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  #51  
Old 02-29-2012, 02:52 PM
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My son isn't new to the prison system, so much of what has been said here is nothing new to hear. Prison is not a place you want to be, but I often wonder if when our LO's do get out it would help for them to read some of what they have written while inside? I know my son tells me how dirty and hard it is to be there, yet he goes back. I want to give him some of the letters he has written as a deterrent, but somehow I think they forget after awhile how bad it really was.
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  #52  
Old 02-29-2012, 05:22 PM
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Quote:
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I wanna print this off and share it with him because I feel like thats excatly how he feels
Feel free i dont mind at all
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  #53  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:08 PM
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Thx so much
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  #54  
Old 02-29-2012, 08:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wickzfinest727
Okay so im gonna write this here not sure if its in the right thread but this is a poem that my man wrote me about the way he sees life behind bars honestly this made my skin crawl an had me crying like a baby sorry its so long in advance !!

how do i say it?... that which i want to have someone special beyond these walls... noone can ever know.. noone who hasent been in blues, or a faceless numbered nothing. i cant tell them but i can try. im going to be different when i get out...ill never be the same. and i want someone to understand..

understand that if i feel hostile and defensive, it is because every thing of my gray world is a threat to the soft , mellow secret things i keep inside me. i cannot trot out gentleness, because in my world nothing is gentle. i cant show kindness because kindness is a weakness in my world, and to be weak is to invite more hurt. i dare not exhibit love because in my world, the bars an constent locked doors would rip it to bloody shreds. i cannot bring forth or demonstrate my lonleyness or hungers because they have become a bone deep ache that cant be reached or soothed. you have to know...

to know that while other young men my age grew up watching new borns grow into healthy youngsters, i grew up watching healthy youngsters having their guts and minds twisted and ripped and being turned into emotional cipples. while the young men you knew were learning there trades, i was listening to the cries of 1.000's of men in a human zoo. dont pity me. i dont want anyones pitty. just understand me....understand me and the way i changed inside when they stripped away my identity and self respect. changed day after day by being treated like an idiot child and being forced to live every type of human direlict. changed by the indiquity of being forced to scurry like a mindless fool everytime a guards voice barked or a bell rang. never being able to escape the guards uncaring or hostile eyes, living in a fish bowl. where you cant even squat on a toilet without an audience. can you begin to see the shell forming. the first of many collapsed layers of rigid resistance that serves as a protector of this human warmth and sensitivity necessary for sanity... can you begin to see how being stripped naked and having the guards degrading you in everyway, can leave wounds on pride and dignity that are a long time healing and leave ugly scars! can you understand that in the face of constent assault of personalitys, i am forced to turn of my emotional faucet, dry up all the full range of feelings for love, compassion, indignation, repugnance, or lose my mind?! i survive by playing a role, acting out a part for indifferent eyes. hidding what i really am away from the contamination of this soul sick world. i became tough, hardened and cold because my world demands it! tough, hardened an cold until night comes... i lay there an think with my emotions boiling inside me,always inside. inside where no one else can see. i ride an emotional roller coaster. when i come out can you accept the restlessness of a bird newly released from a cage? accept my clumsiness until i learn hot to act with real world people? accept blunt honesty when i awkwardly try to reasure you?! can you really know that i dont hear the drum beat to which most men march their lives to. that the master drummer of my destiny is as old as time and demands of me a more complicated step! can you know the kind of man i am down deep inside when the first steel gate slammed shut. seperating me from good, warm, kind an tender. where dreams of honest laughter are born, and die because they cant find an escape an cannot be shared . where the back breaking lonliness is housed, trying to claw its way out hoping someone will find there way in. this faceless numbered man in blue cant bare the exquisite hurt of wanting, for that special someone ...because i have seen the strength of the double damned and twice cursed souls who have no one beyond these walls...!
Oh,wow... this so brought tears to my eyes. Wish more people would see this. So,many people think these guys aren't human.

pixy p loves & misses her werewolf
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:53 PM
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Excatly no one knows truly till they have been apart of this thats why I love this website everyone knows what ur going through how tuff it is and all the other emotions that cone along
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  #56  
Old 02-29-2012, 11:28 PM
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my heart...my heart was in pain reading this.
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  #57  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
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my heart...my heart was in pain reading this.
its sad but also good to know what they feel, glad you read it!!
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  #58  
Old 04-27-2012, 11:22 PM
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This makes me wanna go steal my Darren outa that cold cruel mean place and just hold him tight right now and never ever let him go.... It kills me to think of him feeling like that. reading stuff like this makes me love my man even more though... Thanks for posting
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  #59  
Old 04-28-2012, 04:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wickzfinest727
Okay so im gonna write this here not sure if its in the right thread but this is a poem that my man wrote me about the way he sees life behind bars honestly this made my skin crawl an had me crying like a baby sorry its so long in advance !!

