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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #51  
Old 08-24-2013, 03:15 AM
Irisheyed Irisheyed is offline
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Adding one more thing ... I read posts from women on here who have met an inmate through penpal sites and fell in love. Some quote how all of the person's friends or loved ones left them. How he is a good, kind and loving person who they are determined to be devoted to forever, no matter how much time he serves. And that sounds noble and inspiring and wonderful at times, but I wonder if they really understand the heartache from the other side of things. The lives and hearts that the inmate twisted and crushed for a time. His mistakes may have been made at a young age, and he truly may be remorseful ... but unless you have been in the shoes of someone like me ... a wife who was devoted to someone who she was faithful to, who she loved deeply and treasured happy moments with .. you can't know the pain of letting go. I am at that stage now after many months of tears and heartache, agony and feeling as though my heart has been ripped from inside me. He doesn't want me to go. He cries, he begs and he writes the most romantic letters he's ever written in our entire history together. But none of that makes up for what he did. I wrestled with the fact I took vows before God to this man, but it boils down to the fact that my children come first. Most people don't understand how I could still love this man after what he did ... and I can't even understand it myself. It would be so much easier on my heart if it could have hardened into stone and hated him. But even the children couldn't hate him. We have to move on. I have to let him go. It is killing me to know he is alone .. and that his family has cut him off. His friends cut him off. But he manipulates everything and everyone. He has admitted so many things to me that he's done inside the prison to get what he wants.

Once I am gone from his life ... (and I will never stop praying for him or forget the good memories we shared before I found out what he had done) .. he may find a penpal or two ... or three. I have a feeling he will do and say whatever he needs to, to find someone to talk to, listen to him, feel sorry for him ... he will play the victim who gave up everything to "save the children from being put on the stand." He will tell her or them how he was depressed and tried to commit suicide from heartbreak of hurting his family, he will tell her he made a plea to God to save him and make him into a better man, and he will be cute and sing songs over the phone and shed tears and give warm hugs at visits .... and ask for books and request money for art supplies and snacks and eventually electronic devices and better clothes (so he can look good for visits). I know him. This is what he will eventually do. And whoever falls under his spell will believe he gave all his love only to have it tossed back at him and unappreciated. Not every guy in there is going to use people, but none of them are completely honest. They can't be. The system isn't set up for them to be honest. So just be aware ... if you don't have the history with these men out from behind bars, you can't judge those of us who have and who loved them deeply. We don't all leave because we don't care. Some leave because we have to. My children have to know they come first. He made his choices. He has to live with them. That is what prison is. No matter what their upbringing or abuse they suffered, it does not give them an excuse to have hurt others. You aren't a savior to these men ... they are desperate, and they know how to manipulate, because that is what they either did or were taught in prison. Think long and hard about believing everything they tell you, because I guarantee most will prey on a woman's nurturing heart. My husband is very good with words. I know. I fell in love with him and took care of him and suffered for it. Don't put down the people who were in their lives. You don't know what they went through or how hard leaving is at times. Don't settle for a life of letters and visits with 5 second kisses unless you are ready to give up growing old with someone and having someone to be there when your health fails and your friends pass away one by one. If you marry a true lifer ... you will have to understand you will never be able to fully trust the person you get involved with. To survive in there, they can't ever be completely honest, and you will never fully know what goes on behind those bars. I loved my husband and would never have left him in my lifetime. But I found out he molested my children and collapsed on the sidewalk in front of our house in a female officer's arms, as she cried with me. Don't judge the people these men came from out here ... many of us loved them deeply, but my children come first. They need to know he won't be back to hurt them anymore.
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  #52  
Old 08-25-2013, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irisheyed View Post
Adding one more thing ... I read posts from women on here who have met an inmate through penpal sites and fell in love. Some quote how all of the person's friends or loved ones left them. How he is a good, kind and loving person who they are determined to be devoted to forever, no matter how much time he serves. And that sounds noble and inspiring and wonderful at times, but I wonder if they really understand the heartache from the other side of things. The lives and hearts that the inmate twisted and crushed for a time. His mistakes may have been made at a young age, and he truly may be remorseful ... but unless you have been in the shoes of someone like me ... a wife who was devoted to someone who she was faithful to, who she loved deeply and treasured happy moments with .. you can't know the pain of letting go.
