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  #126  
Old 06-02-2017, 08:10 PM
SieLynn92 SieLynn92 is offline
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  #127  
Old 06-18-2017, 01:13 PM
HisHarleyQ HisHarleyQ is offline
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Mine's been in for almost two weeks now, in jail. This is my first time dealing with something like this - ever.

Let me say first off, glad to know other people plan things with their S/Os while they're in the slammer, because I thought I was crazy for it. We're engaged, and I'm planning our wedding now. It won't be for another year probably, he's excited to get out and get us rings, and get back to work and just go back to living as normal a life he can with what's going on.

After having my first visits taken, I started writing, like a lot of the ladies said throughout the day sometimes. Sometimes at the end of the day. Just depends. I usually will put a few days worth of letters into one envelope, I write each day, so if it's a day like Sunday when mail doesn't run, it's still waiting to be sent off. Or so they don't all go at once. I want us to talk about the letters at our visits, esp. since I did a hold mail request at the post office.

I'm not putting my life on hold while he's in, honestly, him being in has reminded me that I do need to remember to do things on my own, regardless of if I've got MI or not. (BPD, MMD, GAD.) I need to take care of myself, do what I can to take care of him while he's inside (i.e. talk to bail bondsman, lawyers, etc. things I can control/do). i'm looking for a job while he's in, too and I've not worked in awhile. But my income will be the only one when he's out at least for a few weeks. I'm trying to find us a stable place to live, like an apt or rental house.

I've began to think of my visits like dates, I shower, "do" my hair (which means brush it for me, cause I have a bad habit of tossing it up into a messy bun and not doing shit with it...LOL oops.) brushing my teeth (I got into the bad habit of not doing that again, it's probably because I'm not no my meds.) And taking my meds. He's been ON ME about taking my meds, he asks if I've been taking them when we have phone time. I forget a lot, or think I didn't take them, and take them twice. I need to learn to take better care of myself But it's a bad habit. I'll get good for awhile, and then stop.... When I thought I was gonna get to see him I did all these things. I painted my nails the other night and binged watched Legally Blonde (never seen the movies) and one of my favorite shows, Superstore on Hulu. I'm gonna do my toes today maybe. I felt like pampering myself, keeping my self in good spirits.

We've never really been apart, and I'm beginning to realize I took the time we always had before for granted....I should know better. I lost my grandma last year in Sept. she taught me to live each day like it's your last and fuck what others gotta say about it, as long as you're happy!

I thought about going back to the gym. I've got this little idea of getting my hair done, maybe losing some weight, getting into a better look...to surprise him but also for me. I've always complained about my weight, etc never did much for it. He tells me he likes me as I am, but if it bothers me, to fix it. But to do it for me, not for him cause he'll always love me.

So I don't know, he seemed proud of me for looking for a job again. It makes me excited knowing I make him happy, even by little things. He was all excited to hear about his father's day card too.... *sigh*

Honestly, i'm trying to look at the good of the situation. And I'm proud of myself for picking myself up off the floor - sorta - and looking for a job. Waiting to hear back from this hotel this week, fingers crossed. If it's a no go i'll keep looking! It's just my SSI ain't enough.

He's got me to look forward to seeing, holding, etc. (I know we're both sexually frustrated...) He's got the wedding to look forward to, seeing his kid, and having "his life" back. We're very simple people...so.
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  #128  
Old 06-18-2017, 01:14 PM
HisHarleyQ HisHarleyQ is offline
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I hope my response helped, I know I explained MY situation, but maybe it gave some ideas?
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  #129  
Old 07-20-2017, 05:41 PM
Abby1234 Abby1234 is offline
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Originally Posted by HisHarleyQ View Post
Mine's been in for almost two weeks now, in jail. This is my first time dealing with something like this - ever.

Let me say first off, glad to know other people plan things with their S/Os while they're in the slammer, because I thought I was crazy for it. We're engaged, and I'm planning our wedding now. It won't be for another year probably, he's excited to get out and get us rings, and get back to work and just go back to living as normal a life he can with what's going on.

