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  #1  
Old 07-09-2017, 07:40 PM
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Default What does your family/friends think of your man being in jail?

So my man was in jail for about 9 months before he and I got back together (we dated in high school, then broke up, he went to jail a couple years later and we started seeing each other after he got out, we're both 21- to add some back story) but he went back for a VOP. He did four months for that where I stuck by his side despite my family absolutely HATING him. He got out in March and unfortunately got another VOP a couple weeks with the same amount of time to serve - which has been HARD since I talked to him all day, everyday. He lives in PA and I live in NJ so I can't always drive up there to visit him. But im just curious as if any of you have dealt with disapproving family members or friends? They all make snide comments and none of them are really there for me like I need them to be. I often feel alone and go into this "shell" so to speak. It really depresses me and I can feel myself closing myself off from them. His family is supportive of us and I've become close with them which i thank God for otherwise I'd probably go insane. Most of my friends dont like me being with him but they still try to "be there" for me even tho I know they hate it and I feel like I bother them. Help!
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Old 07-09-2017, 07:55 PM
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My family wasn't very supportive when my husband went back. We are MWI, so they've never been very supportive. Him going back solidified their view that he was no good and wasn't going to change. I lost friends because I stood by him. I have almost no relationship with my brother because of my choice. My mom is about the only one who has been supportive. It's hard when the people you thought you could count on and trust aren't there. I knew it was a possibility when I got involved, and knew it would happen when I chose to stay.
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Old 07-09-2017, 07:59 PM
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My family wasn't very supportive when my husband went back. We are MWI, so they've never been very supportive. Him going back solidified their view that he was no good and wasn't going to change. I lost friends because I stood by him. I have almost no relationship with my brother because of my choice. My mom is about the only one who has been supportive. It's hard when the people you thought you could count on and trust aren't there. I knew it was a possibility when I got involved, and knew it would happen when I chose to stay.
My parents have already told me they dont support it at all and they don't know he went back yet so I've been prepping myself for when that letter comes in the mail from the jail. They say the same things " he's no good for you, etc". Him having a record doesn't bother me in the slightest and like you said, I knew what I was getting myself into and he never hid anything from me. I was disappointed in him but I still hope he learns from his mistakes when he gets out. Certain friends I've distanced myself from because they just tear me down about it all the time
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Old 07-09-2017, 08:36 PM
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Let me put it this way. When my mother found out my boyfriend was in jail, she had a very expensive security system installed in the house and won't give me the code.
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Old 07-09-2017, 08:37 PM
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Let me put it this way. When my mother found out my boyfriend was in jail, she had a very expensive security system installed in the house and won't give me the code.
Omg! Im surprised my dad hasn't done that yet
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Old 07-09-2017, 08:47 PM
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Let me put it this way. When my mother found out my boyfriend was in jail, she had a very expensive security system installed in the house and won't give me the code.
We are moving back to my hometown in January, and I can see my brother doing that... And buying our mom one. He HATES my husband.
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Old 07-09-2017, 09:05 PM
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We are moving back to my hometown in January, and I can see my brother doing that... And buying our mom one. He HATES my husband.
The only reason my brother hasn't put a security system in because he did one better - he won't even tell me where he lives and "demands" that I not even let my LO know he exists (like that's an order I followed ) I couldn't figured out how to tell my family he's coming home...so I just didn't. I guess they'll find out eventually! Kinda sucks...it would be nice to share my excitement and anxieties with them, you know?

Sigh.
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Old 07-09-2017, 11:04 PM
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The only reason my brother hasn't put a security system in because he did one better - he won't even tell me where he lives and "demands" that I not even let my LO know he exists (like that's an order I followed ) I couldn't figured out how to tell my family he's coming home...so I just didn't. I guess they'll find out eventually! Kinda sucks...it would be nice to share my excitement and anxieties with them, you know?

