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  #1  
Old 12-30-2008, 01:23 PM
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Lightbulb Domestic Violence from "Rules"or "Guidelines" within marriage/relationship?

Does having "RULES" or "Guidelines" on how you conduct your relationship/marriage make it an automatic "SHOE IN FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."

I ask this because I've just got bashed for comments made in a similar thread for my husband and I having different DO'S and DON'T that we follow within our MARRIAGE. Just because I respect my husband and his wishes and vice versa, doesn't mean I will or HE will end up a punching bag. I was told I should go over to the domestic violence thread because of basically the way my marriage is run...And also that we don't have our OWN identity...All I can say is.... WOW!! Something my husband and I both say very often...WOW, which means What Others Want!!

And I totally understand that we are different in every way and have ranging opinions, all I ask, is don't be rude PLEASE!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:30 PM
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Hell nah girl, thats just people discrimaten cuz they wouldn't have them rules in they relationship. Don't let the ignorance of others get to u. If its good for u & ur man then nothin else matters. In the world and on this site ESPECIALLY people have more opinions then u can imagine & are quick to give um even if u aint asken for um. If ur man aint abusen u physically, mentally or emotionally and ya all are happy F.E.B. (F*** everybody else)
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:31 PM
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it depends because it could be seen as emotional abuse by some people i know what your talking about with the thread and i have to say everyone has there opinons on how there relationship is gonna be what what works for you probaly won't work for someone else dust your shoulder off and keep moving
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:35 PM
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PS Where is this GUIDE LINE for DV anyways? hmm? Seems to me someone's guideline for DV would bed opinionated as well cuz what one may see as DV another may not...
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:39 PM
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Abuse comes in a variety of forms. Some would say external hurts may heal faster than internal ones. All things truly NOT being equal I say grow a thick skin if you are going to put your business out there it is unlikely that every single member that happens upon your thread will agree. That you can take to the bank!

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Old 12-30-2008, 01:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jonivea View Post
Does having "RULES" or "Guidelines" on how you conduct your relationship/marriage make it an automatic "SHOE IN FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."

I ask this because I've just got bashed for comments made in a similar thread for my husband and I having different DO'S and DON'T that we follow within our MARRIAGE. Just because I respect my husband and his wishes and vice versa, doesn't mean I will or HE will end up a punching bag. I was told I should go over to the domestic violence thread because of basically the way my marriage is run...And also that we don't have our OWN identity...All I can say is.... WOW!! Something my husband and I both say very often...WOW, which means What Others Want!!

And I totally understand that we are different in every way and have ranging opinions, all I ask, is don't be rude PLEASE!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
My husband and I definitely have set rules that we both agree upon.
For instance, the other day at church I saw a guyfriend and a girlfriend of mine get in the car together before church and go to Starbucks. Now, I am not thinking that they went off and had a quickie before church. I am very laid back and trusting about stuff like that until I am proven wrong, and even then I am very forgiving - but I am wise. However, this girlfriend I speak of just recently broke up with her fiance, and the guyfriend is married, but his wife NEVER comes to church, and he is very involved in leading worship with a "rock'nroll" type style in the Youth... so, there could be an "appearance of evil" there if you didn't know them.
I talked to my husband about it, and he proposed a rule that neither of us can ride alone with a member of the opposite sex. I agreed with him because I would see it as disprespectful to him if I were to be riding around with a young dude that could definitely try to start something with me. If it's not necessary, then I can do without it.
So, we BOTH agreed on a PROPOSED rule... But there are definitely those out there that will have something negative to say about it.

You know what I think? I think the people that get all weird about these rules and say that you don't have your own identity are just mad because they think that their significant other would never agree to any such rules. Since they feel that they are not cared about enough to be respected in such a way, they try to put a negative label on said practices. 65% of marriages are failing these days, so it takes MORE THAN AVERAGE work and preventive measures to keep a marriage healthy and intact - that means that MOST people probably won't agree with two people going above and beyond to keep their marriage happy, healthy, thriving, and LASTING.

