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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

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  #1  
Old 10-18-2016, 02:31 PM
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Default Letting go for HIS sake.

Lately, I thought about ending my relationship so hubby can enjoy being single when he gets out. He went in at 25, now he's 42 and thinking he may want a child if he gets out soon. I don't and can't if I wanted too.

Then, I think, maybe I am looking for an out for my own sake. We been together 13 years. He still has 20 - 23 to go.

Do any of you ever think about leaving for "HIM????"
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Old 10-18-2016, 02:41 PM
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Hi there, has he told you he wants to be single and have a child when he is released? Or are you just thinking that he might want those things?
It sounds like you are having doubts and that is understandable as 20 to23 years is a very long time and no one would blame you for putting yourself first.
If you want to go then go for your own happiness dont try and find reasons to for his. You have an equal right to be happy.
Have a think take your time and make the right decision for you.
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Old 10-18-2016, 02:57 PM
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He has mentioned it three times. And talked about adopting. I want no part of either really. But I want him to be happy. Yes, it's me thinking, if you want children you want to be single or with someone else.
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Old 10-18-2016, 06:48 PM
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Default Married and divorced while incarcerated

I met my wife at the sixth year of her life w/o parole. We married after three years. In 2014, after eleven years married, I divorced her. I still see her but I'm now looking for a partner/marriage on the outside. You don't have to be married to a person to support them, visit them, do all the things a spouse on the outside does. But being married, tied down as it is, prevents you taking care of yourself in an outside relationship.
A spouse in prison cannot take care of their partner outside. They themselves are in constant need for as we all know, the system is oppressive. It is definitively a one way deal.
Take care of yourself but don't forget who's inside. To each their own.
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Old 10-18-2016, 06:57 PM
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Default Married and divorced while incarcerated

I'd also say that anyone looking out that many years when they went in so young is likely to change their mind over the next several years.

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Old 10-18-2016, 07:12 PM
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[...]A spouse in prison cannot take care of their partner outside. They themselves are in constant need for as we all know, the system is oppressive. It is definitively a one way deal.
Take care of yourself but don't forget who's inside. To each their own.
I'd argue that this is highly subjective. I'm not the type to desire someone "taking care" of me in a way that says they need to be out here. And the ways in which he does care for me are numerous. Would it be nice if he could contribute to some of the more taxing aspects of our relationship? Of course and he's well aware of how that affects us.

As for the OP, it sounds as though you feel that this is headed toward a collision point, albeit rather slow and drawn out. If you're feeling the need to pull away, then be honest with him about that. If his vision of your future together and yours don't align regardless of the number of conversations around it, that would be a pretty big stumbling block for most couples-- inside or out.
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Old 10-19-2016, 02:02 AM
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If his vision of your future together and yours don't align regardless of the number of conversations around it, that would be a pretty big stumbling block for most couples-- inside or out.
I agree with this whole heartedly - regardless of the circumstance surrounding you both, it seems you have different visions with an issue that (at least to me) would be a deal breaker: he wants kids, you don't want kids. While it could be that he'll feel differently about it two decades from now (if he'll max out), neither one of you knows this now.

I can't answer your question about whether I've ever considered leaving my LO for him...I'm MWI and it's still early days, so totally different situation for me. I do wish you good luck though...and I really hope you will gain clarity for the right decision
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Old 10-19-2016, 02:19 AM
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It is funny that this thread now appeared because last night I talked to Jeff and he told me that he was called into the office and they told him that he'll be moved to a minimum facility within the next 12-18 months which means he might be getting a job outside the fence and be home on weekends eventually. After me posting a thread about "my own personal countdown" about him looking at two consecutive life sentences and 7 years until his first parole date, this seems too good to be true.
That being said and being really happy for him (and me), at the same time one thought that popped into my head was, I have to set him free then. He's still so young and would have a chance at a great life with wife and kids which I'm too old for. But then I thought.. one day at a time... nothing is happening yet but above all I want him to be happy and FREE... with our without me
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  #9  
Old 10-19-2016, 02:13 PM
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Default Exactly

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............one thought that popped into my head was, I have to set him free then. He's still so young and would have a chance at a great life with wife and kids which I'm too old for. But then I thought.. one day at a time... nothing is happening yet but above all I want him to be happy and FREE... with our without me
That's where I am. one day at a time. If it's much longer, he might change his mind, but he might not. Look at Stevie Wonder. I'm going to keep supporting him as long as I feel the need and love and see where my path takes me.

