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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #26  
Old 05-22-2008, 09:06 AM
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I too, am naive about drugs. I love my husband --the sober normal part of him. But he loves drugs. He has been off and on. He told me to quit sending him letters about how he can go to rehab when he gets out of prison. He said rehab won't work if he doesn't want to give up drugs. I need counseling. He is a morphine addict. Will Al-Anon help me? I live in a small town and I dont' know what to do to keep my sanity! Please help!!!!
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  #27  
Old 05-30-2008, 10:37 PM
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Talking UPDATE Big TIME~~

Ok everyone, here is my June update already....
My husbands last living brother whom was 49 would have been 50 in Oct got killed in a car accident in May I went to the mission got my husband rounded up stepson and we took off for Oklahoma!!
My husband had 3 brothers not one of them: have yet to live to make 50.
He is the last!!
He is CLEAN~~~ He is going to AA and has a AWESOME Sponsor!!!
I drug test him all the time and he passes and doesn't even get mad at me for testing him.
His sponsor has him working the steps with him every single day all day.
I took him back and I'm in Al-Anon. Its been a life saver for me as AA is for Tony!!
I can't change him and I can't fix him but I can LOVE him and myself!!

Thank- You PTO for everything ya'll have done for me and PTO..There were times I didn't think I could make it without you~~

Love you all and you will all hold a special place in my heart forever!!

Renee
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  #28  
Old 05-31-2008, 02:35 AM
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Yes Al-Anon is a great tool my best freind is an Al-Anon speaker I know you will enjoy it she says "they" give her more support and advice than her or his family.

good luck
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  #29  
Old 06-25-2008, 10:22 AM
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Wow. I was sitting here reading all of your comments and realized that I am in the same boat. My husband too is a crack addict, heroin addict, and an alcoholic all rolled into one. My husband is to be released in January after completing a six month substance abuse program. He says he's tired of getting high (which always seems to be the case after he's incarcerated) but after over 16 years of substance abusing I'm beginning to wonder if this is the case. I firmly believe that being incarcerated does not warrant a person's sobriety, it's only when they are released back into society that you'll be able to see if they're sincere.
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  #30  
Old 07-01-2008, 10:10 AM
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Im not even gonna lie, I fill like im headed for that same rollarcoaster ride again once he is released. I have learned myself being married to my husband that jail/ prison is not rehab!! He gets out and always goes back... Im not sure if I want to have to go back to that myself even though i love him with everything that is in me. I relly dont even know what to say Im just not sure if i will be able to go threw that again.
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  #31  
Old 07-01-2008, 12:26 PM
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so how do you know when enough is enough, not loving him because i still do and always will but i am so tired of the drugs and all the baggage that comes with it, i have never done drugs and i just try to understand all the whys that comes with it yes its like i have read from so many here but is love enough and how do you know when it isn't
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  #32  
Old 08-16-2008, 06:03 PM
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Default My first post here at PTO...

