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Old 03-17-2018, 06:07 PM
cheetodoritocat cheetodoritocat is offline
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Default HWH Experience Update - Some good, some bad

I just wanted to give a quick update on how things are going for my LO at the HWH where he is. It seems like hes been there for a year when Im reality it has only been a few weeks.

He has already found a job and will be starting this coming week. Very proud of him for that. He will be working overnight, 4 on/4 off. It pays pretty well regardless of the fact hes a felon. Anyone would be happy with the wage hes making. It will be hard work, but hes happy because it will keep him occupied and out of trouble. Once he has received two paychecks, hes eligible for HC. Due to bed space, the likelihood is theyll send him right away. Once he is working, he will also receive 10 hour day passes where he doesnt have to go check in every 2 hours. Hes waiting on the BOP to approve his purchase of a car so he can actually get to the job. Hell be working 6p-6a so transportation will be important.

The not so good part is about him and his attitude about a few things in general. Ive been cutting him a pretty wide path with his little mini temper tantrums chalking it up to stress and having so much happen at one shot. But some things are just maddening. Ive helped him by buying clothes, buying tracfone minutes for his phone and things like that. I told him Id help him with the down payment on a car. What Im upset about is the way he finagled this deal. Im sitting home one day and get a call from some random woman at a car dealership saying she had been given my number by my LO to call about paying the down payment. I said WHOA, say what?? He had agreed to buy a car without consulting me at all in terms of how much I was willing to put down. The woman said hed need $2,000 for this particular car. I said look LO, I had to buy a car unexpectedly a couple of months ago and I am not willing and/or able to do that. You need to get your expectations in line with what I will do. You cant afford a $10,000 car. Get real. Add on top of that hes now all pissy that his insurance is going to be close to $200/month. And apparently hes expecting me to pay the first month of that too.

I have seen him a couple of times with no plans to go back. I live almost 400 miles away, and I havent been asked to go back. Just asked to shell out big money. His mother goes to see him and take him to lunch every weekend. I feel some type of way about being asked to buy minutes at $40 a clip twice a week and then being asked to buy a larger package of them when hes using them to talk to his family, his daughter and whatever friends he has left. Im not responsible for their conversations with him. They have shelled out far less, and quite frankly, the money spigot is being turned off. Im getting the feeling of being used, whether intentional or not. The cessation of supply will determine if I am or not. He has joined a gym, gone tanning every week, etc. Things I dont even do for myself.

So I say all of that just to say that Im feeling rather salty about a few behaviors. I wish him well, but Im also not going to be guilted or bullied into buying and paying for things that are being sprung on me. If he asked his mother for $2,000, shed laugh in his face. I let some things go in the beginning just because I felt like maybe it was lashing out due to stress. Now I feel like hes just a big baby. I told him tonight hed better get his finances together and figure out a budget. His response was, Just f-k it all. I dont f-cking care anymore. No problem; you wont get any additional help from me with that shitty attitude.
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Old 03-17-2018, 10:52 PM
Kimimi Kimimi is offline
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No disrespect but he is too expensive!
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Old 03-17-2018, 11:12 PM
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PinkMarshmallow PinkMarshmallow is offline
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Its time to pull the plug and stop financing this man. He is clearly unappreciative of your help and has a sense of self entitlement. You are being used, keep it moving because you deserve so much better.
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Old 03-17-2018, 11:51 PM
rockchalk1 rockchalk1 is offline
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Wow, so sorry you have to deal with that. It's not fair to you to be put in that position. Why isn't he asking the mother to help with the down payment of the car? If you're having to put the down payment down, who's name is going on the financing of the car? Next you know, it'll be you and then if he doesn't pay or get into trouble, they'll come after you for the money and he'll give you a hard time about that too.

It's great that he is getting on his feet and went and got a good job, but it is not your job to bank roll him and be his safety net. Do not let him guilt you into giving you the money. $2k plus car insurance and god knows what else, is a hefty toll for anyone. If he just needs a car to/from work, then he should buy a cheaper beater, which would also mean cheaper car insurance, but more importantly, he shouldn't be buying a car until he is really on his feet and has the $2k saved up for a down payment. Does he realize that in addition to car insurance of $200/month, he will have to be making hundreds of dollars a month of car payments, gas, and maintenance? You sound like you've been very generous already, let someone else pick up the buck and he should realize how lucky he has been and appreciate what you've done, but do not cave in. If you do now, he will keep coming back for more and like a kid, never learn how to be fiscally responsible.

Also, why the hell should you be buying phone minutes for him to be calling his family all the time? Let them pay for the minutes next time he runs out. $80 a week for minutes on the phone to talk to everyone and their brother is ridiculous! Not to be rude, but joining a gym and going tanning are not needs, but wants and extravagances that someone who just got out of prison should not be wasting money on. So, perhaps, instead of paying money for that bs, he should use it towards paying for his own minutes or his car insurance, and perhaps when he proves to you he can be fiscally responsible, then maybe you would be more willing to help him with the car insurance, buy what a joke that he pisses money away like that and then expects you to pay the car insurance and down payment. That is going to be the beginning of many money troubles for you if you don't get a hand on it now. Also, the fact that he isn't inviting you to spend time with him is also just wrong.

Hold firm and don't feel bad about it. He's the one that got himself in trouble and he will get himself out of trouble if he wants it bad enough. You seem to have identified rather quickly that you don't want to enable him, which is smart! You'll figure it out fast, and hopefully it will all work out. Just hang in there. I am sure it is not easy!!
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cheetodoritocat (03-18-2018)
Old 03-18-2018, 12:04 AM
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What a crappy attitude from him. It sounds like the time to set some firm financial boundaries with him. He may even start to give a f--k about money when he finds out that his free ride is over.
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Old 03-18-2018, 07:48 AM
cheetodoritocat cheetodoritocat is offline
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I am really disappointed by the turn of events with him, even if I am not totally shocked. He has not yet learned the world is not just handed to you on a silver platter. Maybe in his world it is, but it is not in mine.

He is going to learn a very hard lesson quickly that he is not owed anything, be it a car, a place to live or a job. I had been looking for jobs in his general area, but have ceased that search. His attitude I feel is a precursor to worse things. I don’t want to be with someone with a sense of entitlement that runs that deep.

I don’t know how he is paying for the gym. I haven’t given him money for that. Anything I’ve done (clothes, etc) has been me buying the items and dropping them off. I haven’t freely given him cash. Never will.

If he were to make these same demands of his mother, she’d cut him off. She would never shell out money for a car, etc which is why he’s coming to me. I’m not in the habit of being used and I’m not starting now this late in the game.

Hopefully he will get a much deserved reality check soon.
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:15 AM
xolady xolady is offline
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Well I can tell you from experience it only gets worse if you allow it. the first time my husband got out I had thousands saved for us to get a place and so we would have a cushion well that lasted oh two weeks!!! I had paid a corporate hotel for 6 months so we'd have a place to live and it was right off interstates so he could easily get places. Well that back fired he could get places easily. Phone was in my name unlimited as track phone he was going thru about $100. a week. Lets just say I learned the hard way. never again. He hooked up with old friends and was back into his old habbits with in two weeks. So he ruined all I worked so hard for and when he got in trouble again I was basically on the hook for all his debts. So be smarter then me don't do what I did.
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