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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: What is the most important of the following to your relationship?
Faithfullness 12 26.67%
Honesty 37 82.22%
Support 12 26.67%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 45. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 04-08-2014, 03:17 PM
kits3n kits3n is offline
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Default What is the most important element of your relationship?

I have read through afew threads here about faithfulness and I don't really agree with the overwhelming majority of judgmental sanctimonious replies. I have a few points to make in response.

1. Being sexually active while your loved one is inside does not have to ruin your relationship. Lies ruin relationships. Sex is a natural normal compulsion we have, and denying yourself that is fine if that's what works for you- but it's a not a one size fits all solution and you shouldn't judge others by it.

2. Love and sex are not the same thing. Period.

3. Someone who has sex while their partner is incarcerated is not necessarily a cheater. Under normal circumstance they may never dream of being unfaithful, but in extreme situations like many of us are going through there is oft not an easy an answer.

4. Life is just as hard for those who choose to continue in sexual relationships as those who don't. We are not 'weak' by any means. The person we love has still been ripped from our lives, we are still experiencing an intense and unique trauma. How we deal with said trauma is equally unique. The amount strength it takes just to face your situation can be massive.

I could go on, but it would get somewhat redundant. Vote above, feel free to throw stones, I can certainly take it.
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Old 10-22-2017, 11:42 PM
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Old 10-23-2017, 12:54 AM
nygirl17 nygirl17 is offline
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And yes having sex with someone other then you husband/wife is cheating. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this and never will. My husband and I are loyal to each other. We have each others hearts and we know that it means faithfulness truthfulness etc.....i feel sorry for those who don't love their spouse enough not to cheat.
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Old 10-23-2017, 02:41 AM
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JustBeingMe67 JustBeingMe67 is offline
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To each his or her own but I know for damn sure, sharing my body with someone other than my partner is NOT going to happen. I was raised to be monogamous whether incarceration is in the picture or not.

It almost seems as though you are looking to have stones thrown at you, or you wouldn't even bring it up.
Be Real, Be You
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Old 10-23-2017, 05:48 AM
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I suppose you can look at sex as simply a physical act/need ..however for me it's more than that..its intimacy and that part of my relationship that keeps me connected at a deeper level . That said for me it would dilute that connection if I were to share that intimacy with a random other person and I would feel guilty so it would definitely damage my primary relationship. I would not want my man sleeping with another person ..so I would not choose to potentially hurt him by doing so. I'm not judging those who choose to do so I just feel it's a slippery slope and not one I'm willing to climb.
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Old 10-23-2017, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post

Without a doubt. Chica. Again ICAM (i couldn't agree more)

To be tied with loyalty...Many don't live by it. Many fakes.I cannot deal with any 1 en vida(in life)who preach on "communication" loyalty/trust/honor so many men say it all of the time and clearly are not able to maturely and respectfully live by it all."I just couldn't do this or any relationship without LOYALTY/COMMUNICATION first and foremost. No need being in a committed relationship without it... ,I sure wouldn't be.

Good night PTO'ers." hugs blessings for all."
"Pensando en ti, g-man."
CONSISTENCY..."is key." If a man wants better, he'll show it 24-7 with action,loyalty,maturity,respect to his el reina,(his queen)
Without "action" applied to his words, it's not real."#BeSmart #DON'T SETTLE Life is just too short not to be happy en vida..."
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Old 10-24-2017, 04:34 PM
EccentricManda EccentricManda is offline
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I picked honesty. The reason being- before this relationship I was married for 16 years by a man who had a secret life. He had some affairs. He ended up taking his life and left me a young widow. Had he been honest we could have worked through issues. Communication is important... very important but it wasnt an option up there. I need communication instead of wondering. I can work through issues if i know what issues exist. But yes honesty.. My incarcerated loved one has already let me know that he will understand if I .... this or that... but I need to be honest and let him know also if i am weak etc. I intend every bit of intention of being faithful and loyal to him.

