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  #1  
Old 01-11-2018, 12:24 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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Default Feeling confused....

One of my really close guy friends is away at Franklin C.I. in Florida. We’ve been really great friends for about 3-4 years. We got REALLY close before he went away last September. His gf broke up with him a few months before he went to jail. She was seeing someone else behind his back and now she’s with a new guy. I know he was really devastated by this. Because the way it was done was really cold.

He sent me a Christmas card and the card stated that he couldn’t think of anyone other than me he’d want to send the card to. I wrote him back and told him I miss him and am so ready for him to come home. I got a letter like 10 days later saying that he appreciates everything I do and how positive I am to him. He says he sees I am a good person. He also told me that he is in the most difficult situation of his life and that this is the hardest test he’s ever had to deal with. He said he still wasn’t over being coldly dumped. He said that he hopes I understand that right now he only needs a friend. He then said at least until he gets his life situated. He went on to call me pet names he usually calls me and then says AGAIN that he won’t be home until June so he hopes I understand WHY he says he only wants a friend. He sent me a visitation application. (I’m in NC he’s in FL)

I was confused because i didn’t even mention us being a couple.... idk why he brought it up. And if he wants to be adamant about “just friends” why send me a visitation when he is states away and will be home in about 5-6 months anyway?


I know this is the most difficult situation anyone could be in but I’m trying to be understanding to his feelings but I’m extremely confused....I still give him my support. And comfort him. I wonder if something I said made him think I was expecting anything. I’m not really sure. I DO want to visit him and i did complete my application. I’m just waiting until it gets approved but now it feels weird.... why would he want me to come there AT ALL....
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  #2  
Old 01-11-2018, 12:39 PM
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I think he's probably more confused than you are. His world has been completely tipped upside down, dumped out, set on fire and his only job right now is to put it back together.

He sounds really grateful to have you in his life and he's doing his best to set healthy boundaries, but he may not realize that his boundaries are less clear to you than he intends. I don't think that a visiting form is reason for confusion, friends visit all of the time. Pet names? I can see why that may be confusing but I'm one of those hokey folks who call everyone hun and sweetheart so I'd be guilty of that, too.

For now, be honest with him about your desire or ability to visit. Keep doing whatever supportive/friend thing you've been doing. Let him talk through his feelings and if he crosses over into something more and you're not interested, deal with it then.
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Old 01-11-2018, 03:57 PM
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I hear the confusion on both ends. You both have every right to be a little lost and be a little confused. That being said... you said, "Why would he want me to come there at all" after saying how he only wants friends. This makes me really sad for you. It sounds like you don't feel important unless you're in something significant. People visit friends in prison every day. Hell, I have visited friends that were incarcerated when they were states away - that didn't mean I had any romantic feelings for them - it meant that I care for them, love them, and want to be there for them. I think if you want to see him, then you should totally go visit him. If you don't want to... then don't go. Whatever you're doing he's obviously appreciative of you and cares for you and I think that's wonderful.
It sounds like he's being realistic by saying he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know what'll happen when he gets out, etc... it sounds like he's avoiding getting hurt, avoiding hurting you, and knows everything could absolutely change when he's released.
I say take this one step at a time - there's no rush. You're obviously a strong person, I know you can do this!

ps: I'd like to add that if you do visit, it could be a great situation for you to get everything out in the open and talk face to face about any confusion, wants, desires, lack of, or expectations.
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Old 01-11-2018, 04:10 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissStar View Post
I hear the confusion on both ends. You both have every right to be a little lost and be a little confused. That being said... you said, "Why would he want me to come there at all" after saying how he only wants friends. This makes me really sad for you. It sounds like you don't feel important unless you're in something significant. People visit friends in prison every day. Hell, I have visited friends that were incarcerated when they were states away - that didn't mean I had any romantic feelings for them - it meant that I care for them, love them, and want to be there for them. I think if you want to see him, then you should totally go visit him. If you don't want to... then don't go. Whatever you're doing he's obviously appreciative of you and cares for you and I think that's wonderful.
It sounds like he's being realistic by saying he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know what'll happen when he gets out, etc... it sounds like he's avoiding getting hurt, avoiding hurting you, and knows everything could absolutely change when he's released.
I say take this one step at a time - there's no rush. You're obviously a strong person, I know you can do this!

ps: I'd like to add that if you do visit, it could be a great situation for you to get everything out in the open and talk face to face about any confusion, wants, desires, lack of, or expectations.


