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  #76  
Old 03-03-2009, 03:27 PM
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It was a year ago, Dec 21st, that my ex of 33 yrs came back into my life...I was just getting over a radical hyterectomy, due to cervical cancer....A complication of anesthesia had left me in an abyss...another world...of which I was trying to get out...it lasted 4 months

He came to Ok from California and I thought it was a sign from God !!! the 2 weeks he was here were so crazy...I was still "crazy"...and he was completely NUTS...never sat still...wandering around day and night...hmmmmm

Well he had to go back to CA to report to his parole officer Dec 27th...got violated for dinking in a public park....sent to DVI, then to CRC and ended at CIM....

I wrote everyday and so did he...proffessing the lost love...wanting to make it all up to me and the grown children...........

It didn't happen...he got out April 23 of 08...he is still in CA...I know he will never return...I have my mind back

He left a back pack...I never looked in it...finally the beginning of the week I did....mind you, my daughter flew him here when he called...he came only with a backpack..

Now in this backpack...which was very heavy...were all kinds of tools...knives....(don't think they would have let him on the plane with these ....collectors coin sets...old baseball cards "really old"...things you would never think of...again, hmmmm

All the nights of wandering the streets all hours...cars and pickups unlocked??? I am sure it was all stolen...took it to the police dept this am...told them I found it in the alley by my garbage can

Came home...(still quite chilly here in OK)...made a nice fire in the fire place...and burnt all the letters...I kept rereading and torchering myself with ...knowing now, I will be ok...there is nothing left of him here...

I will always love the nut...he is the father of my children...but, I can do without him...I am growing one day at a time........

To think back...when I really wasn't thinking clearly in my brain....Lebeau saved me one night...looking at a bottle of pills...

I was going to take my life...my beautiful, wonderful life, the lord gave me...to leave my children..my grandchildren...for someone I had left, in fear for our lives....33yrs ago

I am finally whole again...it's been a tough road...I could never have made it without the love and support of my family, and friends here at PTO.....THANK YOU...FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART




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  #77  
Old 03-03-2009, 03:37 PM
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No, Darling, you saved yourself, I just happened to be handy.... if you had not shouted for help, I'd have never known to throw you a rope.... YOU saved yourself by letting someone else (anyone else) know you were on the ledge. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for being, My Friend. I'm proud to have been able to hold your hand during that dark moment but I couldn't have done so if you had not held yours out.

I am wonderfully happy to hear that you've chosen a path with more peace and less trauma and you'll find all sorts of lovely surprises along the way.
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  #78  
Old 03-03-2009, 03:43 PM
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Still, you will always have a special place in my heart Lebeau...you are gift to many...and a help to all...I will continue to climb the rope you threw out, till I reach the fullness of my life
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  #79  
Old 03-03-2009, 04:44 PM
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Mosshy...
Quote:
years on it's still "getting me
I know exactly what you mean it will get you until you are completely over it which you can do. The last time it happened for me when I was applying for a job and taking that typing test which was years ago. I started to have panic attack and started to cry thinking that I can not do this and did not get that job back then because of it. When I was in that abusive relationship one of the things he said I was dumb or made me feel that way to control me. Even when I was long gone in that relationship I felt the affects of that (That typing test.) Now it doesn't bother me any more. Like I said it takes a long time to get to this point. Abuse in any form mental and physical it's about Manipulation,Domination and Control to the abuser.

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  #80  
Old 03-04-2009, 02:23 AM
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Originally Posted by LeBeau View Post
Just realized how totally arrogant my post about intelligence sounds- I AM bright, but let me clarify that I do not think that makes me superior to anyone and it's just one strength balanced off by a multitude of flaws
Just want to say that I really don't think that understanding our own intelligence is "arrogant" at all, it's a great thing to know our own strengths and there are just TOO MANY people who are only TOO HAPPY in this world to point out our flaws!!!. Leave it to them, they need it to feel their own brand of "superiority".