First I want to say Thank You for this wonderful post. I have often wondered if an MWI really understands the heartache that the person they find so wonderful caused the loved ones in their life that have left them. My honey is in a Federal Prison so there is no such thing as parole. He is doing Life +10 on drug charges. There are only a few of us left who have been with him since before he went in most have moved on. He has a large family but only three of them still correspond with him. I do not fault them for leaving we have all been through a lot with him and everybody has a breaking point. He is remorseful but he was remorseful the first time he went in also, that didn't keep him from ending up back in prison. I love him deeply so I stay.
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  #53  
Old 10-13-2013, 08:37 PM
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Mine is servinbg LWOP in Colorado and I live in NY - do you ever see him?
Yes I do about every three months. I visit him for three days six hour visits. It is horrible leaving him there and flying back to detroit. I wish i could see him way more often but i am ssatisfied with what i have. PM me if you want to talk. I am not on here often but i do check in every once and awhile. Thats why it took me so long to respond to your question.
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  #54  
Old 10-14-2013, 11:22 AM
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Question sister of a lifer

I'm a sister that just had her brother convicted of murder and received a life sentence in FLORIDA. He is in Franklin Institution. Does anyone here have anyone that is there. This is my first experience with this. How do u mange and deal with this.
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  #55  
Old 02-04-2014, 10:36 AM
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Ole Man has Lwop I'm in New Orleans he's in WV !
just found out that my birthfather has LWOP in WV also.
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  #56  
Old 02-05-2014, 07:44 PM
RHW0012 RHW0012 is offline
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My man have LWOP. It's been 17yrs. We file for clemency 1st Time two years ago. He's at McCreary KY. Please keep us in prayer! As I will with everyone with LWOP! To God be the Glory! Amen
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  #57  
Old 07-13-2014, 09:35 PM
Mrs.BenCase Mrs.BenCase is offline
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my fiance is doing LWOP in SC. and right now im trying to figure out if he can get parole so far nothing
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  #58  
Old 07-15-2014, 08:10 PM
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I have been around for awhile here and on the "prison-specific" forum, and feel that this board is a better fit for me. I try to remember who is doing what where, but my memory sucks so I decided to just ask. :-) My man is LWOP in CA.

Well looks like life without parole here too... two life sentences in fact (one originally coming from a death row plea) :*( I've been reading a lot of these forum posts concerning lifers and I admire all your ladies and men who have stuck through the years with your SO and loved ones. It is definitely challenging and every day feels like a blessing, because at least they're alive. I don't discount anything and believe that time tells all --- if it's meant to be, it will be. Who knows what may occur within the next ten years? Laws may change..... well here is hoping
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  #59  
Old 07-15-2014, 09:25 PM
JaEllis JaEllis is offline
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Laws do change. I heard that in IL they are putting it on the table that those with Life sentences will be eligible for parole under these conditions:
Must have served at the min of 25 years and be at least the age of 50.
I always tell my loved ones, watch your P's and Q's as they will always take into consideration how your time has been spent. Stay productive and positive.
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  #60  
Old 11-11-2016, 10:37 AM
Stainlessgirl Stainlessgirl is offline
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My loved one is in McCreary now waiting on transfer either to other USP or ADX. He has a life sentence and as we are both older now (over 50) I think about issues like failing health etc. What happens to older prisoners when they can no longer care for themselves?
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  #61  
Old 11-11-2016, 11:31 AM
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My loved one is in McCreary now waiting on transfer either to other USP or ADX. He has a life sentence and as we are both older now (over 50) I think about issues like failing health etc. What happens to older prisoners when they can no longer care for themselves?
Probably will be housed at Springfield, Mo. A federal, close security medical center prison is located there.