But I do take bits from all posters and like reading different POV's. Thanks guys. :-)
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Old 10-19-2016, 09:30 PM
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Default to each his own

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I'd argue that this is highly subjective.
I agree. This is highly subjective. But visualize that I went out to Washington State so my ex-wife there (the one I have kids by) could take care of me as I had major surgery.
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Old 10-19-2016, 09:43 PM
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I agree. This is highly subjective. But visualize that I went out to Washington State so my ex-wife there (the one I have kids by) could take care of me as I had major surgery.
When we choose to be with people who are in prison, particularly those with long or indefinite sentences, we owe it to them to genuinely think through what that means. When I agreed to marry my husband, I knew and accepted that he would not be able to physically be present in my daily life-- regardless of trauma or need on my part. I accepted that as a condition of our life together. For me (and I stress that this is my feeling as it applies to me), it would feel terribly selfish to turn around and tell him that this was no longer a condition I could abide by. He has no choice in it, he can't alter that condition regardless of how much he may desire it.

I understand people change and feelings change. But the condition of their freedom is pretty clear in these cases. I couldn't turn around and leave him because of it later and feel like that was fair.
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Old 10-20-2016, 07:35 AM
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When we choose to be with people who are in prison, particularly those with long or indefinite sentences, we owe it to them to genuinely think through what that means.
I totally agree. It also applies to the prisoner, thus, both parties. I feel the need to examine my own conduct if for no other reason than my former wife's children were a major factor in our marriage. But this needs to be said in a blog so I'll go there. Thanks.
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Old 05-26-2018, 11:33 PM
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Default Interesting Question

My love has been incarcerated since he was age 21 and he is now age 39. He may be paroled in 2021, which will mean he has 20 years of prison life. Or, he may have to serve the entire 40 years, which will make him approx. age 62.

He says he is ready and wanting a monogamous relationship, but only HE will know if he can handle that once he is out, in the free world, with all of this available pussy.

So, as much as I want to be his wife and fuck the dog shit out of him, I want him to be READY for me; and I think it's wise to let him feel the free world to see if I am the only one he wants. So in a sense, yes, I would let him go, for HIM, but more for ME. To expect him to come out and run into my arms with no thought of another woman, is strange, at best.
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Old 05-27-2018, 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by MissOne View Post
He has mentioned it three times. And talked about adopting. I want no part of either really. But I want him to be happy. Yes, it's me thinking, if you want children you want to be single or with someone else.
Adopting will be out for him too since he has a criminal record.
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Old 07-21-2018, 12:46 PM
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Default TAKE CARE is subjective

Quote:
Originally Posted by TBMc View Post
You don't have to be married to a person to support them, visit them, do all the things a spouse on the outside does. But being married, tied down as it is, prevents you taking care of yourself in an outside relationship.
A spouse in prison cannot take care of their partner outside. They themselves are in constant need for as we all know, the system is oppressive. It is definitively a one way deal.
Take care of yourself but don't forget who's inside. To each their own.
UPDATE:
Th is is where I am today. It is astonishing that it has been two years since I first felt the need to move pass my relationship, marriage and my friend. It was good to read all the old replies and if any of you are still here, I send you my thanks again for your comments.
If any of the newbies have comments on the original post, I welcome them.
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Last edited by MissOne; 07-21-2018 at 12:48 PM.. Reason: Add subject
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Old 07-21-2018, 02:03 PM
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20-23 isn't getting out soon??? And by that time he will be into his 60's so how could he even consider having a child.
IMO at this point with that many years left I would say your looking to just get out of the relationship. Do what's best for you.
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Old 07-23-2018, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
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UPDATE:
Th is is where I am today. It is astonishing that it has been two years since I first felt the need to move pass my relationship, marriage and my friend. It was good to read all the old replies and if any of you are still here, I send you my thanks again for your comments.
If any of the newbies have comments on the original post, I welcome them.
How are you doing now since you have walked away from the relationship? Do you talk with him these days?
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