Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > LOVING A... > Loving a Lifer
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #26  
Old 07-25-2017, 06:58 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
yes, life happens. Life happened to me Sept. 23, 2015, when I had a motorcycle accident. I'm still not back to work. It would have been nice if I had a friend or a family member who was able to help out just a bit since then. Just one. I didn't. But I'm very self reliant. Even then, there's no way I could have handled a baby. I was in the ICU for 6 days and the hospital for 5 weeks. What would I have done?

Then again, I wouldn't have been riding. Amotorcycle if I had a kid under 16 at home. I'd consider this irresponsible.

I've had a will since I was 18. I've had life insurance since I was an infant and have maintained it all along. My ability to change jobs has depended on the minors in my house, as has the location of my house (good school districts make a world of difference).

Life happens. If you have a child dependent on you, you must plan for it, budget for it, and expect it. You need to minimize the damage, and maximize the bounty. You need to plan ahead for known issues like talking to your kid about daddy being in prison for life.

I do not go into court unprepared. I have every possible question written out, the possible objections, and the case law responses. As a result, there's very little in a trial or motion hearing that I can't handle. There are always surprises, but that's the interesting stuff, and I'm usually so familiar with the case that I can handle it and adapt should the issues not go my way.

I guess I could have a "life will happen" attitude and just go in cold, but I doubt that would result in a zealous defense that I could be proud of.

Lots of questions? Sure. But answer them or know they remain a problem or unanswered before you get there.

And above all, know why you're having the child.
That is rough, and i know you will recover quickly. But you cant plan your health around a child. I am sorry and sad that you did not have one person to help you. But we cant predict anything.
And that stuff that "could " happen is not a reason not to have a child with someome you love. .
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #27  
Old 07-25-2017, 07:04 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is offline
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 7,967
Thanks: 10,232
Thanked 13,317 Times in 5,163 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
Wow. You woman are very sneaky and can be very cruel and judgmental. I am not pointing fingers but it is really disappointing that we can not have a decent discussion of our opinions without poking people in the stomach.. i would love a show of hands of the woman whom are perfect.
Hun, I'm not sneaky. It's all right here for everyone to read. I happen to be active in the thread she posted the sentencing change about and it sparked questions for me. An inmate serving LWOP vs a "to Life" sentence has very different opportunities. How is it cruel to want to consider that in making this decision?

Last edited by miamac; 07-25-2017 at 07:10 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
choclgs (07-27-2017), yourself (07-26-2017)
  #28  
Old 07-25-2017, 07:08 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
Hun, I'm not sneaky. It's all right here for everyone to read. I happen to be active in the thread she posted the sentencing change about and it sparked questions for me. An inmate serving LWOP vs a "to Life" sentence has very different opportunities. How is it cruel to want to consider that in making this decision?
It is all about the presentation. And it was presented in a passive aggressive way..
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-25-2017, 07:14 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is offline
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 7,967
Thanks: 10,232
Thanked 13,317 Times in 5,163 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
It is all about the presentation. And it was presented in a passive aggressive way..
It was in no way passive-aggressive.

I stated plainly that her other posts raised questions. I asked those questions. I do think that the stability of one's relationship is a factor in planning for a child.

Let's not bicker over it, you're welcome to pass my posts by if they don't feel right for you.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
Bryanna814 (07-25-2017), DanielsWyf (07-26-2017), yourself (07-26-2017)
  #30  
Old 07-25-2017, 07:14 PM
patchouli's Avatar
patchouli patchouli is online now
PTO Administrator

PTOQ Editorial Team Member Staff Superstar Two Time Winner Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 36,507
Thanks: 36,249
Thanked 28,979 Times in 13,509 Posts
Default

Things that do not pertain to the OP's questions are best discussed in private message so as to not derail the entire thread
__________________
September 2017 PTOQ is Now Available!
Print & Share
Click Here
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to patchouli For This Useful Post:
miamac (07-25-2017)
  #31  
Old 07-25-2017, 07:14 PM
Sean'sGirl82's Avatar
Sean'sGirl82 Sean'sGirl82 is offline
Now Wife ❤️
 

Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: California
Posts: 822
Thanks: 751
Thanked 713 Times in 378 Posts
Default

There are women who decide that they want to have a baby and are single and successful and go to the sperm bank. The situation is not ideal but it works for that woman. Everyone has a different set up. Families don't all look the same. Single parents adopt, gay couples adopt the list goes on. Some women have babies by men in the military and the fathers are gone most of the time. My first husband is a loser and pays child support but never comes around to see his child. Do you know who my Children absolutely love and adore and talk to on a regular basis? My new Husband and not the bio father of my children but they look at him like he is and he feels the same about them. They talk to him on the phone daily and are excited to go see him and play games together. He isn't doing life but I could see this working out for us long term if that was what the situation was. Some kids lose their parents in different ways at least if you have a baby by your husband doing life he can still be in that child's life just not 24/7 like you would want of course. That is just my two cents.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sean'sGirl82 For This Useful Post:
Bryanna814 (07-25-2017), Fridyrr.Likn (07-26-2017), TreeGrl72 (07-25-2017)
  #32  
Old 07-25-2017, 09:22 PM
4EverYoung1 4EverYoung1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Los Angeles County
Posts: 296
Thanks: 10
Thanked 17 Times in 10 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sean'sGirl82 View Post
There are women who decide that they want to have a baby and are single and successful and go to the sperm bank. The situation is not ideal but it works for that woman. Everyone has a different set up. Families don't all look the same. Single parents adopt, gay couples adopt the list goes on. Some women have babies by men in the military and the fathers are gone most of the time. My first husband is a loser and pays child support but never comes around to see his child. Do you know who my Children absolutely love and adore and talk to on a regular basis? My new Husband and not the bio father of my children but they look at him like he is and he feels the same about them. They talk to him on the phone daily and are excited to go see him and play games together. He isn't doing life but I could see this working out for us long term if that was what the situation was. Some kids lose their parents in different ways at least if you have a baby by your husband doing life he can still be in that child's life just not 24/7 like you would want of course. That is just my two cents.
Thank you, and you are correct
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to 4EverYoung1 For This Useful Post:
Bryanna814 (07-26-2017), Sean'sGirl82 (07-25-2017)
  #33  
Old 07-25-2017, 11:01 PM
TreeGrl72 TreeGrl72 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: California
Posts: 21
Thanks: 4
Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4EverYoung1 View Post
It was fall of 2003 my hubby came into my life MWI amazing person in 2005 I found out he was a lifer I was shocked n sad in 2011 we got married he always kept saying lifers would get their FV back but I laugh n went along 2017 I've purchase my food package n waiting for a date. I told my husband that I wanted a child with him n he agreed to do his best lol. I'm well off financially so that's not a problem but in telling my mother she made me questioned my decision being that she's my mother. Have any of you ladies have or consider doing the same? Or am I crazy for thinking it?
Thank you for posting this! I appreciate your courage in putting your question out there, as I know there can be a lot of controversy (as evidenced by people's reactions)! All I can say is that I'm in love with a lifer too and I know what it feels like to want to have a child with the love of your life. Until people have had this experience...to be deeply in love with someone who most likely will never leave prison, but with whom you want nothing more than to share every normal life experience (including having a child), because you know how amazing they are, there can be no comment or judgment. I understand what you're going through and my lifer and I have said that we will have a ton of discussions about all the factors before we consider it. I just know that children are born out of a variety of crazy circumstances, but I have to believe that if they are born of love and with both parents' eyes open and a goal to manage the inevitable pitfalls as best they can, then it can be done. All my best to you and your loved one! At the end of the day, you two know what's best for your lives!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TreeGrl72 For This Useful Post:
Bryanna814 (07-26-2017)
  #34  
Old 07-26-2017, 07:42 AM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TreeGrl72 View Post
Thank you for posting this! I appreciate your courage in putting your question out there, as I know there can be a lot of controversy (as evidenced by people's reactions)! All I can say is that I'm in love with a lifer too and I know what it feels like to want to have a child with the love of your life. Until people have had this experience...to be deeply in love with someone who most likely will never leave prison, but with whom you want nothing more than to share every normal life experience (including having a child), because you know how amazing they are, there can be no comment or judgment. I understand what you're going through and my lifer and I have said that we will have a ton of discussions about all the factors before we consider it. I just know that children are born out of a variety of crazy circumstances, but I have to believe that if they are born of love and with both parents' eyes open and a goal to manage the inevitable pitfalls as best they can, then it can be done. All my best to you and your loved one! At the end of the day, you two know what's best for your lives!
Absolutely. I am also in love with a lifer, and your words are perfect.
Thank you
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 07-26-2017, 09:43 AM
jsanner jsanner is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 273
Thanks: 0
Thanked 165 Times in 91 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4EverYoung1 View Post
It was fall of 2003 my hubby came into my life MWI amazing person in 2005 I found out he was a lifer I was shocked n sad in 2011 we got married he always kept saying lifers would get their FV back but I laugh n went along 2017 I've purchase my food package n waiting for a date. I told my husband that I wanted a child with him n he agreed to do his best lol. I'm well off financially so that's not a problem but in telling my mother she made me questioned my decision being that she's my mother. Have any of you ladies have or consider doing the same? Or am I crazy for thinking it?
To be honest, its great that you're there to help support this guy. But you need to think about the hypothetical kid. You would be deliberately bringing someone into a bad situation. You would be deliberately denying a child a father, a family and all of the tangible and intangible things that go along with it. It would be a very selfish decision for you to make.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to jsanner For This Useful Post:
yourself (07-26-2017)
  #36  
Old 07-26-2017, 10:05 AM
Fridyrr.Likn's Avatar
Fridyrr.Likn Fridyrr.Likn is online now
Heathen Moderator