Oh, and I definitely don't think that these rules bring risks of domestic violence. NO WAY! lol... That is actually funny to think about in my case, since my husband is SUCH a lover - never a fighter. If I were to break a rule, the worst thing he would do is be VERY hurt, and therefore it would hurt me EMOTIONALLY - but never physically.
There are cases where there is a master/slave type thing going on where one person has a bunch of rules thrust upon them, punishable by their imposer, but I don't think that's the type of thing that you are talking about.....

But like Patty said, if you're going to talk about it here, just grow a thick skin. Be sure of your opinions and your reasons why, express them in a respectful matter, and don't worry about what others think. Try to learn from them in whatever way you can - even if all you learn is how to ignore them!
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Old 12-30-2008, 02:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizJohnson View Post
My husband and I definitely have set rules that we both agree upon.
For instance, the other day at church I saw a guyfriend and a girlfriend of mine get in the car together before church and go to Starbucks. Now, I am not thinking that they went off and had a quickie before church. I am very laid back and trusting about stuff like that until I am proven wrong, and even then I am very forgiving - but I am wise. However, this girlfriend I speak of just recently broke up with her fiance, and the guyfriend is married, but his wife NEVER comes to church, and he is very involved in leading worship with a "rock'nroll" type style in the Youth... so, there could be an "appearance of evil" there if you didn't know them.
I talked to my husband about it, and he proposed a rule that neither of us can ride alone with a member of the opposite sex. I agreed with him because I would see it as disprespectful to him if I were to be riding around with a young dude that could definitely try to start something with me. If it's not necessary, then I can do without it.
So, we BOTH agreed on a PROPOSED rule... But there are definitely those out there that will have something negative to say about it.

You know what I think? I think the people that get all weird about these rules and say that you don't have your own identity are just mad because they think that their significant other would never agree to any such rules. Since they feel that they are not cared about enough to be respected in such a way, they try to put a negative label on said practices. 65% of marriages are failing these days, so it takes MORE THAN AVERAGE work and preventive measures to keep a marriage healthy and intact - that means that MOST people probably won't agree with two people going above and beyond to keep their marriage happy, healthy, thriving, and LASTING.

Oh, and I definitely don't think that these rules bring risks of domestic violence. NO WAY! lol... That is actually funny to think about in my case, since my husband is SUCH a lover - never a fighter. If I were to break a rule, the worst thing he would do is be VERY hurt, and therefore it would hurt me EMOTIONALLY - but never physically.
There are cases where there is a master/slave type thing going on where one person has a bunch of rules thrust upon them, punishable by their imposer, but I don't think that's the type of thing that you are talking about.....

But like Patty said, if you're going to talk about it here, just grow a thick skin. Be sure of your opinions and your reasons why, express them in a respectful matter, and don't worry about what others think. Try to learn from them in whatever way you can - even if all you learn is how to ignore them!
I'd just like to say thank you for your opinions.. I definitely feel the way you put things and more and I agree with you on the above and beyond measures to make a healthy and lasting marriage. I'll do anything for my husband because he is my backbone and I am his and vice versa with him...So thank you so much MizJohnson...
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Old 12-30-2008, 02:40 PM
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thank you for making this post, people threw a hissy fit when i posted a topic about this same subject! i def. feel ya, i wonder how people even in the real world not the prison world put up with crap lol!

for us we have our boundaries, i agree with miz j. we have that same rule now about riding in the car with the opposite sex and if we have to we let each other know.
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Old 12-30-2008, 03:33 PM
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What works for one couple will not work for another couple. The reason being, e each of us is an individual, we each have our own thoughts, feelings, and tolerances. You may tolerate a lot more than I do, or vice versa. You may tolerate a lot less than I do, so be it!

Each of us has our own relationship, with our own set of rules. Some of these we make up as we go along, some are set in stone, at least to us. If your husand loves you and your relationship works for the both of you, then don't worry about what others say or think. Only YOU and HE can decide if things are close to DV or not.

