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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 05-15-2015, 07:47 AM
tinadean70 tinadean70 is offline
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Default Help dealing with my husband's addition

I have been married to my husband for three months now. He was in jail several years ago for a month. In Dec he got caught again and spent two months in jail. He swore up and down things were going to change. We got married, which I am happy about but he was sneaking around his family and started using meth again. I have never used this stuff nor would I because it is screwing up our life. He got sentenced a few days ago for 18 months. I dealt with the short term stays ok and stuck by his side through it all. I want nothing more than him to get off this drug and be the partner I know he can be when he is clean. I feel like his family doesn't care about anything but getting high together, but as soon as he goes to jail they are not there to help at all. I don't know what to do I feel so lost and cheated right now. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. Please help
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Old 05-15-2015, 08:38 AM
Straight Straight is offline
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You have some harsh realities to face.

Only he can get himself clean, and there is no indication that he wants to do so. Until then, you will be the wife of a meth user who gets linger and longer sentences.

Until he hits rock bottom, and I mean rock bottom, he will continue to use, lie, hide his addiction as best he can, and tell you all the things you want to hear, like he's going to get clean this tom, you are the most important thing in his life, and so on. You'll hear a lot of that over the next 18 months.

Another reality is that he may still be using inside. Whether it's meth, or heroin, or something else, if he wants to use, he will.

Even if he doesn't use inside, he will probably be out for less than 24 hours before he uses again.

You said his family is also is circle of drug buddies. That is not going to help.

Meth is horribly addictive. Once on it, you are never really off. He will have to decide each and every day for the rest of his life to not use it, and he'll have to decide that several times every day.

Hopefully he will be the 1 in a 1,000 that wants to get off the stuff before losing everything he owns to it. It's generally job, money, car, personal belongings, freedom (usually from stealing or worse to support the addiction), house and then family - in that order.

All you can do is tell him you understand a bit about what he's going through and let him know you'll support his efforts to get clean.

You may find yourself with a difficult choice, and as bad as it is, you might as well consider it.

You will have to

Help him get educated regarding the addiction
Help him look for rehab opportunities
Hold him accountable for his actions and his participation in rehab
Decide what your actions will be depending on his attitude and progress

Best of luck.
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Old 05-15-2015, 12:05 PM
ecotime47 ecotime47 is offline
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I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It's just so heartbreaking to see someone you love throw their life away with drugs.

Straight laid things out in a really solid way. It's a lot for you to process and work through. My prayers are with you both.
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Old 05-17-2015, 08:36 PM
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Lordbew/us Lordbew/us is offline
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So, so sorry to hear this! Put on your seat belt and buckle up!!! Get to an N/A group you will need all the support you can get. Also you need to spend this time getting educated don't be a slow learner.
I wish I hadn't been such a slow learner when our son showed signs of alcohol and drug use. I so did not understand addiction, in the beginning, and how VERY progressive it is, how manipulative and persuading they can be.
I truly believe that there were many times when our son was very sincere in wanting to stay clean and he tried. However in the end he just did not have the will power to sustain sobriety.
We lived this life with our youngest son and it was a living hell when he was actively using. Unfortunately we as parents are living an entirely new HELL since he lost his life to drugs a little over a year ago, a day before his 25th birthday.
I can not imagine if our son would have been married, had children etc... this was all so very difficult not just emotionally but financially and so very tragic.
I wish you the very best and my heart goes out to you.
I pray that he can overcome this addiction. This will be a life long battle for him and sadly if you stay with him, yours too and any future children.
One of my son's counselor's who was a recovering addict (has been in recovery for years) told me there is no such thing as recovered, you are always in recovery.

My prayers are with you!
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Old 05-20-2015, 09:07 AM
Taralynn214 Taralynn214 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinadean70 View Post
I have been married to my husband for three months now. He was in jail several years ago for a month. In Dec he got caught again and spent two months in jail. He swore up and down things were going to change. We got married, which I am happy about but he was sneaking around his family and started using meth again. I have never used this stuff nor would I because it is screwing up our life. He got sentenced a few days ago for 18 months. I dealt with the short term stays ok and stuck by his side through it all. I want nothing more than him to get off this drug and be the partner I know he can be when he is clean. I feel like his family doesn't care about anything but getting high together, but as soon as he goes to jail they are not there to help at all. I don't know what to do I feel so lost and cheated right now. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. Please help
there is absolutely positively not one thing that you can say or do that will make someone stop using until they are ready to. I know that it is hard for people especially those that have never faced a substance abuse issue themselves to understand.

Your husband has not only an addiction to the drug but an addiction to the lifestyle that comes with it, you said his family uses as well.

I think that while you are still in the beginning stages that you should sit down and think about how far and how long you are willing to go in this. Write clear boundaries and absolute deal breakers for your marriage and follow them. You would be amazed what people accept and tolerate because they are so worn out from the battle to save their relationship.

I've been on both sides of this fight
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Old 12-03-2015, 06:30 AM
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HisWife401 HisWife401 is offline
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I was married to a man that I had dated when we were very young..(17-18) and his twin sister became my best friend, so even when were stopped dating we always stayed very close.. many years later we got married while he was finishing up a 7 year term for sales.

The first 18 months were great, then he got addicted to heroin -- and would use meth to get clean. (helped with the w/d) I got tired of the constant debt and problems -- other inmates families calling me for money and such. So as much as it hurt, I truly loved him, always had -- I had to let go.

I kept sending packages, made sure he had money on his books and spoke with him on occasion and could tell he was still using. I refused to pay any debt and went on with my life.

His last year in was a rough one for both of us - and I kept him on my insurance at work and had told him about a month before he got home that if he went to rehab he still had a home to come too. His response was "I got this on the outside"

he never cleaned up and I didn't speak to him when he was released- and he died of an overdose in a hotel room 11 days after he was released.

We cannot fix people, we cannot make them stop using drugs no matter how well we love them. What we can do is be true to ourselves and hope that they hand over thier addictions to a higher power and desire change for themselves.


I am now remarried and last year my husband got a DUI and recieved a 5 year term (accident with injury). He knows if he heads in the same direction (he is a recovered addict) that I will not tolerate it, I will not leave him, but I will not be there to fix his problems - and he will have to seek help before he comes home as I am not even remotely able to handle that again...

Almost a year in and so far so good!!!
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