I know that this shouldn't be where I post my very first post here but seems to be the most appropriate for my situation after reading other's post.
My story is similiar to most of you but I would like to share just to get this heat off my chest tonight. Please bare with me here...
Let me start by giving you a timeline...
I am 36 yrs old and my husband is 40 yrs old. We have a 16 yr old son (well he will turn 16 Sept. 5th). When I found out that I was pregnant with him, I married another man to whom I was married to for 15 yrs then divorced last June 12, 2007. I have two daughters with my ex-husband. Melvin, my now husband and I had a three yr relationship before I got pg with our son. To make a long story short on that, we tried for three yrs and never suceeded then I got pg right before I was with my ex for the first time and I thought he was my ex's son. The surprise came later when my son was born and was mixed. My now husband is black and my ex is white. Ok so back on track now...
Melvin got out of prison on Sept. 24, 2008 and I went to the bus station to pick him up. At that point, I knew where my heart had been along. With him. Our love was then rekindled immediately. Only to start the rollar coaster ride that you all are referring to.
We married on March 21, 2008 and had some troubles right off the bat. He was on parole till June 14, 2008 and got into trouble during that time. His parole officer gave him a choice...to go back to prison, half-way house, or do not return to me or be at our address till his parole was up. This started on April 22nd. Yes our one month anniversary he spent the night in jail. Why? Because he has a temper of the devil. Yes he has beat me 4 times now. The last time, I went to the ER for my injuries he put on me. The one comment from people that pisses me off is...you must like having your ass beat. Yeah right, no what it is from me is that I love this man and know that without the drugs and alcohol he is an awesome person. Drugs and Alcohol has been a part of him since before I knew him. They always seem to come back full force after he does so well staying off them. Anyway, he did not come back home till June 23rd, but keeps doing these disappearing acts like he has done again today. I always want to jump the gun and accuse him of another woman, which he has also done in the past. I keep telling him I will never give up on him, but how much do I take of this? My heart is about to be completely. He keeps hurting me knowingly and why I let him do this is beyond me.
Alittle financial history here...
I am a nurse and I pay all the bills, yes mine and his. But just this past week, he actually made me think that things were going to be a little different until he did another disappearing act. I allow him to take me to work and then he goes and visits with some friends(usually kin) but this past Tuesday night, my truck appears with the keys in it. When he does this MIA deal, he will not answer his cell phone (that I pay for). Then when he is ready to appear again, he calls me. No matter how much he denies another woman, I still feel in my heart there is but WITH DRUGS!!! He actually paid for groceries, water bill and gas. But knows my power bill needs paying tomorrow or it will get cut off. (power company here does not allow grace periods) I get paid this Friday and he has to pay his probation officer. Oh I jumped the gun here. He got a DUI last week and spent the night in jail and who got him out. None other than me. Which made me not be able to pay my light bill. Ok so he is now on probation with his car impounded. That is why he uses mine. Now that I have lost track let me gather my thoughts....
Ok so my girls are here this weekend, all is going well. NOT!!! This morning he wanted me to get up at 4am and cook breakfast. That is how he is. He wakes up that early every morning. DRIVES ME INSANE!!! Usually he leaves me alone but not this morning. Pestured me to no end. Well I got up about 8am and cooked eggs, bacon, gravy and biscuits. I fixed his plate first and then the kids. He came into the kitchen and wanted to know why I fixed him a kiddie plate. This was said just because I only fixed him a plate of eggs, bacon, and one biscuit with gravy. I told him there was more if he wanted it. He has been sick and after he eats he throws up as if he has a hiatal hernia or something. This man has lost from 250 down to 214 since being out. This made him angry at me and he threw a fit. So then I go into a rage at him. The girls started calling their dad and telling him to come and get them. They live with him cause of the race issue. Anyway, we continued to argue and he called his uncle and left with him clothes and all. He then told me in a couple of hours, this was at 10:30am and now it is 7pm, that if I wanted him home, to call and come get him. OK......I did and I will let you guess what happened. NO ANSWER TO MY CALLS OR TEXTS! MIA again. I love this man dear to my heart but ladies can you give me some of your two cents worth on what I should do to handle this situation? If you feel you have to be harsh with me, go ahead I am use to it.
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*God is always in control over our lives but we first have to trust in HIM to take over and all Him complete control.

**I will forever love my husband but I refuse to love the addict within him.

***Wife to an addict, mother to three of which the eldest is his son, the other two are daughters from my previous marriage...
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  #33  
Old 08-21-2008, 03:02 PM
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Wife,
I haven't been on PTO much in the last year..My hubby got out June 2007. It's been a NIGHMARE...BUT.....HELP IS OUT THERE!!!
My advise to you...GET TO AL-ANON as FAST as you can!!
Honestly, Al-Anon has saved my life and believe it or not my husbands too.
He is NOW deep into AA and working his steps for the 1st time in his life (47 yrs old) he has completed the 4th and 5th steps.
I haven't been around much like I said but you can PM me anytime you like and I can help you find a meeting close to you!!

May God Bless you and keep you safe!!

Renee
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  #34  
Old 09-10-2008, 01:32 PM
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If I were you, I would cut and paste this into the domestic violence forum. I know you would get a lot of posts from this. I have not ever been in an abusive relationship but I have lived with an addict or two. (one being my ex husband and one being my daughter). And I am here to tell you that men can come and go. They are not worth the trouble if you have to go through what you have been through with yours. A child is a different story in my eyes, I will never give up on her. But I did my ex husband. I got tired of paying all the bills, the disappearing acts, the stealing my car in the middle of the night, and all my possessions pawned. That is not a life honey. Getting out was the best thing I ever did. Just my two cents, spend it wisely.
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  #35  
Old 09-28-2008, 03:35 PM
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What I fine most AMAZING about addicts is their ability to survive. Those of us who are in relationships with them tend to wind up paying all their bills, so they have a lot of expendable cash, when employed - not that an addict can hold a job for long. And why should they bother when we, (by now are expert at the art of contortion) go to the ninth degree in order to keep the peace? Then, when you cut off the cash, car, cell phone ect, they STILL manage to come up with cash - (lying, cheating, thieving) to pay (front) for drugs/alcohol/whatever. Either that or break a few things until we (I) give in and hand over the money just to shut him up. I guess attempting to cut the purse strings gives a false sense of control, for awhile.