PTO Moderator 

 

Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Casa Grande, AZ
Posts: 1,883
Thanks: 4,084
Thanked 1,678 Times in 863 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
To be honest, its great that you're there to help support this guy. But you need to think about the hypothetical kid. You would be deliberately bringing someone into a bad situation. You would be deliberately denying a child a father, a family and all of the tangible and intangible things that go along with it. It would be a very selfish decision for you to make.
Millions of children have a family without having a father present. Seriously, what's the divorce rate? What's the deadbeat parent rate? Not even to mention the gay couples who raise children without a father or mother. You can absolutely have a "family" without a father or without a mother. Hell look at how many grandparents out there doing a wonderful job raising their grandchildren for whatever reason.

I would not personally have a child with an inmate knowing what I know now. I have 4 children. I've been doing the single mother thing for most of their lives. However, if I don't have any children that story would likely be much different.

I just don't think it's fair to assume that a child would somehow have a life that was less full of love and compassion just because the father is in prison. To assume that the child would be denied family for that reason is absurd. My youngest daughter's father is in prison. And she has grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and many family friends who love her like crazy. Family isn't always a mom, dad and siblings.
__________________
KENDRA
ARIZONA-CAROLINAS-VIRGINIA-NOW THAT YOUR LOVED ONE IS HOME
Reply With Quote
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Fridyrr.Likn For This Useful Post:
4EverYoung1 (07-27-2017), Bryanna814 (07-26-2017), choclgs (07-27-2017), DanielsWyf (07-26-2017), iamcol (07-28-2017), LifeTraveler (07-27-2017), maytayah (07-26-2017), miamac (07-26-2017), patchouli (07-26-2017)
  #37  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:11 PM
judiwoo's Avatar
judiwoo judiwoo is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Nevada/UK
Posts: 846
Thanks: 174
Thanked 741 Times in 439 Posts
Default

