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  #1  
Old 03-01-2018, 02:05 PM
confusedinaz confusedinaz is offline
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Default Remind me...Should I believe he has changed?

My husband David is getting out next week. I have torn emotions about this. His most recent letter reminded me that he has changed and put in the necessary work to control his way of thinking and reacting. He has attended AA, MRT, DV and family relation classes and acted as a mentor and counselors aid bc he did so well in all his classes. He reminded me that he has never gotten into trouble in all these years, passed all his drug tests and now he understands how to treat a woman, listen to her, empathize with her, not hurt her or disrespect her. He has been to church services every week for the past few years and has a close relationship with God. He reminded me that he is more patient and gentle and that he did this for us. He reminded me that he will never hurt me again. He reminded me that this was all his fault and how immensely sorry he is for ever putting me thru that. He reminded me that he is taking over the family business once out and he wants me by his side and how happy we are going to be for the rest of our lives.

Please remind me that the chances of real change are slim to none. Please remind me that the damage that was done will take a lifetime to repair. Please remind me this is just prison talk or please share your stories where your man promised real change and got out only to revert back to his original self. Please remind me that I am just having a moment of weakness.

This man is extremely brilliant. Not the kind of man you would suspect of doing this or being in prison. I'm not sure if his genius provided a way for him to fool everyone and the system that he is reformed now or that he is just intelligent enough to say "This is it, Ive got to change my ways"

This is hard because I stood by him for almost 4 years and we planned and planned for his release date. About 6 months ago the light bulb went off for me and I put on the brakes. Now I am having mixed emotions and I dont like it! My mind is now hitting the "what if...." stage. I just need a dose of reality.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:12 PM
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Should you believe he has changed? ( I amended your title so other members can search)
Only if you absolutely really belive it and you have undisputable proof, if not then no dont believe.
The responsibility lies with him to prove to you that he has changed and he can be a better man. He needs to evidence that to you every day. Saying you have changed and actually doing it are two separate things.

You sound tired and cynical so dont rush into anything take your time and protect yourself let him earn his place back with you if thats what you want.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by confusedinaz View Post
My husband David is getting out next week. I have torn emotions about this. His most recent letter reminded me that he has changed and put in the necessary work to control his way of thinking and reacting. He has attended AA, MRT, DV and family relation classes and acted as a mentor and counselors aid bc he did so well in all his classes. He reminded me that he has never gotten into trouble in all these years, passed all his drug tests and now he understands how to treat a woman, listen to her, empathize with her, not hurt her or disrespect her. He has been to church services every week for the past few years and has a close relationship with God. He reminded me that he is more patient and gentle and that he did this for us. He reminded me that he will never hurt me again. He reminded me that this was all his fault and how immensely sorry he is for ever putting me thru that. He reminded me that he is taking over the family business once out and he wants me by his side and how happy we are going to be for the rest of our lives.
Brilliance is as brilliance does. Have you seen him lie like a rug to get himself out of problems before? Are you aware how long the average prison 'close relationship with God' tends to last after they walk out the gate, or that you can be abused in the name of religion? He can recite all the words, letter-perfect, but have you actually seen him over a year of freedom forego violence or coercion. Of course you haven't - he's not free.
Have you seen him fool therapists? I watched that one up close and was astonished that the shrink couldn't catch it.

How are your kids dealing with the possibility? They're a good barometer of the impact he's already had, and you need to weigh the 'Daddy's home' glee of the family being back together and the fear. The kids may feel both at the same time, and you need to allow them all their emotions, without reference to your husband's feelings.

If it were me, my advice would be to go through with the divorce, require supervised visitation so he can't coerce or bribe the kids, and keep up with the newer relationship. See how he reacts to all of those things. Don't let him back into the house even for a minute....very dangerous.

He 'reminded you' of his gentleness and his changes? Really? And he's taking over the family business? His family or yours? The fact is that he can't remind you of anything you haven't experienced directly. I would be incredibly leery of every word out of his mouth, since you know exactly how big a bastard and liar he was when you were within reach.

