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  #1  
Old 07-03-2006, 10:30 PM
Isabelia Isabelia is offline
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Default Fight on the phone with boyfriend in jail :(

My boyfriend called me tonight and we got a fight on the phone. It's about something that was going bad in our relationship before he went to jail so I knew we would end up bringing that up again. It's our both's fault, I'm blaming both of ourselves. But he hung up really fast and now I am just worried he won't call again soon. This is the first time it turns out like that since he's been in jail (more than a week now). The other calls were different: support, cry, laugh, nice memories, etc. and both being worried of what sentence he's gonna get (most likely 2 years). At this moment I am going crazy. Have you ever been in a fight in the phone with your boyfriend/husband while he was in jail? How did you deal with it since you couldn't fix it face to face? Thanks a lot.
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Old 07-03-2006, 10:43 PM
rebeccak67 rebeccak67 is offline
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kyle and i have been in 1 fight since he's gone to jail (he's only been there about a month). he hung up on me and BOY WAS I PISSED! but, i calmed down a bit and realized that i was also in the wrong for yelling at him when i need to be supportive. we're both just edgy right now. we're going through a ton of emotional ups and downs. luckily he called back in about an hour and i felt a LOT better. he said he just needed a little time to cool off -- which is good because i probably did, too
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Old 07-03-2006, 10:44 PM
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Default fight on the phone with boyfriend in jail

Ok,.... first and foremost DO NOT start thinking all sorts of crazy,paranoid thoughts! He'll call you again! Probably tomorrow to wish you a happy 4th. Having unfinished business over the phone when they're locked up always sucks.Trust me though,when you talk to him again you'll feel so relieved and you'll wish you hadn't freaked out so bad and worried yourself so much. He'll call!!!!!
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Old 07-04-2006, 02:21 AM
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hope everything works out for ya , and you talk to him real soon
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Old 07-04-2006, 04:38 AM
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That was one of the things I feared most - he was a moody sucker, and if he decided there wasn't going to be a call or a visit, there wasn't going to be anything I could do about it! We had numerous fights and hang-ups, and unfortunately, they were a forecast of the rest of the relationship.
So . . . be careful. If it's one, and then things get back to good, you can brush it off. If it turns into a pattern, then it's probably time to let him go.
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Old 07-04-2006, 04:56 AM
Gilbenjamin2000 Gilbenjamin2000 is offline
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I was in that position for three years - in federal prison. While I cannot excuse a loved one taking out their frustrations on another, I do understand most of what causes people to be that way - on each end of the line. The key word is frustration and the prison experience, especially the helplessness one feels while incarcerated or loving someone incarcerated, is amplified dramatically. In the end, there is nothing you can do about the helplessness except to accept it and learn to live with it.
In your case, someone who is moody before incarceration will be usually be more moody once inside. This is going to be your choice in the end... If you are able to speak or visit with him over a period of time you will also see perhaps happy moments that are almost manic - also amplified. In other words, you are looking further into someone's soul than most people are allowed. If you do not like what you see, then you need to move away. If you can live with it, then you may be light years ahead of other people's relationships.
Being incarcerated is a horrible feeling that is most difficult to understand unless you have been there. Being in a relationship with someone incarcerated will quickly teach you part of that feeling but you'll never quite (thankfully) feel the depth of despair.
With all that said, if you love him, give him a chance to realize what I have just told you. Hopefully he will also realize what you are going through. You are on the free side of the fence but are also a prisoner of the system. That knowledge, for him, also takes a bit of time to learn.
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Old 07-04-2006, 05:36 AM
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My b/f hung up on me twice and the 1st time he did it, he called back the next day or so and I didn't pick up for over two weeks. I ended up writing him a letter like you got your nerve, all i'm trying to do is be there for you and this is how you show your appreciation and respect for me??? I was like there is NO perfect relationship and we are going to have a few disagreements here and there. I told him that when we are discussing something that needs to end with a peaceful resolution and you are hanging up, it just shows me that you just could care less and so quick to walk away, blah, blah, blah..lol. I just overloaded the letter with emotional truth.
The same day he read, the letter, he had his cousin bring me a dozen roses!!! It made me feel real special, like he actually understood what I was trying to tell him!!!

The 2nd time, he hung up cause I said something stupid out my mouth, but he called right back and was like sorry for hanging up and I apologized for being insensitive at the time. Ever since those two incidents occurred, we haven't had any issues with hanging up and getting mad at each other. We both know we are totally different people but we use our differences to make each other stronger.

Also his situation is and can be overloading his thought process. I would address all your issues or fears about the relationship with him and see what is in his mind. I wouldn't jump the gun so early. Besides, the good things in life are sometimes worth that initial struggle to get us in sync with each other.

Good Luck!
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  #8  
Old 07-04-2006, 06:16 AM
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Just my thoughts......

Even with yor loved one incarcarated you will still have disagreements and yes, even fight sometimes (although hopefully a limited amount - it's never healthy). Christopher and I have had disagreements and he did hang up on me before. But, I let him know that this was not acceptable. We can disagree, we can fight, but there is no hanging up on each other. I just didn't like the feeling of not knowing when I would talk to him to work through the issue. Since, we have worked through our disagreements before hanging up.

Good luck to you and remember that yes, you will have disagreements even while he's incarcarated - it's part of being in a relationship.
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  #9  
Old 07-04-2006, 06:30 AM
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It's so hard to get into a fight, especially over the phone and especially because we have so little control over the situation. You can't call him back. Adrian and I arque once in a while but only one "fight" and that went on for weeks.... But in a way its healthy to argue and establish boundries now. Like no hanging up on each other. Yes our loved ones need support but we aren't their whipping posts because they are in there. They have to realize it's just as hard on us out here.