how do i say it?... that which i want to have someone special beyond these walls... noone can ever know.. noone who hasent been in blues, or a faceless numbered nothing. i cant tell them but i can try. im going to be different when i get out...ill never be the same. and i want someone to understand..

understand that if i feel hostile and defensive, it is because every thing of my gray world is a threat to the soft , mellow secret things i keep inside me. i cannot trot out gentleness, because in my world nothing is gentle. i cant show kindness because kindness is a weakness in my world, and to be weak is to invite more hurt. i dare not exhibit love because in my world, the bars an constent locked doors would rip it to bloody shreds. i cannot bring forth or demonstrate my lonleyness or hungers because they have become a bone deep ache that cant be reached or soothed. you have to know...

to know that while other young men my age grew up watching new borns grow into healthy youngsters, i grew up watching healthy youngsters having their guts and minds twisted and ripped and being turned into emotional cipples. while the young men you knew were learning there trades, i was listening to the cries of 1.000's of men in a human zoo. dont pity me. i dont want anyones pitty. just understand me....understand me and the way i changed inside when they stripped away my identity and self respect. changed day after day by being treated like an idiot child and being forced to live every type of human direlict. changed by the indiquity of being forced to scurry like a mindless fool everytime a guards voice barked or a bell rang. never being able to escape the guards uncaring or hostile eyes, living in a fish bowl. where you cant even squat on a toilet without an audience. can you begin to see the shell forming. the first of many collapsed layers of rigid resistance that serves as a protector of this human warmth and sensitivity necessary for sanity... can you begin to see how being stripped naked and having the guards degrading you in everyway, can leave wounds on pride and dignity that are a long time healing and leave ugly scars! can you understand that in the face of constent assault of personalitys, i am forced to turn of my emotional faucet, dry up all the full range of feelings for love, compassion, indignation, repugnance, or lose my mind?! i survive by playing a role, acting out a part for indifferent eyes. hidding what i really am away from the contamination of this soul sick world. i became tough, hardened and cold because my world demands it! tough, hardened an cold until night comes... i lay there an think with my emotions boiling inside me,always inside. inside where no one else can see. i ride an emotional roller coaster. when i come out can you accept the restlessness of a bird newly released from a cage? accept my clumsiness until i learn hot to act with real world people? accept blunt honesty when i awkwardly try to reasure you?! can you really know that i dont hear the drum beat to which most men march their lives to. that the master drummer of my destiny is as old as time and demands of me a more complicated step! can you know the kind of man i am down deep inside when the first steel gate slammed shut. seperating me from good, warm, kind an tender. where dreams of honest laughter are born, and die because they cant find an escape an cannot be shared . where the back breaking lonliness is housed, trying to claw its way out hoping someone will find there way in. this faceless numbered man in blue cant bare the exquisite hurt of wanting, for that special someone ...because i have seen the strength of the double damned and twice cursed souls who have no one beyond these walls...!
This totally blew me away.... It has opened my eyes to things I couldn't see coming out of the little ways my husband has acted... The tone of his voice that I knew has changed even... He has hardened.... He still has that that I fell in love with at every visit but I feel his incarcerated self on the phone. I do worry about how things will b when he's released but it's something we will just have to work with and accept for what has happened can't b change... He is a incarcerated man!!!!! I love him and will accept him and together we will fix each other..... For prison life affects everyone its super hard for the inmate plus the ones who loves them.....
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  #60  
Old 04-28-2012, 07:20 PM
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Dang, i'm in tears!!!
Thanks wickz for sharing!!!!!
It really makes me think, when he comes home,,,how they are treating in there. It sad but true. Guards are like vulture,,,,no meat out they friendly,,,the minute meat comes out they have to show their macho side, but if this world they are just scums....people who watch others get naked, takes bm, searches over their bodies. Think about who would want a job like this,,,,not me!!!!
Thanks so much for sharing wickz
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  #61  
Old 04-29-2012, 09:42 AM
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As the "clinical" sounding person pointed out there ARE good CO's. If more compassionate, caring people took those jobs instead of hateful son's wanting a "legal" avenue for cruelty and even psychotic behavior....maybe the prison system wouldn't have to be so much of hell on earth??!!! Guards who are abusive unnecessarily should be wearing the blue/orange themselves, not patted on the back and paid above average salaries!!! MY opinion!
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  #62  
Old 06-04-2012, 11:07 AM
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Thank you for sharing and making us all think. I think sometimes it is easy to get wrapped up in how we feel and personally going through that we need an eye opener.