As Elanor Roosevelt said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

Don't give them permission to make you feel ANYTHING!
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Old 12-30-2008, 03:40 PM
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i'm not understanding the connection between you an your husband's rules and domestic violence????? don't let negative opinions get you down. if your guys rules work great for you, that's all that matters!!!
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Old 12-30-2008, 03:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jonivea View Post
I'd just like to say thank you for your opinions.. I definitely feel the way you put things and more and I agree with you on the above and beyond measures to make a healthy and lasting marriage. I'll do anything for my husband because he is my backbone and I am his and vice versa with him...So thank you so much MizJohnson...
Aw.. you're welcome Thank you for your kinds words!
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Old 12-30-2008, 04:10 PM
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Saw-rah having rules are good,,as well as guide-lines when it comes to a marriage because you don't want to ASS-U-me your man has the same moral upbringing or background,,and therefore knows the rules as it applies to the two of you.
I was married twice. The first guy knew the rules but time in prison got to be too much.
So I married again thinking knowing what to do or what not to do in a marriage was automatically known and matched. thought the second guy knew the rules. Big mistake.
He did not come from a two parent home where the mother and father was still together like I did and he was missing a whole lot of information.
There are many types of successful marriages. Those where BOTH parties have a controlling factor over each other,,,is one of them.
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:53 PM
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Since you think that I was talking about you (rolling eyes) I will address your thread. First off I didn't say YOUR relationship was on the grounds of domestic violence. I said some of the post I had read. If you feel that you and yours works well with rules and regulations do you! I commented on what I felt and thats that. As patty said, grow thick skin. Its not that deep to have to post a new thread about it.

As I said, mine don;t have to tell me how to act like a lady....his lady. I know how to do that. Just like I dont have to tell him his position.....He knows that. But again....thats me and my relationship. Work yours how you work it, Cause im damn sure working mine how I works it! Peace & blessings unto you my sister.
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:54 PM
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very well said! <<rules>> or understanding are needed in a relationship, and baby wrote it perfectly about one assuming xx and the other assuming zz,<<rules> are part of communication, complicity and the will for a healthy love. may be people hiss at the word <rules> because there have been so many articles, therapists talking about abuse and rules that the word has a huge red mark. if rules come from 1 person, that threat of emotional or physical punishement if the rules aren't respected ,yes it is abuse, but is not to be compared to the rules some couples that are happy and have disscused .
Quote:
Originally Posted by MizJohnson View Post
My husband and I definitely have set rules that we both agree upon.
For instance, the other day at church I saw a guyfriend and a girlfriend of mine get in the car together before church and go to Starbucks. Now, I am not thinking that they went off and had a quickie before church. I am very laid back and trusting about stuff like that until I am proven wrong, and even then I am very forgiving - but I am wise. However, this girlfriend I speak of just recently broke up with her fiance, and the guyfriend is married, but his wife NEVER comes to church, and he is very involved in leading worship with a "rock'nroll" type style in the Youth... so, there could be an "appearance of evil" there if you didn't know them.
I talked to my husband about it, and he proposed a rule that neither of us can ride alone with a member of the opposite sex. I agreed with him because I would see it as disprespectful to him if I were to be riding around with a young dude that could definitely try to start something with me. If it's not necessary, then I can do without it.
So, we BOTH agreed on a PROPOSED rule... But there are definitely those out there that will have something negative to say about it.

You know what I think? I think the people that get all weird about these rules and say that you don't have your own identity are just mad because they think that their significant other would never agree to any such rules. Since they feel that they are not cared about enough to be respected in such a way, they try to put a negative label on said practices. 65% of marriages are failing these days, so it takes MORE THAN AVERAGE work and preventive measures to keep a marriage healthy and intact - that means that MOST people probably won't agree with two people going above and beyond to keep their marriage happy, healthy, thriving, and LASTING.

Oh, and I definitely don't think that these rules bring risks of domestic violence. NO WAY! lol... That is actually funny to think about in my case, since my husband is SUCH a lover - never a fighter. If I were to break a rule, the worst thing he would do is be VERY hurt, and therefore it would hurt me EMOTIONALLY - but never physically.
There are cases where there is a master/slave type thing going on where one person has a bunch of rules thrust upon them, punishable by their imposer, but I don't think that's the type of thing that you are talking about.....

