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  #1  
Old 06-26-2018, 06:08 PM
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Default Penpal of 2 months sent me flowers.

As some of you might remember, I've done this before. It didn't end well, but I wasn't badly burnt by any means. But I'm not about to do this again.

Today I came home to a box of flowers on my doorstep. I almost had an aneurysm. They're from a penpal I've been writing to for about two months now. I've never once led him on, flirted, or anything of that nature. So far he's sent me a handmade pop up card, flowers, and he told me he's sending me a book! I've done nothing to incite this. It's very thoughtful and kind of him to do all this for me, but I'm seriously broke and extremely wary of doing this kind of thing again. So I really have nothing to offer but my words. I'm a bit stunned really! I haven't even spoken to him on the phone before. He talks about how he's hesitant to open up to people because he's been hurt so many times before but he is obviously infatuated with me or trying to get something from me. What would you think if you were in my position? It's sweet but I'm very mistrustful of everyone.
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:03 PM
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Just go with it. Be thankful. You owe him nothing in return. Just go with the flow.
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:09 PM
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I would be wary, but probably because I know my ex is out there most likely sending flowers and books (ones I probably sent him) to the next round of women he’s found with his new ad. Yeah maybe it’s sour grapes but in hindsight I see how manipulative he really was. Obviously don’t freak out, but remember that this person lives 24 hours a day in a box far far away and has all the time in the world to woo.
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:41 PM
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Do not let 1 loser or even a few, don't let em stop you from believing that you're going to (1) day be happy again in life, and look @ him as he is, for now a friend/special amigo...Hola chica and i am smiling because it's so sweet what he has done, already, for you.

Aw...
You're to:

>welcome it.
>embrace em.(The flowers chica, roses or tulips or daisy, it does not matter, as he thought about you when he did this and to me, it's VERY sweet. No hidden agenda i am not sure, but saying, to me?I would love that and embrace it, but keep an open mind, be wary sure, why not. I always am! LOL (even with men i've met in the la calle' chica, (i said in the street)ALWAYS be careful/keep an eye out always, for a "secret/hidden agenda but for now smile! That's sweet and not all pen pals, heck men in general do such a sweet thing, when G2K...(getting to know)a woman. Awwww. that is a sweet thing he has done for you already, i love it...#Thumbsup and remember:
Take it slow, chica. No need to rush it.

> A slow-burn friendship without adding the word "relation" yet.You're not ready and or i do not think so, but i know i am so happy with how me and mine are going for now. But i am also able to stop it if i feel/see/notice red flag et.al., as i am so far smiling and i smile even with friends in the real world, i am around so to me?Just enjoy and take it slow chica that's very sweet of him. Feasibly he is just really feelin' u to think of askin' some 1 to do this beautiful favor on the outside for him. How preciosa... Adios. Hugs and Blessings to you both.Good luck.

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Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
As some of you might remember, I've done this before. It didn't end well, but I wasn't badly burnt by any means. But I'm not about to do this again.

Today I came home to a box of flowers on my doorstep. I almost had an aneurysm. They're from a penpal I've been writing to for about two months now. I've never once led him on, flirted, or anything of that nature. So far he's sent me a handmade pop up card, flowers, and he told me he's sending me a book! I've done nothing to incite this. It's very thoughtful and kind of him to do all this for me, but I'm seriously broke and extremely wary of doing this kind of thing again. So I really have nothing to offer but my words. I'm a bit stunned really! I haven't even spoken to him on the phone before. He talks about how he's hesitant to open up to people because he's been hurt so many times before but he is obviously infatuated with me or trying to get something from me. What would you think if you were in my position? It's sweet but I'm very mistrustful of everyone.
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 06-26-2018 at 07:45 PM..
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Old 06-26-2018, 09:21 PM
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I would be wary too. Most inmates don’t have the funds to be sending gifts out to pen pals, especially one they have only written to for two months. I predict in the next few months he will express that’s he fallen in love with you. As Dakini said they have all the time in the world and many other inmates to get ideas of how to reel you in.

Not every pen pal relationship has to turn into a relationship. If you don’t want it to go there or see it going there I’d make sure he understands that.
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Old 06-27-2018, 12:48 AM
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I would thank him politely and say he was very kind sending gifts but you would rather he spent his money on himself. Then watch how he reacts if he starts with the I love youíd then you know he is a player.
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Old 06-27-2018, 01:07 AM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
I would thank him politely and say he was very kind sending gifts but you would rather he spent his money on himself. Then watch how he reacts if he starts with the I love you’d then you know he is a player.
Love this answer... to the point.
And... maybe because I'm old(er) I wouldn't feel really loved and appreciated... it would make me feel weird.
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Old 06-27-2018, 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
So I really have nothing to offer but my words.
Have you told him this ^^?