Thank you
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:15 AM
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I am truely at a loss for words. Thank you both so much for sharing. It kinda starts to make ya think, just how hard things are for them. Made me tear up thats for sure.
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  #64  
Old 06-07-2012, 10:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsRoux2B
I am truely at a loss for words. Thank you both so much for sharing. It kinda starts to make ya think, just how hard things are for them. Made me tear up thats for sure.
Yes it broke my heart to hear it but he's also been away for ten years so he's endured a lot through his sentence but you are very welcome this site has made it so much easier knowing everyone's going through the same thing as me so I'm glad to share anything!
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Old 06-14-2012, 11:13 PM
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I totally understands how he feels. I was incarcerated for a little while too myself. And as a result my guy is still in. And it really changes your outlook on life. To have so little and have everything taken away from you.. to see the streets again its like a blessing.
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  #66  
Old 06-19-2012, 08:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsRoux2B
I am truely at a loss for words. Thank you both so much for sharing. It kinda starts to make ya think, just how hard things are for them. Made me tear up thats for sure.
For all the bad there is a blessing u just gotta open up and see..... Tears r not always bad  although incarceration is hard and disrupts so many lives I look back at my husband and he was really needing a wake up call & I think this was the only way God could get him to listen... Now my husband sees his wrongs & is working super hard at making his self a better person not only for his self but most importantly for his two sons.... When we visit him he takes the time now to talk to & LISTEN!!!!!!!! I think when he got arrested and was looking at a lot of time it kinda woke us both up to seeing the important things in life again by scareing the crap out of us with the fear we could b losing are family but by the grace of God he is hopefully on the down hill slope now after serving 3 yrs he is looking to go up for parole next year so KEEPING FINGERS CROSSED 
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Old 06-19-2012, 09:32 AM
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Thank you both for posting this, I was very moved
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wickzfinest727
Okay so im gonna write this here not sure if its in the right thread but this is a poem that my man wrote me about the way he sees life behind bars honestly this made my skin crawl an had me crying like a baby sorry its so long in advance !!

how do i say it?... that which i want to have someone special beyond these walls... noone can ever know.. noone who hasent been in blues, or a faceless numbered nothing. i cant tell them but i can try. im going to be different when i get out...ill never be the same. and i want someone to understand..

understand that if i feel hostile and defensive, it is because every thing of my gray world is a threat to the soft , mellow secret things i keep inside me. i cannot trot out gentleness, because in my world nothing is gentle. i cant show kindness because kindness is a weakness in my world, and to be weak is to invite more hurt. i dare not exhibit love because in my world, the bars an constent locked doors would rip it to bloody shreds. i cannot bring forth or demonstrate my lonleyness or hungers because they have become a bone deep ache that cant be reached or soothed. you have to know...

to know that while other young men my age grew up watching new borns grow into healthy youngsters, i grew up watching healthy youngsters having their guts and minds twisted and ripped and being turned into emotional cipples. while the young men you knew were learning there trades, i was listening to the cries of 1.000's of men in a human zoo. dont pity me. i dont want anyones pitty. just understand me....understand me and the way i changed inside when they stripped away my identity and self respect. changed day after day by being treated like an idiot child and being forced to live every type of human direlict. changed by the indiquity of being forced to scurry like a mindless fool everytime a guards voice barked or a bell rang. never being able to escape the guards uncaring or hostile eyes, living in a fish bowl. where you cant even squat on a toilet without an audience. can you begin to see the shell forming. the first of many collapsed layers of rigid resistance that serves as a protector of this human warmth and sensitivity necessary for sanity... can you begin to see how being stripped naked and having the guards degrading you in everyway, can leave wounds on pride and dignity that are a long time healing and leave ugly scars! can you understand that in the face of constent assault of personalitys, i am forced to turn of my emotional faucet, dry up all the full range of feelings for love, compassion, indignation, repugnance, or lose my mind?! i survive by playing a role, acting out a part for indifferent eyes. hidding what i really am away from the contamination of this soul sick world. i became tough, hardened and cold because my world demands it! tough, hardened an cold until night comes... i lay there an think with my emotions boiling inside me,always inside. inside where no one else can see. i ride an emotional roller coaster. when i come out can you accept the restlessness of a bird newly released from a cage? accept my clumsiness until i learn hot to act with real world people? accept blunt honesty when i awkwardly try to reasure you?! can you really know that i dont hear the drum beat to which most men march their lives to. that the master drummer of my destiny is as old as time and demands of me a more complicated step! can you know the kind of man i am down deep inside when the first steel gate slammed shut. seperating me from good, warm, kind an tender. where dreams of honest laughter are born, and die because they cant find an escape an cannot be shared . where the back breaking lonliness is housed, trying to claw its way out hoping someone will find there way in. this faceless numbered man in blue cant bare the exquisite hurt of wanting, for that special someone ...because i have seen the strength of the double damned and twice cursed souls who have no one beyond these walls...!
Thank you for sharing this and just wanted you and your man to know it has touched my soul and as I prepare for my sons home coming I am keeping your posted words in mind and please know those words will help my son and I as we rebuild our lives together. It is few that can bring to words what prison life is like. Blessings !!
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  #69  
Old 07-07-2012, 08:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FastCarGirl
I think what your honey wrote was very moving and heartfelt.