Sigh.
Wow I'm sorry that y'all can't find comfort in your family mine don't agree with my husband's actions (and neither do I) but I'd probably go nuts if they didn't have my back! You ladies are amazing and super strong!
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Old 07-10-2017, 12:40 PM
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So happy to not be the only one! I have one friend I can talk to now, but that is it. I keep everything to myself because it is easier

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Old 07-11-2017, 06:40 PM
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Let me put it this way. When my mother found out my boyfriend was in jail, she had a very expensive security system installed in the house and won't give me the code.
She sounds like my father!
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Old 07-09-2017, 11:01 PM
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Luckily my husband and my family get along. (Well excluding a couple of my siblings) but my dad loves my husband but pretends he doesn't. Every time I'm around my mom or dad when my husband calls, it's a struggle for me to keep the phone to myself lol. My pops is a big business man and my husband had the opportunity to work for him for a bit and my dad always bragged about my husband cuz he always went above and beyond. He was floored when my husband asked him and my mom for my hand in marriage (I have 11 older siblings and not one bothered to consult my parents before their marriages) My family knows a lot of challenges we faced but they believe in him and in us. I've had people talk smack but mostly it comes from his family or from non related folks.
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Old 07-10-2017, 12:45 PM
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My dad and step mom don't truly support my marriage, but they do support me and want me to be happy. Needless to say, I think hubby and Daddy are going to be spending a lot of quality time together.
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Old 07-10-2017, 12:46 PM
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My dad and step mom don't truly support my marriage, but they do support me and want me to be happy. Needless to say, I think hubby and Daddy are going to be spending a lot of quality time together.
I wish my parents supported what at least made me happy. They were "willing" to give him a chance but I knew they didn't really want to
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Old 07-10-2017, 12:53 PM
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I wish my parents supported what at least made me happy. They were "willing" to give him a chance but I knew they didn't really want to
Now, if he goes back again, there will be no support for the marriage. They do not want to see me hurt again. I was devastated when he went back.
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Old 07-10-2017, 12:55 PM
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Now, if he goes back again, there will be no support for the marriage. They do not want to see me hurt again. I was devastated when he went back.
I dont blame them, my parents are going to freak out when they find out he's back in. I hate that he's back in too but I love him
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Old 07-10-2017, 01:37 PM
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I dont blame them, my parents are going to freak out when they find out he's back in. I hate that he's back in too but I love him
If he were to go back, it would be for a very long time, because of his past record. It would also indicate that he's unable to function outside of a prison setting.
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Old 07-11-2017, 12:44 AM
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My husband is my childhood best friend and the one I had a crush on FOREVER from the day we first met (which is also the day I knew that I was going to marry him.)

We were homeschooled, not allowed to date because dating was sin, and clearly interested in each other in our teens. Everyone saw it. Then when I was sill 17 (he had JUST turned 18) his family moved away and they got rid of their computer and I'd never given him my snail mail address or anything except my email address, and he'd been told by his parents that he was not to contact me again. Until he managed to move out (which didn't last long) even his internet access at the public library was monitored by a parent.

The last thing I read from him, he had sent me a Valentine's Day e-card. That was in 2001.

August 2003 rolls around, and I find myself vacationing near where his family moved. So I decided to pay a visit and hopefully they would tell M that I was around and we could catch up and maybe I could tell him what I still felt about him.

Instead, they told me that he was dead. I took it extremely hard, I couldn't eat for months. The next year I basically had given up and decided to just give myself to whoever showed any interest. I was engaged 3 weeks after meeting my late husband. My family disapproved of him and we were only able to marry 5 years after that.

Six months after we got married, (2010) I found out M was still alive. And I found out he was in prison and what for. I almost didn't write him. But I decided he had been my friend when nobody else was so I needed to do the same for him.

Long story short-

My late husband approved of M and wanted to see us together. T had lupus and he knew he was going to die young. T actually wrote a letter to M asking him to marry me.

My family knew all along what M was in prison for- they were in on the lie that he was dead. They thought it was better to let me believe that then to have me wait for god knows how long to have a husband that I could actually be with physically.

When T died they already knew that I was writing M, and they gave up trying to prevent us from being together. In fact they offered their support and paid for me to be able to see M for the first time since he moved away 16 years before.

I'm autistic and currently unemployed, but every 5 months or so they pay for me to go out and see M. This most recent visit, we got married.

M's mother approves, I stay there when I visit. His parents are separated. His father doesn't know, and M isn't going to tell him. His father has not visited him in nearly 2 years. The last time he visited he told M that his grandmother had died and then walked out. That was all he came to say. It was less than a 5 minute visit.

Four of M's siblings are for us, three are not. I really only have contact with one of them. Two have blocked me on social media, one is not capable of communicating to anyone but her mother (low functioning autism- but I know she hates M and doesn't like me as a result) and the other three are two young to really remember M at all. He's 35, his youngest sibling is 18, and M left the home at around 19.

