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  #1  
Old 06-06-2018, 11:17 PM
Edsgirl10579 Edsgirl10579 is offline
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Default I cheated after 8 years

Yes. I never tought I would. My hubby has been in for 8 years serving a 20. Ive waited patiently, I love him. I miss him but i did what I promised him Iíd never do. Please donít judge. I tried. Ive waited. Still waiting but I needed that touch, that desire that most of us need/want at times. It was good at the moment but now all I feel is guilt. I donít know want to do.
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Old 06-07-2018, 01:58 AM
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You made a mistake, you feel guilty that is how things go.
Be the best you can be and move on.
Don't tell him what happened, he can't do anything about it.
It is your "problem" deal with it.
May it be a lesson.
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  #3  
Old 06-07-2018, 03:26 AM
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I agree with Raf's Girl that it's your problem and that you have to deal with it yourself. I also wouldn't tell your husband but I'm not into "lesson learned".
Actually I get you and I have no clue how I would deal with this kind of situation.
You obviously have promised each other to stay faithful so you broke that promise but I also understand why. The loss of physical touch and intimacy is hard and difficult to deal with.
I personally would move on and keep it to yourself, deal with it the best you can and maybe forget the whole thing if possible.
As for the chance if ever happening again... well... cross that bridge when you get there.
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  #4  
Old 06-07-2018, 07:30 AM
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Third vote for don't tell. Understand just why you felt that need and figure out how to fulfill it without doing further damage to yourself. If that means get a massage for the touch (Swedish type may be the best bet) or a dance class or working with puppies and kittens, then do it.

Then forgive yourself. This is a hellish road, and carrying guilt along the whole journey is just more of a burden than it's worth. It achieves nothing once you've figured out how to avoid the temptation.

Then hug yourself. You will have learned and taught yourself some good things and you'll have earned it.
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Old 06-07-2018, 01:06 PM
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Hello there. I moved your post over to Husband and Boyfriends in prison since this is more about your relationship than it is about being locked up in Texas.


As for your issue, nobody here SHOULD judge you. There's nothing easy about being with a man who is locked up for a long time. No man or woman is an island, and nobody on these boards is perfect.


The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to forgive yourself and keep stepping. Put it behind you. Dwelling on it will make you feel worse.
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Old 06-07-2018, 01:14 PM
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I'm also going to vote for "don't tell." At least not at this point. If this was a one-off or short-term thing, put it in the past and keep it there.

Where you might need to have a talk is if this becomes an ongoing thing or if you find yourself having some sort of more serious feeling or emotional connection to someone else. At that point you would need to talk about it and you'd need to figure out what it means for your marriage, what his take on it is, and whether you're staying in the marriage or not.

I tend to be pretty liberal about relationships and not everyone here would be in agreement with some of my takes, but the reality is, everyone's a bit different. Know what works for you. If you're really done with it, then yeah, I think....keep it quiet. If not...that's when you talk.

Good luck to you.

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  #7  
Old 06-07-2018, 01:30 PM
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I agree with the thought that telling a significant other about cheating is a selfish act. Telling them does nothing but hurt them. You can't take it back, they can't do anything about it. You just have to decide what you want. Can you stay in the relationship as it was/is and not have the fact that you cheated affect it negatively? Will you be able to do what is necessary to be sure it doesn't happen again? I worry that if you forget about it as others have suggested, that makes it too easy for it to happen again, and hey, you can just forget about it again. I know that is not what they are suggesting, but once something happens once with no real consequences, it is that much easier for it to happen again.

So, I guess it depends on what you can handle and what your relationship can handle.

I tend to be extremely liberal myself and wish sometimes that I could be more so and be in a mostly open relationship. haha. I do draw lines for myself but don't have a drop of judgement for what others decide for themselves personally.

Relationships are so hard! One reason I am absolutely loving single life and cannot actually even fathom a relationship at this point.

You will work this out. I do suggest trying to do so on your own first though before sharing something you could regret in the future. Once you do, you cannot take it back and it may be forgiven but never forgotten.
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  #8  
Old 06-07-2018, 02:11 PM
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You know, I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective here.

First of all, I don't think the OP should be feeling any guilt at all. We all need intimacy in our lives, and very few of us have the capacity to live like absolute monks or nuns, completely depriving ourselves of intimate contact for years and years on end.

You know what I think is selfish? Someone who commits a crime that earns them a 20-year prison sentence, expecting their loved one on the outs to have to live in complete celibacy just because of their own selfish actions that put them there in the first place. I know if I ever landed myself a prison sentence of more than 5 years, I'd tell my girlfriend she's free to seek other relationships. If I were married, I'd tell her it's okay if she divorced.