I especially love the fact that he's been through all the classes and even been an assistant. You realize, right, that those classes are BS, and unless he's gone throughout least 2 years of one-on-one therapy, he's only changed his shell, not his core.

Don't trust - verify! Do it by keeping him at arm's length for at least one year, one in which you can have full access to his therapist for discussions about his 'progress. He's learned the code words, but that only makes him slipperier. Make sure it's a DV specialist for the therapy, too, not your average therapist.

I could go on, but you get the basics here.
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Old 03-01-2018, 04:11 PM
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He must prove it.
In jail, everyone "finds God" so to speak
Now he needs to walk the walk!
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:01 PM
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His actions will hold the answer to whether he is "reformed" or not. I think your question is more about if you should give him another chance or not. You have to decide that for yourself, but definitely don't dismiss what you have already endured from him in the past. Some things are forgivable, but some were so traumatic that they can't be, ever.
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Old 03-02-2018, 12:15 AM
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Just trying to feel you from afar (I've never been in a DV situation) I would give him a fair chance but I'd probably would set limits as to what you'll allow and what you'd do if it happens again. Because only what you allow will continue.
Seems a little to me like you've moved on and away from him but maybe fear is standing in your way as well - which I totally understand.
But... you've stood by him for the past years while he obviously has tried to better himself so only you can decide if he should live with you again or not. You have to feel safe, healthy and happy. Maybe he can prove to you how good he really became even with living elsewhere...?
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Old 03-02-2018, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Just trying to feel you from afar (I've never been in a DV situation) I would give him a fair chance but I'd probably would set limits as to what you'll allow and what you'd do if it happens again. Because only what you allow will continue.
Seems a little to me like you've moved on and away from him but maybe fear is standing in your way as well - which I totally understand.
But... you've stood by him for the past years while he obviously has tried to better himself so only you can decide if he should live with you again or not. You have to feel safe, healthy and happy. Maybe he can prove to you how good he really became even with living elsewhere...?
The problem with giving these guys another chance is they are SO slick and SO manipulative and SO good at saying the right thing that the most righteous of ďlimitsĒ isnít going to save you. DV victims are notorious for moving the goalposts. Most probably arenít even aware that theyíve done it.

He needs to prove himself FIRST... without a close personal relationship with his victim. Itís just not safe any other way.
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:37 PM
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So, he's violating a no contact order in order to con you into letting him "come home"?

Just a reminder - that no contact will be in force. Another no contact will be in force during his parole. He will not be allowed to live with you without lying again to authorities and telling them you don't live there. This is not the foundation for anything good.

If he had truly changed, he'd insist on you getting intensive DV therapy. He'd insist on staying apart during his parole and until his therapist and your therapist thought it was a good idea AND the court no contact orders were changed to allow contact. Contact would begin gradually - a letter, then phone calls, then couples therapy, then time together unstructured. Only then could he even conceive of possibly living with you.

But, that's not happening. It's all me, me, me, I've changed, I've changed, I've changed. Don't trust what you personally think or feel, trust all this stuff I've done in prison. He didn't do it for you, btw, he did it to get out as quickly as he could. Don't let him get into your head like that. Get into serious DV therapy and report his contacts with you. Start keeping a ledger, and go from there. If he's violating a court order, his parole may be revoked, and that would be a good thing - he has to play by the rules; he cannot play the rules
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:34 PM
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Speaking for myself, I would not buy what he seems to be trying to sell you; he wants to get out of prison. And I’d be very afraid if he is about to be released. An abuser’s violent tendencies are part of what they are, like their natural hair color. When he wakes up tomorrow his hair color is going to be the same as it was yesterday, and the day before that. You can dye your hair but you can never change the color it grows out of your head as. I see the reminding as ‘pushing.’ He’s pushing you to say you’ll let him come home. It’s a control tactic which is part of his violent personality. He wants you to see his ‘new, dyed hair.’ You need to remember what his ‘natural color’ is, and always has been.