As far as friends go? Friends? What are friends? M was the only friend I really ever had.
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:13 AM
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My husband is my childhood best friend and the one I had a crush on FOREVER from the day we first met (which is also the day I knew that I was going to marry him.)

We were homeschooled, not allowed to date because dating was sin, and clearly interested in each other in our teens. Everyone saw it. Then when I was sill 17 (he had JUST turned 18) his family moved away and they got rid of their computer and I'd never given him my snail mail address or anything except my email address, and he'd been told by his parents that he was not to contact me again. Until he managed to move out (which didn't last long) even his internet access at the public library was monitored by a parent.

The last thing I read from him, he had sent me a Valentine's Day e-card. That was in 2001.

August 2003 rolls around, and I find myself vacationing near where his family moved. So I decided to pay a visit and hopefully they would tell M that I was around and we could catch up and maybe I could tell him what I still felt about him.

Instead, they told me that he was dead. I took it extremely hard, I couldn't eat for months. The next year I basically had given up and decided to just give myself to whoever showed any interest. I was engaged 3 weeks after meeting my late husband. My family disapproved of him and we were only able to marry 5 years after that.

Six months after we got married, (2010) I found out M was still alive. And I found out he was in prison and what for. I almost didn't write him. But I decided he had been my friend when nobody else was so I needed to do the same for him.

Long story short-

My late husband approved of M and wanted to see us together. T had lupus and he knew he was going to die young. T actually wrote a letter to M asking him to marry me.

My family knew all along what M was in prison for- they were in on the lie that he was dead. They thought it was better to let me believe that then to have me wait for god knows how long to have a husband that I could actually be with physically.

When T died they already knew that I was writing M, and they gave up trying to prevent us from being together. In fact they offered their support and paid for me to be able to see M for the first time since he moved away 16 years before.

I'm autistic and currently unemployed, but every 5 months or so they pay for me to go out and see M. This most recent visit, we got married.

M's mother approves, I stay there when I visit. His parents are separated. His father doesn't know, and M isn't going to tell him. His father has not visited him in nearly 2 years. The last time he visited he told M that his grandmother had died and then walked out. That was all he came to say. It was less than a 5 minute visit.

Four of M's siblings are for us, three are not. I really only have contact with one of them. Two have blocked me on social media, one is not capable of communicating to anyone but her mother (low functioning autism- but I know she hates M and doesn't like me as a result) and the other three are two young to really remember M at all. He's 35, his youngest sibling is 18, and M left the home at around 19.

As far as friends go? Friends? What are friends? M was the only friend I really ever had.
Wow I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that, but I'm glad you two found your way back to each other. That's why I'm so certain that T and I are meant to be as cheesy as that sounds. He and I lost touch after pur breakup in high school, he moved away and started dating someone else and I did too. Senior year of high school his mom passed, and it took everything in me to not reach out to him, even tho I really wanted to, I just didnt know how he felt. When I found out he was in jail two years later I still was unsure about writing to him but my one best friend urged me to because we both knew he needed someone. When he got out he contacted me and we've been glued to each other ever since. How long does your man have left ?
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Old 07-11-2017, 12:48 PM
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Wow I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that, but I'm glad you two found your way back to each other. That's why I'm so certain that T and I are meant to be as cheesy as that sounds. He and I lost touch after pur breakup in high school, he moved away and started dating someone else and I did too. Senior year of high school his mom passed, and it took everything in me to not reach out to him, even tho I really wanted to, I just didnt know how he felt. When I found out he was in jail two years later I still was unsure about writing to him but my one best friend urged me to because we both knew he needed someone. When he got out he contacted me and we've been glued to each other ever since. How long does your man have left ?
He has what's known as an indeterminate sentence. His minimum was 4 years, but he has been in 15 so far. Indeterminate sentencing is basically life with possibility of parole.

So currently he has no release date and his last parole hearing was basically a sham.
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Old 07-11-2017, 01:01 PM
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He has what's known as an indeterminate sentence. His minimum was 4 years, but he has been in 15 so far. Indeterminate sentencing is basically life with possibility of parole.

