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Old 11-10-2017, 10:49 PM
BlueTulip BlueTulip is offline
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Default Seeking advice from mothers

Would you be hurt if you heard from a son/daughter's old friend/ex that you had never met?

My situation: I met a boy in high school. We held hands and passed notes. He was my first kiss and love. He was having problems at home and dropped out of school and out of my life. I was devastated and thought of him often. I had heard he was married with a son while I attended college and graduated. Not long after he contacted me via email and the hope was alive. He was divorced and said all the things I wanted to hear. I was hesitant and still naive and immature and waited six months before agreeing to see him. As expected the chemistry was still there. He asked me to move in with him the first time we met face to face. I told him I couldn't do that and he disappeared again; would not return my calls. I moved out on my own and got my first job a few months later. I had heard he was engaged and pieced together he must have been seeing her during that same period that we were emailing, talking on the phone etc. I was confused and hurt, but we had mutual friends and I agreed to meet the fiancť and get closure so I could move on. I cried for a week and mourned this boy for a second time.

I started dating my now husband and got married. I had heard the boy had another son with his second wife. A year later I heard the news that he had done some unthinkable things and was in prison. He was sentenced to over 60 years. I had to grieve again. Even though this boy had done me wrong, I have always felt a unexplainable and unconditional love and bond for/with him. Even though I know what he has done and I honestly cannot even fathom how this happened, I still care for him. It has been almost 20 years since his arrest.

Obviously I have moved on, but I still think about him from time to time. I wonder how he is. If he ever got the degree he was determined to get by 30. Is he lonely. Does he need someone to talk to who cares for him and would not judge him for the horrible things he did. I feel terrible that I never wrote to him, but let's me real: he chose other women over me, so I was still processing anger, confusion and grief. Ultimately he gave me the gift of not deveststing my life which I am thankful for.

I found his mom on Facebook. I have no idea how she has gotten on, but I feel like she may be only one that will understand how I feel about her son. I'm not interested in anything romantic. I just want to ask how he is, if she talks to him and let her know that I care. It feels horribly selfish also.

So mothers, if a girl you didn't know messaged you about your son out of the blue... would you be hurt, relieved, comforted? Or should I carry on with my life and leave it alone? Think about him from time to time and never reach out? She is in her late 60s now by the way and he has 20 more years before being eligible for parole. My heart just breaks when I think about the life wasted. I know first love is often idealized, but he was so sweet and intelligent and it has been hard to accept the reality of this even after so many years.

Thanks for any and all advice and for reading my story.
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Old 11-11-2017, 06:27 AM
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Honestly, I would be cold. Not hurt, not angry, just kind of meh. I have been contacted by some of his old friends and girlfriends and while they pledge to be there for him and for me and to write him, etc., it only lasts a couple of months and they move on. I know he is hurt when all that happens but I've gotten to the point where I just roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders. For awhile I did get angry when I'd be contacted by one knowing they would be a blip on the radar then disappear and my son would get hurt.
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Old 11-11-2017, 07:18 AM
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In my opinion I would leave it be. Why open up all those feelings and hurt again. But this time he would do it for much longer and then nothing.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:01 AM
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I'm a little different then some I be-leave everyone needs a friend, BUT , again be VERY
careful ! Friends are someone you can tell anything to, Not used, he is a inmate now, games they play can hurt your heart, ruin your life and on and on. Always remember your a wife, maybe a mother, and have a great life. Don't throw that away. If you can keep as a friend great, if not keep walking. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back! From a inmates mom !
Hugs honey !
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:05 AM
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Thank you all for the honesty. I needed to hear it and see it in writing from those of you who experience it. In my heart I know leaving it be is the right thing to do for all.

