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  #1  
Old 06-19-2017, 01:14 PM
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Unhappy Has anyone else's Husband/Boyfriend thought they were being unfaithful?

I got off the phone with mine not too long ago, he's not very happy right now. My roommate and his brother ARE two people I've had relations with, over two years ago. The main roommate, whom is my friend, is married. My man and I are recently engaged and his brother is single. I see my friend more as a brother now, and just that -a friend. His mother and stepfather live in the home as well, and his mother's not too fond of me as is cause I slept with his brother, but she doesn't know I was with him too. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18, to my ex of six months. After that, i had a bit of a "sleeping around" phase, which died down when I turned 19. I'm about to be 21, and I've not been with anyone for the last six months except my fiance...I'm honest with him always, and I always tell him the truth...might I add the fact my friends room is right across from his mothers? Who if she heard anything would not only kick me out, but immediately tell his wife?

Has anyone else dealt with this? Does anyone have advice? Please no hateful rude comments, I'm really not in the mood.....thanks.
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Old 06-19-2017, 01:33 PM
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I think they all go through my that. Mine did in the beginning. Especially when I wouldn't bail him out. Never mind that he had a parole hold so I couldn't bail him out... What happens is that some of the guys in there start telling stories of how they were done wrong.
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Old 06-19-2017, 01:35 PM
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I think they all go through my that. Mine did in the beginning. Especially when I wouldn't bail him out. Never mind that he had a parole hold so I couldn't bail him out... What happens is that some of the guys in there start telling stories of how they were done wrong.
Maybe it's his Bipolar? My friends wife thinks he's cheating too, must be something in the air.
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Old 06-19-2017, 01:50 PM
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There's definitely something in the air. Hubby has a friend who lives in the same complex we do... He thinks his gf is cheating and she thinks he is.
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Old 06-19-2017, 01:56 PM
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Quite a few men who get locked up go through that phase of thinking that their wife or significant other is cheating. It also doesn't help that other inmates will feed your man that BS while they are locked up. No amount of words from you will change how he thinks. Actions speak louder than words. Just continue to support him the way you have been. Write to him, talk to him on the phone. When he sees you're not going anywhere, hopefully he'll get his mind right.
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Old 06-19-2017, 01:58 PM
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They get can get deep into their heads and become insecure every now and then especially since they are in there and what Mrs. B says is very true. My hub tells me that so many guys in there have been done wrong and that it's rare to find someone who will wait faithfully. I promise I am not being judgmental whatsoever so please do not take offense, but maybe since he knows you have had "relations" with them in the past he feels like it would be just as easy to do it again once again I do not say that to sound rude in any way at all, just a thought.
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Old 06-19-2017, 02:04 PM
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i'm not going anywhere, I mean I told him if he got sentenced to prison for like 15+ years i MIGHT LEAVE, but not cheat. My thing is, why cheat? Just leave. No one gets hurt, IMO, cheating hurts more than leaving... (well leaving hurts, but yall get what I mean I hope) and I guess it makes sense, they sit there and get into their heads....
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Old 06-19-2017, 02:50 PM
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i'm not going anywhere, I mean I told him if he got sentenced to prison for like 15+ years i MIGHT LEAVE, but not cheat. My thing is, why cheat? Just leave. No one gets hurt, IMO, cheating hurts more than leaving... (well leaving hurts, but yall get what I mean I hope) and I guess it makes sense, they sit there and get into their heads....
You also can't over think everything they do. You mentioned he had problems with ex wives being faithful when he was in the military... There ya go. It happened to him when he was married and serving our country... Why wouldn't it happen now... Then he has other guys yammering... Then he's spending too much time in his head.... He isn't home to know what you're doing... So... In comes the unhelpful thoughts. It's as simple... And complex as that. MrB expected me to leave or cheat on him... It is what it is.