So currently he has no release date and his last parole hearing was basically a sham.
I'm sorry - stay strong tho
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Old 07-11-2017, 08:06 AM
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I'm pretty sure they've imagined me getting married to the likes of George Clooney but what the heck... Jeff is perfect and with a record, so flipping what? My family and friends are happy when I'm happy so all is good. They are all very supportive!
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Old 07-11-2017, 01:01 PM
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I'm pretty sure they've imagined me getting married to the likes of George Clooney but what the heck... Jeff is perfect and with a record, so flipping what? My family and friends are happy when I'm happy so all is good. They are all very supportive!
Same here, my parents hear "jail, record, etc' and they immediately disapprove. They're willing to let him prove himself but itll be a LONG road
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:25 PM
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I don't care what any of them think nor have I asked any of their opinions about it. My brother who passed away was our biggest supporter I wish I could call him every day Other then that I really don't even talk about it with anyone but our daughter. It's my life and I have to live it not them.
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:27 PM
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I don't care what any of them think nor have I asked any of their opinions about it. My brother who passed away was our biggest supporter I wish I could call him every day Other then that I really don't even talk about it with anyone but our daughter. It's my life and I have to live it not them.
I'm sorry for your loss and I dont care either, but i still live at home so its super difficult to have a good relationship with my family when they make comments all the time
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Old 07-14-2017, 06:51 AM
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I met my now- husband when I was 19 and he was 22, he was my first serious relationship. I fell madly in love with him quickly and deeply. At first my parents, especially my dad was kinda weary of the whole thing but I think it was just him dealing with me growing up. My husband quickly became a part of my family though. Him and my dad loved sports and would spend hours just having a beer and talking, or BBQing. I would come home and find my boyfriend there just hanging with my family. My dad always said he would never approve of me "living in sin" but he actually co-signed for the house we leased together. We were together almost 3 years before we broke up. I think the big mistake I made was telling my parents, especially my mom every time we'd fight or issues we were having. I'm their daughter so of course they're over protective. I ended up moving out and getting my own apartment. And the relationship did not really end on good terms and I did not agree with some of the things he was doing. Though we were still very much in love, we were just too young and immature and needed time to grow up. What's funny is my dad never liked or got along with any of my other boyfriends even close to how he liked my husband.

Time went on and we always still thought of each other, we always knew what the other was up too. And let's just say he was getting to be a very well known person around the area where we lived, and we live in a big town. He was already well known when I was with him but this was on a different level. My parents of course heard things that he was up too because people still associated me with him because we had been engaged for awhile. He was even on the news a few times. Anyways eventually we started talking again and he was changing his ways and doing the right things, but the police wanted him BADLY for things he allegedly did in the past but nothing ever stuck. His house was even raided 3 times and it literally was like what you see in the movies, but nothing was ever found. Eventually the police came up with some bogus charge and he finally ended up in prison. I didn't tell my parents we were back together until he was in prison and they were not happy about it, and we kinda just didn't talk about it at all. I think they still cared for him because of the past but of course did not agree with the choices he had made. And I understood their feelings. It wasn't until I told them we were getting married that they really freaked out. It was probably the biggest fight I'd ever had with my dad. But still if I looked at it from their point of view I could see why they were upset. He still had 8 years left on his sentence and they didn't want me just sitting around waiting for him in the prime of my life when they weren't even sure if he had really changed. It broke my heart when they didn't come to my wedding. Only my two best friends did, plus his brother and niece and nephew. But I had absolutely no doubts, I knew him better than anyone and he was my best friend. If I thought he hadn't changed I never would have married him. It was the best day of my life and he actually started bawling and had tears streaming down his face when he said his vows to me. And I remember looking over at his brother and he had a shocked look on his face because my husband never cries, he's one of those very Alpha male types.... Tall, about 230 with tattoos so to see him so emotional just made it so much more special. With my parents it took time, lots of time. Slowly they would start asking about him once in awhile and finally one day I was on the phone with him and I don't remember how it happened but somehow my dad got on the phone with him and they started talking and it was as if no time had passed since the time we were together when I was just 19. Eventually he started talking to them both one in awhile and slowly their relationship grew. Finally they agreed to go visit him and the visit went great. My husband's Dad was never around when he was growing up so I think that is why his relationship with my dad has meant so much. Now they are always talking about the future and when he comes home and my Dad calls him "son" and both my parents tell them they love him and have even helped with lawyers fees for his appeal, which I never asked them too. It just blows my mind how far they've come since we first got married and I'm so thankful that out of this crazy situation that they've accepted my husband and truly love him.
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