Just to clarify, I only wanted to ask HER how he is doing. I didn't want to begin communicating with him. That is a rabbit hole I cannot go down as much as I will always care about him. There is no doubt he would try to manipulate and use me, and there is a good chance he would succeed.
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:25 AM
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I have to agree with Sass I would be like whatever. When my son was in prison I was contacted by a few of his exs and girls who wanted to "be there", Usually after they had had a relationship break up and they wanted someone to fill the gap and they never stuck around for long. My son would get let down time and time again by the fly by nights who were going to be there, but I lost interest in them as i was one that truly there like mums always are.
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Old 11-11-2017, 11:11 AM
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Thank you for your response also. I am actually surprised to hear how often this happens and I am so sorry that it has hurt you and your children so much which is why I asked the question in the first place. I do not want to hurt anyone.

I think my original post may have been confusing and gave the impression that I wanted to begin communication with him also. I do not. I know how to write to him directly, but it is not an option. I somewhat regretted not doing so many years ago, but as you all mention it would not have been something that lasted for a multitude of different reasons and was best for all involved.

I thought his mom would be able to tell me how he is doing and it would avoid any contact with him. She would have no motive to be untruthful. If she wishes she could tell me how she has been dealing with it and how she is doing.

Most of you sound strongly against me contacting her and I understand, respect and am taking the advice. I am not looking to hurt her, and it sounds like I might also be hurt by her response if she is cold. Thank you again.
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Old 11-11-2017, 06:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueTulip View Post
Would you be hurt if you heard from a son/daughter's old friend/ex that you had never met?

My situation: I met a boy in high school. We held hands and passed notes. He was my first kiss and love. He was having problems at home and dropped out of school and out of my life. I was devastated and thought of him often. I had heard he was married with a son while I attended college and graduated. Not long after he contacted me via email and the hope was alive. He was divorced and said all the things I wanted to hear. I was hesitant and still naive and immature and waited six months before agreeing to see him. As expected the chemistry was still there. He asked me to move in with him the first time we met face to face. I told him I couldn't do that and he disappeared again; would not return my calls. I moved out on my own and got my first job a few months later. I had heard he was engaged and pieced together he must have been seeing her during that same period that we were emailing, talking on the phone etc. I was confused and hurt, but we had mutual friends and I agreed to meet the fiancť and get closure so I could move on. I cried for a week and mourned this boy for a second time.

I started dating my now husband and got married. I had heard the boy had another son with his second wife. A year later I heard the news that he had done some unthinkable things and was in prison. He was sentenced to over 60 years. I had to grieve again. Even though this boy had done me wrong, I have always felt a unexplainable and unconditional love and bond for/with him. Even though I know what he has done and I honestly cannot even fathom how this happened, I still care for him. It has been almost 20 years since his arrest.

Obviously I have moved on, but I still think about him from time to time. I wonder how he is. If he ever got the degree he was determined to get by 30. Is he lonely. Does he need someone to talk to who cares for him and would not judge him for the horrible things he did. I feel terrible that I never wrote to him, but let's me real: he chose other women over me, so I was still processing anger, confusion and grief. Ultimately he gave me the gift of not deveststing my life which I am thankful for.

I found his mom on Facebook. I have no idea how she has gotten on, but I feel like she may be only one that will understand how I feel about her son. I'm not interested in anything romantic. I just want to ask how he is, if she talks to him and let her know that I care. It feels horribly selfish also.

So mothers, if a girl you didn't know messaged you about your son out of the blue... would you be hurt, relieved, comforted? Or should I carry on with my life and leave it alone? Think about him from time to time and never reach out? She is in her late 60s now by the way and he has 20 more years before being eligible for parole. My heart just breaks when I think about the life wasted. I know first love is often idealized, but he was so sweet and intelligent and it has been hard to accept the reality of this even after so many years.

Thanks for any and all advice and for reading my story.



I am the mom of a son in prison. I certainly donít want to seem harsh or critical, but my overwhelming feeling is that you are just looking to satisfy your curiosity. From what you say, itís been years since he was sentenced, youíve had no contact with his mom nor have you ever met her, and then suddenly you express interest and concern. I would find that very uncomfortable and I wouldnít be inclined to share anything at all. Weíre all different and she may appreciate your reaching out, but that is how I would react.

