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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

View Poll Results: Do your emotions ever waiver about waiting for him?
Yes, often 15 25.42%
Yes, but rarely 14 23.73%
No, not at all 30 50.85%
Decided I can't wait but will remain friends 0 0%
Voters: 59. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 02-13-2015, 11:23 AM
TaurusLove TaurusLove is offline
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Default Do your good days outweigh the bad? Venting denial,hope etc

Ever since my guys sentencing I have been on quiet an emotional roller coaster. Some days I fully accept this and am hopeful his appeal will work and he will be home soon others I feel emotionally drained and know that not only are overturned convictions hard to get but them often can take many many many years and I just wonder how do I face this. I think apart of me is still in shock/denial and this hope I feel sometimes I think may be naive of me. I'm not sure if hope is keeping me sane or killing me slowly. The hope sometimes gives me the strength to get through the day but the hope can be so paralyzing as well because I've been hoping for 4 years trial after trial (3 to be exact) and my hope constantly failed me as he gets deeper and deeper in the system! And I understand anything can happen and I try and stay positive for him but I battle between optimism and realism constantly! I just don't know if I can handle this and it makes me want to shut down.does it ever get easier? Because I feel like the more time that passes by the worst I feel because I wonder will all this hope be in vain. I will always be his friend but as far as romance goes Im having a hard time deciding on an emotion and a decision because all the unknown drives me crazy.
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  #2  
Old 02-13-2015, 01:43 PM
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Loving someone who is then sentenced to an extremely long sentence must be excruciating. I can't even imagine the pain and confusion and heartache you must be going through.

I know there are a lot of people that have ridden out long bids and there are people who couldn't do it. I don't think there is any one right answer.

My advice to you would be, make your decision for yourself. He made his decisions that got him in there and you should decide what is best for you. Whatever that is.

My boyfriends wife (at the time) wanted to stand by him but he "let her go" once all of his appeals were lost and he knew he was going to be spending 24 years in prison. She let his decision destroy her to a certain extent. So whatever you do decide...stay or go... just make sure you live the best life you can.
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Old 02-13-2015, 04:47 PM
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I don't think it EVER gets easier. Originally I thought I had just 3.5 years to go. Then, he got out and things fell to pieces and in just six months, he was back behind bars. Now, it's been three years again. He's up for a hwh in April. He was denied parole. Got into a couple scrapes in prison. I know how it is to keep hoping "maybe this time, things will go different". Everyone is different. You have to decide what you can do.
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Old 02-13-2015, 05:49 PM
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R has a life sentence though he is eligible for parole in 6 years. Whether or not he makes first parole is yet to be seen but I only think that far. If I think any further than that I'm not sure that I'd be able to do it. All you can say is that what you are doing NOW is what you want. You don't know what you will feel in 1, 2, 5 or 10 years from now. I think that people think that they have to make a decision and you really don't. Live for now and decide what you will do if/when you decide that enough is enough. It may never be but you are cheating your relationship now by thinking about what may be in the future. Do I ever waiver? Of course. I think everyone does and it would be abnormal not to wonder what it would be like if you weren't in this relationship. I think that the time to leave would be when the days you waiver out number the days you want to be in the relationship. When that happens then reevaluate. Otherwise enjoy what you have now.
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Old 02-15-2015, 07:12 PM
Igeewa Igeewa is offline
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I just get so frustrated when his family will not let me know if they are visiting or not. Or they say they are and do not show up. I went for a visit 2 weeks ago and was turned away because they were on lock down. I was in shock and because I have visited him during lock down before. I reached out his family this week repeatedly asking about visiting, because they went last week. No response, nothing, which is normal. So I waited all day yesterday checking his visitation status on line. No one visited. Got up early this morning, checked on line and called the unit, which annoyed them. So I am about 30 minutes from his unit and his sister sends me a fb msg demanding to know if I am going to visit because she was on her way. I was so mad, mad as all get out. I asked, and asked. So I picked up my speed and prayed I would beat her there. I know it sounds horrible, but I just feel like they do everything possible so I won't be able to visit. I told him when I finally got there, he would be hearing from them. I stressed myself to the max, was having chest pains so bad, but I had to make sure he did not know. Sorry for venting. He is looking at 25 years and up for parole in 10.
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Old 02-16-2015, 06:05 AM
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He is my son and no I will never give up waiting.
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Old 02-16-2015, 07:18 PM
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I am waiting for him to get out in two years. I love him and this is what I want it will be hard but I have no doubt in my mind that he is the one.
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Old 02-17-2015, 09:52 AM
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I didn't know my boyfriend before he went in. He has an incredibly long sentence and it's something I had to really come to terms with being that we met while he was incarcerated. I would say that our relationship is probably the healthiest one I've ever had. We also try to just be mindful of what we have and share. We try and really enjoy our time together and enjoy those in the moment feelings. We talk about things we would love to do with each other and things that maybe we will someday get to do with each other, even if we are 80. It is sometimes like a rollercoaster. Anytime I start to really feel the burden of him being in there...I express that. I told him that it's me venting, and expressing those things has helped me to move past them. He understands and in those moments just offers a listening ear, is empathetic, and gives some level of reassurance. I really do love this man. So, to me it's worth it. HUGS!
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  #9  
Old 02-17-2015, 10:15 AM
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Hi. I feel the same all my relationships have been soo bad. This one is very healthy. I love him soo much. I will reply with more later. Im at work.
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Old 02-19-2015, 10:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutepixie View Post
I didn't know my boyfriend before he went in. He has an incredibly long sentence and it's something I had to really come to terms with being that we met while he was incarcerated. I would say that our relationship is probably the healthiest one I've ever had. We also try to just be mindful of what we have and share. We try and really enjoy our time together and enjoy those in the moment feelings. We talk about things we would love to do with each other and things that maybe we will someday get to do with each other, even if we are 80. It is sometimes like a rollercoaster. Anytime I start to really feel the burden of him being in there...I express that. I told him that it's me venting, and expressing those things has helped me to move past them. He understands and in those moments just offers a listening ear, is empathetic, and gives some level of reassurance. I really do love this man. So, to me it's worth it. HUGS!