But like Patty said, if you're going to talk about it here, just grow a thick skin. Be sure of your opinions and your reasons why, express them in a respectful matter, and don't worry about what others think. Try to learn from them in whatever way you can - even if all you learn is how to ignore them!
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:03 PM
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Yes, the point wobabi made that SOME people are raised to know the rules, while others are NOT was a very good point. We can never ASSUme anything...

This is a good topic of discussion. Thanks OP - Whatever reason you have for posting it.
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:24 PM
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To me the words rules and regulations dont sound good. But thats just me. If someone makes "rules" about where I can go, when I got to be back, and who I can go with...to ME it seams like it would escalate. IF it works for you, fine. But I'm just not one for "rules"....go figure.
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:44 PM
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You know, in every past relationship I had we never sat down and discussed boundaries/dealbreakers/rules/expectations - whatever you want to call them and the relationships failed because how can someone be expected to know what I am thinking or vice versa.

This relationship I decided to put it all out there, everything, my likes, dislikes, what I would put up with, what I wouldn't - I am almost 39 years old and had 2 really bad relationships prior to this one and I didn't want to have to go through all that again. For US it works, I know what he wants, he knows what I want and we communicate when our needs are not being met.

In terms of DV - well if you have been through it - you know some of the first things to go is your freedom, your identity and your control over anything. That person wants you to have nothing but him/her so that you become so dependent on them you will not be able to do anything for yourself. I think that is the connection to DV that person was trying to make....starts out as little requests - "baby, I don't like when you wear your hair like that" to something much bigger and much more damaging.
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Old 12-31-2008, 04:03 AM
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Having rules, or guidelines, in a marriage, or a relationship, is not an indicator of domestic violence. There are people who prefer to "wing it" and there are people who prefer to lay down guidelines. While it's true that Domestic Violence will start out with a loss of control, and with very subtle hints and comments, usually, the difference between domestic violence and agreement to rules is CONSENT.
For instance, if he says you can never be seen in the presence of any male but him, and you agree to avoid an argument, but you are uncomfortable with it - that is NOT consent. Consent would be agreeing to that wholeheartedly, and with a clear conscience and mind.

Having spent some time doing community education on Domestic Violence vs consensual relationships, this is something we are taught to watch for. It all boils down to consent, in the end. If the players in the relationship are happy, then it's really no one else's business what goes on in that relationship, or what their dynamic is.
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Old 12-31-2008, 08:28 AM
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Quote:
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. While it's true that Domestic Violence will start out with a loss of control, and with very subtle hints and comments, usually, the difference between domestic violence and agreement to rules is CONSENT.



Having spent some time doing community education on Domestic Violence vs consensual relationships, this is something we are taught to watch for. It all boils down to consent, in the end. If the players in the relationship are happy, then it's really no one else's business what goes on in that relationship, or what their dynamic is.
Good point,,I will keep that in mind.
Because I do see some women agreeing to certain things in the beginning and then when things get a bit old they want to change the rules placing the rule in a control bucket.
It was ok when you were trying to win him over,,,But Good info Day!
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Old 12-31-2008, 10:39 AM
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Just to clarify - consent is definitely the main factor in mine&my husbands "rules" (which we call agreements. lol). If he tried to tell me that I "couldn't" wear my hair a certain way, I would NOT consent to that... that's ridiculous and controlling. Neither of us want *control* over the other - we put our agreements in place as preventive measures to protect our marriage, and that's it - not for our own selfish reasoning. Things like what I wear, listen to, or where I go are more between me and God - as long as I'm not *TRYING* to attract members of the opposite sex or something like that which would be a direct violation against my husband. As long as I am faithful to him and respect him, I am fulfilling my duties to our relationship. All other matters, like how I wear my hair or my clothes, are matters that only God can check me on. My husband might bring something to my attention, but he doesn't RULE my life.
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Old 12-31-2008, 01:01 PM
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exactly Miz J.
I think one "rule" he has given me, is not chop my hair off, getting a trim is fine but to him he likes long hair and the lord knows i am trying to grow it out

