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  #26  
Old 03-29-2019, 06:03 AM
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I was once in love with a man who managed to spend more than a few nights in jail. I was so relieved when he didn't end up in prison.

Then he tried to kill me. Had my reflexes been slower, he probably would have succeeded.

This is why people keep telling you that it's not a good idea for you to visit. The law and the heart and the mind are rarely all on the same page.
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Old 03-29-2019, 08:29 AM
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The worst that can happen in jail is that he actually goes to your visit and they bust him for violating a criminal restraining order, resulting in more charges.
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Old 03-29-2019, 09:14 AM
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I dont know for sure, but you said YOU were not told by someone on your team about a restraining order.
Guessing HIS did. He would be aware of it. He's the one who should be staying away from you.


Even if you do manage to get a visit, and he accepts the visit eventually the jail will be told about your visiting him. Then the next time you go you could be turned away.


I dont see any harm in trying to drop off his reading glasses. Not sure if they will accept them or not. Sort of depends on the glasses frames.


I really wish you would listen to those who have been on the same path as you.
At least take what they are saying into account. It feels like you are ignoring everything they are telling you.
Im sure at some point in their relationship with someone who is abusive they thought alot of the same things you do.
Like they are broken
Love will help him
If I do better so will he
If I do this, he will love me and then he will be better or dont do that and he wont *snap*
etc


If you have not read thru this forum, please do so again. I dont think very many of the stories come out with a *happy ending*
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  #29  
Old 03-29-2019, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I dont know for sure, but you said YOU were not told by someone on your team about a restraining order.
Guessing HIS did. He would be aware of it. He's the one who should be staying away from you.


Even if you do manage to get a visit, and he accepts the visit eventually the jail will be told about your visiting him. Then the next time you go you could be turned away.


I dont see any harm in trying to drop off his reading glasses. Not sure if they will accept them or not. Sort of depends on the glasses frames.


I really wish you would listen to those who have been on the same path as you.
At least take what they are saying into account. It feels like you are ignoring everything they are telling you.
Im sure at some point in their relationship with someone who is abusive they thought alot of the same things you do.
Like they are broken
Love will help him
If I do better so will he
If I do this, he will love me and then he will be better or dont do that and he wont *snap*
etc


If you have not read thru this forum, please do so again. I dont think very many of the stories come out with a *happy ending*
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So on the day of my boyfriends arraignment, I told my DA that it was fine they placed a temporary restraining order against my boyfriend until the Prelim. Well the judge (against my consent) went ahead and put a 3 year Permanent Restraining Order against my boyfriend. I was never given any copies of said restraining order so I have no idea what I can/cannot do or what he can/cannot do...etc
She is trying to find a technicality that will allow her to see her abuser without consequences for either of them.

OP: good DV counseling will tell you when you are ready to have any contact with him. That counelor will make sure it would be a healthy thing by conferring with HIS psychologist to make sure that such contact will be in his best interests as well. Then both counselors can join in a petition to modify the protective order.

You need to let your counselor actually help you.
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  #30  
Old 03-30-2019, 11:39 AM
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Your ďtherapyĒ... I would bet my next paycheck itís not a domestic abuse specialist or even a person qualified for the situation. The focus on ďself careĒ sounds like the ďessential oilsĒ version of therapy. Combine that with your ďlegal teamĒ that doesnít know how restraining orders work and I have to question your methods of assembling your entourage.

You need real counseling. An actual licensed person with a degree and experience with intimate partner abuse.

You also need real legal advice from someone familiar with restraining orders (hint hint- an actual attorney familiar with California restraining orders posted several times on your thread) so you donít end up watching him get busted for a violation right before your eyes.
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  #31  
Old 04-04-2019, 06:13 PM
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This is going to sound really harsh and I’m seriously not trying to be mean.

