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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

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  #1  
Old 10-04-2018, 11:35 AM
Staystrong Staystrong is offline
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Default 1 year of constant anger and emotional abuse

Hello all,
My husband was released after being incarcerated for 5 years. He has been home 1 year today. This last year has been the most difficult in my entire life, and I have been through a lot. I honestly don't know what to do. He is constantly angry and extremely abusive. He is always putting me down and calling me names. There has been occasions that his anger is so much that it is pretty scary. I'm trying to understand if this is something that every person goes through after being in incarcerated for so long. I wonder if this is some type of PTSD or if he is just a supreme jerk. He doesn't want to look for a job and expects me to pay for pretty much everything. He has enrolled in school, which I fully support but I have repeatedly ask for his contribution. At least something! He makes me cry most of the days and is always arguing with me, and then on top of it, he blames me for everything.

A little bit of background, while he was incarcerated, I found out that he cheated and that pretty much hurt our relationship. Regardless, I decided to stay and continue to support him. His betrayal was severe as he did so many other things to hide the "relationship" he had with someone else. When he got out, I could not fully trust him because he continues acting in weird ways, such as hiding his cell phone, not wanting me to show up to his school, I found a list of mostly females names and their cellphone numbers. Obviously, after one is cheated trust is hard to rebuild, and he doesn't understand that. So he blames me for not letting go of his cheating, but how could I? when he continue to act in shady ways.

Ladies, I honestly don't know what to do. I keep telling my self that this is a phase that he will get better, but his psychological abuse is taking its toll on me. His constant anger is making me feel anxious, and the name calling is affecting my self-esteem. I want all this to stop. But I don't know how. He doesn't want to go to therapy. I feel that all he wants is for me to provide financially, not ask questions about what he does, and serve him! It is ridiculous. Every time I said something, like "Baby, I really need your help" I get in return "Don't stress me out, all you do is stress me out."

Are any of you experiencing any of this or something similar? Is this a phase after incarceration? Please, any advice, or words of support will be greatly appreciated. THANK YOU!

Last edited by Staystrong; 10-04-2018 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 10-04-2018, 12:02 PM
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Every relationship is different and how people react to and solve such matters is also different so I can only tell you how my husband and I got through his issue of infidelity. Keep in mind that in our situation it was one person and an isolated incident so I cannot say for certain I would have acted the same in your situation.

The key is communication and if one or both of you cannot do that constructively then things won't get better, plain and simple. In our situation when the infidelity came out and we were going through the aftermath of things we had a 3 hour conversation in the middle of a small restaurant. We cried; we yell (in a low tone); and we laid it all out. We said all the things we had not been saying for the several months that had led to the infidelity. Then we talked about why he thought this was a viable option to things.

I had to accept that while I may not have agreed with his thoughts or thought they were rational, that they were his thoughts. For us at the time I was working full time, I was going to school online full time and we had three children in school and sports. To put it plainly, I was busy. For his part, not only is he physically disabled he suffers from bipolar issues, although at the time he would not fully accept that. I knew something was wrong with him; I could tell, but again, I was too busy to deal with it. I thought things would just work themselves out and it was one of the normal ruts people go through. If we did discuss some things it ended in a fight so I just stopped fighting. For his part he felt in a sense abandoned and that I no longer cared. He literally packed a bag and got on a plane!

After the long talk he decided to address his bipolar issues. But, of course we still had the infidelity thing. I have always said I had more issue forgiving myself for forgiving him than I did forgiving him. I had always said that would be a deal breaker and here I was trying to work things out. We put everything on the table.. period. He spoke to the woman, one more time, with me present and broke everything off. I had a few "rules" I insisted on, like no contact with her or with the game in which they had met. The important thing was that my husband agreed to those things. He knew trust wasn't going to come easily and that I would be suspicious for a long time to come, but it was important that we were both willing to work on things.

I made sure that I found out all that I "felt" I needed to know, very early on, which may be a problem for you since it has already been a long while. After that I stopped asking more questions. I decided if I had not come up with that question when I sat down to think of the things I wanted to know, then I really didn't need to know it. That lessened me going to him with questions every few days and dragging everything up again.

Our official anniversary is Oct. 1st, but for a few years we celebrated December 21st as our "New Beginning" anniversary.

I also did something that some disagreed with me on, but again everyone and every relationship is different and this worked for me. I of course never blamed myself for HIS infidelity. That was/is/ and always will be on him! However I take "responsibility" for my part in him thinking that was an option. I hope that makes sense. We all make mistakes in relationships whether that is accepting things or doing things we shouldn't. What matters is how you move forward with it and learn from it.

