and your family helps everyone to heal and move forward. Anything less is enabling him and hurting everyone else.
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Old 09-17-2017, 01:52 PM
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This morning, my youngest daughter said "mommy can I throw daddy's letters away?" I asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted to do. She said I heard you crying last night, and it made me mad. I said honey I was crying because of the hateful letter he wrote to you, not because I was mad at him. So can I she replied. I said if you feel in your heart this is something to do, then I allow you to do it. Then she said which surprised me, he hurt you, he hurt me and my brother, he hurt Katie, and yes he did, in so many ways its hard to take in. I don't want to write daddy anymore mommy, he's mean. I said you have to do what the heart wants. Its very sad when you give it your all with a x in prison to have him send a letter to my youngest daughter. I said P you are smarter then most young girls and I never expected you to come to me, and P replied, mommy you love us, and take care of us, we love you, then she replied, are you taking to me to t's birthday party today, oh yes, you need to bathe and put on your party dress. So she is at T's birthday party, a young girl from her class at school and I hope she has a wonderful time. As for anymore letters unless they come from the Warden, all will be returned to sender, refused, and leave it at that.
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