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Old 03-04-2018, 11:13 PM
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It's normal to be apprehensive about his being released and becoming a part of the real world again. Pray that God shows you any signs that he's not as he seems to be. Pray that he really has reformed. Maybe even express your concerns to him and see how he responds.
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Old 03-05-2018, 03:47 PM
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it's normal to be apprehensive about his being released and becoming a part of the real world again. Pray that god shows you any signs that he's not as he seems to be. Pray that he really has reformed. Maybe even express your concerns to him and see how he responds.
there's a no-ontact order!!!
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Old 03-05-2018, 04:51 PM
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Going to meetings and church and passing drug tests does not mean he’s changed. Do you know how many men beat their wives on Saturday and sit in the church pews on Sunday morning?

Let’s get real...it doesn’t even mean he’s learned to follow the rules. You can use drugs and pass a drug test. You can do all kinds of shady things in prison and never get caught. AND, you can choose to walk a straight line while in prison simply for the sake of wanting to get out to go back to doing whatever the hell you want. I give very little credit to prison behavior.

Yeah, people can work on themselves in prison. I’m not saying it isn’t possible. But the REAL work and tests come on the outside. I’m sure he has no desire to hurt you right now because you’re separated. You’re a prize to be won back. You’re not in the heat of an argument. He hasn’t had a few too many drinks. I’m sure he sounds genuine while separated by bars and reality.

But because you’re not living in reality together, he hasn’t proven a damn thing to you except his reckless disregard for leaving his victim ALONE.
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:09 AM
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Don't believe the hype.. men will say anything to play on your weak side.
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:10 AM
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Going to meetings and church and passing drug tests does not mean heís changed. Do you know how many men beat their wives on Saturday and sit in the church pews on Sunday morning?

Letís get real...it doesnít even mean heís learned to follow the rules. You can use drugs and pass a drug test. You can do all kinds of shady things in prison and never get caught. AND, you can choose to walk a straight line while in prison simply for the sake of wanting to get out to go back to doing whatever the hell you want. I give very little credit to prison behavior.

Yeah, people can work on themselves in prison. Iím not saying it isnít possible. But the REAL work and tests come on the outside. Iím sure he has no desire to hurt you right now because youíre separated. Youíre a prize to be won back. Youíre not in the heat of an argument. He hasnít had a few too many drinks. Iím sure he sounds genuine while separated by bars and reality.

But because youíre not living in reality together, he hasnít proven a damn thing to you except his reckless disregard for leaving his victim ALONE.
So true!!!
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Old 03-13-2018, 11:11 PM
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What others said - he needs to prove his worth to you, and you need to take things slow so that you don't get hurt in the process of trying to figure out whether he really has changed. Good luck!
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Old 03-14-2018, 07:19 AM
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There is a reason that "light bulb" went on in your head. There is a reason you're second guessing yourself. I (personally) will never agree with a woman going back to a man who has laid his hands on her in a violent manner and vice versa. I grew up watching my mom date men who were highly abusive and controlling. At the age of 13 I was dating an abuser myself. If anyone understands the hurt and the pain, it's me. I feel as if you're setting yourself up for failure, I feel he is talking out of his ass to get what he wants. In a situation as serious as this, you cannot go based off of words. If you're serious about salvaging your relationship you need to see what he is like on the outside first. As in: Him living elsewhere while he gets back on his feet, continuing therapy, making a real effort in the REAL world. It's so easy to claim you're a changed man on the inside but these violent tendencies don't just go away.
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Old 03-14-2018, 05:06 PM
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There is a reason that "light bulb" went on in your head. There is a reason you're second guessing yourself. I (personally) will never agree with a woman going back to a man who has laid his hands on her in a violent manner and vice versa. I grew up watching my mom date men who were highly abusive and controlling. At the age of 13 I was dating an abuser myself. If anyone understands the hurt and the pain, it's me. I feel as if you're setting yourself up for failure, I feel he is talking out of his ass to get what he wants. In a situation as serious as this, you cannot go based off of words. If you're serious about salvaging your relationship you need to see what he is like on the outside first. As in: Him living elsewhere while he gets back on his feet, continuing therapy, making a real effort in the REAL world. It's so easy to claim you're a changed man on the inside but these violent tendencies don't just go away.
So if you were in her shoes, you wouldn't even give him that chance to "get back on his feet" and prove himself, right?
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