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  #1  
Old 07-17-2017, 12:05 AM
Mrs.Wrong Mrs.Wrong is offline
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Exclamation So aggravated with him already, no call in 4 days. Should I give up on him?

He was doing so good calling and bam 4 days no call. I'm just so tired of trying n trying n getting nothing in return.. should I give up? I feel so unappreciated. He had a homebody write him telling him how if he needed anything he would be there the most he could n then this dude is literally telling me how it was "gangsta" of his homeboy wanting to be there for him and seeing the friend make a effort but yet not once has even mentioned anything about me.. not even a thank u for putting money the times I do or keeping up with the phone or writing n writing NOTHING!!! I'm so pissed off! What should I do?! I'm torn into pieces
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:10 AM
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He was doing so good calling and bam 4 days no call. I'm just so tired of trying n trying n getting nothing in return.. should I give up? I feel so unappreciated. He had a homebody write him telling him how if he needed anything he would be there the most he could n then this dude is literally telling me how it was "gangsta" of his homeboy wanting to be there for him and seeing the friend make a effort but yet not once has even mentioned anything about me.. not even a thank u for putting money the times I do or keeping up with the phone or writing n writing NOTHING!!! I'm so pissed off! What should I do?! I'm torn into pieces
If you are trying your hardest and he is putting any effort into it then I'd let it go. You can only do so much for somebody. But I'd have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and if nothing changes or if you still feel unappreciated then I'd let it go. Holding on Will only hurt you more.
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:23 AM
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If you are trying your hardest and he is putting any effort into it then I'd let it go. You can only do so much for somebody. But I'd have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and if nothing changes or if you still feel unappreciated then I'd let it go. Holding on Will only hurt you more.
Thank u for responding to me. And that's what I'm seeing, I'm trying so damn hard and it's like nothing changes his mind.. I have been through helln back for this guy for years and I mean through some BS for him andwith him and he has still yet to realize just how good of a person I am.. I don't know what to do. N I love this man with all my heart n I'm hurtingso bad n he don't even realize it
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:35 AM
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If you are not honored or respected for your efforts while he is in, then how will you be treated when he is out?

I am very new to all of this and I have been married for 26 years so forgive me if I am naive.... I just had my first visit with my husband this weekend after being gone almost a month. He is 7 hours away from home and I have responsibilities so I can't just pick up and go see him. I saw him Fri, Sat, and today---after every visit he emailed me thanking me for coming, telling me how much he loves me, how much he needs me, and how he will spend the rest of his life making up for all the hurt and heartache this has caused.

I only say this to let you know that we all make mistakes and suffer consequences.....but you should never settle for being treated less than you deserve. Talk to him and lay it all out. Let him know your expectations and needs.....it may take time to get there but if you see no progress or effort then I think you have your answer.
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:40 AM
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If you are not honored or respected for your efforts while he is in, then how will you be treated when he is out?

I am very new to all of this and I have been married for 26 years so forgive me if I am naive.... I just had my first visit with my husband this weekend after being gone almost a month. He is 7 hours away from home and I have responsibilities so I can't just pick up and go see him. I saw him Fri, Sat, and today---after every visit he emailed me thanking me for coming, telling me how much he loves me, how much he needs me, and how he will spend the rest of his life making up for all the hurt and heartache this has caused.

I only say this to let you know that we all make mistakes and suffer consequences.....but you should never settle for being treated less than you deserve. Talk to him and lay it all out. Let him know your expectations and needs.....it may take time to get there but if you see no progress or effort then I think you have your answer.
Thank u mama. I'm realizing that right now. I have so much going on in my head. I think I'm just more hurt because he wasn't like this out here and once he went in and now has gotten sentenced it's like I don't matter anymore.. I think I Know what I need to do, it's just so hard to actually do it. It's like I wasted 12 years of my life for nothing. To end our relationship like this!!! It's hurts to the bone smh
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:49 AM
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Stop trying so hard, stop trying whatsoever. Use the money on yourself, make the best of your time alone and send him the flipping finger from afar
I bet he'll be calling real fast when he's not getting your $$$... but let him rot there, you didn't put him there.
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Old 07-17-2017, 03:19 AM
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Mine doesn't call only when he cannot ie lock down, no money on phone, etc. I tells me he loves all the time, but more importantly he tells me how much he appreciates me in both letters and calls. He doesn't say it everyday, but enough that it feels sincere. He, like the lovely lady aboves LO, constantly tells me how he can't wait to be home to makeup for the pain and time missed due to his actions. If he isn't making an effort, I wouldnt either. Just like if I was dating someone on the streets.
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:26 AM
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Oh hon, I am so sorry he's being a freaking asshat. You deserve better than that. And here's an FYI... His homie may say he'll be there, no matter what... He won't be. Homies are real good about saying that crap, but not following through.