To me it is very simple: when you start a pen pal friendship with someone and you know you are not in it for romance, you communicate that to them in your first letter/s and they will know it from the start...and hopefully respect it

P.S. I moved your thread into our pen pal forum
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Old 06-27-2018, 06:44 AM
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Actually it would creep me out more then anything if someone started sending me gifts and it wasn't a long term relationship.
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Old 06-27-2018, 12:42 PM
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Default Penpal of 2 months sent me flowers.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Honestly I keep ricocheting between this either being 1. A nice but perhaps socially inept gesture 2. Something manipulative 3. Downright creepy.

So Iíll have to make it tactfully clear Iím not interested in this going the romantic route. I did tell him I was writing for friendship in the beginning. I feel like even for inmates who try to manipulate people into stuff this is... overboard. But I also donít want to think the worst of anyone. I guess a test will be how he takes me preferring to not be showered with gifts two months into writing lol. The only thing that kind of truthfully makes me not mind this (ever so slightly) is the fact he is pretty attractive, intelligent, well spoken. But Iím a bit creeped out! Iím not used to anyone buying me anything though. Iím of the take care of myself and expect/take nothing from no one type. I donít like getting in debt emotionally or otherwise. I donít accept help or gifts very well from others.

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Old 06-27-2018, 02:24 PM
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Can’t you simply just say thank you for the flowers they were beautiful and leave it at that? I wouldn’t worry about money, inmates do have money out here they can access, not all go in broke. If you are consistent in telling him you don’t want romance and you like the flowers then enjoy them. If he starts getting romantic in future letters and your not interested then keep your boundaries. Maybe he thinks your friends and he hasnt had a friend in awhile. I send flowers to my daughters and women friends when they could use some cheering up. My boyfriend sent me flowers while he was in prison before we had met. He sent them to work right before the start of what he knew was going to be a huge day because it is every year at my job. We made no commitment to each other while he was in prison we were friends with an interest in each other. You should know if the dude is creepy or not. I would suggest talking to him on the phone soon so you can get a vibe of what he is like. If he is creepy stop the contact. As for the jerk you were with before don’t continue to be his victim by avoiding a good man if you meet one. Good luck!
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Old 06-27-2018, 07:35 PM
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Just please look up the term “love-bombing” and keep it in mind as you move forward. I wish you the very best!
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Old 06-27-2018, 08:32 PM
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Just please look up the term ďlove-bombingĒ and keep it in mind as you move forward. I wish you the very best!
Oh yeah, I'm familiar. The cynic in me says that's exactly what's going on but the optimist in me is just going to withhold judgment for now.
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Old 06-27-2018, 08:36 PM
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Default Penpal of 2 months sent me flowers.

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Canít you simply just say thank you for the flowers they were beautiful and leave it at that? I wouldnít worry about money, inmates do have money out here they can access, not all go in broke. If you are consistent in telling him you donít want romance and you like the flowers then enjoy them. If he starts getting romantic in future letters and your not interested then keep your boundaries. Maybe he thinks your friends and he hasnt had a friend in awhile. I send flowers to my daughters and women friends when they could use some cheering up. My boyfriend sent me flowers while he was in prison before we had met. He sent them to work right before the start of what he knew was going to be a huge day because it is every year at my job. We made no commitment to each other while he was in prison we were friends with an interest in each other. You should know if the dude is creepy or not. I would suggest talking to him on the phone soon so you can get a vibe of what he is like. If he is creepy stop the contact. As for the jerk you were with before donít continue to be his victim by avoiding a good man if you meet one. Good luck!


I did, I thanked him multiple times throughout my letter but said he should be spending on himself instead of me. I gotta wonder where the money's coming from as I know his background. He did tell me he's terrified of people abandoning him, and he told me a lot of stuff about his case he expected to drive me away, so maybe there's a bit of fear of that. I still find it overboard. There's a difference between sending flowers to your own children and your boyfriend sending you flowers and being sent flowers by someone you've only been communicating with for two months via snail mail.



But I am not my ex's victim, or anyone's victim, in any capacity. He never conned me. Iím just trying to be realistic about guys in prison and what they do but withhold judgment that he might be a manipulator (but also aware he could be!)

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Old 06-27-2018, 08:42 PM
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Well anyway, I just finished my letter and thanked him multiple times for the flowers and all the other stuff, but made it clear he doesn't have to do anything like that for me to keep talking to him and I'd prefer he saved his money. I'm a cynic but I don't want to step on anyone's feelings in case it is an innocent gesture. So I'll see how he takes that... no one gets anything from me just because they choose to give to me. I don't owe anyone anything but if this is a manipulation tactic, I know that's the thought behind it: you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of thing. I'm also completely not used to receiving gifts. None of my ex's and I were really gift people... nor is my family or my friends. If it is a genuine gesture, I'm flattered but I just can't really accept gifts from anyone. If he freaks out I'll know it was just to butter me up!
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Old 06-27-2018, 08:58 PM
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Well anyway, I just finished my letter and thanked him multiple times for the flowers and all the other stuff, but made it clear he doesn't have to do anything like that for me to keep talking to him and I'd prefer he saved his money. I'm a cynic but I don't want to step on anyone's feelings in case it is an innocent gesture. So I'll see how he takes that... no one gets anything from me just because they choose to give to me. I don't owe anyone anything but if this is a manipulation tactic, I know that's the thought behind it: you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of thing. I'm also completely not used to receiving gifts. None of my ex's and I were really gift people... nor is my family or my friends. If it is a genuine gesture, I'm flattered but I just can't really accept gifts from anyone. If he freaks out I'll know it was just to butter me up!
If he knows what he’s doing he will bide his time and not “freak out”, so I’m afraid that isn’t a very good test. You’ll just have to keep in mind what you’ve said here— I do not think telling someone “you really don’t have to” and “please don’t” are the same thing. But it’s your ride.