Having brought up 2 sons as a single mother I know it is really hard and not financially but I missed emotional support and someone being there. When they became teenagers I could have done with someone to help with the discipline. You must do what is best for yourself and your husband not your mother or anyone else.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to judiwoo For This Useful Post:
4EverYoung1 (07-27-2017), Bryanna814 (07-26-2017)
  #38  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:19 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
To be honest, its great that you're there to help support this guy. But you need to think about the hypothetical kid. You would be deliberately bringing someone into a bad situation. You would be deliberately denying a child a father, a family and all of the tangible and intangible things that go along with it. It would be a very selfish decision for you to make.
Wow... being selfish? If a child is loved that is being selfish? Because the father is a lifer, that is selfish? What is selfish is the woman who keep the kids away from a healthy, non abusive father... i totally get the father can not physically be there for the child through any day, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually the father will be there everyday.
And the mother will take the child to visit.
Lifers who are good people deserve love and happiness. Children deserve love and happiness.
These words that you are calling this woman whom wants to have a child with the man she loves, is breaking my heart. The people who are selfish are the ones who are so judgmental.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Bryanna814 For This Useful Post:
4EverYoung1 (07-27-2017), Fridyrr.Likn (07-26-2017)
  #39  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:22 PM
jsanner jsanner is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 273
Thanks: 0
Thanked 165 Times in 91 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinir.Fridyrr View Post
Millions of children have a family without having a father present. Seriously, what's the divorce rate? What's the deadbeat parent rate? Not even to mention the gay couples who raise children without a father or mother. You can absolutely have a "family" without a father or without a mother.

Yes, I agree 100%. You can also have a family with both parents being handicapped conspiracy theorist manspreading pedophiles. But why would you want to?

Why DELIBERATELY create obstacles for your hypothetical child? Its so totally selfish. Which is the complete opposite of what parenting is supposed to be about.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to jsanner For This Useful Post:
4EverYoung1 (07-27-2017)
  #40  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:25 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
Yes, I agree 100%. You can also have a family with both parents being handicapped conspiracy theorist manspreading pedophiles. But why would you want to?

Why DELIBERATELY create obstacles for your hypothetical child? Its so totally selfish. Which is the complete opposite of what parenting is supposed to be about.
Wow. You are very judgmental, especially when you were concered about people judging you because your friend is incarcerated for being a SO
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Bryanna814 For This Useful Post:
4EverYoung1 (07-27-2017), Fridyrr.Likn (07-26-2017), Taliba00 (07-26-2017)
  #41  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:27 PM
jsanner jsanner is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 273
Thanks: 0
Thanked 165 Times in 91 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
Wow... being selfish? If a child is loved that is being selfish?
No. That is not being selfish.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
i totally get the father can not physically be there for the child through any day, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually the father will be there everyday.
No, he won't be there emotionally, mentally and spiritually every day. He will be in a prison cell. This is part of the reason why this is a bad idea...because a child should be able to have a Dad that is there emotionally, mentally and spiritually EVERY DAY. Its unfair to deliberately do that to a kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
Lifers who are good people deserve love and happiness. Children deserve love and happiness.
I agree. But children also deserve alot of things. Things than a man or woman doing life simply cannot provide. A child can live without these things. But a child can live without books, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
These words that you are calling this woman whom wants to have a child with the man she loves, is breaking my heart.
I haven't called any women any words!
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:30 PM
Fridyrr.Likn's Avatar
Fridyrr.Likn Fridyrr.Likn is online now
Heathen Moderator

PTO Moderator 

 

Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Casa Grande, AZ
Posts: 1,883
Thanks: 4,084
Thanked 1,678 Times in 863 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
Yes, I agree 100%. You can also have a family with both parents being handicapped conspiracy theorist manspreading pedophiles. But why would you want to?

Why DELIBERATELY create obstacles for your hypothetical child? Its so totally selfish. Which is the complete opposite of what parenting is supposed to be about.
Wow way to go to the extreme...not what anybody here is talking about at all. She's talking about being financially and morally able to raise a child with a father in prison. To raise and love and empower a child despite the obstacles...Which every child will face some obstacles in life. That child will not know any different, he or she will know they are taken care of and loved and that's what's important.