It's when you have to ask permission for every last thing- to me that's rediculous
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Old 12-31-2008, 01:19 PM
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Yeah, mine *prefers* long hair, and I want him to be so attracted to me that he just can't stand it (and he is), so I keep my hair long. I've had long hair for my entire life, though, so it's not like I'm changing anything. I've had the same exact hairstyle since I was 5 years old... But when I get a lil older and long hair just doesn't work anymore, I will definitely be getting a shorter, cute type of cut, and he will not be able to stop me... and heaven knows he won't leave me or try to punish me for it! It's just hair!
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Old 12-31-2008, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by jonivea View Post
Does having "RULES" or "Guidelines" on how you conduct your relationship/marriage make it an automatic "SHOE IN FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."

I ask this because I've just got bashed for comments made in a similar thread for my husband and I having different DO'S and DON'T that we follow within our MARRIAGE. Just because I respect my husband and his wishes and vice versa, doesn't mean I will or HE will end up a punching bag. I was told I should go over to the domestic violence thread because of basically the way my marriage is run...And also that we don't have our OWN identity...All I can say is.... WOW!! Something my husband and I both say very often...WOW, which means What Others Want!!

And I totally understand that we are different in every way and have ranging opinions, all I ask, is don't be rude PLEASE!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
"Rules" and "Boundaries in a marriage does not make anyone a show in for domestic violence. That is absurd.
A marriage should have boundaries, why not?
I know people would probably think that the way my husband and I run our marriage is a bit tough, but it is what we are both comfortable with. I am sure there are boundaries in our marriage that would not work for others in their marriage. But that doesn't mean we are wrong, it is what works for us. We each have our own identity, but we also know that we agree one, as a couple and that is the way it is. Everything I do affects him and vice versa......We both consent to how we run our life together, so as long as we both are fine with it, then that is all that matters.
As long as you are happy in your marriage and comfortable in it, who cares what others think, they don't know anything about your marriage, about you or your husband personally, so their opinions mean nothing.

When people hear the words rules, they automatically think of bad things. Rules are not bad things as long as the 2 people involved both consent to them with a clear understanding of what they are agreeing to.
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Old 12-31-2008, 10:26 PM
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Saw-rah having rules are good,,as well as guide-lines when it comes to a marriage because you don't want to ASS-U-me your man has the same moral upbringing or background,,and therefore knows the rules as it applies to the two of you.
I was married twice. The first guy knew the rules but time in prison got to be too much.
So I married again thinking knowing what to do or what not to do in a marriage was automatically known and matched. thought the second guy knew the rules. Big mistake.
He did not come from a two parent home where the mother and father was still together like I did and he was missing a whole lot of information.
There are many types of successful marriages. Those where BOTH parties have a controlling factor over each other,,,is one of them.

I do believe upbring does play a big role in the way you respect or don't respect your spouse...I see how my mother and father treat each other and value each others opinion as well as their feelings towards things such as not being put in an awkward situation where as a one coming in and not knowing whats going on, but things just don't look right...You know not putting themselves in a pickle before hand, but instead thinking out the situation.
You know, I'm wondering those who don't apply to "rules," or whatever they may call them that gets their drawers bunched up, what would they feel if their man was home while they were out with the "girls," and call and said "I want YOU home." Would this be consider a demand, or one of those I'm not your child and you don't tell me what to do LOLOLOLOL type of things....Me, personally, I'd go running like a sick chicken, because it's my man, NO STRATCH DAT, he's my HUSBAND, there's a complete difference in the two, and he is wanting me, HIS WIFE there with him and no one else and this is where the respect/values of how you truly feel falls into place because if I were to call him, it'll be the exact reaction, because I AM FIRST IN HIS LIFE after GOD and he is in MINE!!!

If you settle for ANYthing, than you'll fall for NOThing...
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Old 12-31-2008, 11:27 PM
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Well we do not have set of rules we just always try to respect each other's thoughts,feelings and minds.I disagree with the coming from a two parent home,I did not and I totally respect my husband and his role in our family and he knows that.
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