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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: Is He just using you?
Yes, I feel that way! Ughhh! 67 6.99%
No, he would never do that to me! 572 59.65%
Maybe, I would hurt to find that out! 269 28.05%
I wouldn't care because I'm just pasting time anyway! 13 1.36%
Both 3 & 4 38 3.96%
Voters: 959. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 11-01-2010, 08:25 PM
CupCakeLove CupCakeLove is offline
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Default Is he just using you?

I know that some of you ladies have been with your man before he got locked up, but some of you haven't. Do any of you ever feel like you're being used? I have talked with a few inmates and they point out the women they call "fools" because they are being used & when they leave, another girl comes to see the same man. I don't think that is right to do somebody like that. Are you being used? Are you spending your time loving someone that has no intentions on being true to you? It's just a question...

I just don't feel that people should be naive, but sometimes we are. I have talked with a few women that feels like their man is just using them and I hate it for them because they are good women.

Last edited by CupCakeLove; 11-01-2010 at 08:51 PM..
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  #2  
Old 11-01-2010, 08:32 PM
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Would anyone wait if they thought they were being used? I don't really understand the question behind this post.

For my relationship we 'use' each other pretty equally. Right now mainly for emotional support.

At the end of the day everyone just wants to be loved and those that 'use' women/men from prison have bigger problems than the women that are being used.
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  #3  
Old 11-01-2010, 08:36 PM
CupCakeLove CupCakeLove is offline
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Default I'm sorry!!

I thought that the question was pretty simple, so I do apologize. The question was: Do you feel like the inmate may be using you for money, time, letters, or anything else that he can get. I talked to a few women that felt they were being used, but didn't want to move on or didn't want to confront him with that...

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Originally Posted by GinaH View Post
Would anyone wait if they thought they were being used? I don't really understand the question behind this post.

For my relationship we 'use' each other pretty equally. Right now mainly for emotional support.

At the end of the day everyone just wants to be loved and those that 'use' women/men from prison have bigger problems than the women that are being used.
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Old 02-18-2015, 04:30 PM
Mag8535 Mag8535 is offline
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Default Not sure I'm being used

My Mai is in estelle ad seg in Texas. We met eight months ago via pen pals site. He'd never asked for a thing till last month. Tells me money is tight, he's almost out of it. Cannot eat the food, needs commissary and stationary. I've visited with him once a month and we write consistently. He's done two extensive portraits of me, both time consuming. I honestly cannot tell if this is the beginning of being used or not. I guess only time will tell.
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  #5  
Old 02-18-2015, 08:09 PM
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My Mai is in estelle ad seg in Texas. We met eight months ago via pen pals site. He'd never asked for a thing till last month. Tells me money is tight, he's almost out of it. Cannot eat the food, needs commissary and stationary. I've visited with him once a month and we write consistently. He's done two extensive portraits of me, both time consuming. I honestly cannot tell if this is the beginning of being used or not. I guess only time will tell.
I am kinda curious...what has he been eating for the last 8 months and before then?
It isn't necessarily a using thing; perhaps he just feels more comfortable with you now to ask. He could have needed it all along but didn't feel right asking. At least he is asking and not demanding.
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Old 02-18-2015, 09:27 PM
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Michael's been in for 11 years and four months he said the first eight years he had money because he went in with so much and is just running out. Also the prison just charged $100 to his account for medical for the year. I honestly cannot tell if I'm being played or not the letters are the most beautiful romantic I've ever read. probably 60 letters in the last three months.
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  #7  
Old 02-22-2015, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Mag8535 View Post
My Mai is in estelle ad seg in Texas. We met eight months ago via pen pals site. He'd never asked for a thing till last month. Tells me money is tight, he's almost out of it. Cannot eat the food, needs commissary and stationary. I've visited with him once a month and we write consistently. He's done two extensive portraits of me, both time consuming. I honestly cannot tell if this is the beginning of being used or not. I guess only time will tell.
AD SEG/SHU are just a different world. My man only asked to borrow 35 dollars once...I laughed when he said he would pay me back and said "Baby keep it, it's 35 dollars it's not that big of a deal". However, when he went to the SHU they took EVERYTHING, so...I sent him embossed envelopes with paper so he could write. I couldn't send him money though because one of his punishments was that he couldn't order commissary (I'm pretty sure..I remember that being what he said). Thankfully he was only in there for 3 months..they just lagged on his investigation.