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  #62  
Old 12-14-2016, 10:07 PM
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It's so quiet on the lifer forum... It definitely requires a more philosophical approach to 'life' -- especially Life w/o Possibility... that's my husband's shorthand, btw, not mine. I am at a loss for banding together with fellow travelers on this path. It is not something I feel free to dispense at a cocktail get-together or with co-workers.
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  #63  
Old 12-18-2016, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by WG406 View Post
It's so quiet on the lifer forum... It definitely requires a more philosophical approach to 'life' -- especially Life w/o Possibility... that's my husband's shorthand, btw, not mine. I am at a loss for banding together with fellow travelers on this path. It is not something I feel free to dispense at a cocktail get-together or with co-workers.

It's a difficult journey we lead as wives/girlfriends, whose love one who has been sentenced under LWOP. I know my husband is one of them. It's a silent and sorrowful 😔 sadness I wish upon no one. When I read other posts here on PTO, I know I'm not alone. The holidays are especially difficult, and somehow I manage to get through it, with the Grace of God.

I've learned to cope through the years and rely on God. He has our back and he's got yours. The laws are changing ever so slowly but they are. That brings me and my husband joy.

Hugs 🤗
God Bless you and yours.
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  #64  
Old 01-03-2017, 08:37 PM
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Hello everyone I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum but you my as well safe my love one a lifer he been down since 1998 I miss him dearly I'm just so ready for him to come home but I wanted to ask he committed his crime in columbus ohio in Franklin county I'm trying to find a lawyer or someone to help out with judicial release do you think its best to find a lawyer where he committed the crime or find a lawyer where I resides in cleveland ohio I'm so confused please someone give me some advice thanks
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  #65  
Old 02-02-2017, 01:57 PM
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D's got LWOP in PA...20 years down...by God's grace he'll be home soon!!
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  #66  
Old 03-23-2017, 01:46 PM
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Life plus 85 years... he has been in for 24 years.
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  #67  
Old 03-24-2017, 12:33 AM
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My man had 2 life sentenced +6yrs. Appealed and is down to 1 life sentence
Gonna appeal again. Please pray 4 us. He was 23 when ge went in 29 now. I would love to get him home someday
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Old 04-03-2017, 06:06 PM
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My man has 124 years. In for 21.
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Old 04-04-2017, 01:39 AM
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My love has been down 3 yrs. We got three 25 life conc one 75 Life conc. Then the other stupid little years the judge decided to add on.
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  #70  
Old 04-06-2017, 09:02 AM
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I miss my love so much that it hurts my heart. Some days I am feeling good and other days I am so so sad. He needs to be with me living a wonderful life. Yes, he committed a crime, he has paid his price. He is 46 years old. He is not the same person as he was when he was 19.
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Old 04-06-2017, 05:36 PM
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Gosh, I just don't know what to say to you all. I am in England and have a son that committed murder at the age of 16. He was under the influence of drugs and alcohol, but that's no excuse. He had been taking drugs for some time and I didn't even know....that is no credit to me as a mother.
I felt so hard done by when he was sentenced as he was convicted under the 'joint enterprise ' law and my son was the one that got the murder charge the other 2 defendants got manslaughter.
Now I feel humbled. My son got life with a 12 year tariff and was released a couple of weeks ago. It just seems ludicrous that sentences can differ so greatly but the end result was someone died.
Everybody can make a mistake, have errors of judgement, act impulsively but does locking a human being up for life cure the problem. Shouldn't we be trying to rehabilitate.
Don't get me wrong there are many that may need to be securely kept due to mental health issue......but really......what the good of giving someone 2-3 life sentences when they probably won't outlive one.
My world ended when my son was imprisoned and 12 years seemed like a life time
How you all cope is beyond me.....in fact its incomprehensible. You all have my utmost respect. I wish I could find or say some words of wisdom but i feel there isn't anything adequate enough.
