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  #1  
Old 08-12-2018, 01:13 PM
Firebreather9 Firebreather9 is offline
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Default Accepting that this is our reality for now, that I have no control

Hi ladies.

Youíre all so inspiring and wonderful. Iíve been reading threads here for a month now (read to page 600-can you say obsessed?)

My boyfriend and I were together for almost a year before he went in. Heís a recovered heroin addict-has more than a year clean, so proud of him - but in the early days of recovery he was clean but not fully sober. Anyone whose not in the recovery community - that basically means he was drug-free but still had some old mindsets and habits he hadnít shaken yet. He racked up some charges before I met him, did well for a long time after but they eventually caught up with him (why is the legal process so drawn out??) and he went in to serve a year about two months ago.

Iíve been alternately a bastion of strength and a full on emotional mess. I originally told him I wouldnít stand by him for a year (we didnít think heíd get that long until he was sentenced, but knew the da had it on the table) but that lasted a week after sentencing and then I decided to stick it out. I just couldnít leave. Being without him at all was so much worse than waiting it out with him.

We thought his charges between the town and city had been globalized, but the other day they pulled him into town court and are trying to stick another year to him. Weíre pushing for drug court but wonít know until sentencing on September 11. The waiting is the worst thing Iíve ever been through. I donít know how Iím going to get through this next month not knowing if I have to do this for a year or two.

Anyway, Iím so grateful this forum is here. My family has never had anyone in the legal system and they are pretty judgemental and pretentious. I have no support other than what I read here.

Below Iíve included part of a letter I wrote him today. I had a little bit of an ďah-haĒ moment today. Maybe itíll help someone else on here.

ďI think Iím struggling so much with our situation because I still canít accept it for what it is. My mind still rebels about the reality of what happened and how little control I had over any of it. I still canít accept that day I had to hear your sentence and see the look on your face and then walk out of the court room alone. The walk out to my car without you felt unreal, like everything was happening in slow motion and the sunlight was too bright and I slowly got behind the wheel and emotionally lost it. Continued to emotionally lose it for a week.

I need to accept that this is our reality for now. Itís not permanent, but I need to stop clawing for some kind of control or ability to change it. Time is going to pass either way. But one way is going to be a lot more painful than the other. I can try and swim against the tide and cry and hate our situation and mourn your freedom day by day or I can let the water take me and accept that this is where we are for now and be grateful for what we do have. Either way Iím swimming back to you.

Thatís all so much easier said than done when half of my heart is missing. At least I can recognize the issue. Iíll count that as progress.Ē
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Old 08-12-2018, 01:18 PM
nygirl17 nygirl17 is offline
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I to as many have here felt your pain at the very beginning. I never thought in a million years I would be married to someone in prison and have to be away from each other. It's been so hard. I've been waiting three years and we are almost done. It's been a horrible roller coaster ride that I will never go on again. Hang in there and stay positive it will go as fast as you want it to.
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Old 08-12-2018, 01:24 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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I'm sorry you are going through this. If it is a year or under, he well do the time in county. More than a year he will go to state prison. All time in now counts, so it is not wasted time.

If nonviolent and does not have a violent past, he could go upstate and into the Shock program. It does have a drug counseling component and boot camp structure. If he passes and graduates, he could be home in 6 months.

State is generally better than county. Generally they do 5/7 to 6/7ths if their time if eligible for merit and nonviolent.

On 2 years, you are looking at 20 months minus county time (not if bailed out)

Breathe. The not knowing is a lot, but try to look at this as saving his life. Heroin is no joke and is one but buy from OD. Once this is settled, focus on the long term help for him, triggers, etc. It is not over because he stopped.

The longer he is clean the more you'll be able to see the mindset that has come along with drug use. It needs to be cleaned up before there is true success.

Good luck! Ask questions.
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Old 08-12-2018, 01:42 PM
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Recognizing how little control we have seems like a never-ending process. I think I've got it down, then something new pops up and I'm smack against the fact that I can't do anything about it. But my reactions have been tempered by time. I know I can't control when he calls, but I can control when I write/when I accept calls/optional avenues of communication for emergencies. I can't control when I can see him, but I can do my best with my budget so when I have the chance to spend time with him it's less stressful. So I'm still not "in control", but I'm managing the parts of this ride that are mine to manage.

Support is huge. I really don't know how anyone does this without finding like-minds and people who understand. While I know it's zero comfort to you in the now, there are folks on here who have been doing this for decades. It makes a year or two seem like small potatoes. But I honestly think having them taken away for a short period must be hard because you don't have much time to adjust and find your groove before they're back, but with post-incarceration to deal with.
I hope our shared experiences reassure you that this can be done if it's the right thing for you. We lean on each other and learn from what everyone brings to the table.

