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  #51  
Old 01-01-2013, 02:53 PM
Lil_minxie Lil_minxie is offline
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I try to plan my day ahead trying not to stop and think if I do it kills me miss him so much xx
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  #52  
Old 01-03-2013, 10:27 PM
EuforicDisaster EuforicDisaster is offline
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I'm only 20 and this whole experience has grown me up so much. I've learned a whole new level of patience and devotion. When we got together, Rob pulled me out of a deep despair I was going through. He taught me how to love myself and what real love is. He helped me quit doing hard core drugs and quit drinking. He loved me like I was never loved before. We had an amazing four months before he was incarcerated. But because I love him and am so grateful for all of the love he's shown me, I stand by him and support him. Rob is the world to me. And 8 months or 8 years, hell, I'll wait forever. He'll be home on our one year anniversary. We've been apart more than we've been together.

But that's what love is, though, right? When no matter what the world throws at you, you stay together. You just do whatever it takes to help each other through the most difficult times in your life. He calls me at least once a day. We write each other letters all the time. We tell each other everything. There's nothing he doesn't know about my life. I don't know how I do it, honestly. I just wake up and tell myself "Just for today, I will be happy. Just for today, I will count my blessings. Just for today, I will survive." I talk to our friends and family. I try to remember to go to my support groups. I write him every chance I get, about everything in my life. I try to take care of myself. I look for jokes to tell him or I write him poetry or I just write him letters about generally nothing. But to him it means everything. I try to get through today, one day at a time. I just do it because I love him and I know patience will reward us generously. Hope. I guess that's they call it. We just keeping having faith and hope in our love and we know everything usually works out. It hurts not having him here. But it would hurt even more not to have him at all. We have love. And that's all we need to get through this. For that, I am happy.

I guess my advice for those who have harder days than others, I just surround myself in all of his little gifts he's sent me. I have dozens of cards and artwork and it just doesn't feel right to throw them in a box on the shelf. I want to see them, to remind myself of the love we share, to be reminded of what I'm fighting for. Sometimes if it gets really bad and I find myself breaking down and crying, I write to him about it. I used be weary of sending him sad letters. But he told me he wants to know everything. And when I finally did tell him how sad I was, he was thrilled. He tells me he loves being needed. He tells me he feels useless and worthless and that when I tell him I need him, it makes him happy since he's the one that needs me all the time. It makes me happy when I make Rob happy. It makes me happy to know that we share such strong love together. It makes me happy just knowing I have him in my life and in my heart all the time. Our conversations on the phone are so full of laughter and energy and it's always everything I need to get me through the day. Instead of looking at like I'm just waiting for him to come home, I just look forward to the next letter or the next call or the next visit. Time seems to go faster that way. Above all else, it's really love that gets us through it. I feel like all you need is a little love and everything else falls into place.
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  #53  
Old 01-05-2013, 05:07 PM
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That's the kind of relationship we have as well. We talk at least once a day and I write him 5 letters a week, and he sends me alot of art work, i frame and hang around the house. And it's great that we share everything, he's my best friend. We have been married a little over 3 years, and he's been incarcerated for 1 year of it. We had an amazing relationship before he went in. He has 2 yrs and 9 months left, sounds like alot...but like you said i just look forward to one visit after the next and it goes by fast. I go see him 6 days a month for the whole 4 hours, he's only 1.5 hrs from my house. We really are lucky, I just miss him. I am out here caring for our son and catching up our debt so it will be better in the long run for him. I send him all sorts of articles from online he wants...and all sorts of magazines and catalogs.
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  #54  
Old 01-19-2013, 11:36 PM
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There is a lot of very good advice already offered, but one thing I wanted to add for someone who is just beginning this journey is to pace oneself. I am prepared to be doing this for a while, so I remember to approach it mentally like I'm running a marathon, not a sprint. I know I can't keep up indefinitely with writing long letters every day or affording daily phone calls or making weekly visits, not without taking away from other things that should be done, so I set a doable pace that I know I can maintain. I know this is what I must do to take good care of myself. I will be no good to myself, my kids, him, or anyone else if I burn myself out.