I really don't even know why I bother to address your posts since you've shown time and time again that you think you're right and everyone else is wrong. There's no getting you to have an open mind.

Do you also think gay couples choosing to adopt a child in need is selfish because of the obstacles it will create for the child later in life? Do you think military families choosing to have children are selfish because one parent may be the only parent there for much of the child's early life, because there's the chance that the enlisted parent may be killed in action? How about cops and firefighters? Their lives are put on the line every day...are they selfish for wanting children?
__________________
KENDRA
ARIZONA-CAROLINAS-VIRGINIA-NOW THAT YOUR LOVED ONE IS HOME
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Fridyrr.Likn For This Useful Post:
Bryanna814 (07-26-2017)
  #43  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:30 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
No. That is not being selfish.



No, he won't be there emotionally, mentally and spiritually every day. He will be in a prison cell. This is part of the reason why this is a bad idea...because a child should be able to have a Dad that is there emotionally, mentally and spiritually EVERY DAY. Its unfair to deliberately do that to a kid.



I agree. But children also deserve alot of things. Things than a man or woman doing life simply cannot provide. A child can live without these things. But a child can live without books, too.



I haven't called any women any words!
Yes, you called her selfish. And you are completly wrong with saying that just because the father is in a cell does not mean that they will not be there, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Bryanna814 For This Useful Post:
Fridyrr.Likn (07-26-2017)
  #44  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:33 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,299
Thanks: 3,944
Thanked 19,454 Times in 7,023 Posts
Default

Being a single mother and having a sperm donor is different from having a father in prison for life.

A sperm donor gives up all rights to the child before there's an impregnation. There is no father, no father's family, no nothing except a list of non-disclosing information (race, ethnicity, education level, height, major medical problems, etc) that helps a parent choose the donor and a child not worry or worry about stuff in the future. There is no picture of the father, no history to the father, no family that may or may not be involved, no grandparents looking to exercise visitation rights in grandparent rights states. There is no waiting for a phone call, no trips to the prison, no metal detectors or guards, no glass, no disappointment when Dad screws up and loses visitation for a period of time. There is a freedom to choose another adult figure to take the role of father (no matter what the gender of that person) for emotional and educational reasons. There is no squabbling about "deadbeat dad" (a term applied to fathers who don't pay their fair share of support. this is different from fathers who do not show up for visitation, or stay out of the child's development).

Look, if you have a child in wedlock, the family of the father, not just the father, need to be considered. If that child is of the body of the husband, people get weird. People who have written off a relationship suddenly show up because the child is a nephew/niece or grandchild. Or, you're stuck telling a kid, yes, you do have cousins, but they are not involved with you because of....

In as far as my accident goes, I am very happy that I didn't have a child at home waiting for me to show up. It would have been a very long time before I showed up. Social services would have been called, and the child would have found his/her way into the foster care system even if only for a short time. Who am I kidding - it could have been a very long time depending on the needs of the child. I may have the wealth socked away that this wasn't as dramatic of a hit as it could have been, and I am seriously thinking about just retiring, but that's yet to be determined.

I have had fosters in the house. I prefer kids I can actually talk with - school age to just about to age out. It would have been a nightmare for those kids if this had happened during their tenancy.

These are the things you need to think about if you're going to deliberately become a parent. A planned pregnancy means you plan the pregnancy and the rest as best you can considering your risks, the child's risks (especially if there's a genetic tendency in your or his family towards something bad or really bad). Yes, life happens, but you best have a good life insurance policy in place as well as a good relationship with your estates lawyer so that your child is cared for if something bad or really bad happens to you. Not living hand to mouth and being able to have something of a savings is also a good move when you are planning a pregnancy. This way, if things don't go according to Hoyle, you have something of a buffer so that really bad doesn't turn into worse.

Same with the care of your kid. No kid wants to wind up in DCFS or with the wolves at the doors. You need to plan as best you can to prevent these things incase things go bad or really bad.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
choclgs (07-27-2017), Fridyrr.Likn (07-26-2017), miamac (07-26-2017)
  #45  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:37 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
Being a single mother and having a sperm donor is different from having a father in prison for life.