I also think it was a tiny bit self-serving. Because if you want to, there are pockets of well....almost normalcy, if one chooses to find it.

He doesn't talk about the staff that actually do care. Or the card games. Or the pet programs. It's hard to be all thug with a puppy. Or in my guy's case, a guinea pig, which he got to bring home with him. And had his whole unit calling one of the baby guinea pigs "Mr. Snooterpup" because his nose was just so cute!

Hardly the actions of guys who aren't able to laugh, have fun and let their guard down, for even a minute. Prison is a very hard and cold place....but there are pockets of warmth to be had. You just have to be willing to go out and find them...or create them for yourself.
Yes, there are pockets of normalcy, I'd say this is a poetic approach to the darkness though. Very little human touch and emotional efficacy would often result in a deep loneliness that most men would struggle to express at all, let alone put into such amazing wording. I congratulate him for being able to express himself so well through writing. Took great courage.
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Old 07-07-2012, 08:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wickzfinest727
Okay so im gonna write this here not sure if its in the right thread but this is a poem that my man wrote me about the way he sees life behind bars honestly this made my skin crawl an had me crying like a baby sorry its so long in advance !!

how do i say it?... that which i want to have someone special beyond these walls... noone can ever know.. noone who hasent been in blues, or a faceless numbered nothing. i cant tell them but i can try. im going to be different when i get out...ill never be the same. and i want someone to understand..

understand that if i feel hostile and defensive, it is because every thing of my gray world is a threat to the soft , mellow secret things i keep inside me. i cannot trot out gentleness, because in my world nothing is gentle. i cant show kindness because kindness is a weakness in my world, and to be weak is to invite more hurt. i dare not exhibit love because in my world, the bars an constent locked doors would rip it to bloody shreds. i cannot bring forth or demonstrate my lonleyness or hungers because they have become a bone deep ache that cant be reached or soothed. you have to know...

to know that while other young men my age grew up watching new borns grow into healthy youngsters, i grew up watching healthy youngsters having their guts and minds twisted and ripped and being turned into emotional cipples. while the young men you knew were learning there trades, i was listening to the cries of 1.000's of men in a human zoo. dont pity me. i dont want anyones pitty. just understand me....understand me and the way i changed inside when they stripped away my identity and self respect. changed day after day by being treated like an idiot child and being forced to live every type of human direlict. changed by the indiquity of being forced to scurry like a mindless fool everytime a guards voice barked or a bell rang. never being able to escape the guards uncaring or hostile eyes, living in a fish bowl. where you cant even squat on a toilet without an audience. can you begin to see the shell forming. the first of many collapsed layers of rigid resistance that serves as a protector of this human warmth and sensitivity necessary for sanity... can you begin to see how being stripped naked and having the guards degrading you in everyway, can leave wounds on pride and dignity that are a long time healing and leave ugly scars! can you understand that in the face of constent assault of personalitys, i am forced to turn of my emotional faucet, dry up all the full range of feelings for love, compassion, indignation, repugnance, or lose my mind?! i survive by playing a role, acting out a part for indifferent eyes. hidding what i really am away from the contamination of this soul sick world. i became tough, hardened and cold because my world demands it! tough, hardened an cold until night comes... i lay there an think with my emotions boiling inside me,always inside. inside where no one else can see. i ride an emotional roller coaster. when i come out can you accept the restlessness of a bird newly released from a cage? accept my clumsiness until i learn hot to act with real world people? accept blunt honesty when i awkwardly try to reasure you?! can you really know that i dont hear the drum beat to which most men march their lives to. that the master drummer of my destiny is as old as time and demands of me a more complicated step! can you know the kind of man i am down deep inside when the first steel gate slammed shut. seperating me from good, warm, kind an tender. where dreams of honest laughter are born, and die because they cant find an escape an cannot be shared . where the back breaking lonliness is housed, trying to claw its way out hoping someone will find there way in. this faceless numbered man in blue cant bare the exquisite hurt of wanting, for that special someone ...because i have seen the strength of the double damned and twice cursed souls who have no one beyond these walls...!
Wow. That's some amazing revealing through his writing right there. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of his heart!
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:00 PM
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Wow. That's some amazing revealing through his writing right there. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of his heart!
No problem were glad to share
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by supportafriend