Iím sure some of us have had boyfriends in the past who we still think about. Iíve been happily married for over 40 years, but I still think about one guy in particular. I hope that heís okay and that his life has turned out well, but thatís as far as it goes. There is really nothing to be gained from knowing more and I'm not looking for anything more. You say that you're not either so maybe you just need to let it go and enjoy the life you have now.
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Old 11-11-2017, 08:52 PM
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Thank you for your comment. It is more than curiosity. I have always cared, but was/am afraid of the consequences contact could have on my life, marriage and family.

You did give me more to consider. I would never contact any other ex or their family, so why this one? It is best to let it go. I appreciate the honesty. It is not what I wanted to hear, but it is what I needed to hear.
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:33 PM
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You know, I was thinking that you have the advantage (or maybe itís the disadvantage) of knowing what happened to him. I can see how that would be hard to accept. It didnít turn out well and you feel terrible for him. I really do get that. For all I know, my old boyfriend also ended up in prison and never led the life I had hoped for him. I would feel terrible as well. As it is, I can imagine that he is happy and successful and I would rather think that than the alternative. You donít have that luxury.

With that being said, I hope youíll be able to put the past behind you. Iíve always like this quote and maybe it will help you move forward a little more easily. ďIf you donít leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer and not for what yesterday has taken away.Ē I hope that helps a little bit and I wish you much happiness in the future.
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Old 11-12-2017, 09:53 PM
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I appreciate that so much. This is something I will likely struggle with to some extent over the years (it's just impossible to erase what I know), but I definitely have a happy life and so much to be thankful for and look forward to.

My hope is that he has gotten the education he told me he always wanted and that he comes out of this as the kind, thoughtful, patient and intelligent person I knew.

It has really helped me to talk about this, because since his arrest nobody in my life has understood why I care.
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Old 11-13-2017, 04:48 PM
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My son is 32, been in prison for 4+ years now with multiple years left. One of his x's from when he was a teen does write to him occasionally. This woman is only 5 years younger then me and I can't stand her!

I would be VERY angry if an x-contacted me....sorry.
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Old 11-13-2017, 05:22 PM
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In my opinion ...if you are married and have moved on why even bother asking?? I mean if he walked out of ur life once and you did the same more then likely thats whats going to happen. I think you might be infatuated the your "1st love" not the man that he is now especially after doing 20 yrs that teenager that u once loved is a total different man now. And regarding asking the mom about him ...why even put her in a position that she would have to talk about something so hurtful? Because she lost her son the day he got sentence 60 yrs ...you could have asked one of his friends or sibling, why her? I dont know but why open up a can of worms when you are really not sure what you are are looking for?? ....just my opinion!
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Old 11-13-2017, 10:27 PM
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In my opinion ...if you are married and have moved on why even bother asking?? I mean if he walked out of ur life once and you did the same more then likely thats whats going to happen. I think you might be infatuated the your "1st love" not the man that he is now especially after doing 20 yrs that teenager that u once loved is a total different man now. And regarding asking the mom about him ...why even put her in a position that she would have to talk about something so hurtful? Because she lost her son the day he got sentence 60 yrs ...you could have asked one of his friends or sibling, why her? I dont know but why open up a can of worms when you are really not sure what you are are looking for?? ....just my opinion!
I wanted to ask because this is a person I was very close to during our young lives and I genuinely care about him. I asked the question here because I wanted to know if any mothers had been asked about their child and how it made them feel so that I could gauge if it would be a hurtful thing to do.

I cannot ask a friend or sibling because there are none. His crimes were SO related, so everyone in his life (including myself) kept their distance. If he comes up in conversation every single person I know is hateful and cold.

I think I have a different perspective than most of society and the majority of the people who knew him. I do not think his crimes define him. Yes, terrible choices were made and I do not understand them. He is suffering the consequences of his actions, however people can change and I had hoped to hear that he has.

I have struggled with this from the very beginning. It's not really a curiosity or infatuation type of situation. I know I am doing a bad job of explaining it, but I have gotten some really good advice here and it has helped me understand that this is something I need to move past because it is not healthy for me and it would likely be hurtful/painful for his mother.