He doesn’t love you and he has zero respect for you- it’s not because he has “demons” that you can love away; it’s the fact you mean nothing to him, you’re nothing more than a means to an end- whether it’s money, sex, attention etc, he’s getting something from you and it’s not love that he’s after- no matter what he says.
He abused you enough to be put in prison- he treated you like less than an animal—
do you see him attacking and abusing animals?

If yes- then he’s pure evil.
If no, then he has more respect for animals than he does you.

Also, these guys lose even more respect for you when you keep going back to them after they do this; you become even lower than dirt in their eyes because you have zero self respect- you’re probably thinking he’ll be grateful that someone loves him as much as you do and you stay with him despite everything—- no, what he’s thinking is “ I can do whatever I want to this dumb bitch and she STILL keeps coming back for more”
That’s why the abuse ALWAYS gets worse- they know you’ll come crawling back each time.
In fact, he’s probably disgusted with the fact that you come back after what he’s done.

These guys do not change- and if he needs reading glasses, his family can get him some.

I’m not trying to be mean, and I know how you feel because Ive been in a dv relationship.
It was hard for me to accept that this was the reality of what they think— I know you think yours is different, we ALL thought ours was different and our relationship was different and more complex and nuanced than the other dv relationships.
It’s not- this is how it is, this is the ugly truth of it.
Read the book “ why does he do that” as soon as you can.

Good luck out there xo
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  #32  
Old 07-15-2019, 08:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
What is the harm?

So, you want to contact him and he wants to contact you pretrial. Cool! He can convince you to change your story and maybe even not show up for trial so that your ass can wind up in prison for violating a subpoena. This will be his misguided effort to get to walk - you do a little time, and because you don,t show up, he thinks he can skate. Reality, they don,t need you to convict as they have police testimony, medical testimony, neighbor testimony and anything else they can come up with. They are used to abusers manipulating their victims in hopes of getting off. It doesn’t work. But, hey, you want to communicate with him and you think it is unfair that you are being treated by the courts just like every other victim. You are the exception, so it is just so unfair!

Then you want to contact him in prison once he is sentenced. You don,t want to do therapy, Don,t want to let him do his therapy and classes - you just want to talk with him because you miss him so. And I bet you think that he can live with you, parole out to you when he is done. That is a fantasy.

He needs to do his therapy and his classes. He can't do that effectively with you communicating with him because you miss him and think that this is just so unfair. You need to do your therapy and not communicate with him so that it is effective. they know that if you communicate during therapy, he will undermine that therapy, and his habit of manipulating you will undermine his therapy. I really don't care if you don,t think that he manipulates you or not - that is the case in 99% of these cases and you are stuck.

You both have to do your work. Once you have actual professsionals saying that contact between you, through an intermediary, in couples therapy is a good idea, then you can petition to modify the protective order. Until then, you are stuck. You can moan about the whole thing or you can do your therapy so that when he is off parole you can petition to modify.

Just an FYI, those 3 years are tolled while he is in jail or prison. One of his conditions of probation will be no contact with his victim. While in jail awaiting sentencing, contact with you will lead to another charge - witness tampering. Contact through his father just makes him an accessory to witness tampering, giving him a nice record and a stay in jail.

You don't think it is fair - fine. Now do the work necessary to get to the point where a court will actually listen to you as somebody other than your standard, every day, run of the mill domestic violence victim crying about how unfair it is that she (or he) cannot get their fix of manipulation, gaslighting, psychological abuse.

Blunt, but I am in a blunt mood when it comes to this sort of thing today. Today I got to see another attorney hit with a baseball bat trying to protect his client from her abusive partner. In the parking lot. At the courthouse. Asshat abuser decided to try to brain his victim and her attorney decided to get in the way instead of just letting it happen.