That being said, cut the asshat off. Let his homie take care of him. You take care of you. Seriously... I wouldn't end it all just yet. Have a come to Jesus meeting with him. Tell him how he is making you feel. I would do it in a letter, simply because he can't interrupt you. Plus, you have time to say everything you need to say. Be brutally honest with him.

Take a HUGE step backwards. No money... No visits... Maybe accept one call, then don't accept the next three or four. Or don't accept any calls and only write him. Put the effort into yourself. Take half the money you would send him a month and put it in a jar for a vacation. Let him rely on his homies for a while. He will either remove his head from his anal cavity, or you will need to finally take that step to end it.

I understand it hurts. If my husband has been like that, I wouldn't have a husband anymore. It just isn't acceptable behavior. You have endured it long enough. You deserve to be treated so much better than that. MrB always told me how much he appreciated everything I did. He always thanked me for putting money on his books. Would tell me how grateful he was for me. He still does that now that he's home. He may be a pain in the rear with ADHD (he has some extra hyper), but he makes sure I know he appreciates you. He would call yours a scumbag. I call him a disrespectful, ungrateful, self absorbed asshat who has his head stuck deep inside his arse. He needs a reality check... One of those if you don't get it together and realize what you have, you're not going to have it anymore lessons.
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:20 AM
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Any number of reasons, not the least of which is disciplinary sanction or lockdown. Depending on the unit, he could also be in a building affected by illness, which results in a de facto lockdown until everyone is healthy again.
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Old 07-17-2017, 07:41 AM
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I know that because we are emotionally attached to the situation, every single day without a letter or a phone call, each day with no communication seems like a personal slight. It seems like your world is falling apart. The reality is that even if he was calling you multiple times a day, and that was the routine that the two of you had developed..: he's in prison. Any number of things can happen on a whim, and bam! No communication for you, and completely out of his control. 4 days is a drop in the bucket. I know it doesn't seem that way to you, and I know it seems like I'm being insensitive, but I'm really not.

That being said, if he is just making a decision to be inattentive and unappreciative while you go about investing everything, I would put a halt to everything. This situation is difficult on both of you in different ways, and if he isn't going out of his way to ease the emotional burden a prison sentence often places on loved ones, he doesn't deserve you. Communication being key, you shouldn't make any rash decisions until you talk to him.
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:09 PM
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He called me today. They shut the phones off Thursday and just turned them on today and I feel so freaking bad because I sent him two letters that weren't so good. I was so mad and flipped and now he's mad. I messed up big time and feel like shit ��
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:38 PM
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That'll happen, but there is a bigger issue here if you feel neglected or disrespected. When I don't hear from my guy, I think something happened or they are on lock down. I don't have the doubts you have. This is something that needs to be addressed. You have internal work to do. Sift through your feelings, wants, needs and desires.

I also repeat two things to myself:
His life is not his own.
Enjoy the quiet- because sometimes esp in the beginning there was a lot of drama. I needed time to process and get real with myself.

If he suspects lock downs due to alarms and I'm working, he tries to get on the phone and leave me a message. If they may move him, he tries to do the same. He knows I worry. Today he was moved and left me a message in the morning, but I have no service at work. We didn't know when he would have phone access, so for me I had an idea of what was going on.

We have no control over anything. I recently sent my big gears letter and we had a great conversation afterwards. I couldn't get that out in a 15 min call. I needed the reassurance for myself.

Our latest mantra, we are on a roller coaster ride and it is time to buckle up. Told him when we get off this ride we are staying on the lazy river forever.
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:46 PM
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He called me today. They shut the phones off Thursday and just turned them on today and I feel so freaking bad because I sent him two letters that weren't so good. I was so mad and flipped and now he's mad. I messed up big time and feel like shit 😢
It happens. And you didn't mess up. He has created an environment where you have rather large doubts. He did that... Not you. It happens.

