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  #1  
Old 02-15-2019, 11:24 PM
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Post Losing friends by choosing to stick by your man

Anyone else going through this? Iíve recently lost 3 friends since the DV incident that has put my man behind bars. All of them expect me to flip a switch and stop loving him, but heís very sick and thatís why heís in jail. I couldnít help him, he needs professional help.

But what Iím not comprehending is why Iím being chastised for loving someone. We canít control who we love, and the person I love, also happens to be very sick.

I have more friends who are supporting my decision to still love him than not. Iím just wondering if any others in here also lost friends by still loving someone who hurt them?🥺

All we want is for our loved ones to be happy, loved, and healthy. Everyone deserves that.
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Old 02-16-2019, 04:23 AM
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But what Iím not comprehending is why Iím being chastised for loving someone. We canít control who we love, and the person I love, also happens to be very sick.
Sorry - the only experience I've had with domestic violence was when I was a lot younger, and I chose to leave him because of his violent, sick mind...so I haven't gone through the exact thing you are going through right now. Therefore I won't comment further on what you are asking about but....I wanted to ask if you found a therapist? I know you were looking for one/appointments before. Reason I am asking is that your loved one is not the only one needing professional help, you need it too - I am not saying this with malice, I am saying it because the question you are asking above is the exact kind of thing that you and the therapist would work through, and s/he will (hopefully) help you understand they why's and how's
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Old 02-16-2019, 02:24 PM
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I don’t think it’s about who you love. It’s about who you choose to be with. That is a choice. You can love someone and not be with them. You can want them to be happy and healthy and no be with them. You do have a choice.

I can’t speak to why you’ve lost friends exactly. I know when I’ve had to walk away from friends in similar situations, it’s because they’re also sick, and choosing to cause themselves pain over and over again. It’s hard for me to watch that. It’s hard to watch when you want your friends to be happy, loved, and healthy, because they deserve that...but they don’t seem to realize they deserve better.
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Old 02-16-2019, 02:38 PM
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I think your friends do want you to be happy and healthy and that is why they cant watch you getting hurt by an abuser. You don't deserve that and they dont deserve having to watch you taking pain.

The best thing you can do is find a DV support center and get into DV counselling.

However you try and excuse this man he is hurting you and that is not acceptable.
A DV relationship is unhealthy and toxic , you may be blinded by it but your friends are not.

You deserve a life free of violence and the threat of violence. I am sure that is what they want for you. That is what you should want for yourself.
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Old 02-16-2019, 04:43 PM
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Sorry - the only experience I've had with domestic violence was when I was a lot younger, and I chose to leave him because of his violent, sick mind...so I haven't gone through the exact thing you are going through right now. Therefore I won't comment further on what you are asking about but....I wanted to ask if you found a therapist? I know you were looking for one/appointments before. Reason I am asking is that your loved one is not the only one needing professional help, you need it too - I am not saying this with malice, I am saying it because the question you are asking above is the exact kind of thing that you and the therapist would work through, and s/he will (hopefully) help you understand they why's and how's
Yes ive had 2 appointments so far. Iím not sure if theyíre helping yet though. :/
I wish I could have more than one in a week, but they donít do that Iím this state.

Oh I know you donít mean any harm. I know my friends care. But my boyfriend is in jail for that very reason óheís sick. So I am safe. I was told regardless he will be sentenced to prison. Min of 3 or max of 22 years. I mean if heís in jail/prison they know Iíll be safe. Which is why Iím so confused.
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:04 PM
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He won’t be in jail forever. And jail isnt a place for professional help. It’s not a treatment facility. It’s not a rehab. It’s not a place where people go to get better.

For people on the outside of the situation, you sitting around and waiting for your abuser is you sitting around waiting to be abused again. And your friends sitting around waiting for you to get hurt again.
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:30 PM
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He wonít be in jail forever. And jail is a place for professional help. Itís not a treatment facility. Itís not a rehab. Itís not a place where people go to get better.

For people on the outside of the situation, you sitting around and waiting for your abuser is you sitting around waiting to be abused again. And your friends sitting around waiting for you to get hurt again.
But thereís always a chance he can get the help if he truly wants it,right? I know thereís also a chance that he might never be able to be helped. And if that time comes, I know Iíll have to accept it. I just want to be able to know I tried to be there for him. Iím just having a hard time walking away until I know I have to, and that I know that I tried.

Heís 33. I also heard it could take a whole new life time to heal which would mean he would be 66 once heís actually ok, mentally. His family would also need therapy....etc


So Iím aware. Itís just I really love him. :/ and I believe in ďin sickness and in healthĒ and Michael is very sick.
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Old 02-16-2019, 07:39 PM
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Hi hun. Please read this article on trauma bonding. There are many more, just google trauma bonding. Love is not abuse.

https://www.breakthesilencedv.org/ho...e-trauma-bond/
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:51 PM
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Hi hun. Please read this article on trauma bonding. There are many more, just google trauma bonding. Love is not abuse.

breakthesilencedv.org/how-can-i-love-someone-who-hurts-me-understanding-the-trauma-bond/
I’ve read so much on trauma bonding. I really don’t think that’s what I have. My detective agreed when I told him that it wasn’t trauma bonding. I feel an honest connection and understanding with him. However, I’m not condoning his actions, that’s why he’s in jail.

Is it possible for a victim to honestly love an abuser without it being tied or labeled as “trauma bonding”?

One thing I found out in therapy is that I need to learn how to “self-care” apparently from outside incidents that have happened throughout my whole life, I’ve become accustomed to taking care of others and just disregard what’s best for myself. But that’s completely normal for me. I really don’t know how to “self-care” the thought alone feels very foreign, strange and uncomfortable.

Just wondering if anyone else is like this? Because maybe that’s part of my problem? I don’t know. All I know is that I do love him, and I really do want Him to be rid of his demons he never deserved. I know he has to also want the help.

But that’s the thing if he deep down wants it, I’d love to be able to see him reach that love, happiness and healthiness we all deserve.

I think it’s so easy for me to disregard myself because I already have such an amazing support system. He doesn’t. So who’s gonna be there for him?

I already have people here for me. So I just split myself in half and dedicate my time helping myself the best I can, while being there for him (because I honestly want to be there for him)

I’m sorry if my reply is all over the place. I hope I made sense.
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:44 PM
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My personal opinion is that you should use all the energy you are currently using for "defending" him on getting help for yourself and you will need it.
Leave him, let him deal with his own demons while you try to live a healthier life.
Check your self-worth and realize you are no Salvation Army/Therapist/Doctor. If he's sick he should get help - professional help.
And here comes one of my favorite sayings: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm... ".
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Old 02-17-2019, 03:02 AM
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One thing I found out in therapy is that I need to learn how to ďself-careĒ apparently from outside incidents that have happened throughout my whole life, Iíve become accustomed to taking care of others and just disregard whatís best for myself. But thatís completely normal for me. I really donít know how to ďself-careĒ the thought alone feels very foreign, strange and uncomfortable.
Well, sweetie - that's a great beginning seeing that in therapy and it sounds like what you describe here might be one huge part of why you can't see the forest from the trees so to speak...you just think you need to take care of your boyfriend and be there for him, and not care for yourself. But, see, therapy and your healing can take a long time - you mention you've had an appointment twice; these things can take years...Not trying to discourage you but a few therapy sessions will not do the trick, you have to be patient and work through these difficult issues. It is not normal to disregard your own safety and health, absolutely not - and there is nothing noble in it either (you didn't say so but just mentioning it). Let me put it this way: you say disregarding your own safety and needs is completely normal for you, and taking care of yourself, putting yourself above other people feels foreign and strange to you. So you are convinced this is the way it is, and you should stand by your man. What if he feels the same about his own behavior? What if abuse is his normal?

We all have our paths in life. Your boyfriend's path, for whatever reason, has him ill and damaged to a degree that makes him want to hurt other people physically, even the ones who love him. It is his path in this life to seek help for that and try to figure out if he can be a better person, a better man one day. It is not your responsibility to do that, no matter what you believe. As WeepingWillow said above, you can love someone but not be with them - your first priority needs to be your health and safety, and also happiness in the long run. Your boyfriend might get better one day, but also he might not - what I've read on these forums there seems to be an overwhelming opinion (apparently based on studies) that abusive people very rarely change their ways.

That boyfriend of mine that I mentioned? He had been violent with his previous girlfriends before me...(I learned that afterwards when his ex came to talk to me after I had broken up with him)...and I bet you he continued with his next girlfriends. He was a good looking guy, very soft spoken and a bit shy; very sensitive and funny, too. He had no problem getting girlfriends....but he ended up beating all of us, apparently - and today, 30 years later, I hear he's alone. Not because people weren't giving him chances; we lived in quite a small town and I know he dated some great girls in his day.....but he never stopped being abusive and nobody could "heal him" or change him by staying with him (his ex was with him for four years). Why? Because you can't cure someone with love.

Sorry I am rambling....I just feel for you and I'd hate to see a young person waste their life believing in something that in a very big likelihood will never happen. I hope you continue with therapy and I hope you might consider, at some point in the future, that you can maybe love this man from afar but let him deal with his own issues - and see that you deserve a man who loves you with all his heart and couldn't bear hurting you, whose most important job is to keep you safe and love & protect you from further hurt. Let the professionals try and heal the damage in your current boyfriend....it is not your job. And even though you don't believe this right now....if you decide to put your own well being first and move on from this relationship, you will be fine...and he will be fine, too. Yes, he will - his health or life is not dependent on you. It is not what you like to hear but....it is quite usual that when an abusive person is left alone, they find someone else to abuse, and often surprisingly quickly. For you, every day forward and away from an abusive relationship is one step ahead with your healing process, and one day you will arrive "on the other side" and see clearly. Love hurts sometimes and it is painful to end a relationship when you still love the person....but that love will dissipate with time, that's just a law of life.

Hoping that you find the clarity and strength to move forward
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Old 02-17-2019, 10:34 AM
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Maybe your situation reminds them of something in their own past that still hurt/haunts them?
Its very difficult to watch someone that you care about go thru what you are going thru. Especially when they see a *way out* of it.
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Old 02-17-2019, 02:11 PM
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There's no "treatment" in prison so he won't get out any better then when he went in. And since you are the victim, how do you propose to maintain a relationship in the years that come?
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:29 AM
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There's no "treatment" in prison so he won't get out any better then when he went in. And since you are the victim, how do you propose to maintain a relationship in the years that come?
And that’s what bothers me. I’ve been hearing how prisons don’t really help, besides keeping dangerous people off the streets. I’ve read up on the ptsd they can get from being on the inside, and how it takes time to adjust back into society....and how it can actually make things worse :/
(I really hope that won’t be his case)

As far as maintaining a relationship, I can’t see myself with anyone else. If my appeal to the permanent RO they placed on me is granted, then I’ll be visiting him whenever I can and look forward to his calls. As long as my boyfriend wants the help, I plan on sticking by him. I just can’t let myself walk away without knowing I tried.

I think I’ve said this in here already, but I believe “in sickness and in health” and my boyfriend is very sick. I’m obviously sick too, and that’s why I’m getting help.

Someone close to me once told me that.
“Love is patient”

I wholeheartedly agree. So, I’ll wait.

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Old 02-19-2019, 10:25 PM
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You’re well within your rights to handle things how you see fit.

But at least have enough self awareness to understand why some people around you would struggle with your decision.

It’s not my job as a friend (or a partner) to blindly support people no matter what.
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Old 02-20-2019, 09:19 AM
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But at least have enough self awareness to understand why some people around you would struggle with your decision.
Yes, this ^^

And if it is difficult to grasp why your loved ones struggle with your decision to stay with a person who is abusive towards you....imagine if your best friend, mother, sister or daughter was in your shoes and asked you to understand their choice to accept abuse.

Pretty extreme comparison, but maybe it will help you understand: if your best friend or sister or daughter would be addicted to playing Russian Roulette and asked you to sit and watch them do it, round after round.....would you be supportive of that? It may seem like an extreme comparison, but that is what you are essentially doing with your life; letting someone abuse you, not knowing if the next blow will kill you.
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Old 02-20-2019, 03:24 PM
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Anyone else going through this? I’ve recently lost 3 friends since the DV incident that has put my man behind bars. All of them expect me to flip a switch and stop loving him, but he’s very sick and that’s why he’s in jail. I couldn’t help him, he needs professional help.

But what I’m not comprehending is why I’m being chastised for loving someone. We can’t control who we love, and the person I love, also happens to be very sick.

I have more friends who are supporting my decision to still love him than not. I’m just wondering if any others in here also lost friends by still loving someone who hurt them?��

All we want is for our loved ones to be happy, loved, and healthy. Everyone deserves that.

My first husband wasn't arrested for domestic violence, but he had some issues with that in our marriage that others definitely knew about. They also pressured me to leave, and I didn't. Though I didn't love him. I stayed because the thought of tearing up the family with two small kids just seemed so sad and tragic to me. At the time, my mind was so foggy that I was really thinking that having a seriously flawed husband and father at home was better then nothing. Looking back, I see I was wrong, but I also now know that to judge a woman in similar circumstances and berate her for not leaving is basically the equivalent of battering an already battered woman. When the police swooped down on us and took everyone away, it was the most surreal experience of my life. One moment, I was sewing up a tear in my little boys pant leg, and the next minute I'm sitting alone in my living room wondering what just happened, after I just came back in from chasing the car the CPS worker was driving away in, along with my two small children. Absolutely horrifying, and I could not believe they were actually going to put me through that with the reports they had of witness claims of my abuse. How could they claim to be for women and children and put me thru that? Why weren't they at least willing to take me along? Help ME out? But they just didn't care about me, and that just blew my mind.
My "friends" also, didn't care as much as they led me to believe. Turns out, they only acted like they cared enough to be nosy and in my business. When push came to shove, and the arrests happened, suddenly they took off to the four winds. Some of whom, couldn't even be located to have subpoenas delivered. One even flat out refused to show.
So yeah, I totally understand what you are going thru. An important thing to remember, is to be VERY careful on what you tell people. You never know what can be used against you later on.

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Old 03-12-2019, 05:53 AM
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I lost friends. Later, after I'd kicked him to the curb and started working on me instead of trying to fix him, I asked every single friend who had walked away from me why. Why did they walk away? Why did they leave me without support?

Every. Single. One. They all said the same thing: "We couldn't watch anymore. We tried to help. We tried to get you to see what was going on, but you were blind. And we saw the train wreck coming, and we had to close our eyes."

It seems backwards, but now, after decades of therapy, I can understand friends needing to turn their backs because they know what's coming and they simply can't watch. It's too painful.

Take time to work on you. The universe will take care of itself while you're working on you.
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:10 AM
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Lost my dad recently too as far as people who are supportive. Right now I just need supportive people. I’m learning about self care in therapy and this is something I’m doing for me. I’m getting rid of the people who are negative towards my boyfriend and keeping those who are supportive close to me. And it honestly makes me feel better surrounding myself with those who are only supportive.
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Old 03-15-2019, 05:33 AM
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It definitely helps to have supportive people around you.

As long as you're working on you, and not working on aiding him in his abuse of you (figuring out how to be "better for him" but not "better for you"), then I fully support your plan.
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Old 03-15-2019, 12:27 PM
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As someone who works in a prison I will tell you this. Prison is not the best place for someone to Heal mentally and to seek help. Yes we have Psychologists on staff, but they are over worked and are dealing with a multitude of problems.

Yes prisons offer workshops and reading materials and classes. But it not way enough. For someone to change, in and out of prison they have to want it for themselves.

Prison is a very negative environment and it is difficult to overcome that and come out better on the other end. That is why we have a revolving door justice system.
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Old 03-16-2019, 05:17 AM
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Mickeys Girl! Hi! I have read this entire thread and I know everyone on here wants too and will support you. I have a few questions if you don’t mind, I will not be judgemental at all, I’m just trying to figure out what your going through in my mind. How old are you? Is this your first serious relationship? Do you believe that you possibly did something that made him hit you? Did you grow up in an abusive home? Was your father a kind man? I’m sorry that he passed away, that has to be very stressful and sad. You Love him, can you list the top 5 things he does that makes you feel Loved? Also the 5 top things that made him abuse you? Can you give me the reasons you feel the Judge was wrong by issuing a no contact order? Does your boyfriend have an actual mental condition? Or does he abuse because he can’t control his temper? I’m just trying to understand the details of your situation. Above you wrote that you are getting rid of all the negative friends, that do not support your boyfriend, but are these negative friends willing to support you if you were to choose not to be with your boyfriend? I know these are personal questions, I’m sorry. I just truly want to understand where your unique situation, I do very much wish you the best life possible for you!
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Old 03-16-2019, 10:17 AM
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I believe life is happier when you cut out toxic people.

But I also believe we all need people in our corner who will tell us if weíre being dumbasses. Not with an intent to control or belittle, but out of concern.

Because many times, weíre too close to our situation to realize weíre hurting ourselves.

I donít know your friends and family, so Iím not implying anything directly to your situation, but I wanted to put that out there.
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Old 03-16-2019, 10:32 AM
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I actually do need people in my life who will tell me if or when I'm doing stupid stuff... but... in the end it's still my life and I have to suffer all consequences (good & bad) for my actions (good or bad). Sometimes love makes you blind and stupid and good friends maybe give me a good notch... (is that the right word?). But again... in the end I have to live with my decisions (again, good and bad).
But I'm very fortunate that I have those very few friends who will tell me stuff but won't judge me and stick by me no matter what.
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Old 03-16-2019, 09:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mickys_girl888 View Post

Someone close to me once told me that.
“Love is patient”

I wholeheartedly agree. So, I’ll wait.

i lost a few friends at the time as well,then i realize why and i didn't look back,and 2 out of the three still are in touch with me today as both know life too short to lose a "real caring amiga."and we are all close still now, and it's better than ever since i made (for mi self)the RIGHT decision.

i already shared here about mi abusive loser no good POS ex-factor, so i am not going to repeat it all, however, i knew i had two simplistic choices. 1.(choose mi own happiness and not to end of "dead" or on the other side of the inside of his palm-hand, as he was about to smack me around again and or #2.)choose to be happy and healthy again, with a beautiful healthy care-free positive-good life daily to look foward to." I chose #2 and have been blessed each passing day, by being more happier than i have ever been and this is well over 10 yrs ago, in my late 20s,started early 20s through 2 very bad D.V.relationships and i have vowed to always choose ME,1st and foremost. " A man who "hit you, sure does not love u, let alone like u."That's what mi father a #real man, a great man always taught us, his girls, and i believe it more than ever now, and or degrade you with the "b"word, or any bad words period. That's not real amor. A man who can treat you worse than a dog, or his
homie's, is not a man who LOVE U, let alone is "in love"with you..I finally get it..Took a while but i am happy to have learned this before i could've many x in life, ended up dead or back in a hospital bed, lying to mi self saying, But...He loves me..." Thank the LORD, that, I know better now.



Actually:

i used to be like and or sound alot like you, chica, hola. Pero...(but)i am so very happy those days are over for years now... I can breathe again, i can sleep without losing weight, and or fret over "what if he yell(abusively/hit me again) and or this time permanently disgure mi beautiful face? I can just relax now, breathe the fresh air again, live freely+ not have to "cry/hide/make excuses anymore for why he does the things he do,such as abuse me." No mas...(no more) i did "try" to help him realize he truly need/needed alot of mental help, to preclude from being the way he was with me. However, after trying 1x, 2x, i said enough. He just was not at all gettin' it,and i started to realize mi worth, got up mi self-esteem, went to a great counselor 2x a week or so, and realize that i am worth more than the B.S.,
-
and agony he was putting us through, and i was one of the more lucky ones who lived to tell about it and move on to greener healthierhappier pastures. Real love is patient, sure is... to a "point."But, being abused over and over again, repeatedly treated like dirt, and as if you're nothing= NOT REAL AMOR."Sorry...That is not what real love is for any one.
It's not chica...

I realized one night if i sat around and kept waiting, and "waiting"for him to get himself together while abusing me, i would miss out on things truly beautiful, and healthy for me, in life and life is so short, that i did not want any "greatness in life to pass me by,hence, no regrets, on eventually moving on, and realizing i am worth more than how he was not only treatin' me but treatin' us." I pray for you, and god bless you chica, adios. hugs blessings your way tonight."
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 03-16-2019 at 09:37 PM..
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