To answer your question...only time will tell if you are...just look for the warning signs/red flags. I mean...it's up to you as an individual/couple if you are in relationship to consider finances and what you share.
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  #8  
Old 03-21-2015, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mag8535 View Post
My Mai is in estelle ad seg in Texas. We met eight months ago via pen pals site. He'd never asked for a thing till last month. Tells me money is tight, he's almost out of it. Cannot eat the food, needs commissary and stationary. I've visited with him once a month and we write consistently. He's done two extensive portraits of me, both time consuming. I honestly cannot tell if this is the beginning of being used or not. I guess only time will tell.
R and I met three years ago this month. His Mother gives him $50 a month and he makes that last somehow. I'm not even sure if she sends it every month because we rarely talk about what money he has or commissary. He's never asked me for stamps or stationary, nothing. I do send him Ecomm when I want to. I've sent two since we've met and didn't tell him when I sent them so it was a surprise. I pay for our phone calls and to visit him. I send him $50 for his Birthday and for Christmas and have sent a few books and magazines. He hasn't ever asked me for any of these things.

While I can't say if he is using you I don't think that men should be asking their MWI or pen pal for anything monetary. It's not our responsibility to give them money or make sure that they eat or pay for their medical. If he started asking me for money for his books on a regular basis I would see that as a problem and if it continued or I felt like he expected me to send money I would end the relationship.

Everyone has to decide for themselves what they will accept and how far it will go until they feel they are being used. If you feel you are being used then you probably are.
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Old 06-15-2020, 12:44 PM
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This is old, but absolutely agree with you. I think you hit a nerve with a few women. We all know what used means. If some women want to rationalize that they are using too for emotional support or whatever; it is what it is. I think most women who aren’t afraid to look at the relationship with eyes wide open know if they are being fooled. The other women, will rationalize and unfortunately get hurt or worse, miss a good relationship that could have been. Good luck, but don’t be so Gullible you lose your self respect.
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  #10  
Old 03-11-2011, 11:54 AM
MR.GRUMPYZWIFEY MR.GRUMPYZWIFEY is offline
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Default Hey

[hi,im new 2 diz n i wanted to ask u how did u do dat countdwn thing. I wanna do dat 4 my dude countdwn...ty...
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  #11  
Old 11-01-2010, 08:39 PM
CupCakeLove CupCakeLove is offline
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@ Sleepaway_Camp. Do you not understand the post either? I see that you liked GinaH's comment....Just want to know just in case I wasn't clear and need to edit the post...
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:45 PM
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@ Sleepaway_Camp. Do you not understand the post either? I see that you liked GinaH's comment....Just want to know just in case I wasn't clear and need to edit the post...
I doubt you will get many responses on woman that will admit to being used. If I had the slightest suspiscion I was maybe sorta kinda being used I doubt I would say it on here.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:47 PM
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Lol! I'll answer. I was with my husband before he went away, not that that matters. No, I don't think he's using me.
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Old 06-23-2011, 07:21 PM
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Lol! I'll answer. I was with my husband before he went away, not that that matters. No, I don't think he's using me.
This.
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Old 04-21-2013, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Rejoice. . . View Post
Lol! I'll answer. I was with my husband before he went away, not that that matters. No, I don't think he's using me.
I have to admit. Even though I was with him before he went in..I did for a split second ask myself if he was doing that. I have known him since we were children. We grew up together and dated in Jr high and High. We have been best friends for more than 30 years. We lost contact for about 10 years and reconnected and became much much more than just best friends. I guess my point to this is..Even with all that being said I questioned if he may be using me. He has burned so many bridges with everyone else in his life and I am still here. We are only human. So yes I did question it and even went as far as to ask him if he was. Of course he said he wasn't. I guess only time will tell. I do want to add that this website and reading everyones posts have really helped me. I am new to all of this.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:55 PM
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I understand your view. Thanks for your comments...