After having my first visits taken, I started writing, like a lot of the ladies said throughout the day sometimes. Sometimes at the end of the day. Just depends. I usually will put a few days worth of letters into one envelope, I write each day, so if it's a day like Sunday when mail doesn't run, it's still waiting to be sent off. Or so they don't all go at once. I want us to talk about the letters at our visits, esp. since I did a hold mail request at the post office.

I'm not putting my life on hold while he's in, honestly, him being in has reminded me that I do need to remember to do things on my own, regardless of if I've got MI or not. (BPD, MMD, GAD.) I need to take care of myself, do what I can to take care of him while he's inside (i.e. talk to bail bondsman, lawyers, etc. things I can control/do). i'm looking for a job while he's in, too and I've not worked in awhile. But my income will be the only one when he's out at least for a few weeks. I'm trying to find us a stable place to live, like an apt or rental house.

I've began to think of my visits like dates, I shower, "do" my hair (which means brush it for me, cause I have a bad habit of tossing it up into a messy bun and not doing shit with it...LOL oops.) brushing my teeth (I got into the bad habit of not doing that again, it's probably because I'm not no my meds.) And taking my meds. He's been ON ME about taking my meds, he asks if I've been taking them when we have phone time. I forget a lot, or think I didn't take them, and take them twice. I need to learn to take better care of myself But it's a bad habit. I'll get good for awhile, and then stop.... When I thought I was gonna get to see him I did all these things. I painted my nails the other night and binged watched Legally Blonde (never seen the movies) and one of my favorite shows, Superstore on Hulu. I'm gonna do my toes today maybe. I felt like pampering myself, keeping my self in good spirits.

We've never really been apart, and I'm beginning to realize I took the time we always had before for granted....I should know better. I lost my grandma last year in Sept. she taught me to live each day like it's your last and fuck what others gotta say about it, as long as you're happy!

I thought about going back to the gym. I've got this little idea of getting my hair done, maybe losing some weight, getting into a better look...to surprise him but also for me. I've always complained about my weight, etc never did much for it. He tells me he likes me as I am, but if it bothers me, to fix it. But to do it for me, not for him cause he'll always love me.

So I don't know, he seemed proud of me for looking for a job again. It makes me excited knowing I make him happy, even by little things. He was all excited to hear about his father's day card too.... *sigh*

Honestly, i'm trying to look at the good of the situation. And I'm proud of myself for picking myself up off the floor - sorta - and looking for a job. Waiting to hear back from this hotel this week, fingers crossed. If it's a no go i'll keep looking! It's just my SSI ain't enough.

He's got me to look forward to seeing, holding, etc. (I know we're both sexually frustrated...) He's got the wedding to look forward to, seeing his kid, and having "his life" back. We're very simple people...so.
I love this! Thanks for sharing . It sounds simialir to my experience. My boyfriend has been in for 5 months, my first time experiencing anything like this. We have never been apart and were very co dependent before he went in. Its been a very difficult process but I have realized that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined and I have been focusing on myself, and doing things for me! I miss him every minute of the day but I have continued on with my life and I am trying to take as many lessons as I can from this. One of them being not to ever take our time for granted again as well! Be proud of yourself
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  #130  
Old 07-27-2017, 06:03 AM
futuremrsclarke futuremrsclarke is offline
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give them time to adjust dont just assume they are gonna wamt to do anything as soon as they get out.... oh also if your love one wants to be connected to your hip then let them lol
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  #131  
Old 08-06-2017, 04:29 PM
Love4rob Love4rob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheryl P. View Post
Patty,this is very true.
Perhaps someone can make t-shirts with PTO "truisums" such as this and nobody can come between you and your man,except you and your man
Can he still order commissary or is it restricted can I send him books n magazines
Can he order a radio..I know nothing he is at victorville in Cali please help
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  #132  
Old 08-06-2017, 11:47 PM
Hurley123 Hurley123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silenus View Post
This a great thread. Especially for those having a hard time and need something to look forward to or focus on.
I'm sure a million times in this thread: communication. Not just share your joy, worries, fears, news or life - communication is a solid foundation. It's only been 6 months but we would have not made it through without simple communication. Letting each other be heard whether it's good, bad or sad. Right now letters are all we have. We make the best of it by sending them often.