I've never talk to anybody that was MWI but your post kind of made me think and I can relate to similar feelings.

I knew my guy only a few months before he got locked up. We stayed in contact all throughout him being in county jail awaiting trial and our friendship and relationship has just completely blossom since we have grown so much closer in the past four years is unbelievable. And I like you also feel like my relationship with him is the best thing I've ever had and I don't even know if I'll ever be able to get that again. But seeing as how you've never been with your guy on outside do you ever feel robbed like how can you meet this person have this amazing connection and never get to experience it in the outside world. Because even though I knew my guy before he went away I feel like that because our relationship didn't blossom to where it is now until he was in. And I often think about how it sucks that our time together was so short and that we have grown into something so beautiful and we may never get to experience it in the way that outside couples do. Because unlike some of the people here that have years with their guy and a full relationship with their guy before he went away I don't feel that so I experience that level of curiosity of how things would be now because we're so different than the way we were when he was out because we were so new to each other we were dating only a few months then. In my opinion I feel it kind of makes it worse which is why brought this point up. I wish we would've had more time in the world especially since he is facing 50 years to life if he doesn't get out we may never get that opportunity. I may never know what it is like to be with him. And I feel as though I don't have enough memories I wish I had years and years of memories to comfort me while he's gone but I don't all I have are those few months and I just try and hold onto them and replay them all the time. I just feel I found such a great love with him and it would suck to not be able to experience that too it's fullest capacity
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:31 PM
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Idk all I know is how I feel. I care about him and we are going to meet this summer so we will see how that goes. I know I never had such a strong connection with anyone in such a short amout of time. I was on write a prisoner to meet pen pals. Thats it. Never thought I would connect with someone on soo many levels. Never. He says things that I am thinking about saying to him all the time. It's so weird. I hope things will work out with us. Only time will tell. Right?
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Old 02-19-2015, 11:17 PM
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Not lately, but then we were denied again......so we wait another three years, 37 years hasn't been long enough. Right now, I don't know if I can do this for another three years, the last 10 plus years have been pretty hard.....

Tired of being caught up in limbo, trying to hold onto the hope that I might someday see him walk outside of those gates, take him to places we went long long ago, show him all the changes that have taken place in our city.

I knew when I was 15 that he was "the one" and I was right, he is "the one", but knowing this does not make it any easier. It is his smile that makes my heart light up, it is the courage that he's shown during his long incarceration that inspires me, to know that if he can keep a positive attitude in there, then surely I can make it out here......but I don't know, I just don't know.

Life continues on out here, we grow older, my kids grow older, I now have a granddaughter that takes up much of my attention. I have elderly parents to care for, the obstacles that come up are not limited to those that the prison creates.......

I am tired of feeling like hoping for a future with him is a fantasy world that we live in.....we talk of when he gets out, not "if" he gets out, but I sometimes want to scream out loud, WHEN?????

Our state has grown even more rigid about parole and I didn't think that could happen, for here, even with the positive nod of the board, a violent offender still has to be approved by the governor and this was our stumbling block, until this year. Our conservative leadership felt that the previous board was too lenient, so the DA and the governor conspired to get rid of that board and have now installed a parole board that consists of mainly ex-prosecutorial backgrounds, an ex-judge, the son of an ex-DA, an ex-cop who is married to a cop. He has been approved by the parole board every time he's gone up for the past 11 years, not this time.......I am numb......discouraged and heartily sick of this walk. Not sick of him, sick of this system that is so hard hearted it cannot see him for who he really is......it continues to punish him far beyond what it should. I don't know what more they think they can do to him, he has lost his youth, his chance for children, it has taken far more from him than they will ever realize and that can ever be measured......the punishment has been meted out to him, to me, his family......