I can understand not wanting to tell him that you cheated, but I would be having a heart-to-heart with him and letting him know how lonely you are without him and that you're really missing intimate contact in your life. If he has half a heart, he'd give you permission to "cheat", even if you decided to still remain married until he gets out.

Take a look at some of WaitingWilkes posts in the Wives & Girlfriends in Prison forum. His wife got sentenced to a very long term of confinement, and even though they are still married, they each gave themselves permission to have intimate contact with other people since they can't have it between themselves for so long. That's the way to go, IMHO, if you have an LO serving a very long sentence. No need to torture yourselves and deprive yourselves.

We all have intimate needs and should never feel guilty about fulfilling them. Living in complete celibacy isn't natural. It's not what nature intended.
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  #9  
Old 06-07-2018, 03:05 PM
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I'm married to a lifer. He has given me permission to have other intimate relationships. I haven't done it in terms of sex, but I do have a cuddle buddy I see when lack of physical contact gets to be too much. If I lived in the same state as my husband, I wouldn't even need that. I can get by with two hugs every other week. I really only see my cuddle buddy once every 6 months or so. And all it basically is is hugs, occasionally cuddling on the couch watching a movie, and I think he kissed me on the forehead once. He is polyamorous and in multiple relationships, I am not even really considered in a relationship with him. He knows that I'm not interested in one and that I'm not going any further than this.

And M, at least in his last prison, had a guy who gave him hugs too. It's just how we are. And we're open and honest and will just tell the other that we saw our respective cuddle buddy that day. We both know that it's a coping mechanism, not a replacement for our relationship.

I agree with the others- take this as a learning experience and don't tell. If you do it more than once- you may need to re-evaluate or gently broach the idea of an open relationship.
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  #10  
Old 06-07-2018, 03:20 PM
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I am another vote for dint tell him. He cant do anything but agonise over details and drive himself crazy. You will feel guilt thats normal but try best to move on and forget that it happened. If the situation is to ever happen again maybe you two need a conversation to discuss your needs as your only human . Best of luck
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Old 06-07-2018, 05:11 PM
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I’m not a huge proponent of “I’ll wait for you” pacts when it comes to long term inmates. Yes, I waited for my LO for 2.5 years, and even by the end of that relatively short time I was taking a long, hard look at myself trying to figure out how in the world anyone other than my LO was benefiting from it.

So, while I do respect that you made that commitment, I think you should be kind to yourself. Very few people sign up for relationships wanting to be lonely. We get into relationships for intimacy and companionship and sometimes the limits prison places on that are just too much. You’re only human, trying to survive an extremely difficult relationship.

I don’t know if I would tell or not. I guess it would depend on what you want out of your relationship going forward. If it was a 1 time thing and you’re absolutely committed to waiting celibatley for the next 12 years of your life, I don’t see much point in telling your LO unless admitting to sleeping with someone else was part of what iou agreed to when he went to prison. But if this is something you intend to continue, you need to be honest with your LO about how you feel and what you need.

No one is going to judge you for not being some “perfect ride or die” prison wife. We’re all just attempting to do our best in supporting our loved ones, and no ones best is perfect. I could not (and would not) even imagine waiting celibately for someone for 20 years, so, heck, you’ve got my mad props for 8 years!
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Old 06-07-2018, 05:13 PM
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Donít beat yourself up. Itís hard enough going through years of lack of physical intimacy, I can imagine.

Personally, Iíd LIKE to say I would confess. I donít know how I could stand with that eating me up inside. But... honestly it would do no good to tell him, only make him paranoid. Maybe you two should have a talk about trying to fill in the gaps of the physical intimacy somehow, however youíd imagine that going down.
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Old 06-07-2018, 10:51 PM
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The only thing confessing this would do is make another human being share in the terrible feeling you are having. It would accomplish nothing. Confess to your higher power if you have one, forgive your self and try to move on. Do not tell anyone who knows him, people have a way of running their mouth.
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Old 06-07-2018, 10:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edsgirl10579 View Post
Yes. I never tought I would. My hubby has been in for 8 years serving a 20. Ive waited patiently, I love him. I miss him but i did what I promised him Iíd never do. Please donít judge. I tried. Ive waited. Still waiting but I needed that touch, that desire that most of us need/want at times. It was good at the moment but now all I feel is guilt. I donít know want to do.
Youíre human, forgive yourself. Youíve sacrificed a lot and gone through a lot. I donít see how anyone can judge you, and if they do thatís their problem. Donít judge yourself either. And as others have said, I would keep it to yourself, I donít think anything would be helped by saying something to him about it. Be good to yourself and move forward.
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Old 06-07-2018, 11:33 PM
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Thanks everyone for your advice. Iíve been thinking long and hard about what I did. It was a one time thing and Iím not going to tell him. Kinda like the song All I want to do is make love to you (without the baby part of course) thatís how I felt. I know I failed my marriage but refuse to feel guilty for a natural need everyone has at one point or another. I didnít ask to be placed in this situation. I didnít choose this road but Iíll ride it till I canít no more. Iíll keep you all posted either on the coming home or when the relationship is over forum.