We do still Luv ya!

Tonight I am STILL HAPPY........... (I think I'm learning Nim, about taking the little wins!!).
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Old 03-04-2009, 07:54 AM
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Thanks, Free Again- Due to the difficulty of getting a "tone" to come across on a computer screen, I've gotten cyberslapped a few times lately because someone took something I said in a way that I did not mean, so I'm a little paranoid about that right now

The coolest thing happened last night!
My normally wonderful spouse was in a wierd, slightly combative mood and brought up something that he did 5 or so years ago (He gave away two huge chunks of redwood burl that I'd had plans to use) that I've never brought up but he acted like I'd been riding his ass about it through all this time.... I called him on it and there was no fight, no explosion, just "You're right, that was unfair, I guess I just still feel bad about it".

Not so many years ago, I couldn't have possibly just said "That's not fair" and explained my viewpoint... let alone gotten a sane, loving response.

And to cap it off- our tenant/housemate/whatever was in his "I know everything mood" (It could make Ghandi want to slap him silly), so between that and my mate looking for an argument, I wanted nothing to do with either of them and told my husband exactly that and announced that I was going to go read- His answer to that was to kiss me on the forehead and tell me he couldn't blame me for wanting out of the crossfire of the two annoying moods.... I love this sane, honest stuff!
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  #82  
Old 03-04-2009, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by LeBeau View Post
Thanks, Free Again- Due to the difficulty of getting a "tone" to come across on a computer screen, I've gotten cyberslapped a few times lately because someone took something I said in a way that I did not mean, so I'm a little paranoid about that right now

The coolest thing happened last night!
My normally wonderful spouse was in a wierd, slightly combative mood and brought up something that he did 5 or so years ago (He gave away two huge chunks of redwood burl that I'd had plans to use) that I've never brought up but he acted like I'd been riding his ass about it through all this time.... I called him on it and there was no fight, no explosion, just "You're right, that was unfair, I guess I just still feel bad about it".

Not so many years ago, I couldn't have possibly just said "That's not fair" and explained my viewpoint... let alone gotten a sane, loving response.

And to cap it off- our tenant/housemate/whatever was in his "I know everything mood" (It could make Ghandi want to slap him silly), so between that and my mate looking for an argument, I wanted nothing to do with either of them and told my husband exactly that and announced that I was going to go read- His answer to that was to kiss me on the forehead and tell me he couldn't blame me for wanting out of the crossfire of the two annoying moods.... I love this sane, honest stuff!
Thanks LeBeau.... so thats how its supposed to be
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  #83  
Old 03-04-2009, 11:21 AM
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Thanks LeBeau.... so thats how its supposed to be

I dunno- I've had ten years with this man and I'm still startled sometimes that it works like that.... it's a little hard to get used to, all this compassion, respect and honest communication, but it's awfully nice!
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  #84  
Old 03-04-2009, 09:26 PM
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Well, I am having one of THOSE days...... I got EVERYTHING mixed up, drop off times, pick up times, the house is trashed and I have not yet got the shopping done. I'll be buying dinner tonight cos I can't be bothered catching up with the mess round here AND cooking!!!. I don't have to answer to ANYONE for these shortcomings, I'll fix it all when I fix it...... I am STILL HAPPY!!!. MWUAH (((((HUGS)))) ladies......
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Old 03-05-2009, 03:41 PM
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Mooshy has reminded me of some other little things that brighten my day!!!.

I did another little tour of my house and realised how many lovely and delicate little trinkets I have amassed, and many many photo frames I have collected. PLUS they are full of pics of MY family and ALL have the glass covers in them!!!!. This was not possible before, NOT, as most would think, because of my troop of little ones but due to the fact that HE would go straight for my shelves that contained these items when he was annoyed or angry with me and destroy them. Besides which, none of my old frames held photos of my family as I was not supposed to even think about them, after all, THEY were trying to wreck our relationship cos they were ALL JEALOUS!! LMAO!!!!.