He'll call.
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Old 07-04-2006, 06:57 AM
iwish iwish is offline
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AMEN GIRL!!!! And that's the truth!! This is Hard, but my man is so understanding when I get frustrated with him not being here. He knows this is my 1st time dealing wit this kind of situation so we definitly have mixed emotions on almost everything. Like he'll say this aint so bad?!?!? and i'll be like, ummmm, hell yeah it is!!! He just laughs at me cause he knows i'm still not over the initial shock of him not being around, but I'm trying to deal. But I really think of all the guys in the free world, why him??? Simply because I love him and he's worth it!!!!!
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  #11  
Old 07-04-2006, 07:20 AM
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When we have been in a "fight" we don't talk on the phone at all....it's all thru letters which sucks but it takes about 2 weeks to get finished with the "fight" then he will call and we'll be all sappy, say sorry and move on. Arguments in this situation really suck. The reason we keep off the phone at those times is because nothing can be fixed in 15 minutes and just using letters puts us on an even playing field because he has all the control over the phone. He has never hung up on me, ever in this whole time. I don't know how he would feel if he did. The BOP has hung up on us....but that's another thread.
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  #12  
Old 07-04-2006, 11:53 AM
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Im 6 months pregnant so my emotions and hormones are running high. Seem like a deadly combination, Patrick and I have argued the past two nights. I hate it but I belive that it's because I'm angry at him for putting us in this situation, again. Now that Im preganant it makes it even harder, I know he understands but thank god for PTO so I can Vent and relate to all of you who understand!!!!!!
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Old 07-04-2006, 12:51 PM
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So Far He Hasn't Hung Up On Me. When I Piss Him Off He Just Get's Really Quiet. When He Does That I Know He Is Biting His Tongue. From The Very Beginning Of Our Relationship I Have Always Stressed That I Hate Being Hung Up On, So He Hasn't Done That Yet. What He Will Do Is Go Back To His Cell And Write Me A Letter And Explain Why It Effected Him. I Find When He Does This That It Works Better For Us Cause I Wont Be On A Defense.
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Old 07-04-2006, 01:06 PM
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I have learned that that world on the inside is another world. I've "learned" that but I yet to "understand" that. I have hung up on him many times because of the things that come out of his mouth. And let's just be honest here, it mostly has to his paranoid mind thinking I am cheating, it's all those guys talk about it in there. How we can't be honest out here. It makes me pissed because here I am (like you others), paying for lawyers, dedicated our time to visits, and paying these high crazy prices for phones calls and I never want to be doubted on my dedication or faithfulnesss. Fighting is what he and I do even though I hate it. I want it to stop before he gets home in a month. The reason I hung up last..he said he will be more suspecious or worse when he gets home..frankly if that's the way it needs to be he can stay there because who wants to relive all this time they are away...I hate this because I do love him. I am faithful to our marriage. In letters I think they are different..at least mine is. On the phone he is a jerk in letters I could fall all over in love again. Oh well..when they are ready they"ll call back after they hang up. They have more time to think about the fight than we do.
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Old 07-11-2006, 11:34 PM
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This thread is right on time. My baby has been back in about 3 weeks and we had been communicating and things had been improving. Until tonight. He's still just in jail and in the process of probable cause hearings etc but he wanted me to call his Mother and ask if she would sign a property bond. She said no but asked me to lie and tell him I never spoke to her. Like a fool I said I wouldn't but I couldn't lie so I just told him exactly what I had to without elaborating too much on her "don't care" attitude. Well, he gets mad and wants me to 3 way her for him but she had already said she wouldn't answer so I told him there was no use so he said he had someone to do it for him and hung up on me. I'm really hurt because he has no one but me. Nobody to take calls, write to him or send money. NOBODY!! I don't feel like I should be punished because she behaved the way she always does. She has always caused problems and here we go again. Any advice?
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:51 AM
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We don't fight on the phone. If we did I would follow up the call with a letter. Hanging up is not really acceptible for us so whoever did it could expect some serious butt kicking in the follow up letter.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:07 AM
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WHAT KILLS ME ABOUT THE MEN THAT IS LOCK UP, IS THAT THEY HAVE A LOT OF NERVE TO HANG UP WHEN THEY ONLY HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO TALK. THEN MAY HAVE TO WAIT TO CALL BACK, ON TOP OF THAT WE MAY BE PAYING 4 THE PHONE CALLS. i SAY RESOLVE THE ISSUE BEORE THEY HANG UP OR WE HANG UP. why? BECAUSE EVERY DAY IS NOT PROMISE TO US...............................
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Old 07-12-2006, 12:13 PM
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I had one fight with my man on the phone. It took four hours of back to back calls(yeah it was a huge bill), but we don't stop talking until things are worked out. He's actually scared when I get angry that I wouldn't even bother to pick up the phone(because I don't get mad at him often),but we don't get down with the hanging up, no matter how angry we get. Its not an acceptable option.
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Old 07-12-2006, 05:54 PM
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Once she hangs up on him he'll realize your position. Sometimes they need to do things for themselves.
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Old 07-12-2006, 09:06 PM
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Tonights one of those nights 5 phone calls and nothing is resolved Im left crying and hes left to himself in all the misery of incarceration this really stinks and is really expensive Im on the $10.50 a call plan.
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