Getting arrested is a slap to their self esteem. They don't understand why anyone would stay with them or stay faithful. It's not about what he thinks you actually may do... But what he thinks he deserves... That is from hubby...
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Old 06-19-2017, 02:56 PM
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Frankly, I'm often suspicious of 'gee, they are all being cheated on' thing. I strongly suspect that most of them were difficult or unpleasant people who, just as often, were cheating themselves, and can't imagine that anyone else would behave differently. And if they've had repeated episodes of somebody else cheating on them, my suspicions just go 'way, way up. Just because they say it doesn't mean it's factual.
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Old 06-19-2017, 03:07 PM
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Frankly, I'm often suspicious of 'gee, they are all being cheated on' thing. I strongly suspect that most of them were difficult or unpleasant people who, just as often, were cheating themselves, and can't imagine that anyone else would behave differently. And if they've had repeated episodes of somebody else cheating on them, my suspicions just go 'way, way up. Just because they say it doesn't mean it's factual.
That's true... Some men believe that if they don't know what you're doing, you're cheating...if you have a male friend, you're cheating... Some think you're cheating when they're cheating. Some have an altered perception of reality... Some are just paranoid... Some are just asshats that want to keep you stirred up all the time. Whatever the reason... You are not going to be able to change his perception right now.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:17 PM
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I'm writing him each day, I know he's frustrated that he's locked up, but I can't do much about it. I bought stamps, he's got two filled envelopes sitting in the mailbox for pick up tomorrow, and I've learned to not get my hopes up that he'll get out. People keep saying they'll bail him out and haven't, and ignore my calls/texts with stupid excuses. I'm really thinking of letting him sit while I get all of our stuff straightened out, i.e. apartment/place to live, etc the best I can. HE isn't happy about that.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:17 PM
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I already set up an order for the com. packs, once I get money I'll send it, but that won't be for another week.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:22 PM
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Don't put the cart before the horse. I would wait to find out what is going to happen with his case before doing anything. This is a waiting game.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:28 PM
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I've learned to not get my hopes up, really. I'm gonna keep writing him and send him com. pack when I get paid if he's still in. We est. a 3-5 mo. wait before he has a trial if he DOES sit. And I know the com. pack can get picked up if he's out beforehand. But there's no sense in me to stop writing if he's still in for now. Even if he got bailed out today its a 48 hr wait for release. They gotta "notify the victim" which I'm sure he'll be hard to find so...... and even if he didn't his com. package until after, a lot of what's on it he'd be happy to get even after getting out. I see none of it as useless.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:29 PM
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Our county is REALLY backed up on court cases right now, the more important ones, i.e. sex crimes and murder trials are first which makes sense. The more serious cases.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:49 PM
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Our county is REALLY backed up on court cases right now, the more important ones, i.e. sex crimes and murder trials are first which makes sense. The more serious cases.
Trials aren't scheduled by type of crime. They're put on the docket according to the readiness of the case. Some can be handled rather expediently by a public defender, some need to time to interview witnesses or gather information. In some cases attorney's want their client to sit in county for a while because (state specific) the credit toward their prison sentence can be helpful.

Aggravated assault is a serious crime. This is a very stripped down primer on the charge in Texas. I'm a little surprised they didn't tack on "with a deadly weapon". He's very lucky.

Perhaps instead of planning to buy him packages you could use that money to find a better living situation or prepare for employment. Those things will carry you, or the both of you, much farther than ramen and deodorant.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:55 PM
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Trials aren't scheduled by type of crime. They're put on the docket according to the readiness of the case. Some can be handled rather expediently by a public defender, some need to time to interview witnesses or gather information. In some cases attorney's want their client to sit in county for a while because (state specific) the credit toward their prison sentence can be helpful.

Aggravated assault is a serious crime. This is a very stripped down primer on the charge in Texas. I'm a little surprised they didn't tack on "with a deadly weapon". He's very lucky.

Perhaps instead of planning to buy him packages you could use that money to find a better living situation or prepare for employment. Those things will carry you, or the both of you, much farther than ramen and deodorant.
I've already read that, and I am preparing for finding a job and looking for a better place to live, I've stated that in other posts (not to sound snippy), but I can set aside some money to send him a com. package, cause even when he IS out even if he's bonded out, I'm gonna keep saving money while staying at my friends for a deposit, first month's rent and utilities if need be and at least half next month's rent. Cause they're not asking much from me here for rent, like 150/mo. not bad. I'm basically paying my share of utilities. I'm not complaining, but I do know I need to get a job and a better place for us, and he's NOT gonna like hearing that I'm doing that and not bonding him out.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:09 PM
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and he's NOT gonna like hearing that I'm doing that and not bonding him out.
And?

Someone would have to have pretty big cajones to tell me what to do with my very limited funds because they landed themselves in jail.

You're on SSI. Unless you were highly successful in your career before you went on it, you're not pulling in that much. He's fed, housed, clothed. He doesn't NEED anything. He wants. And by the sounds of it, he gets what he wants regardless of the cost to you. That's not love. That's not caring. That's selfish and manipulative. A good man who loves and protects will see that his partner is doing everything she can to be solid, even if that means he goes without. A mature man doesn't throw tantrums and accuse you of cheating. A man would tell you that he's going to figure this out because it isn't, on any front, your responsibility. You're very focused on the day he's out (bail is temporary, as people have pointed out). Do you have a plan if he is sentenced to years in prison?

I know you're committed to this relationship come hell or high water. You've said as much. That breaks my heart because the things you're learning to manage without the added hardship of someone making unrealistic demands on you are enough. I can only pray that at some point you're able to look back and see how much more you're worth.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:44 PM
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It's normal behavior. My husband knows I will never cheat but if I tell him that I talk to any man he will oh I see having conversations with other guys huh. Um yes I'm a cashier at one of my jobs I do talk to customers lmao. He knows better but gives me a hard time anyway lol. They have nothing more to do then to sit and think so it's normal.
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Old 06-19-2017, 06:48 PM
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And?

Someone would have to have pretty big cajones to tell me what to do with my very limited funds because they landed themselves in jail.