And some of the best advice given by many, and bears repeating, is to live a full life... Enjoy friends and family, engage in your hobbies, feed your mind and spirit. Don't incarcerate yourself.
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  #55  
Old 01-20-2013, 03:44 AM
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Just knowing that sooner or later something good will come up. We always tell each other about the things we wanna do in our future which has us hoping for those better days to come soon!. We can't stop living life or be all down about the situation cuz that'll lead us nowhere so we gotta always be productive with our time. Being young might be seen as a problem but I see it as a good thing because I can dedicate tons of time on school, work and myself to get my future goals going.!!
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  #56  
Old 01-20-2013, 03:49 AM
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Just knowing that sooner or later something good will come up. We always tell each other about the things we wanna do in our future which has us hoping for those better days to come soon!. We can't stop living life or be all down about the situation cuz that'll lead us nowhere so we gotta always be productive with our time. Being young might be seen as a problem but I see it as a good thing because I can dedicate tons of time on school, work and myself to get my future goals going.!!
Obstacles become opportunities when you keep the mission in mind. Good for you being productive, work, school , these are great ways to stay busy, to share with him about, and to help you to prepare for when he is released. Sounds like you're on top of it, that's great!
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  #57  
Old 01-20-2013, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by EuforicDisaster
I'm only 20 and this whole experience has grown me up so much. I've learned a whole new level of patience and devotion. When we got together, Rob pulled me out of a deep despair I was going through. He taught me how to love myself and what real love is. He helped me quit doing hard core drugs and quit drinking. He loved me like I was never loved before. We had an amazing four months before he was incarcerated. But because I love him and am so grateful for all of the love he's shown me, I stand by him and support him. Rob is the world to me. And 8 months or 8 years, hell, I'll wait forever. He'll be home on our one year anniversary. We've been apart more than we've been together.

But that's what love is, though, right? When no matter what the world throws at you, you stay together. You just do whatever it takes to help each other through the most difficult times in your life. He calls me at least once a day. We write each other letters all the time. We tell each other everything. There's nothing he doesn't know about my life. I don't know how I do it, honestly. I just wake up and tell myself "Just for today, I will be happy. Just for today, I will count my blessings. Just for today, I will survive." I talk to our friends and family. I try to remember to go to my support groups. I write him every chance I get, about everything in my life. I try to take care of myself. I look for jokes to tell him or I write him poetry or I just write him letters about generally nothing. But to him it means everything. I try to get through today, one day at a time. I just do it because I love him and I know patience will reward us generously. Hope. I guess that's they call it. We just keeping having faith and hope in our love and we know everything usually works out. It hurts not having him here. But it would hurt even more not to have him at all. We have love. And that's all we need to get through this. For that, I am happy.

I guess my advice for those who have harder days than others, I just surround myself in all of his little gifts he's sent me. I have dozens of cards and artwork and it just doesn't feel right to throw them in a box on the shelf. I want to see them, to remind myself of the love we share, to be reminded of what I'm fighting for. Sometimes if it gets really bad and I find myself breaking down and crying, I write to him about it. I used be weary of sending him sad letters. But he told me he wants to know everything. And when I finally did tell him how sad I was, he was thrilled. He tells me he loves being needed. He tells me he feels useless and worthless and that when I tell him I need him, it makes him happy since he's the one that needs me all the time. It makes me happy when I make Rob happy. It makes me happy to know that we share such strong love together. It makes me happy just knowing I have him in my life and in my heart all the time. Our conversations on the phone are so full of laughter and energy and it's always everything I need to get me through the day. Instead of looking at like I'm just waiting for him to come home, I just look forward to the next letter or the next call or the next visit. Time seems to go faster that way. Above all else, it's really love that gets us through it. I feel like all you need is a little love and everything else falls into place.
Amen nd Wow u expressed yourself exactly how I feel!
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Old 01-20-2013, 12:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty

Obstacles become opportunities when you keep the mission in mind. Good for you being productive, work, school , these are great ways to stay busy, to share with him about, and to help you to prepare for when he is released. Sounds like you're on top of it, that's great!
Much thanks Patty this is a great thread to keep us the outmates going
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  #59  
Old 01-23-2013, 07:17 PM
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My husband has been locked up since May 2011. We have 6 years to go. I have waited faithfully and I will continue to wait faithfully. I don't understand why people come up to me and ask "what are you going to do now". WTF does that mean!! Our vows included the words *through thick and thin*, didn't yours?? Since his arrest, I've started back in school and I am doing my best to get by. He is in federal prison, so he can email me!! We email back and forth all day and I spend my nights waiting on that phone call. It can be tough being a "single mom", raising a 3 year old and doing everything from laundry to recaulking the tub. I don't do all this for me, I do it for us. I want to show him I can make it through. I don't want to be that wife who spends her days in bed depressed because he is gone. I want to show him I am a survivor. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. DUH! My vacations are now trips to prisons and that extra cash I do get goes to inmate funds. I see other wives who have husbands in prison, who tell them they miss them so much but go to bed with another man because they don't like being alone. I don't get that. I don't do it. I go to bed alone, and I am sure I am not the only one. Right?!
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  #60  
Old 01-27-2013, 02:00 AM
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I keep myself busy with work and getting things prepared for his homecoming. He was sentenced 3 1/2 years and we're under the year mark. I went to school, got my can license and got a better paying job. I write him often and talk to him when we get a chance. I help my friend with her kids and spend time with my family. The people around me ask why and how and I just tell them he's my best friend and husband, why not? Plus it won't be like this forever. Till death do us part.
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  #61  
Old 02-06-2013, 08:19 PM
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The way I'm doing it is by writing every day. Sometimes I right as the day goes by, as if he is next to me. I keep my self busy so that I don't lay down and dwell on things. I'm as always cleaning or cooking or reading to the kids. Mostly everything I do, I do it as if he was by my side. Like when I'm going to wear jeans, I can always hear his comments on what boots to put on or we both have his and hers perfume so I can always hear him telling me which one he's wearing. If I'm going to cook I make believe he's telling me what he wants for dinner. If I make the bed, I can hear him telling me not to cause he's going Ty o lay back in it... My husband has a favorite pillow that he's had forever. It sounds crazy, but this works for me. Every day I spray it with a little bit of one of his colognes, I sleep with that pillow...it still has his sweat and the mixture of his colognes. Like I said, I know people might think I'm weird or crazy, but I am crazy about my husband and yes I miss him! So, this crazyness works just fine for me
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  #62  
Old 02-10-2013, 04:01 PM
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Laugh,laugh,laugh...when me and hubby talk or write we always makes sure to get the other one laugh..and you always got to realize the doc tends to get ya when you need your man the most...like last night when I needed to hear his laugh they locked in all the inmates for the night..in that case remember your husband has no say and don't get angry
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Old 03-18-2013, 09:45 PM
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You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....
I take it day by day and keep doing my usual things. I found if you just sit on you ass (sorry for my language) it'll make things twice as hard.
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  #64  
Old 03-22-2013, 04:51 PM
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Coping Tips for Families
  • Don’t lose your identity in the system—don’t let your loved one or the system consume your life
  • Be good to yourself and take care of YOU.
  • Take time for yourself
  • Move through your daily life, work, take care of your family
  • Don’t focus on when s/he will come home—think about now
  • Do one day at a time
  • Think about the positive aspects of your relationship
  • Have at least one person you can be honest with—someone who will keep your secrets safe—don’t try to do this alone!!
  • Believe in yourself and your inner strength
  • Believe in God
  • Don’t keep things bottled up—talk them out
  • Cry when you feel you need to, scream if you have to
  • Never lose sight of who you are