This is not the first time any of us have experienced stuff like this. Personally, I am glad that this time it was just a baseball bat (Paul isn't, but he is in the hospital having surgery on his arm) and not a gun.
This is the best hard hitting advice I have ever read and has helped me with making up my mind about continuing contact with my partner in prison for domestic violence against me. We also had a protective order 5yrs one !! But for 2 years we breached the order by phone contact. (sentenced to 3 1/2 years)

Recently he was approved for parole as long as he did a prison course on his DV issues and then a 3mth rehab on the outside to follow that up. We were caught by the correctional facility three weeks before he was due to be released, so he was breached and they cancelled his parole. He now has to reapply which will take him 6-8 months.

The same week the prison breached him I received a call from a domestic violence counselling service who told me they had been contacted by the correctional centre (unbeknownst to me, they apparently inform partners) because he was due to be released soon on parole and this was a courtesy call to see how I was emotionally and how I felt about his impending release.

It has taken 6 weeks to trust this counselling service and for me to open up about my partners phone calls over the 2years and how I feel about his release (that is no longer happening now anyway). So the prison has done me a huge favour by contacting counselling for me.

I now know that I need counselling big time and also need to stay NO CONTACT until I am better and clearer in my head. I wonder if he was manipulating me the whole time so really don't know if he meant any of the beautiful stuff. The toxic fog is slowly lifting. I did keep money on his books and would of had him live with me upon release, but hey not just yet. Things happen for a reason. I've been given a life line, a reprieve of silence from him.

So to ensure the toxic fog continues to lift I'm off to the French Riviera and Spain, London and Ireland. And I have to give a huge THANK YOU to "yourself" for this so on point advice and cementing the idea in my head that I'm doing the right thing.

BON VOYAGE

Last edited by kleesi73; 07-15-2019 at 08:29 PM..
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  #33  
Old 07-16-2019, 12:09 AM
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Ignoring something does not resolve it. You have blatantly ignored multiple responses regarding your questions as well as red flags in your relationship. This is something that could cost you your life. Not right this second but it the long run.

Like YOURSELF stated, you can be in love with someone and know that they are not healthy or good for you. You can make that decision because you love yourself and respect yourself.

No one here can tell you if there's a restraining order. Talk to your legal team or contact the district or county you believe it to be in and the court system should be able to tell you if there is one on file. Do not just assume that a temporary restraining order was lifted, especially if he has not been sentenced.

Give the glasses to his family. You have not shared what happened but it sounds like it was tragic and painful. Process these feelings in therapy. Share with the therapist what you experienced and ask for the tools to effectively heal through this. It's not an easy road and there is no negativity here. We are in this forum because we ourselves have personally experienced DV or know of other's who have. Just because someone sheds the truth does not make it negative. You the listener/reader have deemed the information as such because you are having difficulty facing the reality of the situation. This is a serious situation. Partners that love one another do not harm each other.

You stated that he has his demons....you mean we all have baggage and only you can set the standard for how you are treated. Demons wouldn't be the way I would want to describe any partners behavior or baggage..it says the world. You will do what you want. So I'm surprised you even brought this up in a forum..because it seems you have already made up your mind. You will do what you want and you will continue to have the same results. I hope things go well for you and that you one day choose to open your eyes and see what is right in front of you.
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  #34  
Old 08-13-2019, 11:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mickys_girl888 View Post
Ya. Iíve tried to make it known to my detective on my case, that Iím not interested in a restraining order once heís sentenced. But no one returns my calls. So I mean, I might just violate it once the prelim is done. I have no idea what the rules are?
I don't know how exactly it works I n.v california. But in Colorado a mandatory order of protection only works one way. It prohibits the who is restrained. Meaning that you can contact him and ask whatever you want about him. However he can not do the same for you. He is not allowed to contact or ask about you to 3rd parties. Because he is restrained from doing so.... if he is caught with your or asking about you then he can be charged for violating an order of protection. It could be different in california. It also depends on what the judge actually ordered. For instance when my husband got and order put on him for the victim in his case. The judge checked everything. Do no consumption of alcohol. Do not intimidate or harrasse, do don't be within 100 yards of that person at anytime. No having weapons... and so on...

