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Letters & Stories from Inmates & X-Cons Post all letters, stories and information from inmates and ex-convicts here. Share their perspective with the rest of us who have not been on the inside.

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  #1  
Old 01-06-2012, 07:46 PM
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Okay so im gonna write this here not sure if its in the right thread but this is a poem that my man wrote me about the way he sees life behind bars honestly this made my skin crawl an had me crying like a baby sorry its so long in advance !!


how do i say it?... that which i want to have someone special beyond these walls... noone can ever know.. noone who hasent been in blues, or a faceless numbered nothing. i cant tell them but i can try. im going to be different when i get out...ill never be the same. and i want someone to understand..

understand that if i feel hostile and defensive, it is because every thing of my gray world is a threat to the soft , mellow secret things i keep inside me. i cannot trot out gentleness, because in my world nothing is gentle. i cant show kindness because kindness is a weakness in my world, and to be weak is to invite more hurt. i dare not exhibit love because in my world, the bars an constent locked doors would rip it to bloody shreds. i cannot bring forth or demonstrate my lonleyness or hungers because they have become a bone deep ache that cant be reached or soothed. you have to know...

to know that while other young men my age grew up watching new borns grow into healthy youngsters, i grew up watching healthy youngsters having their guts and minds twisted and ripped and being turned into emotional cipples. while the young men you knew were learning there trades, i was listening to the cries of 1.000's of men in a human zoo. dont pity me. i dont want anyones pitty. just understand me....understand me and the way i changed inside when they stripped away my identity and self respect. changed day after day by being treated like an idiot child and being forced to live every type of human direlict. changed by the indiquity of being forced to scurry like a mindless fool everytime a guards voice barked or a bell rang. never being able to escape the guards uncaring or hostile eyes, living in a fish bowl. where you cant even squat on a toilet without an audience. can you begin to see the shell forming. the first of many collapsed layers of rigid resistance that serves as a protector of this human warmth and sensitivity necessary for sanity... can you begin to see how being stripped naked and having the guards degrading you in everyway, can leave wounds on pride and dignity that are a long time healing and leave ugly scars! can you understand that in the face of constent assault of personalitys, i am forced to turn of my emotional faucet, dry up all the full range of feelings for love, compassion, indignation, repugnance, or lose my mind?! i survive by playing a role, acting out a part for indifferent eyes. hidding what i really am away from the contamination of this soul sick world. i became tough, hardened and cold because my world demands it! tough, hardened an cold until night comes... i lay there an think with my emotions boiling inside me,always inside. inside where no one else can see. i ride an emotional roller coaster. when i come out can you accept the restlessness of a bird newly released from a cage? accept my clumsiness until i learn hot to act with real world people? accept blunt honesty when i awkwardly try to reasure you?! can you really know that i dont hear the drum beat to which most men march their lives to. that the master drummer of my destiny is as old as time and demands of me a more complicated step! can you know the kind of man i am down deep inside when the first steel gate slammed shut. seperating me from good, warm, kind an tender. where dreams of honest laughter are born, and die because they cant find an escape an cannot be shared . where the back breaking lonliness is housed, trying to claw its way out hoping someone will find there way in. this faceless numbered man in blue cant bare the exquisite hurt of wanting, for that special someone ...because i have seen the strength of the double damned and twice cursed souls who have no one beyond these walls...!
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  #2  
Old 01-06-2012, 07:55 PM
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That is hardcore... and sad. It makes me think of my husband and I am sure he feel pretty darn close to the same! It's a rough situation and all we can do is be there for our love ones while they are locked up and when they come home. I can't imagine how alone my husband must be... brings tears to my eyes but we have to be strong from them and let them know, we are trying to understand but we are here for you to lean on!
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Last edited by rose80; 01-06-2012 at 08:01 PM..
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:00 PM
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That was deep!
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:05 PM
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Wow!! I give him props for being able to tell it how it is...I'm sure it goes alot deeper than that even. This post helped open my eyes to A LOT! it helped me understand even more. Thanks to both of you!!
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:09 PM
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Yikes.....that's rough. Thanks for sharing