Welcome to PTO.
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  #5  
Old 08-12-2018, 02:18 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
Recognizing how little control we have seems like a never-ending process. I think I've got it down, then something new pops up and I'm smack against the fact that I can't do anything about it. But my reactions have been tempered by time. I know I can't control when he calls, but I can control when I write/when I accept calls/optional avenues of communication for emergencies. I can't control when I can see him, but I can do my best with my budget so when I have the chance to spend time with him it's less stressful. So I'm still not "in control", but I'm managing the parts of this ride that are mine to manage.

Support is huge. I really don't know how anyone does this without finding like-minds and people who understand. While I know it's zero comfort to you in the now, there are folks on here who have been doing this for decades. It makes a year or two seem like small potatoes. But I honestly think having them taken away for a short period must be hard because you don't have much time to adjust and find your groove before they're back, but with post-incarceration to deal with.
I hope our shared experiences reassure you that this can be done if it's the right thing for you. We lean on each other and learn from what everyone brings to the table.

Welcome to PTO.
What Mia said about control is important. We can only control our actions and reactions. Losing control is hard, but in reality we don't really have it anyway.

We were in a similar place where we thought he was getting a year , but he didn't know they were building a bigger case on him. I called when shit hit the fan.

I remember him viviy in county saying there is no way in hell he was doing a year and it seemed like am eternity. We actually laugh about it now. He got hit with worse, but making it through each day. The last 18 months have flown, but at the time it felt so slow and chaotic.

If you choose to do this, it can be done. It is not all rainbows and sunshine, but a lot of good can come from it. It is truly a matter of perspective. It is also truly loving someone who has screwed up in a big way and has many demons to battle. Definitely a rollercoaster ride.

For us: He is clean, soner, working and staying out of trouble. It makes the hell of what you are going through now worth it. I still cry. This month a lot. It goes in waves. I miss him.and want him home. He wants home. He is homesick.

We are here. We have good ears. I pray they can run his sentences concurrently if he hasn't been sentenced for the first already.
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Old 08-12-2018, 03:17 PM
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I think when everything hits the fan in the beginning is the worst time of all. Everything is fresh and raw, and you feel your heart breaking, and it seems as though life will never be right again. You wonder how you will go on and how you're going to function.


Some kind of way, you make it through. The first days are the worst. You will pretend to everyone that you are ok, but your chest still hurts from the pain of him being gone. Yet, you pick yourself up and go on about your day doing what you know you need to do to take care of yourself.


Time will pass, and soon you will find yourself in a new normal of writing letters to him or waiting for phone calls and planning for visits. If you're smart, you'll keep busy and keep doing good things for yourself while he is in there. Every now and then you might break down, but those bouts will get fewer and fewer. You will learn to be strong for yourself.
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Old 08-12-2018, 04:27 PM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm glad that you have found our forums to be helpful.
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Old 08-12-2018, 11:14 PM
hogi2376 hogi2376 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Firebreather9 View Post
Hi ladies.

Youíre all so inspiring and wonderful. Iíve been reading threads here for a month now (read to page 600-can you say obsessed?)

My boyfriend and I were together for almost a year before he went in. Heís a recovered heroin addict-has more than a year clean, so proud of him - but in the early days of recovery he was clean but not fully sober. Anyone whose not in the recovery community - that basically means he was drug-free but still had some old mindsets and habits he hadnít shaken yet. He racked up some charges before I met him, did well for a long time after but they eventually caught up with him (why is the legal process so drawn out??) and he went in to serve a year about two months ago.

Iíve been alternately a bastion of strength and a full on emotional mess. I originally told him I wouldnít stand by him for a year (we didnít think heíd get that long until he was sentenced, but knew the da had it on the table) but that lasted a week after sentencing and then I decided to stick it out. I just couldnít leave. Being without him at all was so much worse than waiting it out with him.

We thought his charges between the town and city had been globalized, but the other day they pulled him into town court and are trying to stick another year to him. Weíre pushing for drug court but wonít know until sentencing on September 11. The waiting is the worst thing Iíve ever been through. I donít know how Iím going to get through this next month not knowing if I have to do this for a year or two.

Anyway, Iím so grateful this forum is here. My family has never had anyone in the legal system and they are pretty judgemental and pretentious. I have no support other than what I read here.

Below Iíve included part of a letter I wrote him today. I had a little bit of an ďah-haĒ moment today. Maybe itíll help someone else on here.

ďI think Iím struggling so much with our situation because I still canít accept it for what it is. My mind still rebels about the reality of what happened and how little control I had over any of it. I still canít accept that day I had to hear your sentence and see the look on your face and then walk out of the court room alone. The walk out to my car without you felt unreal, like everything was happening in slow motion and the sunlight was too bright and I slowly got behind the wheel and emotionally lost it. Continued to emotionally lose it for a week.