You need to decide whether you trust him at all, right now... If you don't, you need to decide if he will ever be able to rebuild that trust. If that is a possibility, what can he do to rebuild it. Then, write him a letter explaining everything.

I noticed when my husband was in this last time that he got butthurt over anything. They do get to the point that they can't take anymore and you're the only person they can express their frustration to. It may not be in an appropriate way, but it happens.
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Old 07-17-2017, 05:59 PM
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That'll happen, but there is a bigger issue here if you feel neglected or disrespected. When I don't hear from my guy, I think something happened or they are on lock down. I don't have the doubts you have. This is something that needs to be addressed. You have internal work to do. Sift through your feelings, wants, needs and desires.

I also repeat two things to myself:
His life is not his own.
Enjoy the quiet- because sometimes esp in the beginning there was a lot of drama. I needed time to process and get real with myself.

If he suspects lock downs due to alarms and I'm working, he tries to get on the phone and leave me a message. If they may move him, he tries to do the same. He knows I worry. Today he was moved and left me a message in the morning, but I have no service at work. We didn't know when he would have phone access, so for me I had an idea of what was going on.

We have no control over anything. I recently sent my big gears letter and we had a great conversation afterwards. I couldn't get that out in a 15 min call. I needed the reassurance for myself.

Our latest mantra, we are on a roller coaster ride and it is time to buckle up. Told him when we get off this ride we are staying on the lazy river forever.
Awww mama, I love the way u think. Thank u for replying and yes there is issues between us. He was unfaithful to me a few times and that has built major insecurities for me and I can't controlthem n I'm trying so hard so right off the bat when he don't call me I automatically think he don't love me anymore or he wants nothing to do with me. He fears I will give him the cold shoulder one day and that is how I feel about him. I need to work on myself
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:05 PM
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It happens. And you didn't mess up. He has created an environment where you have rather large doubts. He did that... Not you. It happens.

You need to decide whether you trust him at all, right now... If you don't, you need to decide if he will ever be able to rebuild that trust. If that is a possibility, what can he do to rebuild it. Then, write him a letter explaining everything.

I noticed when my husband was in this last time that he got butthurt over anything. They do get to the point that they can't take anymore and you're the only person they can express their frustration to. It may not be in an appropriate way, but it happens.
Yes that's what I wanna tell him but don't know how to word it. I triedti tell him that I was sorry because this is the first time I'm going through this and explained that now I know there will be a reason if he doesn't call in the future.. this is hard but I know I canget through this with him
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:07 PM
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Stop trying so hard, stop trying whatsoever. Use the money on yourself, make the best of your time alone and send him the flipping finger from afar
I bet he'll be calling real fast when he's not getting your $$$... but let him rot there, you didn't put him there.
Thank u for replying to me. I truly appreciate everyone's advice. I really need it. I feel so alone in this situation.. glad everyone understands me. Can't thank y'all enough
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:16 PM
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Oh hon, I am so sorry he's being a freaking asshat. You deserve better than that. And here's an FYI... His homie may say he'll be there, no matter what... He won't be. Homies are real good about saying that crap, but not following through.

That being said, cut the asshat off. Let his homie take care of him. You take care of you. Seriously... I wouldn't end it all just yet. Have a come to Jesus meeting with him. Tell him how he is making you feel. I would do it in a letter, simply because he can't interrupt you. Plus, you have time to say everything you need to say. Be brutally honest with him.

Take a HUGE step backwards. No money... No visits... Maybe accept one call, then don't accept the next three or four. Or don't accept any calls and only write him. Put the effort into yourself. Take half the money you would send him a month and put it in a jar for a vacation. Let him rely on his homies for a while. He will either remove his head from his anal cavity, or you will need to finally take that step to end it.