  • Be true to yourself
  • Hold your head up high
  • Love your incarcerated person wholeheartedly—that does not mean giving him/her everything
  • Speak to your loved one often about your feelings
  • At some point stop asking why—accept reality and move on from there.
  • Get involved
  • Join a support group, be pro-active, reach out to those who will support, help and understand you (other prison families)
  • Join websites for prison families/friends
  • Keep busy
  • Be prayerful
  • Take your mind off your troubles, be involved with different things
  • Attend a local church
  • Be honest with yourself and your loved ones
  • Communicate!!
  • Work at bettering yourself, your relationship, your communication
  • Appreciate what you have.
  • Laugh
  • Play with your children
  • Exercise
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  #65  
Old 03-24-2013, 08:34 PM
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This is a HUGE one that is worth repeating. There are too many variables that have nothing to do with your relationship or the well being of your loved one to freak out when the phone doesn't ring at the exact moment you expect it to or you miss a mail day. Try to relax or you'll drive yourself crazy.
I did that for a while, his ex got my number and was messing with me and every time he didn't call I would freak out. But finally I just sat down and looked at all the details of out relationship before and after he went in, and reread all the letters he sent me since he went in and I realized that I am the one he wants to be with in there and out here, and nothing else matters. I am a lot saner and my friends appreciate that I stopped obsessing about him all the time. Now I know that weather or not I hear from him he loves me.
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Old 03-25-2013, 06:06 PM
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You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....
I keep living life. I'm not going to put my life on hold because of him being locked up, it wouldn't be fair for myself. Keeping busy makes me feel better about the whole situation. I do stop whatever I'm doing if i get a message or he calls.
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Old 03-25-2013, 07:41 PM
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I keep pushing ahead. I write him at least twice a week. I speak to him by phone daily. I pray for him daily as well as his safety in there. I keep living and working on the outside--bills don't stop for anybody!! I maintain my household and I wait patiently for him to come home to me
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:29 PM
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Quote:
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You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....
You are so so rite! I think after 8 times and still together I might be able to help some onez thanks....
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Old 04-06-2013, 07:25 PM
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I'm just starting again with this being our second time around with my fiance. He was gone for a year and half from April 08-Oct 09. I visited weekly at county jail, talked once a week, and wrote a letter or two a week. When he went to prison I visited every two weeks, he called one time the week I didn't visit, and I sent lots of letters and cards, and he sent me letters, hand made cards. He has now been in county jail since Nov 12, and was given a sentence of 15yrs do 7.5 with good time. while in county he called twice a month sometimes more because my mom was sick in Dec then passed away in Jan. I wrote couple times a week as did he, and I visited at least once a month. He doesn't know what prison he will be sent to as of yet, so depending where he goes depends on a lot of things. I will try to visit every two weeks if he is close by. I also have a chance to move closer to my family, and he said to do what I need to do. I work full time that keeps me busy, I try to write about every day things, his mom lives right by me in same trailer park, and she doesn't really write, and never goes to see him so I keep in informed of his family, and right after he was arrested his 16yr old daughter found him on facebook after him not seeing her in 14yrs, so she is writing him, and I'm in contact with her. He told me if I didn't want to stick it out he would understand, but I'm in for the long haul, and will do my best to keep him and me thinking positive thru this. I will still live my life, I can't sit back and boo hoo over this because I did not do the crime, but I will stand by him, be faithful to him, and help him get thru this. I send him the quotes and saying from Facebook, the heart to hearts, and the crazy funny ones, I shrink them down to six to a page, and he says he really gets a kick out of those, so I really try to find the light hearted ones.
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Old 04-06-2013, 07:49 PM
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How come he only calls a few times a month? Those phone calls make a big difference in the time apart