The judge does not have to have them all checked though. And in court you can ask to have the order amended. It's better to just do that then to have him violate because they can hit him with more charges.
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Old 08-14-2019, 07:25 AM
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Girl you gotta do what feels best for you I no all about domestic violence if you love him like you say you do then that's all that matters no body is perfect on no level and you can't just turn your feelings off for him I live in nys and I actually wrote the judge myself to have him put norder on there wasn't sure what he was going to do the DA wanted one when we went to court there was no order the DA didn't even no I was going to write him like I said do what you feel is right no body knows what really happened but you and him good luck with your situation
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Old 08-14-2019, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Mickys_girl888 View Post
Iím sorry if Iím upsetting anyone. I know not everyone is going to understand my way of thinking. (Believe me, Iíve lost friends and family over it)
But in therapy I learned about self care and anything negative towards our relationship, Iím just choosing to block out of my life for my own healing and it has made me feel better. I canít handle anymore negativity.

So seeing him is something I also think will help with my healing, and the fact the jail didnít deny my scheduled visit, should mean I have the green light, right?

Iím so new to all of this. Iíve never been to a jail to visit someone. Iím just looking to see if thereís no restraining order, then legally I should be ok?

Plus he has reading glasses Iím going to drop off. Theyíll have to go through inspection. But everyone deserves the right to be able to see/read. So I figured Iíd try and schedule a visit. Them turning me away would be the worst that would happen, right? (if the restraining order ends up being true. Itís just weird because Iíve never been told about it by my team) And worse case, if I canít see him, then at least I can drop off his glasses. Iím really the only person able to do this. None of his family lives in the same state.

I just want to make sure it will be fine, and I promise Iíll stop posting in this forum, since Iím really upsetting everyone. Which I donít think I can take any more of either. Iím truly sorry. I think this experience is something I just need to live and learn for myself. Iím not ready to throw in the towel. Iím sorry.
My husband an I had a domestic violence issue many years ago. He did 2 years of counseling and classes before I allowed him back in my home and life. I always went to counseling for several months and the top 3 things I learned and where secure in befor I allowed him back in my life where this.
1. It was not my fault, no matter what I said he made the choice to hurt me. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. if he ever implies it was he has not changed.
2. It is NOT NORMAL... NOT EVRRYONE HURTS THE G/F B/F WIFE OR HUSBAND. if you believe it's normal you are not ready to return to the relationship...
3. If it is a codependent relationship it's not the relationship you need. The only person you need is you. If you feel you need that person... it's not a constructive relationship. You should want your partner not need them...

Your not ready to walk away and that's your right. However I hope you do seek out counseling. Take this time apart to work on you learn what you can so you can be your person... lifes hard and at time lonely
But if you do your best, the universe will do the rest. You should be with a man only because you want to be not because you feel you need that person.
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Old 08-14-2019, 11:26 PM
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Originally Posted by ambermarshall11 View Post
Girl you gotta do what feels best for you I no all about domestic violence if you love him like you say you do then that's all that matters no body is perfect on no level and you can't just turn your feelings off for him I live in nys and I actually wrote the judge myself to have him put norder on there wasn't sure what he was going to do the DA wanted one when we went to court there was no order the DA didn't even no I was going to write him like I said do what you feel is right no body knows what really happened but you and him good luck with your situation
You can,t just turn your feelings off, true, but feelings are just feelings. You do not have to act on them. If you lack the impulse control to refrain from interacting with somebody because he is bad for you, hurts you, could kill you next time, then you need serious help.

It is really simple - an emotion or a feeling does not require action. You should do what is best for you and for him, especially if you feel you love him. This means staying away from him, getting into DV counseling, and not getting involved with him until he is off paper and has completed therapy and your therapist and his think that interacting is a good idea.

If you love somebody who is going to beat you up, love them enough to leave so that they don't pull more charges. Love yourself enough to leave so that you stay alive. Love yourself enough to get help. Act in your best interests and his.
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