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Old 06-08-2018, 06:09 AM
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I feel more along the lines of Nickel Timer. First, do NOT beat yourself up over this. You did not commit a crime! The fact of the matter is, you never would have been put in this position if someone else (hubby) hadn't committed a crime that put him away for 20 years. You can feel guilty all you want and beat yourself up all you want over it, but you my dear have nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. Your husband is the one that should feel guilty, guilty not just for his victims, but guilty for the emotional toll his crime and incarceration has had on you. We all act out in different ways, and if this is how you had to act you, so be it. If this is how you had to meet your needs, so be it. Personally, I think you're a saint. To agree to be alone for 20 years!! And, having been celibate for 8!!!

Now as for telling him, yes, that may only hurt him and trust me, he will then tell someone in the prison he is in, and that will just make it worse because they will then egg him on to do something more drastic, like divorce you, or god knows what. I say this because I just heard something very similar from my husband about an inmate where he is. A guy who has only a few year sentence, had his wife and kids come visit and she told him she wanted to see men while he is in prison. Not get divorced or anything, but just because she's lonely. That also doesn't mean have sex. I don't recall if the guy said he would think about it or what, but after a couple days the guy asked my husband for advice because he is now thinking of getting a divorce! This couple has 10 kids!!!! And they're young. In my opinion, this guy shouldn't do anything in any case until he's out because who knows what she will do about him seeing the kids and/or bringing the kids to see him.

The flip side is if you decide not to tell him, you have to make sure you never go back and tell him later. That will kill him if he later finds out or that you held it for a certain period of time and then told him. You can't take it back if you don't tell him now. And, you should also be prepared in case he ever asks you straight up. He may even do that when he gets out of prison in 12 years if you ever cheated. Also, if you decide not to tell him, then do NOT tell any other person in your circle. No family, friends, work people, etc. If you do, trust me, it will come back later to bite you in the ass when he gets out or sooner if he has contact with people. That may not be the intent, but people let things slip accidentally and the last thing you will ever want is for him to find out that way. It is a hard call either way.

My philosophy is always to come out ahead of things so that they can't bite you later, so if you decide not to tell him and know you can keep it to yourself, then it shouldn't be an issue, but if you've told others, or you have to worry about the person telling him, then you need to think this out.

Lastly, it is a big burdern to carry. But there are bigger things in life and you just need to move on. You should decide however, if now that you've had a taste of it again after 8 years, are you truly going to be able to go another 12 without it. Or, if you will have another breakdown. And if you do, it is ok. That is life and there are worse things you can do.
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Old 06-09-2018, 12:23 PM
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I wouldn't tell and I hope you can stop feeling guilty xo
I didn't cheat- it was 2 year wait for me.
I wanted to cheat sometimes though
It's really hard
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Old 06-09-2018, 09:35 PM
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I pray you will be forgiving of yourself. Twenty years is a very long time to expect someone to live celibate. I don’t think one night of physical feel goods means you don’t love, respect and desire your husband he is just unavailable right now. It’s a lot for him to ask I’m not sure I could have even agreed to that, especially when I was younger. Our not a bad person at all. What’s bad is when the man gets out of prison and his wife has another man moved in and he had no idea...that’s bad lol keep your head up!
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Old 06-10-2018, 05:21 AM
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I'm on the other side of this vote but this is me. Cheating isn't a mistake it's a choice. You know what you were doing. I'm not judging because it's your life not mine. But if it were me the guilt alone would just about kill me. 20 years is a long time but if I were in that situation I wouldn't stay married to my husband. I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 06-17-2018, 10:16 AM
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I believe in that saying "what's done in the dark will always come to light" I disagree with alot of these posts. Your Man wasn't born yesterday I am sure he knows you have needs and are out here waiting for him. This is going to change things going forward, I am sure it already has you questioning if you can continue waiting the next 12 years. I would talk to him about it. Yes it will hurt but you can get through it together and become stronger because of it. Relationships never do well when they are surrounded by secrets. If he finds out later and knows that you cheated and then continued to lie that will hurt him way more. To think that you were able to talk to him and visit him and look him in his eyes like nothing is wrong he will never trust you again. I wouldn't.
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Old 06-26-2018, 10:46 PM
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Update: I told him the truth. I couldn't keep it from him. He was quiet the first few days then he showed me how upset he was. I donít blame him. He forgave me after a few weeks but I realized I wasnít asking him for forgiveness. I just wanted to come clean. I love him but I refuse to put myself second any longer. For 8 years all I have done is be by his side. He asked me if I was still in love with him. ABSOLUTELY!!! I wasnt looking to get swept off my feet. In the real world, love doesnít conquer all. It doesnít pay the bills, it doesnít triumph over sickness, It doesnít save us. With this being said. My marriage is over. Not because he chose to but because I did. I love him with all my heart but Ive made my peace. Heíll be taken care of and Iím moving on.
Thanks for everyoneís support. Iíll be around...