Last edited by Said1; 09-28-2008 at 03:36 PM..
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  #36  
Old 09-29-2008, 08:45 AM
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Default its real easy to get inside

I almost compleatly agree I am in love with a crack addict in recovery .He had been in and out of jail for years and continued to use even in jail . So I beleive any clean time is an acompplishment and should not be dismissed as it was just to hard to get

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  #37  
Old 10-28-2008, 08:56 PM
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Thanks you all for the info it really helped me with alot questions i had as well my prayers are will you all.
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  #38  
Old 10-31-2008, 07:50 PM
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My husband was in prison for 3 1/2 yrs I stood by him, FAITHFULLY he was a crack addict too. He told me how he was going to change and he was going to be the best man possible NOT !!! Crack is so powerful, he is currently in jail for stealing 2 cars, larceny, breaking and entering he has a very long rap sheet. I heard all the promises and with 1 week he was smoking. He has been in a crack binge since 7/2008 he violated Parole was sent back released and messed up again. Please continue on with your life crack will always win. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, I am still married have a block on my phone and I do not speak to him he loves crack end of story : (
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  #39  
Old 11-01-2008, 04:45 PM
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If you'd like, look up some of my posts and threads. Crack will always win. It was a nightmare dealing with his "missions", taking off with my car, being broke but always $$ to get high, his abuse, physical, emotional and mental. It's horrendous. We broke up a couple weeks ago bc he's a low down cheating jerk. But he still has a drug problem. he says he has no urge to do any drugs and that smoking crack is out of his system. For all of those familiar with crack and its hold on people, we all know this is a CROCK! Yea, wait until he hits the streets and it's all around him. I am trying to quit smoking and after being at my desk for 3 hours--I cannot wait to have a smoke and that is all I think about so imagine an addict getting out of jail.
It's so sad and so heart breaking bc the drug will win as long as the addict lets him. Crack is a very powerful drug and once it gets a hold on someone, it doesn't let go. I have cried, and darn near had a nervous breakdown bc of his bs. I pray for anyone who is an addict and all those who love the addict. It's heartbreaking.
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  #40  
Old 11-01-2008, 04:59 PM
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~Thank you so much for our post!~~~It is just what so many of us need to hear, but people are afraid to tell us how it is~~~I myself have never done or touched drugs of any kind and hed no clue as to the affects it has on a person~~~Then i mean my babys dad and he had been clean for 3 years(2 & 1/2 were in prison) so really he had only been clean less then a year~~~I had not idea when he re-lasped because I had never delt with it~~~Now that we have been through some stuff and he is "Clean"(while in prison) again, I am waiting to see how long he is really sober once he is out~~~I told him this is his last go around with me and after that I am done~~~I will be by his side as long as I know he is doing his best!~

~THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR POST!~
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  #41  
Old 12-12-2008, 09:37 PM
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wow! This is what I've been worried about for the past few weeks. My man is nearing his minimum- 6 months from now. He was also a meth addict and an alcoholic as well as diagnosed as bipolar. He's been in for 17 months so far. We've been together 5 years and I thought he had been in recovery for the first 4 of those years. The last year he was out was awful. He started using meth again and drinking all the time. Stealing from me every chance he could and selling all our stuff. He ended up going to jail on old warrents and If he wouldn't have been arrested then we would have split up. But he's been locked up for all this time and we have been focused on that and not his addictions. He says in every letter that things are different now and he will never use again. But as his minimum nears I'm scared. You guys are right being in prison isn't really clean time. He's only clean because he has no drugs avaliable to him, not necessarily because he wants too. I'm really stressing about him coming home again. I don't want to have to hide all our valuables and sneak around with our money anymore. I've been on my own since he's been in and I'm ok. I'm lonely but ok. I don't want to go back to t he way it was before, but I love him and want to give him a chance. How can I give him a fair chance if I'll always be suspicious of him and not trust him. That will be his excuse to use. Idon't know how to feel about this. Trust is everything!
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  #42  
Old 12-16-2008, 03:11 PM
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missi,
Good Luck on this mission you need all the luck and blessings you can get. I love my husband. He is a addict and will not stop! All the "clean" time in prison just doesn't mean a thing in the real world.

Mggwife, Your post sounds like my life! I'm off that merry go round still though..I'm working on myself and my bills and MY LIFE! He is on his own.