Last edited by BlueTulip; 11-13-2017 at 10:45 PM..
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Old 11-14-2017, 04:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueTulip View Post
Would you be hurt if you heard from a son/daughter's old friend/ex that you had never met?

My situation: I met a boy in high school. We held hands and passed notes. He was my first kiss and love. He was having problems at home and dropped out of school and out of my life. I was devastated and thought of him often. I had heard he was married with a son while I attended college and graduated. Not long after he contacted me via email and the hope was alive. He was divorced and said all the things I wanted to hear. I was hesitant and still naive and immature and waited six months before agreeing to see him. As expected the chemistry was still there. He asked me to move in with him the first time we met face to face. I told him I couldn't do that and he disappeared again; would not return my calls. I moved out on my own and got my first job a few months later. I had heard he was engaged and pieced together he must have been seeing her during that same period that we were emailing, talking on the phone etc. I was confused and hurt, but we had mutual friends and I agreed to meet the fiancť and get closure so I could move on. I cried for a week and mourned this boy for a second time.

I started dating my now husband and got married. I had heard the boy had another son with his second wife. A year later I heard the news that he had done some unthinkable things and was in prison. He was sentenced to over 60 years. I had to grieve again. Even though this boy had done me wrong, I have always felt a unexplainable and unconditional love and bond for/with him. Even though I know what he has done and I honestly cannot even fathom how this happened, I still care for him. It has been almost 20 years since his arrest.

Obviously I have moved on, but I still think about him from time to time. I wonder how he is. If he ever got the degree he was determined to get by 30. Is he lonely. Does he need someone to talk to who cares for him and would not judge him for the horrible things he did. I feel terrible that I never wrote to him, but let's me real: he chose other women over me, so I was still processing anger, confusion and grief. Ultimately he gave me the gift of not deveststing my life which I am thankful for.

I found his mom on Facebook. I have no idea how she has gotten on, but I feel like she may be only one that will understand how I feel about her son. I'm not interested in anything romantic. I just want to ask how he is, if she talks to him and let her know that I care. It feels horribly selfish also.

So mothers, if a girl you didn't know messaged you about your son out of the blue... would you be hurt, relieved, comforted? Or should I carry on with my life and leave it alone? Think about him from time to time and never reach out? She is in her late 60s now by the way and he has 20 more years before being eligible for parole. My heart just breaks when I think about the life wasted. I know first love is often idealized, but he was so sweet and intelligent and it has been hard to accept the reality of this even after so many years.

Thanks for any and all advice and for reading my story.
If you have a husband or boyfriend now I probably would not reach out to him because once you do he will start wanting you to write him and he will want to call you because people in jail does that. It's best to try to let it go if you can and move on with your life because 20 years is to long to wait for someone that you wasn't with before they got locked up.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:03 AM
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I appreciate your sensitivity in asking before contacting your friends mother. I am with Sass and Maytayah.

It is good that you think of your friend outside of what happened. Know that what you know about what happened is not what happened.

It has been 17 years and my son still has people who pop up from time to time. Usually in between relationships, sometimes not. Mostly they don't stick around, and these are people I have known since childhood. My son is happy for the contact, and ends up hurt.

I know you said you wanted to contact his mom, but what can you do if he is not ok?

My opinion, remember him kindly. If you want to do something, pick a charity and make a donation once a year in his name. If he reads, find out if you can donate books to the prison library for example.
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Old 11-14-2017, 08:07 AM
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I appreciate your sensitivity in asking before contacting your friends mother. I am with Sass and Maytayah.

It is good that you think of your friend outside of what happened. Know that what you know about what happened is not what happened.

It has been 17 years and my son still has people who pop up from time to time. Usually in between relationships, sometimes not. Mostly they don't stick around, and these are people I have known since childhood. My son is happy for the contact, and ends up hurt.

I know you said you wanted to contact his mom, but what can you do if he is not ok?

My opinion, remember him kindly. If you want to do something, pick a charity and make a donation once a year in his name. If he reads, find out if you can donate books to the prison library for example.
You are right. While I had already made the decision to NOT contact her after the first few replies, I did not fully consider that he might not be ok.

