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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 09-01-2010, 08:18 PM
PamElla PamElla is offline
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Default Little to no rehab and my son's coming home...

My 21 year old son is coming home from a short 6 mo's in prison for theft to support his drug habit. Rehab is supposed to be a part of his program but it has not happened yet and he gets out in November. This means, at best, he will only recieve 2 mo's of rehab if he starts today. Beyond November he has very strict guidelines and classes to attend for the next 2 years. If he messes up one time he will instantly do 5 years. He is currently in work release and stays at a halfway facility. Within the first week of his arrival at the halfway facility he contacted his drug buddys and is sneaking a cell phone into the facility. He wants to come to my home to live when he gets out in November. My thought is that if he cant follow the guidelines set for him at the facility why should I think anything will be different when he comes home. He tells me he just wanted to talk to his buddies and it was that simple. I see it as a huge red flag. I am affraid for him, and I dont trust him. This is not a good start. He has been in several other rehab programs and knows not to contact his buddies. Am I wrong in thinking he is going to fail. I believe I should tell him he cant come home because he cant follow basic rules and therefore will not follow mine either. Am I making too much of this too soon?
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Old 09-01-2010, 08:54 PM
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tglsmom tglsmom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PamElla View Post
My 21 year old son is coming home from a short 6 mo's in prison for theft to support his drug habit. Rehab is supposed to be a part of his program but it has not happened yet and he gets out in November. This means, at best, he will only recieve 2 mo's of rehab if he starts today. Beyond November he has very strict guidelines and classes to attend for the next 2 years. If he messes up one time he will instantly do 5 years. He is currently in work release and stays at a halfway facility. Within the first week of his arrival at the halfway facility he contacted his drug buddys and is sneaking a cell phone into the facility. He wants to come to my home to live when he gets out in November. My thought is that if he cant follow the guidelines set for him at the facility why should I think anything will be different when he comes home. He tells me he just wanted to talk to his buddies and it was that simple. I see it as a huge red flag. I am affraid for him, and I dont trust him. This is not a good start. He has been in several other rehab programs and knows not to contact his buddies. Am I wrong in thinking he is going to fail. I believe I should tell him he cant come home because he cant follow basic rules and therefore will not follow mine either. Am I making too much of this too soon?
I don't think you're making too much of this. The fact that he wants to talk to his drug buddies is definitely a huge red flag, in my opinion. My son spent a county year in jail with 6 months court-ordered rehab. He left after only 4 months and we found out later that he was sneaking out to see his so-called "friends". That had a lot to do with why he left rehab and, in fact, he managed to get himself in so much trouble that he is now spending 11-1/2 years in prison.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer you, but I would suggest you get on the Parents With Children In Prison forum. If you scroll down the main menu, you will find it. There are many people there who have been through it all and they can offer advice and tons of support. Good luck.
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Old 09-02-2010, 09:19 AM
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No your not making too much out of this if he is working he should get his own place or get into a treatment center. If he continues with his current agenda you won't have to worry he'll be in prison. So I would let him be a man and choose his own path.
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Old 09-02-2010, 10:24 AM
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Cindy C Cindy C is offline
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A big part of sobriety is staying away from the people the addict "used" with. The cell phone itself is not a big deal...A LOT of folks have cell phones in HWH cause the payphones are enternally busy with indigent offenders. So the point of not following the rules because of the cell is not really a major factor for me. The part that's the red flag is that your son is contacting the "old crew" while he's in custody...that's just asking for trouble!!

If you say no to him being released to your home it should be because of his contact with his old friends and I feel you should make it clear to him that your decision is based on wanting him to be SOBER not because he couldn't follow rules. If you approach him about "rules" he'll just consider you acting like a true "mom." But if you approach him about sobriety/recovery he might think differently and hear you instead of just react to you. Does that make sense?
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Old 09-02-2010, 12:41 PM
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I don't think you're making too much of the situation and from what you said, that definitely is a huge red flag for what's going to happen if and when he comes to live with you. I wish I had listened to my gut when it came to my fiance awhile back. I know he's your son but you need to do what you think is best and it may be that you tell him exactly how you feel about it. He'll get mad so be prepared but if he really wants to do the right thing, in time, he will understand.
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:58 PM
PamElla PamElla is offline
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Default That makes sense - thank you.

Every time I entertain the thought of him coming home every fiber of my being says "NO". I am not ready. My son just told me he has seen a close drug buddy several times while on work release. If he would just show me some behavior that says he wants to be free of that old world then I might think differently. He is so excited about coming home yet thinks it is ok to have his old friends. He says "Not all my friends are bad. Some of them are just like me and want to do good too." Do I crush his hopes of coming home and say "no" now? I already told him his friends have to go away if he comes home and yet he talks freely with me about contacting them. Now he wants me to meet his girlfriend who is just now getting out or rehab herself! I am being played by him!
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:24 PM
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ohsweetmaryjane ohsweetmaryjane is offline
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I don't think you're being played by him because he is blatantly telling you what he is doing wrong....even if he doesn't identify it as wrong.

I am in recovery for years now, and the number one thing I had to do was cut off the negative people in my life. Many (most?) of them I literally haven't talked to once since I got clean. Either your son doesn't GET IT that that is necessary, or he isn't READY to stop using.

To be honest, the first thing that went thru MY MIND when you mentioned the cell phone and him calling his old friends was "is he sneaking drugs in there?" Sorry to say that, and I could definitely be wrong. But I can tell you with near certainty that there are two reasons people sneak cell phones in.....to arrange contraband to enter the building or to talk to their girlfriends for hours at a time.

Either way, I don't think you're blowing the situation out of proportion AT ALL. In fact, HE'S minimizing it! I think you should tell him he can't come home (because who cares about breaking his heart if he doesn't take anything you say into consideration?) and tell him to get placed in a treatment center or long-term halfway house.

Hope my advice doesn't sound harsh. I work with addicts for a living, and that's what I see in this situation.
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Old 09-06-2010, 01:14 PM
PamElla PamElla is offline
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Default You are not being harsh

I appreciate your response and you are right. As I mentioned earlier he has been in seven rehabs. He knows the no. 1 thing he absolutely must do is stay away from his old buddies. How does he stay away from users if he lives with users? My sympathy goes with him on that one. Also he gets drug testing all the time. Is it possible to be in the facility and still use drugs? You are also right that he is not hiding anything from me. That could mean he really does not get it or that he is wondering how I will respond. He could be testing the waters to see how I will react and looking to see if I am a safe place for him. In other words, he could be testing to see if I will waffle on my boundaries or hold steadfast on to them. On the other hand, if he can get me to meet his girlfriend now then he will also think it will be ok for him to have her over to my home once he gets out. Not only is he lost but he is playing me in plain view!!! I also love the nonbiased outside perspectives from all of you. Please tell me what you think.
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