( Yes I DO realise that "troop" is the collective for MONKEYs but if you ever saw my babies in full swing, you'd understand..... LOL)

I am STILL HAPPY!!!!!!. (fast becoming a NEW mantra!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!)
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Old 03-06-2009, 01:47 PM
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With Free's help I have had a whole day without plotting and scheming revenge against my ex. I have stopped myself each time and reminded myself that there is no need - I really do have everything she ever wanted. And I still have my integrity.

Today's weather was glorious and I NOTICED it! Walking my son to school there wasn't a cloud in the sky and it actually made me feel good. I had time to appreciate it without all the other crud going round in my head all the time.
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Old 03-06-2009, 02:17 PM
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Excellent!
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Old 03-06-2009, 04:05 PM
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Thats FANTASTIC Mooshy, soon the habit will be broken and you'll have LOTS and LOTS of amazing little things you never noticed before, making you feel light and happy!!!. This is a lesson (AGAIN, NIM, THANK YOU!!!) that took me a fair while to learn, but now I think we're getting it!!!.. If you skim through my old threads I think you'll find it hard to believe that I am the same person, I know I do .

OOOHHH, THIS THREAD IS A GODSEND, AND SO ARE YOU LeBeau!!!!!.
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Old 03-06-2009, 04:21 PM
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Free, I'm gonna check your threads out tomorrow.......thnx.

I'm off to bed now (it's 11.20pm here). The cat always comes and sits on me while I read and my bright spot is that I can enjoy his company because I share a bed with a partner who isn't jealous that the cat likes me best. (Actually, I think she's pleased because he always sneaks back on to my side in the night and leaves me about 3 sq ft to sleep in).
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Old 03-06-2009, 04:44 PM
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HE he, this one sounds like a MIXED blessing LOL.
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Old 03-08-2009, 09:48 AM
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I told my mom about this thread and she thinks we're all brilliant... every one of us... she sends her congratulations to all of us for being able to appreciate the small joys that make for happiness.
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Old 03-08-2009, 11:21 AM
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Another goodie - I get to listen to MY music! Sometimes classical, often American Songbook, folk, but rarely the cheesy oldies bubblegum pop that he loved.
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Old 03-08-2009, 03:43 PM
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I love listening to Classical Music and Opera Music in fact I crew up with the stuff. When I was in my previous relationship I hardly ever listened to it because he liked RNB and that was mostly played in the house. A few years ago I purchased "The most relaxing classical ablbum in the world ever" and it's nice to be able to listen to it now without him being around and having something to say about it.
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:03 PM
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I am finding now that I'm not put off music that I liked because of him anymore, for a looong time I could not listen to the Eagles in particular because HE played it a lot..... It was sad because I liked the Eagles, well now I can listen to them again without the old feelings cropping up..... YAAAAY!!!!
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:29 PM
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How funny- The Eagles were one of the things I "lost" for a long time because one fellow simply did not like their music and another knew that some songs were tied to a guy (My WEHI, actually, but that's irrelevant here) and would throw a jealous fit if I so much as hummed James Dean or One of These Nights
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:46 PM
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Pervasive, isn't it? The effects are all over our maps. Our hair, our thoughts, our likes or dislikes, our clothes, scents, colors, sounds.
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Old 03-08-2009, 09:51 PM
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Yep, Nim, they seem to get us right across the board. I am, however, remembering stuff I LIKE, and I must admit it is a bit of a treat to be regaining a lot of it......
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:17 AM
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Regaining what we lost and finding new things to enjoy are two of the really great things about having taken our lives back!
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Old 03-09-2009, 03:59 PM
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I confess I still can't really remember what I like.........But a bright spot is I'm trying to find out again.
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Old 03-09-2009, 05:00 PM
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Good Morning Everyone, it's a "bright spot" for me to log on and see new posts in this thread!!!! Thanks!!!. I AM STILL HAPPY!!!!!.
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