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I doubt you will get many responses on woman that will admit to being used. If I had the slightest suspiscion I was maybe sorta kinda being used I doubt I would say it on here.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:59 PM
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I think the post is pretty clear and its a valid question. Every one knows that society looks at girls who are waiting for someone that is incarcerated "fools, that are just being used and played". It's a sad truth, but it's reality? I'm very independent, I'm highly successful, and to be honest, I know I got it going on in the looks department and could get any guy i want. Every day I hear that I'm too good to stand by a man that's locked up, and I'm warned to not be taken advantage of. But what they don't know is that our relationship has grown more since he's been locked up than it probably ever would have when he was on the streets. I have no regrets, we're rock solid, and we make eachother happy NOW, and to me that is all that really matters. So with that, no I don't think my man is using me.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:09 PM
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I will be the first to say that just because you were with the inmate before they went in does not mean that they wont use you. My ex and I were together for almost 2 years before he went in. we lived together and almost had a child together(i lost her at 5 months pregnant) and he did 8 years and we lost touch the first few years but the last 3 years we got back in touch and back together. He got out in March of this year and I went to pick him up, he was with me for 2 weeks then left me. I know now that he is with some other chick. He told me it was because of the no-contact order but who knows.......I had no idea I was gonna be played. I thought I knew him. NEwayz, now I am with a guy that my cousen hooked me up with(they are homiez locked up together) and I did not know him before he went in, and my cousen asures me that he would never hook me up whith an asshole, but because of what had happend with my ex I cant help but be alittle afraid.

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Old 11-01-2010, 09:21 PM
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Default I'm sorry!!

I'm sorry that you went through the pain, but in the long run, he did you a favor. That's why I think that it's important for us to not lose ourselves and continue to be independent....


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I will be the first to say that just because you were with the inmate before they went in does not mean that they wont use you. My ex and I were together for almost 2 years before he went in. we lived together and almost had a child together(i lost her at 5 months pregnant) and he did 8 years and we lost touch the first few years but the last 3 years we got back in touch and back together. He got out in March of this year and I went to pick him up, he was with me for 2 weeks then left me. I know now that he is with some other chick. He told me it was because of the no-contact order but who knows.......I had no idea I was gonna be played. I thought I knew him. NEwayz, now I am with a guy that my cousen hooked me up with(they are homiez locked up together) and I did not know him before he went in, and my cousen asures me that he would never hook me up whith an asshole, but because of what had happend with my ex I cant help but be alittle afraid.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by 209CaLiGiRl View Post
I will be the first to say that just because you were with the inmate before they went in does not mean that they wont use you. My ex and I were together for almost 2 years before he went in. we lived together and almost had a child together(i lost her at 5 months pregnant) and he did 8 years and we lost touch the first few years but the last 3 years we got back in touch and back together. He got out in March of this year and I went to pick him up, he was with me for 2 weeks then left me. I know now that he is with some other chick. He told me it was because of the no-contact order but who knows.......I had no idea I was gonna be played. I thought I knew him. NEwayz, now I am with a guy that my cousen hooked me up with(they are homiez locked up together) and I did not know him before he went in, and my cousen asures me that he would never hook me up whith an asshole, but because of what had happend with my ex I cant help but be alittle afraid.
i know my post has nothing to do with this topic but i wanted to say,i'm very sorry about your baby daughter.also i'm sorry about what your ex did,but what he did ultimately left you available for your new man.hope things are going great for you now.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:15 PM
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Now see that what's I'm talking about; you feel what I am saying. It's just something to think about.

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I think the post is pretty clear and its a valid question. Every one knows that society looks at girls who are waiting for someone that is incarcerated "fools, that are just being used and played". It's a sad truth, but it's reality? I'm very independent, I'm highly successful, and to be honest, I know I got it going on in the looks department and could get any guy i want. Every day I hear that I'm too good to stand by a man that's locked up, and I'm warned to not be taken advantage of. But what they don't know is that our relationship has grown more since he's been locked up than it probably ever would have when he was on the streets. I have no regrets, we're rock solid, and we make eachother happy NOW, and to me that is all that really matters. So with that, no I don't think my man is using me.
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:59 AM
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Default Relationship has grown stronger