At least on here you are amongst friends and they are friends that can relate to how your feeling. Sending big big hugs to you all
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Old 04-06-2017, 07:31 PM
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Thank you for you honesty and support @ jazzie-ben... my love has life plus 85 years. He has been in since he was 21. He is 46 now.
How is your son dealing with being out? You and your son are very blessed that he is out.
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  #73  
Old 04-07-2017, 10:20 PM
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It's a difficult time..and I have some very strange emotions. When my son was in prison I knew where he was and I guess I was grateful he was safe. He was going down the wrong road and I think had this hideous event not happened he would probably be dead now.
He has a job which he likes and he is living with me so yes that is all good. I just find myself worrying every day, I am almost sure he will never go back on drugs, and I know if more widely available in prison but he never touched it when he was inside, he passed all the random drug tests. He just seems over powering, and dare I say a bit demanding and I'm finding myself feeling resentful of this, why I really don't know. May be its because I have had to keep the family unit intact in his absence but in someways I think he is struggling to fit in.
When he first came out everyone wanted to see him and it made me cross because he almost had celebrity status and I had to say to him one day ' you are NOT FAMOUS YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER FORGET WHY YOU ARE IN THIS POSITION you took a mans life and somewhere out there a family is still grieving ' is that odd for me to be like this ? Maybe even after all this time I haven't come to terms with what he done.
I wish I could find the right words to say to all of you who are living but knowing the chance of release is remote. For me I had a goal. 12 years is a very long time but I had hope so there was an end in sight, how do you cope without that? My son is 27 now but has lost his young years and because of his life license his life will never be his own but I DO have him back.
I might understand the penal system in the US more if there was some evidence that it was in the best interests of all those concerned but I can't see how they can say that because a prisoner firstly has to be given a chance to prove they have reformed or that their risk has been substantially reduced.
I was so so lucky because in 12 years my son never had 1 adjudication he became a drug counsellor, a listener and a resettlement officer so I never had too much to worry about during his sentence which obviously made my sentence easier.
This is the whole thing though isn't it, your sentence is just a long as your loved ones only harder to bear cos you have done nothing wrong.
At least you are not alone and this place allows feelings to be shared and sharing is caring and it is so good to talk. ��
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Old 04-08-2017, 06:22 PM
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Hi I'm new here & not all that knowledgeable about the whole prison system thing. But I do know of someone who was sentenced to LWOP at 16. Truly do not believe he still deserves to be there. Has there ever been or is there even a possibility of someone with that sentence able to get out one day with great behavior ect. ? To me I think the parole board is jacked regardless what case they see they need some serious changes. Also iv always heard how inmates assault other inmates (you get what I'm saying) does anyone know if this is true? I hate to even bring that up on here & I hope I'm on the right forum to even ask that it just breaks my heart to even think those kind of things go on inside.
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Old 04-09-2017, 03:43 PM
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Hi Hun, I'm from the UK and I can say that over here it's not unheard of but they tend to segregate those who might be at risk. There are an awful lot of TV documentaries that put the American judicial system in a bad light, if they are going to report on something it will always be the worst case scenario after all the more sensational they make it the more viewers there will be.
In the U.K. If you are sentenced while under 18 you can have a 'mid sentence review' and you can get some time taken off but it's minimal, my son got 1year and 1 month and that's the most that anybody has ever been awarded, it's usually about 6 months. You also must consider that the number of prisoners in the U.K. That have got actual life sentences is minimal in fact I don't think they even give them a number of years they just get told they will be in prison until they die.
I'm learning all the time about the judicial system in both the USA & the U.K. and they are very different.
You know if your worried about the person you refer to I'm sure there must be a liaison officer who you can speak to, over here we go through the chaplaincy, don't bottle it up, cos things will blow out of proportion. You won't be the first to voice your worries and you certainly won't be the last.
Yes 16 is very young, my son was 16 and they are still children, admitadly they are old enough to know right from wrong but they are still finding their way in life....far too young to be incarcerated with no chance of parole......now THATS criminal. Chin up this sight is full of lovely people and all will help if they can 🙂
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