Specific tips for those that deal with mental illness
(although good for everyone in general):
*Take care of yourself. Stand up and make the bed. Shower. Brush your teeth. Sleep enough. Eat regular and try and stay away from fast food. Even if you only do those things for the day that's ok.

*Take your meds as scheduled if you're on them. If they aren't working well tell your doctor right away. They may need to adjust them or switch you to something else.

*Avoid isolating yourself. Call a friend or loved one and/or see them.

*If you're having suicidal thoughts please call a safe person or national suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255

*Clean up your surroundings. Seeing less mess will help clear your mind. Start with a small area such as putting away the dishes. If you can do more, then do more. If you can't do it later.

*Stay away from drugs and excessive drinking. It will truly only make you feel worse after the effect is gone.

*Just be outside for a little bit and breathe even if it's only 10min.

*If you have an episode of any kind: recognize it, write it down if needed, accept that it's happening, practice self-care and know it will pass. See your doctor if it's especially bad.

*Take time to get to know what your triggers are and healthy coping mechanisms.

*Do something anything that makes you feel good. It doesn't have to cost anything or cost a lot. It doesn't have to take up a lot of time either. Do it and do it for you only. ex: I started a skincare routine and takes 15min. Once in the day and once again at night.

*If you gotta cry - cry. Let that out and forgive yourself. Know you're doing your best and that's good enough.
@ Silenus...Great Advice!!!!! there are only a few things I would add...
@ HarleyQ...If you are having difficulty remembering to take your medication there are pill reminder boxes you can get. You can even ask your pharmacy to give you your medication in them...they are Sunday-Saturday, marked so you know if you've taken your meds on any specific day.

and next, if you are on SSI you can look to your local county resources to see what is offered in the form of mental health and housing assistance. There are many programs out there to assist if you but ask.

Best of luck to you, I wish you continued success in learning self care. Remember, Be kind to yourself, remember, your the only one on your learning curve..baby steps, are steps forward!

Last edited by Hurley123; 08-06-2017 at 11:49 PM.. Reason: grammer
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  #133  
Old 08-07-2017, 06:37 AM
rnsgaig rnsgaig is offline
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More of a practical tip for outmates. I just bought 100 forever stamps on ebay for $31.00. Some people have more stamps than cash and sell them below face value.
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  #134  
Old 08-07-2017, 07:44 PM
nikole387 nikole387 is offline
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Originally Posted by Abby1234 View Post
I love this! Thanks for sharing . It sounds simialir to my experience. My boyfriend has been in for 5 months, my first time experiencing anything like this. We have never been apart and were very co dependent before he went in. Its been a very difficult process but I have realized that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined and I have been focusing on myself, and doing things for me! I miss him every minute of the day but I have continued on with my life and I am trying to take as many lessons as I can from this. One of them being not to ever take our time for granted again as well! Be proud of yourself
I'm with you ladies on this being a first time experience. Mine has been in since June 22nd and we had never really dealt with this sort of situation except last year he was in county jail for a month and I thought that was the hardest thing I had to deal with. He was facing possible 8 years prison time but we got lucky and he only got 3 years probation, unfortunately a year down the road we hit a snag and a complication and they revoked his probation and is now sentenced to 46 months.. Or just shy of 4 years.. I have been so sad and so unable to fathom being without him for the next couple of years, especially considering we were trying to have a baby before this all happened, and now all of that is on pause.. I'm doing my very best to focus on me and fix my life so that he has a concrete home situation and a great life to come home to so we can resume our life and start a family. The unknown of how the next couple of years are going to be scare me, and I worry we will drift apart. But I have to learn to focus on the now and the love we have and have faith that this will only make us stronger..I'm so glad to read that there are other ladies out there who I can relate to and look to for positive reinforcement when there are days that I cant find it in myself! Thank you to you all! We will make it through the worst times to get to the best times of our lives!
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  #135  
Old 08-09-2017, 12:01 PM
MetalChick0731 MetalChick0731 is offline
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For us, it has been finding unique ways to include him in my everyday life. In April, Virginia DOC changed their mail rules to where now anything you send is photocopied - up to 3 pages including a copy of the envelope - and the originals are shredded which means that any photos that I send through the mail get to him as black and white on regular paper so to navigate this, once every couple of months or so, I go to whichever online photo site has a great coupon and make him a photo book as a timeline of places I've been and things I've seen. Not only does he get the book as property so it is in color when he gets it but he can also cut the photos out of the book and keep them when he starts to get close to his max number of books. He mentions pretty often how much it means to him that I put so much effort into making him feel included in the outside world. The little things to us tend to be a really huge deal for them. He's been in 17 years of a 70 year sentence...was 24 when he went in and 41 now, so technology absolutely astounds him. I made this for him today and took a picture so he could get it in color through JPay message. I snipped a map of our locations and cut them in half to make the heart. Yeah, yeah....I'm corny but he loves me. :-) We always speak of the future and plans we've made as if they there isn't a doubt that they are going to happen.
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  #136  
Old 08-10-2017, 05:04 PM
Curt'swife8 Curt'swife8 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MetalChick0731 View Post
For us, it has been finding unique ways to include him in my everyday life. The little things to us tend to be a really huge deal for them. He's been in 17 years of a 70 year sentence...was 24 when he went in and 41 now, so technology absolutely astounds him...We always speak of the future and plans we've made as if they there isn't a doubt that they are going to happen.
I have not ventured into book making like you, but I absolutely include him with everyday dealings and happenings! I, also, make sure he is included in all decision making! People always want to complain about men acting like boys (e.g., no solid job, no car, playing video games, not being responsible, etc.), but who makes them that way? Who accepts that behavior?

