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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 08-06-2010, 06:38 PM
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Unhappy This might be long - bare with me - please!

I have an important question that to most of you may seem trivial but it's important to me and essential in helping my loved one's recovery. My boyfriend has been sentenced to a 30 month Federal sentence because of drugs. His main vice is Meth. His offense level was low but because of his criminal history, he is a category 5 - he's done 8 of the 30 already and I know it's a downward hill from here or once he gets to an actual Federal Unit. His criminal history is a prior bid for the same thing but it was at a State level. He violated his parole with this last offense. We met 3 months prior to his arrest but through a mutual friend and it was on a friend level and our relationship was via phone and text. Because of his "habits", our dates always seemed to not happen. I personally have never had anyone in my life with an addictive personality and am not sure not how to handle all the things that are getting thrown at me now. I also worked in the "legal" field and have seen things on the other side (I lost alot of respect for the justice system, but that's another post). He seems to take ownership of his actions, but sometimes, I hear red flags. He doesn't always take responsibility for what's happened - example, if his ex at the time hadn't done XY or Z, he wouldn't have needed to drugs to numb the pain. Everything is always about what someone did to him to make him need to do it. I have tried to teach him and explain to him that he will always have ups and downs in life - that's the circle of life and he can't turn to drugs everytime that happens. I tell him that even though we love each other and want to be together, it will not always be sunshine and roses and I don't want to think that he can't handle things without drugs. He agrees that he needs to get out of the area that he was in and I have told him that the only two things I won't tolerate are being lied to and being cheated on - the rest we can work out.

My main question is....well, I guess there are two - first of all, at his sentencing, his lawyer said that he intended to utilize the drug program in the federal unit, but that could have been a lot of smoke and mirrors - are these programs helpful and will he learn more than he's even aware of? Also, I really think that I need to join a support group of some kind. I want to know how to help and signs to look for so I am not blindsided - how early do I need to start doing that? He is looking at about a year and a half left of time excluding the HH.

The one thing I know is the I can't turn my back on him. I don't know why - I guess the heart wants what the heart wants, but I just feel like there is good in him still. Sometimes, he talks like he has hit rock bottom and while I hate to see him go through that, it may be what he needs to realize that this is not a lifestyle that he wants to lead.

Any help you guys can offer? I know I talked alot, but as in every story, there's so much background! UGH!
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Old 08-06-2010, 07:40 PM
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It is never too early to get some support for yourself! No matter how much you try to learn there's always new things that come up unexpectedly, such is our lives as supports So find a group in your local area that you're comfortable with. Just an FYI...no matter what there will be folks you can hear and folks who will frustrate you in these groups. Just focus on listening to their story and taking what you need from it.

As far as programs for your man...the key is that he has to be ready for change. Any program anywhere can/will help but only if he really wants change. If he isn't ready for change there's no program on this earth that can help him. Usually, for someone who's ready for change, merely being around those who "know" (understand what it is to be an addict) and who can speak to positive change is enough for the person to begin to learn the recovery lifestyle.

I wish you both the best of luck!! Recovery is a rocky road but it can lead to beautiful things too!!!!
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindy C View Post
It is never too early to get some support for yourself! No matter how much you try to learn there's always new things that come up unexpectedly, such is our lives as supports So find a group in your local area that you're comfortable with. Just an FYI...no matter what there will be folks you can hear and folks who will frustrate you in these groups. Just focus on listening to their story and taking what you need from it.

As far as programs for your man...the key is that he has to be ready for change. Any program anywhere can/will help but only if he really wants change. If he isn't ready for change there's no program on this earth that can help him. Usually, for someone who's ready for change, merely being around those who "know" (understand what it is to be an addict) and who can speak to positive change is enough for the person to begin to learn the recovery lifestyle.

I wish you both the best of luck!! Recovery is a rocky road but it can lead to beautiful things too!!!!
Couldn't have said it better myself. You touched on pretty much everything I wanted to say!
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:12 PM
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Thank you both! I think it's hard too because I want him to want to change and I think deep down he does, it's just fear. One good thing is that between his father and myself, we are positive role models. I don't drink and I don't smoke so he will have no temptations but I want to make sure that he makes the right choices because HE wants to-not because I tell him to. If I TELL him what to do, he will rebel just like a child. I want to be equal and have mutual respect-not treat him like a child.

I need therapy!

Thanks again ya'll.
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Old 08-07-2010, 06:47 AM
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Darling, don't set your heart on his recovery. Build a solid, joyous life regardless of what he's doing, because the best odds are only 1 in 10 that he will make a recovery into sobriety. Good examples sometimes only deepen an addict's guilt over his addiction, as does dragging everyone down into the emotional morass. Your best bet is simply to live your life and stay a little detached.

Get yourself to a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting - they are absolutely wonderful as checks on your emotions and enthusiams and even your enabling, if you end up doing any. Right now, I doubt that you really understand addiction all that well, so you would be wise to get every bit of knowledge you can.
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