Sent from my iPad using PrisonTalk
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rose80
That is hardcore... and sad. It makes me think of my husband and I am sure he feel pretty darn close to the same! It's a rough situation and all we can do is be there for our love ones while they are locked up and when they come home. I can't imagine how alone my husband must be... brings tears to my eyes but we have to be strong from them and let them know, we are trying to understand but we are here for you to lean on!
Thanks this site makes things 100x better. Just be sure to stay consistant with communication thats the only thing that gets my babe thru
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeshard
Wow!! I give him props for being able to tell it how it is...I'm sure it goes alot deeper than that even. This post helped open my eyes to A LOT! it helped me understand even more. Thanks to both of you!!
No problem anything to help otgers tge way ive been helped her on pto
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:30 PM
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Wow ...... I cried with that....I miss my baby
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:37 PM
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Thank you so much for sharing this unforgettable work of art. I am in tears right now. All that I can say is "wow".
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisoka
Thank you so much for sharing this unforgettable work of art. I am in tears right now. All that I can say is "wow".
Aww i know its sad. I cried but ive always wanted him to keep it open about his feelings an what hes going thru! ill share anything
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:48 PM
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Yep, I shed some tears too. Your man is gifted, that was a very dark yet vivid description.
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wickzfinest727

Thanks this site makes things 100x better. Just be sure to stay consistant with communication thats the only thing that gets my babe thru

Thank u reminded me on how I'm slipping, on mail call.
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Old 01-06-2012, 09:22 PM
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Thank you so much to you for posting it and him for writing it and be willing to share that! That was very deep, touching, and thought-provoking.
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Old 01-06-2012, 09:40 PM
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its sad but also good to know how they truly feel thru this bid!
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Old 01-06-2012, 10:18 PM
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Sad...........i miss my baby..............
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Old 01-06-2012, 11:20 PM
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Straight from the heart he wrote that for a sad and twisted world that is inside prisons and for our loved ones who live in it everyday for my heart breaks knowing that it is just that way so dark and sad and full of anger and rage ... Thank You for sharing ...
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Old 01-07-2012, 12:10 AM
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I think what your honey wrote was very moving and heartfelt.

I also think it was a tiny bit self-serving. Because if you want to, there are pockets of well....almost normalcy, if one chooses to find it.

He doesn't talk about the staff that actually do care. Or the card games. Or the pet programs. It's hard to be all thug with a puppy. Or in my guy's case, a guinea pig, which he got to bring home with him. And had his whole unit calling one of the baby guinea pigs "Mr. Snooterpup" because his nose was just so cute!

Hardly the actions of guys who aren't able to laugh, have fun and let their guard down, for even a minute. Prison is a very hard and cold place....but there are pockets of warmth to be had. You just have to be willing to go out and find them...or create them for yourself.
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Old 01-07-2012, 07:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FastCarGirl
I think what your honey wrote was very moving and heartfelt.

I also think it was a tiny bit self-serving. Because if you want to, there are pockets of well....almost normalcy, if one chooses to find it.

He doesn't talk about the staff that actually do care. Or the card games. Or the pet programs. It's hard to be all thug with a puppy. Or in my guy's case, a guinea pig, which he got to bring home with him. And had his whole unit calling one of the baby guinea pigs "Mr. Snooterpup" because his nose was just so cute!

Hardly the actions of guys who aren't able to laugh, have fun and let their guard down, for even a minute. Prison is a very hard and cold place....but there are pockets of warmth to be had. You just have to be willing to go out and find them...or create them for yourself.
"Self-serving" wow really if you notice & read @ the beginning of her post "my honey wrote a poem on a stand point from HIS eyes! How is that self serving when it's his, feelings, what he feels, what he has - endured? I'm glad ur husband has experienced guinea pigs,& go CO's but maybe this ONE individual hasn't for whatever reason. I think that he is doing a great job opening up starting from somewhere REAL TALK! Ladies we can't knock someone elses shoes unless we filled then. Are u a CO or former for u to judge this feelings of some 1 thats gone & going through his eyes?
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FastCarGirl View Post
I think what your honey wrote was very moving and heartfelt.