Last edited by Edsgirl10579; 06-26-2018 at 11:16 PM..
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:32 PM
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After reading your update, it left me feeling sad. But I wish you two well, whether you are together or apart.
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  #23  
Old 06-27-2018, 06:49 AM
formerwisinmate formerwisinmate is offline
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Yes. Don't tell him. I imagine cheating on loved ones when they are locked up happens more then you think. I give you credit for sticking with the relationship. Most partners up and leave in a relatively short time after the prison term begins. He can appreciate that he still has phone calls, letters, and visits from you. Sometimes sex is just that..it doesnt mean you love the other person, only that you fullfilled your needs short term.
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Old 06-27-2018, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Edsgirl10579 View Post
With this being said. My marriage is over. Not because he chose to but because I did. I love him with all my heart but Ive made my peace. Heíll be taken care of and Iím moving on.
Thanks for everyoneís support. Iíll be around...
I am glad you discovered what is best for you and had the courage to make this decision! It is your life and your decision and most of us here totally understand how hard this kind of life can be for all involved. Wishing you all the best and yes please, do stick around and let us know how you're doing - I know this couldn't have been an easy decision but it is absolutely the right thing to do when you know it in your heart that it is time to move on
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  #25  
Old 06-27-2018, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Kimimi View Post
I pray you will be forgiving of yourself.


Twenty years is a very long time to expect someone to live celibate.


It’s a lot for him to ask I’m not sure I could have even agreed to that, !



Kimimi. hi chica. good evening ,hola.

I still am #happily_still_celibate. I am not sure who think about it too much. but i sure don't judge any 1 who can't go the length of 1 to 10 to 15/20 yrs.
without sex/making love et.al., I been celibate 15 years just about shocking women and men alike, when i share this with them."I just stop having sex/making love after mi last (and 2nd) abusive DV relationship."I was in therapy for years, and got over the ex and finally realize the "abuse" was not at all, mi fault, whatsoever.
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However, am still not thinkin'about having full intercourse. I am a very sensual woman, and always have been, but i am just not into sex/making love just because i feel i am missing out on something great.(that's how i look at it)but never judge one woman who feel she had to go get it/have sex/make love etc.al., to a man or woman etc.,
OP EDS GIRL: It will all be okay. You should yes, forgive yourself,and stay focus on loving your man and being happy ok? FORGIVE yourself.

- But i would tell him. But, that chica, is just me, though. I pray you're going to be ok with whatever decision you're making.
)I AGAIN, went 15 yrs almost this year without it, NADA ... chica. nothing. for 15 yrs...but at times: I only miss the intimacy with huggin/holding each other close,nothing more. but for me? I have to love him/really desire/with love involved for again ME to be with a man even wat the intimacy/huggin/holdig himm close phase. et.al., and making love/sex etc.al., so personally again for "me" i personally can wait on making love a long time,and i am lolok with it. It'all all en mi dios(in my god's hands now on when it will happen with the LUCKY man who will be my 1st after so long~ LOL
I'm sure "one day" it will happen again. But i am OK without it at this time over a decade now.No regrets on waiting." "Doesn't bother me to remain without sex."Good luck to you again on whatever decision,
EDSGirl
you're going to make. I would tell. It would bother me mentally/physically inside if i did not,because i would NEVER want it to be where he cheated and then wasn't able to tell me. "That's again, what i would do...adios hugs and blessings. Good night, PTO.
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#TAAS(there are always signs,so DON'T ignore them)
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Lead with your MIND + not your heart.
CONSISTENCY..."is key.
loyalty,maturity + respect to his el reina,(his queen)
Without "action" applied to his words, it's not real.#DON'T SETTLE.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 06-27-2018 at 09:07 PM..
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