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Old 04-07-2019, 09:43 PM
Girl22472 Girl22472 is online now
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Default Are we having normal reactions?

A few months ago when I changed jobs my husband was resistant in changing his "bed time." When we argued about it he stated he thought it was best that we distanced ourselves from each other before he heads to prison. In his words it would make it "easier" for me when he eventually leaves. We argued... I won.

We have recently moved into a new house. We moved so to a place that is more affordable for my son and I to financially get by while my husband is gone. Today I was asking my husband's opinion on a cabinet I wanted to buy for the kitchen. He proceeded to tell me that his opinion did not matter, that this house is home to me and our son, not him, and that he has no right to have an opinion on anything because he will be leaving soon. To be fair, his third sentencing hearing is set for next month and we're planning on him being able to self surrender so there's still at least a few more months if sentencing goes through. He could get up to five years but we won't know until he sees the judge.

My response to him today may have been harsh, but I meant it... I pretty much told him that if he's going to act as if he's already gone, then he may as well turn himself in now.... and if he's going to attempt to make it to where I don't care when he goes, then why would I care when he comes back.

Part of me believes these reactions we are having are normal but there's another part that has me fearing that we'll not make it though this. His house arrest has already taken a toll on both of us and yet I think we both know this is nothing compared to the toll prison will bring. We have always had a very strong marriage and relationship and have worked through a lot of things, but days like today scare me!!
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Old 04-08-2019, 04:17 AM
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Your situation is being made more difficult because of the unknowns you are both facing, which is completely normal. Working through issues may also take some new tools. It will be up to him to decide that your lives are not over, but there are some huge issues that need to be overcome together.
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:06 AM
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I agree, he is just afraid that life is changing before his eyes & he is powerless to stop it. Doesn't matter that his actions brought him where he is. He's focused on the right now & what ifs of tomorrow. Be loving but firm, just like he was a child because that's how he is right now. There is no time for a pity party & it serves no purpose. Tell him you include him so he can visualize where you & your son are & your life that he will read about in letters & hear in your calls. If he can't handle it then go ahead on your own decisions. You'll be doing that while he's gone so this can help transition you. Sounds like you are smart in what you're doing about getting an affordable place now instead of last minute when stress is worse. Good luck!
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Old 04-08-2019, 08:09 AM
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He is shutting down. He is distancing himself and protecting himself, which isolates you.

Talk to him. You're still a team, but it will look different. Discuss when he is away how you will still work together, esp on big issues. Immediate stuff you have to handle, but bigger things you can do together.

It will help him still feel involved. Your life is going on while his will be at a stand still. Lots of emotions for both of you
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Old 04-08-2019, 09:26 AM
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**and if he's going to attempt to make it to where I don't care when he goes, then why would I care when he comes back. ***


Great response.
I think most do this type of thing. We didnt have the luxury of waiting together after he was arrested. He was in county jail til after he plead and after sentencing he went to state prison. He left for work one day, and didnt come back for a very long time.
There was no *getting used to it*
That said, I think it could be even harder to *pull the bandaid off slowly*
You just dont get *used to it* Its an adjustment for everyone.


It may be too much for him to try to decide what cabinet, or where to live, what car to drive....what to have for dinner tonight, right now.
Right now he has no idea what he's facing in terms of time inside. How it will be, what it will look like once released.


Breathe deep. Take it one day at a time. One hour, if need be.

Just try not to turn on eachother as you are both under alot of stress.


Hang in there.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fbopnomore View Post
Your situation is being made more difficult because of the unknowns you are both facing, which is completely normal. Working through issues may also take some new tools. It will be up to him to decide that your lives are not over, but there are some huge issues that need to be overcome together.
Yes, this unknown time has been horrible. We even mentioned to the PO last week that when he was arrested I remembered wondering how I would come up with bail money and was then relieved that there was no money and it was house arrest, as was he. After a year on house arrest I would have gladly come up with the money for bail especially considering none of this year officially counts towards anything. House hunting was a burden too. Not only could he not go looking but without knowing his sentence or what his restrictions may end up being we had to be a little more careful.