A sperm donor gives up all rights to the child before there's an impregnation. There is no father, no father's family, no nothing except a list of non-disclosing information (race, ethnicity, education level, height, major medical problems, etc) that helps a parent choose the donor and a child not worry or worry about stuff in the future. There is no picture of the father, no history to the father, no family that may or may not be involved, no grandparents looking to exercise visitation rights in grandparent rights states. There is no waiting for a phone call, no trips to the prison, no metal detectors or guards, no glass, no disappointment when Dad screws up and loses visitation for a period of time. There is a freedom to choose another adult figure to take the role of father (no matter what the gender of that person) for emotional and educational reasons. There is no squabbling about "deadbeat dad" (a term applied to fathers who don't pay their fair share of support. this is different from fathers who do not show up for visitation, or stay out of the child's development).

Look, if you have a child in wedlock, the family of the father, not just the father, need to be considered. If that child is of the body of the husband, people get weird. People who have written off a relationship suddenly show up because the child is a nephew/niece or grandchild. Or, you're stuck telling a kid, yes, you do have cousins, but they are not involved with you because of....

In as far as my accident goes, I am very happy that I didn't have a child at home waiting for me to show up. It would have been a very long time before I showed up. Social services would have been called, and the child would have found his/her way into the foster care system even if only for a short time. Who am I kidding - it could have been a very long time depending on the needs of the child. I may have the wealth socked away that this wasn't as dramatic of a hit as it could have been, and I am seriously thinking about just retiring, but that's yet to be determined.

I have had fosters in the house. I prefer kids I can actually talk with - school age to just about to age out. It would have been a nightmare for those kids if this had happened during their tenancy.

These are the things you need to think about if you're going to deliberately become a parent. A planned pregnancy means you plan the pregnancy and the rest as best you can considering your risks, the child's risks (especially if there's a genetic tendency in your or his family towards something bad or really bad). Yes, life happens, but you best have a good life insurance policy in place as well as a good relationship with your estates lawyer so that your child is cared for if something bad or really bad happens to you. Not living hand to mouth and being able to have something of a savings is also a good move when you are planning a pregnancy. This way, if things don't go according to Hoyle, you have something of a buffer so that really bad doesn't turn into worse.

Same with the care of your kid. No kid wants to wind up in DCFS or with the wolves at the doors. You need to plan as best you can to prevent these things incase things go bad or really bad.
It is your choice not to have children and other peoples choice to have children.
And once again, i am sorry that you personally do not have a support system of friends and family in your life. Now that is heart breaking
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:48 PM
jsanner jsanner is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 273
Thanks: 0
Thanked 165 Times in 91 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
Wow. You are very judgmental, especially when you were concered about people judging you because your friend is incarcerated for being a SO
Judgemental? Who am I judging? The OP created a thread called "Considering having a child with my lifer" looking for advice. This is a judgement free zone, my friend.

Sounds like you're judging me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinir.Fridyrr View Post
Wow way to go to the extreme...not what anybody here is talking about at all. She's talking about being financially and morally able to raise a child with a father in prison. To raise and love and empower a child despite the obstacles...Which every child will face some obstacles in life. That child will not know any different, he or she will know they are taken care of and loved and that's what's important.
My father did time. Some of my friends had fathers that did not do time. My Dad loved me just as much as their Dads loved them. I still rather would have had my Dad not do time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinir.Fridyrr View Post
I really don't even know why I bother to address your posts since you've shown time and time again that you think you're right and everyone else is wrong. There's no getting you to have an open mind.
Haha! I'm one of the most open minded people I know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinir.Fridyrr View Post
Do you also think gay couples choosing to adopt a child in need is selfish because of the obstacles it will create for the child later in life?
Are either of the two gay parents in this situation doing life? No? Then apples and oranges.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinir.Fridyrr View Post
Do you think military families choosing to have children are selfish because one parent may be the only parent there for much of the child's early life, because there's the chance that the enlisted parent may be killed in action? How about cops and firefighters? Their lives are put on the line every day...are they selfish for wanting children?
Same question. Are any of the parents in either of these situations doing life?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanna814 View Post
Yes, you called her selfish.
I didn't call any woman selfish. Please do not put words into my mouth.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 07-26-2017, 12:51 PM
Bryanna814's Avatar
Bryanna814 Bryanna814 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 214
Thanks: 183
Thanked 125 Times in 90 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
Judgemental? Who am I judging? The OP created a thread called "Considering having a child with my lifer" looking for advice. This is a judgement free zone, my friend.