My ex never got a dime from me. It was all emotional energy he was after. Narcissistic people don’t necessarily want your money. They want your trust so they can feed off you like an emotional vampire.
Believe me, a good looking, well-spoken man serving time is not socially awkward enough to not know that these symbols of affection are premature. It’s bait.
And yep I know exactly how jaded I sound.
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Last edited by Dakini; 06-27-2018 at 09:06 PM..
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Old 06-27-2018, 09:02 PM
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If he knows what heís doing he will bide his time and not ďfreak outĒ, so Iím afraid that isnít a very good test. Youíll just have to keep in mind what youíve said hereó I do not think telling someone ďyou really donít have toĒ and ďplease donítĒ are the same thing. But itís your ride.
Yeah, true, he'll hold his tongue if he know what he's doing. Only time will tell though. I'm not gonna close the curtains on writing just because of what ifs. If my very obvious inferring he shouldn't send anymore isn't enough I'll be firmer next time.
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Old 06-28-2018, 12:41 AM
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Wishing you the best of luck, be safe - I think it will be most telling how he reacts to your reminder about the fact that you are only his friend and not looking for romance
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Old 06-29-2018, 09:31 PM
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I might be the odd one out lol
I'd be really happy! I love getting flowers.
My pen pal also sent flowers to my house - though he was trying to be in a relationship with me. It worked lol

I just read through the comments here and the replies are smarter than mine lol
I just went with it and enjoyed the attention.
When I went to visit him for the first time, he snuck some tiny little flowers from the rec yard to give to me too- it was really sweet.
He's out now and sent me a trucker hat up from Texas to Canada-- I think he just likes giving gifts- some people do.

Just keep your eyes open!
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Old 07-01-2018, 09:24 PM
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Iím still waiting on his response to my letter but my god those flowers lead to mayhem in my house. The scent of them attracted gnats and fruit flies and I kid you not there were about a hundred flies in my bedroom today. An absolute nightmare. The flowers just looked like big squirming bunches of insects today because well, they were! Iím not gonna tell him though LOL but it was truly horrifying. I had to throw them out!
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Old 07-14-2018, 09:47 PM
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Iím still waiting on his response to my letter but my god those flowers lead to mayhem in my house. The scent of them attracted gnats and fruit flies and I kid you not there were about a hundred flies in my bedroom today. An absolute nightmare. The flowers just looked like big squirming bunches of insects today because well, they were! Iím not gonna tell him though LOL but it was truly horrifying. I had to throw them out!
Hahahahaha, that is AWEFUL! No, don't tell him that part

Have you received his response?
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:56 PM
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Alright so I've been too lazy/busy to update this but basically I need to extract myself from this situation asap. I feel like a dumb ass now but I gave him my phone number and said I'd try putting a few dollars on it soon. Curiosity got the better of me. He apparently gave his mother my address because she sent me $25 from HIM for the phone. What the hell. I'm not comfortable with that at all. I am not accepting that nor am I getting into debt with an inmate. So I just mailed the money back and said I wasn't comfortable with it. Then he tried to call. I didn't answer because no money on the account and I was getting increasingly weirded out. Then his MOTHER called my phone! Like are you kidding me? Now I'm sufficiently creeped out.

Basically how can I efficiently extract myself from this situation?
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Old 07-17-2018, 11:03 PM
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This is crazy!!!
Don't answer, block the number and maybe send him and his Mom one last letter telling them you're out.
If all fails, change your number.
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Old 07-18-2018, 01:27 AM
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Basically how can I efficiently extract myself from this situation?
Like Mizzy suggests, I would just send a letter to him....I would say sorry, it seems you and he are expecting different things from this friendship and you do not feel comfortable with the steps he's taken so far. Wish him all the best and block/ignore any calls or letters.

Sorry it got so weird
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Old 07-18-2018, 02:36 AM
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Hi this is all a bit weird. His expectations are obviously way different to yours. I can understand why you feel creeped out.
I would write and wish him well and say you are not looking for a relationship you feel you should go your separate ways. Then ignore any letter replies and close the phone account.
I know there are lots of inmates who are happy with friendship only and I hope you find one of them. Take care,
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