I also think it was a tiny bit self-serving. Because if you want to, there are pockets of well....almost normalcy, if one chooses to find it.

He doesn't talk about the staff that actually do care. Or the card games. Or the pet programs. It's hard to be all thug with a puppy. Or in my guy's case, a guinea pig, which he got to bring home with him. And had his whole unit calling one of the baby guinea pigs "Mr. Snooterpup" because his nose was just so cute!

Hardly the actions of guys who aren't able to laugh, have fun and let their guard down, for even a minute. Prison is a very hard and cold place....but there are pockets of warmth to be had. You just have to be willing to go out and find them...or create them for yourself.
I take it Frankie is not doing 24-7 in shu,locked down his whole bid for being a "validated gang member".
Those warm places are harder to find in a tiny cell with almost no real human contact,where even if you are fortunate enough to get a visit it is only and hour,behind "glass" and every word is recorded.
No huggs,long mail delays,no really chance for "reform" ,all due to "administrative" reasons.
Now don't get me wrong,some of those guys in there are "rule breakers" and do need more "structure" than others,but they get treated pretty harshly and if they come out even more angry,there is a good reason for that.
If they break the rules,I do think they deserve "sanctions" but to punish them for precieved potential future bad acts is just wrong in my opinion.
I hope you and Frankie have a long and wonderful future together,the sooner the better
I have enjoyed hearing about your journey and wish you both the very best life has to offer
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:21 AM
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I read it twice just to make sure i understood things clearly..That was deep, and it made me miss my boo more. I just wish time could pass quicker and he'd be here sooner.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wickzfinest727 View Post
Thanks this site makes things 100x better. Just be sure to stay consistant with communication thats the only thing that gets my babe thru
I totally do... I write my man plus send out sometimes two times a day, everyday, emails through jpay. It is the only thing as well that gets him through the next day as well as me
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:51 AM
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My man has been down since he was only 16 years old; its been 28 years now. He tells me all of the time that he will need time to decompress like the soldiers coming home from war. He has barred himself from emotions and feelings for so long that he doesn't know how to react to some things now. He puts his feelings and emotions into a basket to deal with later. It is so sad that there are millions of men and women going through such barbaric conditions in a free country such as USA. I just keep praying that one day soon we will wake up and this nightmare will be in the past. Lord help us all!
(Thank you for the post OP; it was very enlightening!)
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:08 AM
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I am not BS'ing you, that is some of the best writing I've seen in a very long time!! Impressive. As an amateur writer myself I can tell you every bit of the author is in there. Thanks for sharing it.
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:44 AM
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Thank you all he jus wanted to put on paper in a nut shell what he has endured since hes been gone he has a 10 yr sentence that hes served 5 of so far im not saying its all negetive he has somethings he enjoys no Guinea pigs or anything like that hes very close with a few guards but you have to understand hes been to all different facilities so its about the rought times during his bid. He has me an is also in work camp now an working outside the gates but thats about the only thing he still cant show an act like hes the happiest man alive that draws attention he just doesent want but thanks to all of you that enjoyed it
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky's Wifey

"Self-serving" wow really if you notice & read @ the beginning of her post "my honey wrote a poem on a stand point from HIS eyes! How is that self serving when it's his, feelings, what he feels, what he has - endured? I'm glad ur husband has experienced guinea pigs,& go CO's but maybe this ONE individual hasn't for whatever reason. I think that he is doing a great job opening up starting from somewhere REAL TALK! Ladies we can't knock someone elses shoes unless we filled then. Are u a CO or former for u to judge this feelings of some 1 thats gone & going through his eyes?
Thank you but everyone is entitled to their OPINIONS...each person is different an has delt with there incarcaration in different was no two ppl are the same but thank you for seeing it through my eyes
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