Men were created to be protectors and providers. They were supposed to lead the home. I, absolutely, KNOW that women are capable and can do everything, but we shouldn't do everything! When men are capable, we should expect capable and accept nothing less. We should cherish them as leaders and guide them in leading the family the right way. We should make them feel proud as a provider and strong as a protector. Eventually, they will own it!

As for handling things as an outmate, I take care of me! I take pride in my work and I keep busy! I also make sure we are working as a team to nurture our relationship. Communication is SOOOOOOOOO important!!!! I, actually, feel like that is something incarcerated couples should be able to do better than couples who are so distracted by everyday life/responsibilities! How many couples typically sit across from their loved one for almost 7 hours and dialogue?
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  #137  
Old 09-22-2017, 10:39 PM
Hurley123 Hurley123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MetalChick0731 View Post
For us, it has been finding unique ways to include him in my everyday life. In April, Virginia DOC changed their mail rules to where now anything you send is photocopied - up to 3 pages including a copy of the envelope - and the originals are shredded which means that any photos that I send through the mail get to him as black and white on regular paper so to navigate this, once every couple of months or so, I go to whichever online photo site has a great coupon and make him a photo book as a timeline of places I've been and things I've seen. Not only does he get the book as property so it is in color when he gets it but he can also cut the photos out of the book and keep them when he starts to get close to his max number of books. He mentions pretty often how much it means to him that I put so much effort into making him feel included in the outside world. The little things to us tend to be a really huge deal for them. He's been in 17 years of a 70 year sentence...was 24 when he went in and 41 now, so technology absolutely astounds him. I made this for him today and took a picture so he could get it in color through JPay message. I snipped a map of our locations and cut them in half to make the heart. Yeah, yeah....I'm corny but he loves me. :-) We always speak of the future and plans we've made as if they there isn't a doubt that they are going to happen.
Wow that's a beautiful poem!
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  #138  
Old 10-13-2017, 04:15 PM
FAIRYTALELOVE FAIRYTALELOVE is offline
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Have you used chatbooks? I send them to my husband all the time!
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  #139  
Old 11-03-2017, 03:20 AM
BlackOutMemo BlackOutMemo is offline
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More of a practical tip for outmates. I just bought 100 forever stamps on ebay for $31.00. Some people have more stamps than cash and sell them below face value.
Thank you!
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  #140  
Old 11-18-2017, 02:46 AM
Long shark Long shark is offline
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I agree it hits me most at night but at the end of the day I know we will one day be together physically and the loneliness will be gone and we will be stronger than ever!
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