Yes, there are pockets of normalcy, I'd say this is a poetic approach to the darkness though. Very little human touch and emotional efficacy would often result in a deep loneliness that most men would struggle to express at all, let alone put into such amazing wording. I congratulate him for being able to express himself so well through writing. Took great courage.
This depends on where you are. In mass doc theres no cards cus cards create gambling. We dont have a pet program, you can barely get visits. Right now my man is on lockdown, has been for two weeks. Just started on wednesday letting them out to shower and make phone calls every other day. Thats an entire prison full of grown men in 90 degree heat with no shower for a week. They cant have specific things on canteen because people will make booz with either the sugar or the fruit or even the bread cus carbs r sugar.
So not everywhere is it easy. If someone calls you a punk and you dont punch him in the face, someone will come to ur cell that night and make u their punk. Its a sad sad place.
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:05 PM
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Now i feel bad reading this cus sometimes i give my fiance shit ya know. Its always something and i get aggravated ya know. But i do try to understand its just ive never been there so i dont have a clue. And he doesnt like to talk about it, he had some tough experiences the first time and he was so young, only 17 going into a max prison, that it molded who he is as a person. He always thinks everyone is out to get him, never turns his back on a room full of people and god forbid you ever wake him from a dead sleep! Haha! I had to explain to the nurse when my son was born not to wake him cus he has ptsd and he will wake up swinging. His first bid was 6 years and now hes doing 5-7 and im scared for him. Theyve been on lockdown cus someone stabbed an officer in the neck.
But i love him unconditionally, and i write often and send pictures all the time. And i make it to almost every visit he has
But sometimes he needs to understand me too. Im out here on my own with 2 baby boys, working a shitty ass job and i have no family around to help. Plenty of family that comes to me when they need help but no one to help me. Its not easy. And its pretty damn lonely. Not so bad when im workin, or im takin care of the boys. But at night, when the kids r asleep and im in bed by myself dreaming of him. Its pretty lonely.
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Old 07-08-2012, 04:13 PM
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wickzfinest727 wickzfinest727 is offline
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Originally Posted by Kcouture7
Now i feel bad reading this cus sometimes i give my fiance shit ya know. Its always something and i get aggravated ya know. But i do try to understand its just ive never been there so i dont have a clue. And he doesnt like to talk about it, he had some tough experiences the first time and he was so young, only 17 going into a max prison, that it molded who he is as a person. He always thinks everyone is out to get him, never turns his back on a room full of people and god forbid you ever wake him from a dead sleep! Haha! I had to explain to the nurse when my son was born not to wake him cus he has ptsd and he will wake up swinging. His first bid was 6 years and now hes doing 5-7 and im scared for him. Theyve been on lockdown cus someone stabbed an officer in the neck.
But i love him unconditionally, and i write often and send pictures all the time. And i make it to almost every visit he has
But sometimes he needs to understand me too. Im out here on my own with 2 baby boys, working a shitty ass job and i have no family around to help. Plenty of family that comes to me when they need help but no one to help me. Its not easy. And its pretty damn lonely. Not so bad when im workin, or im takin care of the boys. But at night, when the kids r asleep and im in bed by myself dreaming of him. Its pretty lonely.
Well it is hard I can't relate to the kids but my love is serving ten an if your man did 6 an is like that I'm scared to see what he comes home like its the uncertainty that kills me but props to you for being such an amazing girl an mother you will be rewarded in the end for it keep your head up an I'm always here if you need someone to talk to
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:50 PM
Kcouture7 Kcouture7 is offline
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Originally Posted by wickzfinest727

Well it is hard I can't relate to the kids but my love is serving ten an if your man did 6 an is like that I'm scared to see what he comes home like its the uncertainty that kills me but props to you for being such an amazing girl an mother you will be rewarded in the end for it keep your head up an I'm always here if you need someone to talk to
When i talk to him now, its like i have my chad back. Hes not on drugs hes not doin anythin dumb hes focused on coming home.
And i know its not easy, and its gonna be hard for me to trust him again when he comes home. But the way i look at it is like this. I have just a few short years to turn my life around, for me and my boys. I started to go down a path with him that was leading me no where. And if he comes home and just goes back to the way things were before i need to know that i can be self sufficient, with or without him.
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