Well I filled out my application and sent it to the prison. I guess I just have to wait. I DO miss him. And you’re right, it made me feel unimportant because I hadn’t referenced us dating. We did tip toe around the idea before he went away but we never acted on it because he had just been dumped. He also said in the letter that all he needed was God and his family. That he is happy he found his way in life. He said “i don’t want to hurt anyone who loves or cares about me with that said, I do appreciate you taking the time to write me” he speaks kinda ..... I guess vague.... it’s hard to explain.
I heard the approval process takes forever I hope not tho :/
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Old 01-11-2018, 04:25 PM
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To me, I don't think it's a bad idea to send in the visiting form (which you've indicated that you've done.) That way you have the OPTION but not the OBLIGATION to visit. In his case....he probably is thinking of you and feeling like you've been a strong support to him just in general. There may be some wishful(?) thinking on his part that maybe there is a relationship potentially down the road, but it also sounds like he's not absolutely EXPECTING it.

My honest take, from a guy's perspective? There is interest there on his part. And you guys were getting close before he went away. And by the sounds of it...there is at least a passing interest on your part, otherwise you would be firm in saying "just friends," not considering the visit, not questioning this to this extent.

So I think you should stay in touch. Take things slow. Let whatever relationship (whether it's romantic or not) continue to develop organically rather than push things. If you and he are going to have something.....let that become more established once he's out. But don't be afraid to allow yourself to feel something, or of him feeling something. Since you're not putting out a complete stop sign but rather sort of in a "procede with caution and figure out what this is" mode from what I can tell.....well, all I can say is I wish you both the best of luck, and that regardless of the direction that the relationship takes, that it will be happy and healthy for both of you.

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Old 01-11-2018, 06:00 PM
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He's definitely talking vague. I like what MissingDee said -- A LOT!
I hope the application doesn't take too long to process. I know every center and state is different, for my husband in Colorado (minimum security) it only takes about two weeks - as long as I don't screw up and forget information (like I have before lol). Good luck, dear!
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Old 01-11-2018, 06:03 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissStar View Post
He's definitely talking vague. I like what MissingDee said -- A LOT!
I hope the application doesn't take too long to process. I know every center and state is different, for my husband in Colorado (minimum security) it only takes about two weeks - as long as I don't screw up and forget information (like I have before lol). Good luck, dear!
The only thing I may have screwed up is I sent it just to the facility. Not sure if I was supposed to send to him!
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Old 01-12-2018, 02:01 PM
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Post Sending to..

You can call the facility and see if they received your application alright. I’d wait a few days after sending it of course but they can let you know if they got It all right.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:02 PM
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The only thing I may have screwed up is I sent it just to the facility. Not sure if I was supposed to send to him!
In California, you are not supposed to send it to the inmate. The inmate should send the form to you, with his signature. You send it to the facility and they process it. They will let him know whether or not you've been approved and it is his responsibility to tell you.
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:49 PM
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In Florida it is supposed to go to classification.
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:15 PM
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The OP's inmate is in a FL facility.
Please bear in mind that every state is different.
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Old 01-14-2018, 03:23 PM
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The only thing I may have screwed up is I sent it just to the facility. Not sure if I was supposed to send to him!
Any update?
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Old 01-14-2018, 04:42 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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So before I sent it, I called their classification office. The woman who answered was very nice. I had her to walk me through the process of the application because I didn’t want to get denied. She told me you don’t send it to the inmate. She gave me an address to send it to which was the address of the prison. The only thing I noticed AFTER i sent it already was I didn’t write “classifications” but she didn’t mention that ugh so I hope it’s ok.
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Old 01-14-2018, 04:44 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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And does anyone know how long it takes?
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Old 01-15-2018, 01:55 PM
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Every prison is different, but mine usually take about 2 weeks total (sending it in, them receiving it, them denying or approving it, and then my husband getting notified)
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Old 01-15-2018, 03:17 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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Quote:
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Every prison is different, but mine usually take about 2 weeks total (sending it in, them receiving it, them denying or approving it, and then my husband getting notified)


I hope so because my vacation is in about 3 weeks and I’ll have time to go see him then. Makes me excited thinking about it!
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Old 01-15-2018, 04:10 PM
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What day did you send it in, again?
I usually wait until the 10th business day and then call and check in hahahah.
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Old 01-15-2018, 05:02 PM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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What day did you send it in, again?
I usually wait until the 10th business day and then call and check in hahahah.
I sent it back Jan 9
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:27 AM
Gabriela2927 Gabriela2927 is offline
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Quote:
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What day did you send it in, again?
I usually wait until the 10th business day and then call and check in hahahah.
I called classifications office she was very nice. She said that I shouldn’t get my mail back just because I forgot to write “classifications” on the envelope. She asked me my inmates number I told her and she said she didn’t have anything for me yet and to check back the end of this week. So I can’t wait to update you guys on when I actually get to see him!
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