I will eventually get off of this pity pot, just not today, probably not tomorrow.........
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Old 02-22-2015, 02:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TaurusLove View Post
I've never talk to anybody that was MWI but your post kind of made me think and I can relate to similar feelings.

I knew my guy only a few months before he got locked up. We stayed in contact all throughout him being in county jail awaiting trial and our friendship and relationship has just completely blossom since we have grown so much closer in the past four years is unbelievable. And I like you also feel like my relationship with him is the best thing I've ever had and I don't even know if I'll ever be able to get that again. But seeing as how you've never been with your guy on outside do you ever feel robbed like how can you meet this person have this amazing connection and never get to experience it in the outside world. Because even though I knew my guy before he went away I feel like that because our relationship didn't blossom to where it is now until he was in. And I often think about how it sucks that our time together was so short and that we have grown into something so beautiful and we may never get to experience it in the way that outside couples do. Because unlike some of the people here that have years with their guy and a full relationship with their guy before he went away I don't feel that so I experience that level of curiosity of how things would be now because we're so different than the way we were when he was out because we were so new to each other we were dating only a few months then. In my opinion I feel it kind of makes it worse which is why brought this point up. I wish we would've had more time in the world especially since he is facing 50 years to life if he doesn't get out we may never get that opportunity. I may never know what it is like to be with him. And I feel as though I don't have enough memories I wish I had years and years of memories to comfort me while he's gone but I don't all I have are those few months and I just try and hold onto them and replay them all the time. I just feel I found such a great love with him and it would suck to not be able to experience that too it's fullest capacity
That's why I said I had to come to terms with his length of sentence and really ask myself if it was something I could handle and deal with. In the end I enjoy him being in my life way too much as my boyfriend and my partner than not. The pros def. outweighed the cons. We discussed all sorts every aspect we could think of that may arise from him being incarcerated. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much I look at other people's relationship, or want him out here it doesn't change the fact that he is in there and he has an incredibly long sentence. It's something that an individual has to learn to accept if they are going to be in a committed relationship with someone who does have a long sentence because it creates conflict in the relationship. To really tell you the truth...I don't really feel robbed. I feel blessed. I feel amazing that I have met my boyfriend and I am glad to simply have him in my life. We work incredibly well together and we make the best of our situation. We don't feel as though we have something that's taken away from our relationship because we make sure that we add to it and look at it in a positive way. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, it's really a matter of looking at what you can handle. Yes, sometimes I get lonely but when I do I convey that to him and we work through it together. Most of the times I simply feel loved.
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Old 03-01-2015, 12:55 AM
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Originally Posted by JKB's Girl View Post
Not lately, but then we were denied again......so we wait another three years, 37 years hasn't been long enough. Right now, I don't know if I can do this for another three years, the last 10 plus years have been pretty hard.....

Tired of being caught up in limbo, trying to hold onto the hope that I might someday see him walk outside of those gates, take him to places we went long long ago, show him all the changes that have taken place in our city.

I knew when I was 15 that he was "the one" and I was right, he is "the one", but knowing this does not make it any easier. It is his smile that makes my heart light up, it is the courage that he's shown during his long incarceration that inspires me, to know that if he can keep a positive attitude in there, then surely I can make it out here......but I don't know, I just don't know.

Life continues on out here, we grow older, my kids grow older, I now have a granddaughter that takes up much of my attention. I have elderly parents to care for, the obstacles that come up are not limited to those that the prison creates.......

I am tired of feeling like hoping for a future with him is a fantasy world that we live in.....we talk of when he gets out, not "if" he gets out, but I sometimes want to scream out loud, WHEN?????

Our state has grown even more rigid about parole and I didn't think that could happen, for here, even with the positive nod of the board, a violent offender still has to be approved by the governor and this was our stumbling block, until this year. Our conservative leadership felt that the previous board was too lenient, so the DA and the governor conspired to get rid of that board and have now installed a parole board that consists of mainly ex-prosecutorial backgrounds, an ex-judge, the son of an ex-DA, an ex-cop who is married to a cop. He has been approved by the parole board every time he's gone up for the past 11 years, not this time.......I am numb......discouraged and heartily sick of this walk. Not sick of him, sick of this system that is so hard hearted it cannot see him for who he really is......it continues to punish him far beyond what it should. I don't know what more they think they can do to him, he has lost his youth, his chance for children, it has taken far more from him than they will ever realize and that can ever be measured......the punishment has been meted out to him, to me, his family......

I will eventually get off of this pity pot, just not today, probably not tomorrow.........
My friend I have no words, I am so very sorry....hug that baby girl and draw strength from that... those precious giggles keep us going through the storms... much love and prayers
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