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Old 10-25-2017, 11:35 AM
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To me The most important thing is communication, then honesty and trust. I also think when you're connected on a deeper level, sex is not a big deal. Do I get the urge sometimes of course I do, but i couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else.
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Old 11-02-2017, 09:54 AM
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I feel like if you truly love someone you wouldn't want to be with someone else. Sure I can see a guy and think "Oh, he's good-looking" but I don't feel any need to go out and be physical with any man. Sex was a huge part of our relationship before he went to prison and I know it will be when he comes home. But to me I took vows before God and vowed to my husband to be faithful and I take those vows very seriously. I believe the most important thing is trust, closely followed by communication. If you are in a committed relationship faithfulness should just be expected or why are you even in a relationship at all.
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Old 11-02-2017, 11:11 AM
xolady xolady is offline
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I think most would think cheating is cheating whether someone is in prison or sleeping right next to you every night!! Sorry I believe honesty and faithfulness and loyalty are all important. I can survive no sex I can't survive a cheating liar!!
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Old 11-02-2017, 11:42 AM
Texasflower08 Texasflower08 is offline
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Faithful is most important because cheating is a deal breaker
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Old 11-02-2017, 07:41 PM
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Trust and communication.

My LO and I got into a little spat because I was unaware of a second charge. He didn't see it as a big deal because his release didn't change, wasnt a big charge (bail jumping 3) but I was still mad. We talked and addressed it, and we were both wrong, but has we not been able to be open it would've eaten at me (why isn't he telling me?)

Also, sex whether incarcerated or not is, imo cheating. Sure its natural, but as an adult have some self control, i feel like if you're really riding there wouldn't even be a question to it... And if there is, there are things you can buy for that
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Old 11-03-2017, 10:08 AM
sylvia glenn sylvia glenn is offline

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how inlove we are with each other loyalty trust and honor I could never cheat on him it would make me sick nobody could ever give me or compare to my husband honesty respect and communication and at the top
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:35 AM
Fredslady5 Fredslady5 is offline
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Honesty... their has to be trust and communication in any relationship, my ex husband mwi, lied to me all while he was incarcerated knowing his heart belonged to someone else
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Old 11-30-2017, 05:16 PM
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I have to wonder if the OP is still with their fiance given their stance on faithfulness/loyalty. If your partner is cool with an open relationship, I say go right ahead. Sex is not just sex if your partner is in the dark about you having sex with other people. The same goes for emotional cheating. You're either committed to someone or you aren't and if you aren't at least be upfront about what you want in the relationship.

To me Honesty, faithfulness and support all go hand in hand and communication is the key to it all.
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Old 12-01-2017, 10:55 PM
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Honesty is most important to him because lies are what made his life miserable. To me, faithfullness is very important too.
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Old 06-04-2018, 02:29 PM
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Support and Honesty.

At the risk of being lambasted-

I'm a lifer wife. He does have a decent shot of getting out in the somewhat near future, but his sentence is technically to life. And he has let me know that because of this, should I want a sexual partner (I don't,) or even a secondary relationship (I don't see that happening) he would not hold it against me in any way whatsoever. We started this while I was married to someone else (however, he was terminally ill and I was not getting sex on any sort of regular basis. I would never have left him for M, and just kept my relationship with M as emotional caring and a decision that I would be with him next.) M is my childhood sweetheart, when he went to prison his mother told me he was dead, which is the ONLY reason I even met my late husband.

Now, I am demisexual, so it's not likely that I would find anyone else that I would have a deep connection with. I have literally only loved two men in my entire life, and I married both. I don't really have a sex drive, but I do have a drive for some physical contact like cuddles and hugs.

That said, I do currently have a friend that I get cuddles from sometimes. I'll go over and cuddle with him on his couch and watch a movie. That's it. Or often, it's more like we'll meet up for lunch and he'll hug me before we sit down and before we part, and that satisfies my need for physical contact for some time without actually cuddling.

It's stayed that way for 2 years. M is fine with this because he knows that I love him foremost and that it's just filling a basic human need (my family has never been huggy) and that when we CAN be together, I will get that need fulfilled by him. And neither my cuddle buddy or I want a relationship together.

Faithfulness for us is determined by our honesty and communication. I tell him when I've been with my cuddle buddy and told him that's all that happened (and it's always true- I don't have a deep connection with this guy like I do with M.) And M had a close friend in prison (and later in halfway house- the guy moved to the same one about a month after him) that was fulfilling the same need for basic physical contact (hugs) for him. No sex. Even then he would tell me "hey, I needed hugs and so I came to D and asked him for one."

We're also in separate states so it's not even like we can hold off for two weeks before we see each other again. By the time I see him next, it will have been over 13 MONTHS since we last held each other. So allowing this amount of physical contact with others is absolutely vital.

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