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Old 07-17-2017, 05:42 AM
mmr79 mmr79 is offline
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Default Reconnected w/friend doing Life, don't know whether to keep communicating

Lengthy post....I haven't had anyone to talk to, lol......So, I was recently contacted by an old friend's Mom who told me he wanted to talk to me. He is serving a Life sentence in Texas on the Conally Unit (not sure if I spelled that right). I haven't seen him, or spoken to him, until this week, since about 4 years before he was locked up. I was so in love with this man for so long, but our lives took drastically different paths when I was about 23 years old, and I had to let him go, but I've never stopped thinking of him or wishing he would come find me. So, he wrote me a letter and Wow. just wow. I'm an educated, career oriented woman, and he knows this, so the first letter was mainly letters from attorneys and doctors (i'm in the medical field too) and was not at all what I was expecting. To say the least, what I thought would be a simple hello and probably a letter or two quickly changed into something different. I sent him a picture with the first letter I wrote him, and just kinda wrote like I was writing a friend who had no idea what my life was like for the past 20 years. So, I set up my phone number and he called Friday. I'm very conflicted by what he said. This is where I need help.... He said that 13 years ago when he went in, he institutionalized himself pretty quickly and accepted his life sentence and got in the mindset he needed to. Then he said, since getting my letter and picture that he's felt weird, "broken" was the word he used. He said he didn't think he was even capable of those feelings anymore, and that he almost didn't call and hadn't been able to eat since he read my letter. BUT, then he said he thought about it a lot and decided to call anyway and he was glad he did. We had a really good catching up type of conversation, Then he told me thank you....for making him feel normal. I feel like I'm in a movie. but I don't have a script...... I don't know whether I should keep communicating with him or not. I want him to be ok. period. If that means not talking to him anymore, then so be it. But, I want to talk to him. To me, he's still just the goofy guy that I would have done anything for and he for me, except settle down with me, ya know? And I'm having a hard time processing my own feelings, and really don't want to contribute in any way to him being broken, that's for sure. Any advice on any of it would greatly appreciated..... I feel better just getting that out .......
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:45 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
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I think if you want to continue writing him.....and he wants you to....why not?
I can understand some of what he's saying that he does not want to think about the free world that he wont get to experience again (assuming he really IS in there for life)
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Old 07-17-2017, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I think if you want to continue writing him.....and he wants you to....why not?
I can understand some of what he's saying that he does not want to think about the free world that he wont get to experience again (assuming he really IS in there for life)
thank you. I guess I'll play it by ear and see what his next letter says. These are not easy feelings to navigate through, that's for sure!!
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Old 07-17-2017, 12:49 PM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. Taking enough time to better understand your (and his) feelings before you make a final decision makes sense to me. It sounds like he is happy to expand his universe from just being institutionalized, so the two of you can decide the best way to proceed, together.
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Old 07-18-2017, 01:16 PM
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My husband has done 25 years of what is essentially a life sentence as he would be well into his 70's before he can even be seen by the parole board.

He is institutionalized and when we first met his mindset was pretty much along the lines of "I don't plan to grow old and die in prison. I will end my life somewhere in my 50's on my own terms". I was appalled by that statement at first, but now I understand where it was coming from. Having done so much time he allowed himself to accept things as they were and decide for himself how his future would play out. Of course this was his mindset before he allowed himself the luxury of falling in love and having hope for a life other than the one he had already planned out for himself. Now he intends to keep kickin' well into his senior years!

Everything in prison for someone with a long bid is by routine and any shift in the routine can wreak havoc on their emotional state. Quite often they will become numb to emotions because it is just easier to go through the day to day process without them. When my husband asked me to marry him, part of what he said was that our relationship allowed him to feel like a human being again. Think about that statement for a minute. If you no longer feel like a human being, what are you? A robot, a monster, a beast, a zombie, just breathing but not really living? What might his world have been before a friend from the past came along and reminded him of what it was like to be human? You gave him a wake-up call and not necessarily a bad one. You simply allowed your friend to feel again.

It can be strange for people on both sides of the fence when they come together in friendship and all of these odd emotions come into play. I would say, just focus on being a friend. I think you will find in time that your friendship didn't "break" him, but rather, it will be the glue that puts him back together.

Good luck on your journey!
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Old 07-18-2017, 02:41 PM
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I think it'll probably be beneficial to him to keep in contact. As he said himself, he's been institutionalized and receiving mail from an old friend was probably just a shock to him. If I were you I would keep writing.
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Old 07-20-2017, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by jsanner View Post
Yes, keep writing him. Do not, under any circumstances, fall "in love" with this man.
Why? That's for THEM to decide.

I recently married my lifer, and despite the fact that he may never get out (he does have parole hearings but they're essentially shams) I am very glad I did and would never choose anything different.

Oh, and I've known mine for 23 years.

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