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Old 04-07-2013, 02:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty View Post
You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....

For starters, in the 2.5 years I've been an outmate, I've never heard that term before. I kinda like it. lol.

I just decided in the very beginning that to make it more bearable, I had to be as involved as possible; which was difficult at the time because I had to go through his mother for a while before I could get in contact with him personally. And because I didn't know how the whole process worked at first and had no other supports.

But yes, as some others have said, just continuing to live your life and moving forward helps a lot. In addition to having 100% open communication with my fiance. We talk a lot about everything and anything and that helps us both. And now that we only have about a 1.5yrs left, we've been planning the moves we need to make to prepare for it. I've been working a lot, saving up money, and we've been planning how he's going to apply to jobs/colleges, etc. And we'll be moving too (provided we are granted permission when the time comes) and all that happy stuff. So just staying busy busy busy. Very proactive. ) For me, that just seems to help a lot. Obviously the beginning was very hard, the first six months were the hardest, but by this point you find yourselves in a routine and it helps a bunch.
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Old 04-08-2013, 09:06 AM
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How come he only calls a few times a month? Those phone calls make a big difference in the time apart

In our case it's because of Money. I am the only person he has supporting him from the outside. I bring home $330-$350 a week, and about $200 a week is bill and living expense budget, then I give him about $50 a week, but now I have to use JPay that's another $6.95 fee, and then the prepaid phones have a fee so he has the choice of personal money or phone calls, and we are fine with just the few phone calls. Now he does do the "3 Second Love Calls" as we call them, where instead of saying his name when asked who's calling he will say "Love You, Have A Good Day, Miss You, Good Night" so at least I hear his voice, and that's always great.
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Old 04-14-2013, 08:49 PM
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I write him daily and put as much on the phones as I can afford. Send him little I love you notes in the mail or his favorite is when I just sat down and traced my hand. Just on a plain notebook piece of paper and said, "When you are lonely and missing me, put your hand in mine." He said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him. .
I realize you posted this a few months ago but I'm new to this whole outmate thing, sadly. I then came across this post. I traced my hand and sent it to him (a week before he got transferred, UGH) and had him do the same. I cherish it. I never feel alone. I miss his physical touch (hugs the most) so this makes me feel close to him. Thank you for suggesting this It has helped me
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Old 04-21-2013, 03:24 PM
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Sharing my experiences about my man and I now that he is home, is a real pleasure for me. I hope in doing so, that it gives courage and hope to those of you ladies who are still patiently waiting for the return of your loved ones. Sharing my experience with others is like an investment in my relationship. It keeps me wanting to continue to nurture and grow in my relationship. That's why so many times I see couples drift apart, they stop feeding and nurturing what they have and like a plant, if you don't water and fertilize it-IT DIES!

My man has been home.for.quite a while now and I'm still here. I want to stay a part of this community to provide some insight as to how life is now that he is home. I hope that what I share helps many of you. But if I can only help ONE person, then I consider it worth my time.
ty for staying part of the community and keeping in touch even though your loved one is home..congrats btw it gives the rest of us hope that are still waiting!!
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Old 04-21-2013, 03:30 PM
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Coping Tips for Families
  • Don’t lose your identity in the system—don’t let your loved one or the system consume your life
  • Be good to yourself and take care of YOU.
  • Take time for yourself
  • Move through your daily life, work, take care of your family
  • Don’t focus on when s/he will come home—think about now
  • Do one day at a time
  • Think about the positive aspects of your relationship
  • Have at least one person you can be honest with—someone who will keep your secrets safe—don’t try to do this alone!!
  • Believe in yourself and your inner strength
  • Believe in God
  • Don’t keep things bottled up—talk them out
  • Cry when you feel you need to, scream if you have to
  • Never lose sight of who you are
  • Be true to yourself
  • Hold your head up high
  • Love your incarcerated person wholeheartedly—that does not mean giving him/her everything
  • Speak to your loved one often about your feelings
  • At some point stop asking why—accept reality and move on from there.
  • Get involved
  • Join a support group, be pro-active, reach out to those who will support, help and understand you (other prison families)
  • Join websites for prison families/friends
  • Keep busy
  • Be prayerful
  • Take your mind off your troubles, be involved with different things
  • Attend a local church
  • Be honest with yourself and your loved ones
  • Communicate!!
  • Work at bettering yourself, your relationship, your communication
  • Appreciate what you have.
  • Laugh
  • Play with your children
  • Exercise
ty..i printed your list of coping tips as reminders..any little thing that will help on the outside
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