1st Father's Day without a dad...

mamadelo · #1 06-15-2017, 02:41 PM

So due to what JC (my biological father) has done to my family I have decided to never see nor speak to him again, unless it is in court at his sentencing. With that being said I am having a really difficult time trying to process it all. I have yet to find any information on the grieving process of lossing a father who you have decided to shut out of you life. Father's day is in a few days and I don't know how to handle it. My husband will not be home (as he is gone due to work) so we won't really be getting to celebrate father's day other than church. I am sick to my stomach about wondering how sunday will go for me. I have an uncle who I have always wished was really my dad and have seen him as nothing less than a second father. Our family has gone through so many changes in the last year I just don't know what to do. I don't want to just gush all my daddy love towards my uncle and expect him to step in. I mean yes he has told me he has always seen me as his and will forever be there for me. But I don't know if I should let myself grieve the loss of who JC was to me or just move on from him with no feeling (which honestly is not going to happen). I don't know I am just so lost. My uncle and I's relationship is alittle werid as we dont talk much (he is older and loves to talk on the phone but my aniexty of small talk just slams that door shut lol) i hate JC for what he has done to our family, all the questions we don't have answers to, and the forever anger I will feel towards him.

**patchouli** · #2 06-15-2017, 04:07 PM

Absolutely allow yourself to grieve the loss of your Father. Even though JC isn't deceased, I sense a terrible terrible loss of what should have been. The grieving process is the same....family members of those in prison go through the process too.

Allow your self to be mad as hell; allow yourself to cry...and when you can, allow yourself to be happy, even laugh.

My daughter has struggled with "how to feel" on Father's Day for 25 years....her father committed suicide on Father's Day when she had just turned seven. I believe its taken all this time to finally get to the Acceptance stage

There are 5 Stages of Grief in the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross model:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm

Hopefully one day you'll be able to accept your Father into your life in at least some sort of small way. You can't carry anger with you forever, it will destroy you.

Take Care

AR1234 · #3 06-15-2017, 04:14 PM

Hello! This is my first Father's Day without my father as well, he just got his 10 year sentence in March.
It's tough going through these feelings. You feel like you shouldn't grieve since he's not technically dead, no one else understands that it DOES feel as though he's dead, etc. It causes a lot of internal confusion.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do either, honestly I've been trying not to think about it. DEFINITELY allow yourself to grieve, please please do. Other than that, do you have any other friends that will not be with their father on Father's Day? I graduated college a year ago, so I'm still around many people who do not go all the way home for Father's Day. I think I will try to get together a brunch or something to get my head out of just being angry at my dad all day.

Feel free to message me if you wish! Losing a dad without actually losing him is hard, and I am going through the same. Best wishes.

**GingerM** · #4 06-15-2017, 08:47 PM

When your father is arrested/tried/convicted/incarcerated, you do grieve.

From the psychological standpoint, it's much closer to people whose loved ones disappear than it is to a death though. Think about the people who have loved ones who go hiking and never return. It's like that. The father you thought you know has disappeared. In his place is someone who looks like your father but isn't the father you knew.

My father kept his secret for 11 years. I still grieve for the father I thought I had. I've gotten better at accepting that the man I thought I knew as my father was not who my father actually was.

Maybe on father's day, you can allow yourself to grieve, in whatever way fits you best, for the man you thought was your father, while recognizing that that man was not who your father actually was.

In short, you're grieving the loss of your image of him. That's what makes it so difficult. Your image is much harder to let go of than the person himself.

K6770 · #5 06-17-2017, 11:20 AM

My father is not incarcerated, but the level of damage he has done to his family has caused all 3 of his biological children to either cut him out of their lives or keep him at a major distance. I don't want to compare my different situation, but I did want to advise you regarding seeing your uncle as a replacement father. For 15 years I have had to look to another man as a father. I'm very thankful to have that person, but having that relationship has not lessened the pain. In some sense it's a reminder. I'm not saying you should ever see him after sentencing, but do what you can to start forgiving JC.