I need to accept that this is our reality for now. Itís not permanent, but I need to stop clawing for some kind of control or ability to change it. Time is going to pass either way. But one way is going to be a lot more painful than the other. I can try and swim against the tide and cry and hate our situation and mourn your freedom day by day or I can let the water take me and accept that this is where we are for now and be grateful for what we do have. Either way Iím swimming back to you.

Thatís all so much easier said than done when half of my heart is missing. At least I can recognize the issue. Iíll count that as progress.Ē
Awe! This made me cry..
I too am a newbie to this situation. I love my man with my whole heart and feel the same way as u, no one to really turn to for comfort as my family also does not accept our relationship(they too are very judgemental and can only see the sin not the sinner, they judge him ok past mistake instead of accepting that he is doing everything he can to turn his life around for me).
But thru it all I will be here for him and continue to try my best to eek out any positive moment thru this that I can. Like his wonderful loving visits, or the wonderful accomplishments that he has(graduated high school and passing anger management) loving him thru the many ups and downs than he is going thru.
Hang in there girl with both hands and even if it's just by ur fingertips some days. Look toward the coming home!
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Old 08-18-2018, 08:02 AM
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I think we all can remember that surreal walk to the car. The emotions are so incredibly raw. You can feel as if somehow you have been sucked into a living nightmare bad tv show. You don't even know how you will make it through the day. Then that day passes and the next and the next. If he is sent to State, at first it can feel overwhelming again, until you figure out how often you can and will be able to afford to visit, how often is practical for him to call (would you rather have one long call, or numerous short calls to let you know he is ok) Each hurdle you get over helps you with the next one. Through out it all, you will have good days and days that are hard, but each one will pass.

You must know he will face temptation for drugs inside and he will have to deal with all the triggers both inside and when he comes home. You won't know for sure if he is staying clean inside. That is extremely hard. It all can seem like a roller coaster. There will be lots of tears, but then you will realize you went through a day not crying, and another and another......
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Old 08-24-2018, 10:44 AM
Yulia89 Yulia89 is offline
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Firebreather,
I really feel for you, as I am in somewhat a similar situation. Mine is a bit more complicated, my boyfriend is an ex heroin addict and I’m myself a recovering opiate addict as well. I’m from Canada, he’s from England. We met online while getting clean and helped each other get clean. Long story short, I was supposed to move out to London 3 weeks before he got arrested. However, what they’re trying to charge him for is not all fair and true. I’m currently waiting to hear if he makes bail, and if he does I’m flying over there next month to be with him before his trial on sep 27th. He’s facing anything between a suspended two year sentence, to a year in prison. The worst part of not knowing and being stuck in limbo. All you can do is just cope day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Like I said my situation is a bit different as we are both recovering addicts, and have never lied to each other about relapses. But I can completely relate to the feeling of not being in control and being in limbo. You don’t have to decide anything right now - as the time goes by, they say things get easier. I’ve decided I’m going to stick it out regardless of his sentence because we’ve been through so much together. There’s no right or wrong answer... just know you’re not alone, do your best to stay strong, and take care of yourself. I know how hard it is, I’m coping day by day, sometimes minute by minute these days, while trying to stay clean on top of everything.

Lots of hugs and prayers your way xx
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Old 08-25-2018, 08:55 PM
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My husband went in on 6/18 for a 2-year sentence for DWI. I had my first contact visit today and to be able to hug him and feel him meant the world to me. We have been married 12 years and have two kids and this has been a punishment for us all. I relive the day when they took him away, our last hug in the hall, the way he looked back as the door closed, and the long walk to the car. I cry every day and each day I think I can’t do it again, but I do, we all do. There are better times ahead for us all and I can’t wait for the day I get to drive to pick him up. For now, I will continue to read all of your inspiring posts. Gets me through the lonely nights. Thanks to you all for sharing your stories. Prayers and well wishes for you all.
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Old 08-25-2018, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rcthomas0527 View Post
My husband went in on 6/18 for a 2-year sentence for DWI. I had my first contact visit today and to be able to hug him and feel him meant the world to me. We have been married 12 years and have two kids and this has been a punishment for us all. I relive the day when they took him away, our last hug in the hall, the way he looked back as the door closed, and the long walk to the car. I cry every day and each day I think I canít do it again, but I do, we all do. There are better times ahead for us all and I canít wait for the day I get to drive to pick him up. For now, I will continue to read all of your inspiring posts. Gets me through the lonely nights. Thanks to you all for sharing your stories. Prayers and well wishes for you all.

So sorry to hear about your situation - I canít imagine how hard it would be with having kids involved, my boyfriend and I donít have kids together . Weíre currently waiting for his trial, itís going to be on sep 27th. Lots of hugs and prayers your way. Day by day, hour by hour, weíll get through this xx
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