Quote:
Originally Posted by chozngirl777 View Post
I think the post is pretty clear and its a valid question. Every one knows that society looks at girls who are waiting for someone that is incarcerated "fools, that are just being used and played". It's a sad truth, but it's reality? I'm very independent, I'm highly successful, and to be honest, I know I got it going on in the looks department and could get any guy i want. Every day I hear that I'm too good to stand by a man that's locked up, and I'm warned to not be taken advantage of. But what they don't know is that our relationship has grown more since he's been locked up than it probably ever would have when he was on the streets. I have no regrets, we're rock solid, and we make eachother happy NOW, and to me that is all that really matters. So with that, no I don't think my man is using me.
I would like to ad to your comment if I may, yes many of times I have seen the relationships between a couple grow stronger when the man is incarcerated. Mostly because, (I think) that when the man is cut off from physical contact with his mate, his emotional relationship over-compensates for this. This allows him to more freely share his heart and be more open about doing so. (a real problem for a lot of us men) So ladies, if you reconize this, tell him. He'll learn just how important it is for the you to hear his heart and he'll learn that he needs to do this as well.
Just thank us for being so open.
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  #23  
Old 11-02-2010, 09:27 AM
CupCakeLove CupCakeLove is offline
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Default This is soooooooooooooo true!!!!

This is so good Chaplain. Some will come home with a new found appreciation for us women. CupCake was really good to me before he went in. He was a good man to me, but we shall see if things changes. If they do, I will tell him to keep it moving and he knows it. He knows that I take no joke....


Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaplainJohn View Post
I would like to ad to your comment if I may, yes many of times I have seen the relationships between a couple grow stronger when the man is incarcerated. Mostly because, (I think) that when the man is cut off from physical contact with his mate, his emotional relationship over-compensates for this. This allows him to more freely share his heart and be more open about doing so. (a real problem for a lot of us men) So ladies, if you reconize this, tell him. He'll learn just how important it is for the you to hear his heart and he'll learn that he needs to do this as well.
Just thank us for being so open.
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  #24  
Old 11-02-2010, 04:47 PM
ChaplainJohn ChaplainJohn is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CupCakeLove View Post
This is so good Chaplain. Some will come home with a new found appreciation for us women. CupCake was really good to me before he went in. He was a good man to me, but we shall see if things changes. If they do, I will tell him to keep it moving and he knows it. He knows that I take no joke....

Your welcome,

I only posted because it had taken me years to understand what my wife's needs were from me. Men are generally wired to be the provider and we think that as long as we are keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table, everything is ok, And let's not forget about the sex. Then one day we find ourselves lonely and we can't understand why.

Once I understood what God's word meant by, "Husbands love your wives as Christ has loved the church" I understood that this was about intimacy.
Men need this as well, but for the most part, is no longer taught or even more so, led by example in today's society.

So I am happy to hear of this in your realtionship, but all the more sad about your having to be seperate from one another just the same.

I wish you both all my best,
C.J.
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  #25  
Old 11-03-2010, 01:27 PM
Msnine10 Msnine10 is offline
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Default Wow...

I wont spread the news but if it feels this good being used...well you just keep on using me...Until you use me up...

The first thing I would like to say is this is a great topic... I feel that if insecurities arise out of it, then that person or persons should deal with them... Like any addiction/issue we must first identify it then realize it....

Now...On to what I believe... I believe when you do something from you heart... who is the fool? As for me, I choose to be in this situation...because I am free... I have a choice and I choose to be there... I believe that everyone needs someone to be there for them... so if he is playing you or me...and what? The problem is as women we are so emotional... we dont read the lines we steady try to look between them... try to evaluate everything and every situation... we make every issue ours... Ive learned through life experiences to accept what ever comes my way... I have lost so many things in my life...but I look at things this way... sometimes when we win...we really lost... and sometimes when we thought we lost...we really won! If you believe in Karma and good spirits and GOD...you will live your life accordingly...so it really doesnt matter if "he" feels as though he is the user... thats his issue...as long as I keep it 100 and stay true to who I am... I will be and you will be OKAY!!!

Love is never a fool...sometimes we just love a fool... I know that Im a good person...Im a good woman and all that extra stuff too... However, looks doesnt matter, body doesnt matter... People do what they want to do in the end! Some people can say selfish...but at the end of the day...who happiness matters most... Loving Yourself more than a man will help you overcome any situation!!!
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