I understand it hurts. If my husband has been like that, I wouldn't have a husband anymore. It just isn't acceptable behavior. You have endured it long enough. You deserve to be treated so much better than that. MrB always told me how much he appreciated everything I did. He always thanked me for putting money on his books. Would tell me how grateful he was for me. He still does that now that he's home. He may be a pain in the rear with ADHD (he has some extra hyper), but he makes sure I know he appreciates you. He would call yours a scumbag. I call him a disrespectful, ungrateful, self absorbed asshat who has his head stuck deep inside his arse. He needs a reality check... One of those if you don't get it together and realize what you have, you're not going to have it anymore lessons.
I loooooove you lol you totally made my day.
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Old 07-17-2017, 07:27 PM
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Emotionally you are both at a stand still. A lot of abandonment issues here in both ends. Individually you both need to work on making yourself whole to become a strong couple together. You can only control you.

If you are a reader, there are a lot of great books out there to help. This may also help with the down time. The quiet time.

You are also adjusting the a new normal. There are so many things to come and just have to go along for the ride.
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Old 07-17-2017, 07:39 PM
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I loooooove you lol you totally made my day.
I have my moments.
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Old 07-17-2017, 08:19 PM
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Emotionally you are both at a stand still. A lot of abandonment issues here in both ends. Individually you both need to work on making yourself whole to become a strong couple together. You can only control you.

If you are a reader, there are a lot of great books out there to help. This may also help with the down time. The quiet time.

You are also adjusting the a new normal. There are so many things to come and just have to go along for the ride.
Thank u for the advice ma'am. What kindof books should I read. I really wanna make us work out. I honestly don't wanna give up I have my moments and hate when I get like this.
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Old 07-18-2017, 10:50 AM
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You know how many reasons there could possibly be for him to not be able to call for four days?

Lockdowns. Disciplinary. Phones not working...

Try going a month with no idea what's going on because your LO was in the hole....
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Old 07-18-2017, 02:07 PM
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You know how many reasons there could possibly be for him to not be able to call for four days?

Lockdowns. Disciplinary. Phones not working...

Try going a month with no idea what's going on because your LO was in the hole....
I know and I realized that. Well actually figured it out an dnow understand that anything can happen in there..
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Old 07-18-2017, 08:20 PM
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In the beginning I would freak out if I went without a phone call too. I understand. They're in jail... You can't just text and say "hey, what's up with the silence?"

I had to work on not being so reactive. It was only driving me and J crazy. I think once you adjust to all this a little more, you'll feel better.

As far as you "messing up" just apologize, say you reacted strongly because of all the stress and you'll try to do better next time, but also be honest with him that you don't feel appreciated. Communication is key, especially in there, and I had to learn it the hard way myself.
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Old 07-18-2017, 10:30 PM
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Anything can happen in prison/jail.. Phones have long lines, lockdown etc.. 4 days is not that long. I was freaking out last week over 2 weeks without hearing from my man and he called.. His back is really messed up and he was in a world of pain and waiting in line for the phone was making things worse. Also, where he is the phones are controlled by gangs. Try and be patient. But, however if you have truly had it with him then slowly pull away and see his reaction.. I agree with the other ladies.. His homies will disappear soon!!
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Old 07-18-2017, 10:34 PM
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In the beginning I would freak out if I went without a phone call too. I understand. They're in jail... You can't just text and say "hey, what's up with the silence?"

I had to work on not being so reactive. It was only driving me and J crazy. I think once you adjust to all this a little more, you'll feel better.

As far as you "messing up" just apologize, say you reacted strongly because of all the stress and you'll try to do better next time, but also be honest with him that you don't feel appreciated. Communication is key, especially in there, and I had to learn it the hard way myself.
Yes I did. He got the letters today and explained my part and how I feel and he sounded so depressed. Telling me that God has him thinking alot and that he's sorry for being selfish. He never realized how much he had hurt me.. we had a good talk. I Know those letters hurt him but honestly that's how I was feeling. My heart has been hurt many times by him and I brushed my feelings to the side for his happiness.. I also told him that I shouldn't have reacted like that and that I was gonna try hard to work on myself. That I understand now that things can happen that are not his or my control. I'm trying hard to adjust to this new life and that we can work through this together.
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I missed the call, SOOOO Aggravated! Emily3247 Ohio Prison Visitation, Phones, Packages & Mail 6 08-15-2007 10:47 AM
Difference Between Aggravated Assault & Aggravated Battery? meadow22 Prison & Criminal Legal Help! 13 08-31-2004 10:41 AM


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