Sounds like you're judging me.



My father did time. Some of my friends had fathers that did not do time. My Dad loved me just as much as their Dads loved them. I still rather would have had my Dad not do time.



Haha! I'm one of the most open minded people I know.



Are either of the two gay parents in this situation doing life? No? Then apples and oranges.



Same question. Are any of the parents in either of these situations doing life?



I didn't call any woman selfish. Please do not put words into my mouth.
Why DELIBERATELY create obstacles for your hypothetical child? Its so totally selfish. Which is the complete opposite of what parenting is supposed to be about.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 07-26-2017, 02:57 PM
4EverYoung1 4EverYoung1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Los Angeles County
Posts: 296
Thanks: 10
Thanked 17 Times in 10 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TreeGrl72 View Post
Thank you for posting this! I appreciate your courage in putting your question out there, as I know there can be a lot of controversy (as evidenced by people's reactions)! All I can say is that I'm in love with a lifer too and I know what it feels like to want to have a child with the love of your life. Until people have had this experience...to be deeply in love with someone who most likely will never leave prison, but with whom you want nothing more than to share every normal life experience (including having a child), because you know how amazing they are, there can be no comment or judgment. I understand what you're going through and my lifer and I have said that we will have a ton of discussions about all the factors before we consider it. I just know that children are born out of a variety of crazy circumstances, but I have to believe that if they are born of love and with both parents' eyes open and a goal to manage the inevitable pitfalls as best they can, then it can be done. All my best to you and your loved one! At the end of the day, you two know what's best for your lives!
Thank you, for your kind words just what I needed to hear.

To be clear my husband has the possibility to be relased and going to parole August 2018.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 07-26-2017, 03:05 PM
4EverYoung1 4EverYoung1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Los Angeles County
Posts: 296
Thanks: 10
Thanked 17 Times in 10 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
Judgemental? Who am I judging? The OP created a thread called "Considering having a child with my lifer" looking for advice. This is a judgement free zone, my friend.

Sounds like you're judging me.



My father did time. Some of my friends had fathers that did not do time. My Dad loved me just as much as their Dads loved them. I still rather would have had my Dad not do time.



Haha! I'm one of the most open minded people I know.



Are either of the two gay parents in this situation doing life? No? Then apples and oranges.



Same question. Are any of the parents in either of these situations doing life?



I didn't call any woman selfish. Please do not put words into my mouth.

Thank you, Janner for sharing your thoughts.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 07-26-2017, 03:17 PM
4EverYoung1 4EverYoung1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Los Angeles County
Posts: 296
Thanks: 10
Thanked 17 Times in 10 Posts
Default

I would like to Thanked everyone who joined in this conversation, especially those of you who shared their stories, and opinions.

My husband will be out one day because he is LWP and will meet with the Board next year.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to 4EverYoung1 For This Useful Post:
patchouli (07-26-2017)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Marrying a lifer and divorcing a lifer Mrssweat Loving a Lifer 8 07-06-2016 06:59 PM
No way to get child support from a lifer justdontknow Raising Children with Parents in Prison 6 10-25-2012 05:19 AM
Are you the mother of a child whose father is a "lifer"? jes6301 Raising Children with Parents in Prison 0 08-03-2009 09:24 AM
Has anyone heard that the "child lifer law" was overturned? Lavender Michigan Prison and Legal News & Events 7 12-12-2008 09:53 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:51 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics