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Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

View Poll Results: How effective is visitation for our beloved inmates?
Extemely effective 969 86.67%
Very effective 112 10.02%
Somewhat effective 29 2.59%
Not effective 8 0.72%
Voters: 1118. You may not vote on this poll

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  #251  
Old 04-21-2018, 12:56 PM
Kimimi Kimimi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cs major View Post
I did a 13 months on a 2 year sentence back in 2005 / 2006. I can say from my own experience that I really didn't like being visited. I know it may sound weird.

When in prison you are part of a culture that is very different from any on the outs. You have to carry yourself a certain way. It was mostly my mom and dad who came to see me. They had to drive all day to get down to the prison in Coalinga, CA to see me. They would usually stay all day, for 6 or 7 hours. I loved seeing them, but it was hard to adjust my demeanor and act right around my mom and dad. Eventually throughout our visits I would loosen up, and end up having a great time, but then I would have to adjust back to my prison mentality and demeanor once the visit was over. Plus I would miss them like hell as soon as they left.

Going through this was just emotionally taxing and exhausting. I found it easier to not see them at all, and just talk on the phone and write letters. I never had the heart to tell them this because I knew it would break my mom's heart, but honestly, I would have rather just done my time without anyone coming to see me.
Itís not weird, maybe rare. Thank you for sharing this, my boyfriend is the same way. He said visits make his time harder and longer for the reasons you said. He said he has to immerse himself in the prison reality while he is there in order to survive. So many people in my life kept acting like he was rejecting me personally, luckily when he explained it to me it just rang true and I knew he was being honest.
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  #252  
Old 04-21-2018, 01:15 PM
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Wallflower78me Wallflower78me is offline
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My boyfriend is okay with his family or me coming to visit him but he never asks for it or acts like itís something he wants bad. I know each inmate is different. Like me visiting he said it will be hard because he wants to touch me, kiss me , & more lol but canít. So it makes it harder sometimes. Of course you do get hug / kiss but brief. I havenít been to visit him yet. Iím sure I will but for now he seems like Jpay, phone calls are the better way to spend my money.
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  #253  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:54 AM
MissStar MissStar is offline
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I visit as often as I can. I live over two thousand miles away, so I only get to visit two or three times a year (in person visit). However, we do the video visits once a week (sometimes more). He absolutely loves the in person visits! He also has other family who visits every other month. I think it depends on the person incarcerated, honestly. Everybody is different.
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  #254  
Old 07-24-2018, 05:20 PM
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After reading the comments here, I asked my hubby point blank. He told me that my visits are all that keeps him out of trouble. He knows that if he gets in trouble I will not be able to come see him, so he watches what he does. He said that the visits help him to do the time. This is not his first time in and he said this time is so much different because he now has a family that comes to see him.
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  #255  
Old 02-07-2019, 11:27 AM
Danny3001 Danny3001 is offline
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I spent 11 months in a young offenders prison and was released two months ago. Unfortunately I live on an island and there were no young offender places available there so I was transported to a prison on the mainland. I received no visitors at all (not even Christmas or birthday) because it is so expensive and time consuming to travel to the mainland. I almost went completely crazy from the isolation. If I wasnít on suicide watch then I was in segregation due to getting in fights. I was a very angry person then.

So, I suppose my answer is that visitation is extremely important and being able to see your loved ones is essential for a prisonerís mental health.
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  #256  
Old 02-10-2019, 12:07 PM
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lizlizzie2 lizlizzie2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimimi View Post
Itís not weird, maybe rare. Thank you for sharing this, my boyfriend is the same way. He said visits make his time harder and longer for the reasons you said. He said he has to immerse himself in the prison reality while he is there in order to survive. So many people in my life kept acting like he was rejecting me personally, luckily when he explained it to me it just rang true and I knew he was being honest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cs major View Post
I did a 13 months on a 2 year sentence back in 2005 / 2006. I can say from my own experience that I really didn't like being visited. I know it may sound weird.

When in prison you are part of a culture that is very different from any on the outs. You have to carry yourself a certain way. It was mostly my mom and dad who came to see me. They had to drive all day to get down to the prison in Coalinga, CA to see me. They would usually stay all day, for 6 or 7 hours. I loved seeing them, but it was hard to adjust my demeanor and act right around my mom and dad. Eventually throughout our visits I would loosen up, and end up having a great time, but then I would have to adjust back to my prison mentality and demeanor once the visit was over. Plus I would miss them like hell as soon as they left.

Going through this was just emotionally taxing and exhausting. I found it easier to not see them at all, and just talk on the phone and write letters. I never had the heart to tell them this because I knew it would break my mom's heart, but honestly, I would have rather just done my time without anyone coming to see me.
My son really needed my visits in the beginning. He was 22, very young, scared and hungry (vending machines during visits he would eat everything). But, as he matured, became more familiar, and was moved to the other side of the state with better food and more understanding of the system, my visits became less necessary to his survival. I think he too had to adjust to mom being there. I would do a 2-day visit because it was an 8 hour drive each way for me. It felt like we didn't get comfortable with each other until day 2. With a job and more food available to him, he wasn't as interested in the food visits and didn't feel neglected when I skipped those that were in winter.

After 5 years with less than a year left, he was moved to only an hour away. At the current location, he needs to know I am planning to visit as if he is away from his bed then no one finds him to tell him he has a visitor. He keeps busy with exercise, sports, studying. At age 29, I think there is less a need for mom to be there.

There is a combination of factors that affect inmates. They do become institutionalized. They do need the connections to the outside to remember what the real world is like - letters, phone calls, and visits. My son always is saddened by those inmates who have no one. He always shares securepaks and such with those who have nothing, especially during the holidays. He has always been in a dorm prison environment so that makes it easier to provide group support of others. But, inmates also have to find a way to survive inside and that is a completely different mindset than dealing with us on the outside.

Interestingly inmates try to "dress up" for visitation. They save their best looking, least faded shirts and pants to wear. They make sure their sneakers are clean. When they don't have a non-faded item, they will borrow or make a trade for that day so that they can wear something nice. It is respect for we who visit and also a matter of self-respect for themselves.
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  #257  
Old 02-10-2019, 09:21 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizlizzie2 View Post
My son really needed my visits in the beginning. He was 22, very young, scared and hungry (vending machines during visits he would eat everything). But, as he matured, became more familiar, and was moved to the other side of the state with better food and more understanding of the system, my visits became less necessary to his survival. I think he too had to adjust to mom being there. I would do a 2-day visit because it was an 8 hour drive each way for me. It felt like we didn't get comfortable with each other until day 2. With a job and more food available to him, he wasn't as interested in the food visits and didn't feel neglected when I skipped those that were in winter.

After 5 years with less than a year left, he was moved to only an hour away. At the current location, he needs to know I am planning to visit as if he is away from his bed then no one finds him to tell him he has a visitor. He keeps busy with exercise, sports, studying. At age 29, I think there is less a need for mom to be there.

There is a combination of factors that affect inmates. They do become institutionalized. They do need the connections to the outside to remember what the real world is like - letters, phone calls, and visits. My son always is saddened by those inmates who have no one. He always shares securepaks and such with those who have nothing, especially during the holidays. He has always been in a dorm prison environment so that makes it easier to provide group support of others. But, inmates also have to find a way to survive inside and that is a completely different mindset than dealing with us on the outside.

Interestingly inmates try to "dress up" for visitation. They save their best looking, least faded shirts and pants to wear. They make sure their sneakers are clean. When they don't have a non-faded item, they will borrow or make a trade for that day so that they can wear something nice. It is respect for we who visit and also a matter of self-respect for themselves.
My honey saves his best clothes for a visit. He makes sure he is ironed and shaved. It makes him feel good. He also prefers if I dont wear a sweats either. Like we are on a date or somewhere outside of there for a little while. It is the little things that can mean so much.
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  #258  
Old 03-12-2019, 07:52 AM
trauma4us trauma4us is offline
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My son has been incarcerated for >5 years in the same prison. He has a little less than 2 years to go. We (Mom and Dad) visit along with his son who is now 12. The visits are good because our son is able to keep a relationship with his Dad and thats super important.
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  #259  
Old 03-12-2019, 08:26 AM
Ricoluv29 Ricoluv29 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
My honey saves his best clothes for a visit. He makes sure he is ironed and shaved. It makes him feel good. He also prefers if I dont wear a sweats either. Like we are on a date or somewhere outside of there for a little while. It is the little things that can mean so much.
Ahw. I didn't pay much attention that other inmates do this too. I thought my man was just being his usual self of always having to look good.
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  #260  
Old 03-12-2019, 08:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cs major View Post
They had to drive all day to get down to the prison in Coalinga, CA to see me. They would usually stay all day, for 6 or 7 hours. I loved seeing them, but it was hard to adjust my demeanor and act right around my mom and dad. Eventually throughout our visits I would loosen up, and end up having a great time, but then I would have to adjust back to my prison mentality and demeanor once the visit was over. Plus I would miss them like hell as soon as they left.

Going through this was just emotionally taxing and exhausting. I found it easier to not see them at all, and just talk on the phone and write letters. I never had the heart to tell them this because I knew it would break my mom's heart, but honestly, I would have rather just done my time without anyone coming to see me.
I feel this way with visits and I feel like my man is in the same boat.
Like, we're dying to be together and seeing each other helps but the fact that we can only have 8 hours every other week together then return to our daily without one another. He stresses about my 3 hour drive to and from the prison. He always sounds down when he calls after visiting. It hurts.
It's good in the moment but all the emotions that follow after are hard to deal with.
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