I do not agree with him being abusive towards you in any way. But, I also have to wonder if you have not gotten all the answers that you think you need or needed at the time and bring it up more often than needed. Things will not fix unless you are both ready to move forward and forgive and he be willing to understand that it will take you time to trust him. If none of that can happen then maybe it's time to move on.

No one, infidelity or not, deserves to be abused or live in misery.
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Old 10-04-2018, 12:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Staystrong View Post
Ladies, I honestly don't know what to do.

He doesn't want to go to therapy.

Is this a phase after incarceration? Please, any advice, or words of support will be greatly appreciated. THANK YOU!
I am truly sorry you are going through this. Based on solely what you have described here it does not seem like it is a phase; he was cheating on you whilst in prison - he has been out for a full year and continues to treat you badly. How was your relationship before prison? If you were together for years and he treated you with love & respect, and prison changed all that, then I would say it's possible he's acting on PTSD or issues that he's not able to handle...but I don't know your background prior to his incarceration. And...if he is unwilling to go to therapy and not capable or willing to meet you half way? If I were in your shoes I would tell him you have no other option at this point than to leave. Life is short and you've already tried making things better for a whole year while he refuses to even discuss it - it doesn't look very promising. Of course the decision is yours - I hope you gain clarity & find the right solution
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Old 10-04-2018, 04:01 PM
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The answer to one of your questions is No. Prison doesn't make folks abusive jerks, unless they already were before they were locked up.

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. You have to decide what, and how much abuse you will continue to accept from him since it doesn't seem like he will ever change, at least not for the better. I hope I'm wrong.
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Old 10-04-2018, 07:40 PM
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My husband was locked away for over 20 years. He is not an angry abusive jerk. If he had been anything like what you're describing when he came home, my foot would have been booting him out the door after a few months.
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Old 10-04-2018, 10:51 PM
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His behavior does NOT have anything to do with prison. He is a jerk and supreme ass. Get out and let him deal with his own life and you take care of yourself. Draw the line now you've taken enough of his crap.
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Old 10-06-2018, 06:47 AM
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Mine was in for just over 5 years.
He does not behave like that. At all. And if he did, I'd be gone.


I'd suggest either get some counseling (for you if he wont go)
or TRY to talk to him. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Name calling, the hiding of information, etc.
Hell, if he's not paying for that phone, I'd take him off the phone and let him pay for it.
The fact he's cheated in the past? and now hides things from you? Then cant understand why you are upset? Bull.
Since he's the one who cheated its up to him to show you he wont do it again.
Not wanting you to go to his school? Not letting you see the phone?
This is not a way to re assure you. He should be an open book.


And not wanting to contribute to the household? Also not acceptable.
Pretty sure he could at least get a part time job someplace.


As to him saying you dont forgive him for cheating.....he does have a point, but he should not be reluctant in any way for you *checking his phone*


Im sorry you find yourself with someone who does not deserve you. But YOU can change that.
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Old 10-06-2018, 08:23 AM
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He's using you as a convenience, if you hadn't noticed. He wants you and a side-piece or two or three.

You don't have to tolerate it.

Kick him out and tell him he can come back if/after he starts therapy (don't go with him) and you get therapy as well, and he's not gaslighting you any more.

Right now, this isn't a marriage, it's just a port in a storm for him.
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Old 10-08-2018, 12:48 PM
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I have been going through similar not for a year but four months now since he got home all fights. found out he was also corresponding with another person little before he got home. and while he was home lots of phone calls , things i dont like he accuse me of it arguing and controlling but all ask from him is a little attention but he seems preoccupied with outside influences.. his mother, friends , family. He seems to just disconnect himself from me and if i mention something i'm wrong. Its been constant arguing for four months because I found out he was still communication with another woman and not just me while in prison. The trust has been broken and i'm trying to get past this but not easy road. Maybe theres some PTSD . Staystrong you are not alone i feel your pain, seek counseling for yourself because i think at this point i need to myself and if he doesn't want to then not saying end the marriage try as best as you can. Its very stressful because everyday is a challenge its to the point i cant function. Staystrong just Stay strong we need to look after ourselves its not healthy. If need someone to talk to send me message. I feel the same that it was convenience but i want to believe there is love and not thinking that.. Stay Strong
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Old 10-08-2018, 12:52 PM
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I agree there may be underlying issues he cant deal with because my Love one tells me hes depress and going through alot but in tern blames me so , bad treatment i dont deserve.. They know right from wrong . The cheating while incarcerated play a factor because emotionally he may not be present.. keep praying
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Old 10-08-2018, 01:49 PM
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Food for thought: there are a lot of people in this world who are/were incarcerated, who suffer from PTSD and other mental issues yet who do not cheat on their partners or abuse them. It is certainly not my business to tell anyone how you let your significant other treat you...but it makes me sad to see so many people, especially women, making excuses for this kind of behavior as if cheating is something that a man cannot help/control. You deserve so much more.