I think the idea of donating books is lovely and I will 100% do that. Thank you for the helpful suggestion and for sharing your perspective.
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Old 11-14-2017, 03:28 PM
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Charlieís Mom has a wonderful perspective and has come up with a very helpful solution for you, Blue Tulip . Itís also a good reminder for us with loved ones in prison. I do donate every year to Angel Tree Network in honor of my son and his son who he hasnít seen in 6 years, but donating books to the prison library is something I hadnít thought about. Iím sure there are other ways to do something as well. Thank you Charlieís Mom!
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Old 11-19-2017, 07:22 AM
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Quote:
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Thank you for your response also. I am actually surprised to hear how often this happens and I am so sorry that it has hurt you and your children so much which is why I asked the question in the first place. I do not want to hurt anyone.

I think my original post may have been confusing and gave the impression that I wanted to begin communication with him also. I do not. I know how to write to him directly, but it is not an option. I somewhat regretted not doing so many years ago, but as you all mention it would not have been something that lasted for a multitude of different reasons and was best for all involved.

I thought his mom would be able to tell me how he is doing and it would avoid any contact with him. She would have no motive to be untruthful. If she wishes she could tell me how she has been dealing with it and how she is doing.

Most of you sound strongly against me contacting her and I understand, respect and am taking the advice. I am not looking to hurt her, and it sounds like I might also be hurt by her response if she is cold. Thank you again.
Hi ,
I'm new to this site ! I have a son that is incarcerated and personally welcome inquirys about his well being . It really makes me feel better knowing he isn't forgotten for the great guy he is . I'm finding my own family no longer even ask about him, it's like he has disappeared from everyone's life and I'm the only one that thinks of him .
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Old 11-19-2017, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by mlm9918 View Post
Hi ,
I'm new to this site ! I have a son that is incarcerated and personally welcome inquirys about his well being . It really makes me feel better knowing he isn't forgotten for the great guy he is . I'm finding my own family no longer even ask about him, it's like he has disappeared from everyone's life and I'm the only one that thinks of him .
Thank you, I thought I was the only one with this opinion. I have two adult daughters and one teenage son. I have no experience with one of my children being in prison, but I think I would be happy if someone asked about them. I don't see the big deal in calling his mom and saying hey I still care about your sons well being and was just calling to check in on him in life. I am not contacting him directly out of respect to my family. If she responds cold or rude don't be hurt, thats just her coping mechanism so hang up and go in with life. He fact that you say you feel like you could be manipulated by him makes me think you could be. Are you sure he would want to manipulate you? It seems like your imagining a lot of bad outcomes based on what you assume could happen. Ask yourself honestly can you talk to his mom find out he is fine and then walk away? Do you want to know if he is ok, or do you want him to know your asking about him because mom will probably tell him. its good you are looking at he whole picture and how it will effect people for me that means you genuinely do have his best interest at heart. Good luck whatever you decide I wish you the best
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  #21  
Old 11-19-2017, 04:30 PM
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lizlizzie2 lizlizzie2 is offline
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As the mother of a son in prison, I would answer your inquiry, would tell my son you asked, and would decline to give him your address. If you asked, i would give you his address.

As a grown woman with adult children, I would tell you to let it go, that are are setting yourself up for trouble.

I think we all have someone in our past that we would likely get involved with again despite the hurt they inflicted and the pain we endured - that one relationship that we romanticized. Wisdom and circumstances keeps most of us from making that mistake.
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Old 11-21-2017, 08:36 PM
desertskys desertskys is offline
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Well I guess I will that "One" who thinks it's OK to reach out to the Mom..My son has been in and out of Prison/Jail for many years. He's now doing a Life sentence. While I'm in agreement about the friends who say they will write to the inmate and then never follow thru....that always is super disappointing. But it's just as hurtful when a friend hurts You while You are both Outside.. I think that Your Old friend would be grateful to hear from You. I would just go around the Mom and write him I wanted to . as a Mom I would be glad My son got mail from someone besides ME !!
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