You're on SSI. Unless you were highly successful in your career before you went on it, you're not pulling in that much. He's fed, housed, clothed. He doesn't NEED anything. He wants. And by the sounds of it, he gets what he wants regardless of the cost to you. That's not love. That's not caring. That's selfish and manipulative. A good man who loves and protects will see that his partner is doing everything she can to be solid, even if that means he goes without. A mature man doesn't throw tantrums and accuse you of cheating. A man would tell you that he's going to figure this out because it isn't, on any front, your responsibility. You're very focused on the day he's out (bail is temporary, as people have pointed out). Do you have a plan if he is sentenced to years in prison?

I know you're committed to this relationship come hell or high water. You've said as much. That breaks my heart because the things you're learning to manage without the added hardship of someone making unrealistic demands on you are enough. I can only pray that at some point you're able to look back and see how much more you're worth.
Well IMO I think he thinks I'm cheating. He's not said those words. I've told him what's been going on here and he's like sweetie I love you with love comes trust. I trust you. I trust you're not doing anything.
And a big reason he wants out is to get back to working again. I usually keep the house and get my check. He's never made me work. He feels like me keeping house is enough. He's not really throwing a tantrum I should have explained better .... And I'm sorry. Maybe I'm getting in my own head? Idk. He just wants out cause he misses me. He agrees we should have a stable place to live but every time he calls its asking what's going on with getting him out. Its so annoying.😩😩
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Old 06-19-2017, 06:49 PM
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And?

Someone would have to have pretty big cajones to tell me what to do with my very limited funds because they landed themselves in jail.

You're on SSI. Unless you were highly successful in your career before you went on it, you're not pulling in that much. He's fed, housed, clothed. He doesn't NEED anything. He wants. And by the sounds of it, he gets what he wants regardless of the cost to you. That's not love. That's not caring. That's selfish and manipulative. A good man who loves and protects will see that his partner is doing everything she can to be solid, even if that means he goes without. A mature man doesn't throw tantrums and accuse you of cheating. A man would tell you that he's going to figure this out because it isn't, on any front, your responsibility. You're very focused on the day he's out (bail is temporary, as people have pointed out). Do you have a plan if he is sentenced to years in prison?

I know you're committed to this relationship come hell or high water. You've said as much. That breaks my heart because the things you're learning to manage without the added hardship of someone making unrealistic demands on you are enough. I can only pray that at some point you're able to look back and see how much more you're worth.
That and I'm doing what I can to help him. And he's sort of doing what he can with what he's got. He's the one who called the bail bondsman for quotes. Not me....
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Old 06-19-2017, 06:52 PM
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I don't know. I just feel helpless. And all I can do is live my life if he does go to prison. Feels weird making future plans without him honestly. And another reason I felt like he thought I was cheating is cause he wanted to get off the phone so soon. His realms for that were
I keep getting told someone will bail me out and no one has. (Bond technically but you get it.)
I miss you and I wanna save the rest of my minutes to call you (we used his calling card entirely though and agreed on snail mail since its cheaper IMO.) and he wanted to be able to hear my voice since its all that's keeping him sane apparently.
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Old 06-19-2017, 06:55 PM
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Well IMO I think he thinks I'm cheating. He's not said those words. I've told him what's been going on here and he's like sweetie I love you with love comes trust. I trust you. I trust you're not doing anything.
And a big reason he wants out is to get back to working again. I usually keep the house and get my check. He's never made me work. He feels like me keeping house is enough. He's not really throwing a tantrum I should have explained better .... And I'm sorry. Maybe I'm getting in my own head? Idk. He just wants out cause he misses me. He agrees we should have a stable place to live but every time he calls its asking what's going on with getting him out. Its so annoying.😩😩
How are you getting SSI if you are able to work? Isn't that for people that are unable to work due to a disability?
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Old 06-19-2017, 07:01 PM
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We check in on this subject frequently. I VERY early in our relationship dated other men, unknowing he had himself committed to ME. We are now a devout couple and welcome our 'check ins'. It's just that a check in, never gets ugly, out of hand or blaming. We are both adults and keep it in that level.

We check in frequently on all levels of our relationship. We feel it important to know/understand where the other is. Are each getting what the need to continue the relationship, are we connected, our goals etc.

Hang in there and stay sane. Don't let the situation corner you into making bad. Voices for ourself or the relationship

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Old 06-19-2017, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by OnlyInTexas View Post
We check in on this subject frequently. I VERY early in our relationship dated other men, unknowing he had himself committed to ME. We are now a devout couple and welcome our 'check ins'. It's just that a check in, never gets ugly, out of hand or blaming. We are both adults and keep it in that level.

We check in frequently on all levels of our relationship. We feel it important to know/understand where the other is. Are each getting what the need to continue the relationship, are we connected, our goals etc.
I'm confused by what you're saying a check in is
__________________
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home.

"I choose you, & I'll choose you,
over and over.
Without pause, & without doubt,
in a heartbeat I'll keep choosing you."
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