Anyway, just my two cents, no offence to anyone
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Old 10-11-2018, 06:03 PM
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You know the answer, you said it.
Whether or not you choose to stay is your choice.
This is your life, don't sell yourself short.
There is no excuse for his behavior. He won't change.
The question is, wi!l you find the strength to make the change.
Love yourself more ...
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Old 10-12-2018, 01:32 AM
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I spent way too much time with a man like him. Took me a lot of work & time to get to the place I'm at these days, but here I am! Surviving & thriving! No, my abuser wasnt an ex con, so I cant use that as the guage for his behavior. What I CAN say is that he definitely has a choice in how he treats u....and YOU have a choice whether or not u should stay and continue to let him chip away at your self esteem...or go.

Love is a great reason to want to work things out with someone, buy so is respect. It seems like he doesnt have any for himself, so I'm sure he won't have any for you.

I read an article that talked about men who feel inferior to their woman. Instead of trying to meet you on your level, he works hard at reducing u to his. He may not feel worthy of u, so rather than improve himself he just degrades your accomplishments in order to make himself feel "bigger". It certainly explains my last relatuonS#!T!!

U gotta learn how to love YOU enough to draw a solid line & not allow him to cross it! Right now, ur just making lines in n the sand and as long as he knows that, he won't change.
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Staystrong View Post
Hello all,
My husband was released after being incarcerated for 5 years. He has been home 1 year today. This last year has been the most difficult in my entire life, and I have been through a lot. I honestly don't know what to do. He is constantly angry and extremely abusive. He is always putting me down and calling me names. There has been occasions that his anger is so much that it is pretty scary. I'm trying to understand if this is something that every person goes through after being in incarcerated for so long. I wonder if this is some type of PTSD or if he is just a supreme jerk. He doesn't want to look for a job and expects me to pay for pretty much everything. He has enrolled in school, which I fully support but I have repeatedly ask for his contribution. At least something! He makes me cry most of the days and is always arguing with me, and then on top of it, he blames me for everything.

Do what any women would do if this man were not in prison: Leave him. He's not worth it. And you're worth too much to tolerate this sort of behavior from any man...even someone who's never been to prison.


Leave him in the dust and find someone who is worth you.
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Old 10-14-2018, 05:54 AM
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Stop focusing on him and focus on yourself. Refusing to get a job has nothing to do with PTSD to help financially. Love yourself and work on your self esteem. This is an unhealthy relationship. Take control and remove yourself from this relationship.
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Old 10-14-2018, 06:15 AM
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How far are you willing to be dragged down? From where I'm sitting you are making excuses and taking all his bullshit PTSD my ass!!! Sorry honey I have it and I cling to those who are there for me, not blame or abuse them. Get therapy and get out!!!
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Old 10-14-2018, 08:48 AM
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Every relationship is different but what he's doing to you in unacceptable....you need to sit down and think about what's he's doing and realize that it's time to move on. Clearly he has a horrible case of PTSD and hasn't learned to cope with it yet. My husband has PTSD but has never been mean to me. He's never even raised his voice to me. He's clearly still wanting to be with other women because he's hiding things from you. That's not OK. I hope you can figure things out.
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Old 10-14-2018, 09:30 AM
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Hi , you sound so unhappy and exhausted why are you still with this guy? When you think about the relationship you would like to have, do you see a partner who is abusive, calls you names and cheats on you and blames you for his behaviour?

If you dont think that all those things are ok ,why are you still there. If he has PTSD, then that is not an excuse to abuse you and live off you. He needs to take responsibility and get treatment and support.

Dont be so desperate for love that you accept bad toxic love. While you allow you and enable him things wont change for you or him. Its a bleak look into the future more of this abuse for years to come , but you can change it now and do yourself a favour.
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Old 11-12-2018, 11:36 PM
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Remember....when someone is trying to pull you down/put you down...it's because they are beneath you!
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