Although he doesn't admit it I'm sure the fact I didn't put him on the lease bothered him. To be fair it bothered me too but I just couldn't risk me not having a place to live based on his issues when he's not likely going to be here long.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:17 AM
Girl22472 Girl22472 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GaReform View Post
I agree, he is just afraid that life is changing before his eyes & he is powerless to stop it. Doesn't matter that his actions brought him where he is. He's focused on the right now & what ifs of tomorrow. Be loving but firm, just like he was a child because that's how he is right now. There is no time for a pity party & it serves no purpose. Tell him you include him so he can visualize where you & your son are & your life that he will read about in letters & hear in your calls. If he can't handle it then go ahead on your own decisions. You'll be doing that while he's gone so this can help transition you. Sounds like you are smart in what you're doing about getting an affordable place now instead of last minute when stress is worse. Good luck!
I SO totally hear you on the pity party thing!! I don't have time for him to have one, let alone me have one...lol. I like the idea though of letting him know and visualize so when we talk about it through letters, calls and visits he has a picture.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:21 AM
Girl22472 Girl22472 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
He is shutting down. He is distancing himself and protecting himself, which isolates you.

Talk to him. You're still a team, but it will look different. Discuss when he is away how you will still work together, esp on big issues. Immediate stuff you have to handle, but bigger things you can do together.

It will help him still feel involved. Your life is going on while his will be at a stand still. Lots of emotions for both of you
Not only does it isolate me, it leaves me doing everything now when technically I don't have to and I have to be fair in saying I resent that. We have talked about how we will do things and how some things will change around here... little things. For example we have two separate blankets on the bed and I'll take his off and just have mine across the whole thing. He hates pillow shams...lol. I like them... they are going back on. He thinks headboards and coffee tables are useless.... I will buy and/or build those!
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
**and if he's going to attempt to make it to where I don't care when he goes, then why would I care when he comes back. ***


Great response.
I think most do this type of thing. We didnt have the luxury of waiting together after he was arrested. He was in county jail til after he plead and after sentencing he went to state prison. He left for work one day, and didnt come back for a very long time.
There was no *getting used to it*
That said, I think it could be even harder to *pull the bandaid off slowly*
You just dont get *used to it* Its an adjustment for everyone.


It may be too much for him to try to decide what cabinet, or where to live, what car to drive....what to have for dinner tonight, right now.
Right now he has no idea what he's facing in terms of time inside. How it will be, what it will look like once released.


Breathe deep. Take it one day at a time. One hour, if need be.

Just try not to turn on eachother as you are both under alot of stress.


Hang in there.
Some days I wish we didn't have all of this time... but then again I didn't work and his disability would have gone away, not to mention our rent payment was outrageous. The delay even helped. We made the last big rent payment this month and we've gotten moved. On the flip side at this point he would have already served a year had he stayed inside!

We had another discussion late last night. While I remained firm I also didn't come off as harsh as I had earlier, or I hope so. I pretty much told him again what I said earlier and that if he's going to crawl into a hole and do little or nothing he becomes dead weight to me. I explained that for our family to successfully endure this I NEED to miss him while he is gone. Do I want to feel devastated and upset all the time? Absolutely not and I know it won't be easy but for our sake I need to.
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Old 04-09-2019, 11:12 AM
Kimimi Kimimi is offline
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Has he done time before? Personally I think this is the time to be together and support each other. You can’t oreoare to be less hurt by this it’s gonna be painful. If you are united as he goes in I would think it would be easier. He also should be wanting to set his family up now and helping make decisions because he is going to be gone for awhile. Best of luck it’s not easy in any situation.
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Old 04-09-2019, 03:11 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
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He may be trying to distance himself from everyone and everything he loves to make transition to captivity a bit less traumatic.
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