God Bless you all

Happy Holidays

Renee
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  #43  
Old 02-17-2009, 01:30 AM
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The truth about addiction is that it hurts everyone that loves the addict. I have the most loving sensitive loyal cute husband in the world when he is clean. Drugs changed him he was a liar a cheat and led others to sin when he was high for his own self gratification. He was a terrible husband and a very stupid man for allowing addiction to come back into his life.

Yes I know he is sick. But now he is sick in prison because he was killing his self out here in the free world. He crossed from meth to crack and the combination was like an explosion. I was watching him kill his self slowly one use at a time. Each flick of the lighter brought him one step closer to death. I found my self faced with the choice of closing my eyes and pretending it did not exist, since he had already fell alseep several times driving i could have just set back and let him kill a family by accident he has already moved from a functioning addict to a non functioning addict. It was down to just a matter of time before he died or killed someone in error. I did the only thing i felt i could do to save his life and prevent the harm of anyone else. I turned him in. The pain was unbareable at first I almost thought i would die from a broken heart.

I dont know if what i did will work or not. The one thing i do know is that I turned him over to God and anything you give to God comes back ten fold. I hold true to this. Can i say he will never use again? Hell no forced behavior in prison is nothing compared to free time on the streets. I know that I love him but will i stay with a practicing addict? Nope I wont. See i am an addict to I thru away 17 years of clean time back when his addiction first started and it was love for my kids and self respect that kept me from becoming what i use to be.

I cant live with anyone that does drugs because there is nothing that drugs have to offer anyone that is worth each persons life. If my husband lost the greater part of life because of his addiction that does not mean that i have to loose happiness in life so he can hold on to his addiction and i can hold on to him.

Addicts WILL victomize anyone they are close to they need an escape goat and they normally find the person they love the most to fill that void. Its always anyones fault but the addict. Leaving others to clean up the mess they made of life.

There is hope for the addict if they really truly want to change they can but it requires dedication and a plan and lots of support and the ability to admit they are powerless to make the change in life if they are gonna hang out or put themself in a postion to fall prey to the drug of choice that they worship.

The path to become and addict is free choice the road to quit is the same free choice. Some argue that thru God all things is possible and addiction can be simply removed. Ok true enough that God can change anything. However we who live in flesh are natural sinners and it is our choice to go back to the wicked ways of addiction.
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  #44  
Old 02-17-2009, 10:13 AM
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So many of us are in love or have loved a drug addict. As a recoverying addict like you, I know that I had to turn it over to God. I know that I have a disease that I will have to treat everyday for the rest of my life. My man has been using since he was 14 yrs old. He 3rd time locked up, never had the chance to go to any kind of rehab. Now at almost 40 yrs old he knows that things must be different. He has finally turned it over to God, and is working hard on some education while he is doing his time. He knows that he has to do make some big changes if he wants to stay clean & sober and stay out of prison. He is going to win this time....
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  #45  
Old 02-27-2009, 11:52 PM
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Hi,

Thank you for the valuable information. It's of great use. I am sure many people will benefit from this post.

Rah
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  #46  
Old 03-10-2009, 11:14 PM
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thank you got the posting it was so true and informative, my husband is in jail because of his addiction and i am struggling to beleive him that he want use again, this is killing me i want to just move on.
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  #47  
Old 10-30-2015, 01:33 AM
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Wow, its been a minute since I've been here!this is 6 2/2 years later!
I, the recovering addict,couldn't take it anymore and relapsed.didn't last but a few months,he went to prison and I relocated our family900 miles away to start a new life for all of us.he got out half hour later, came hereand All went well as far as staying clean went, for about one and a half years. he had a work injuryit was prescribed opiates!
oh, I guess I forgot to tell you what happened in between! he went from smoking crack to eating pills to shooting heroin! that's when I slipped.
anyhow, we lived in South Dakota for approximately 18 months when he was prescribed medications, opiates, and naturally was in excruciating pain! of course, he started abusing his medication. meanwhile, a tumor was found in my kidney, which was hurting a lot and I also was prescribedmedications I should not have been using.
Long story short,I was actually really relieved when we did not get any more prescriptions. on day 3 of suffering through withdrawal, he persuaded me to use another drug with him to get over the opiates. it has beenseveral months now that he keeps dragon that crap right in my face and I'm looking for a way out!I believe he is lost to the point where is simply does not care enough about us, whereas I I would rather die then continue dragging my family down.
for couple of years now and then very abusive emotionally- to the point me trying to commit suicide!
somehow, we got the idea that moving back to Ohio would be a good idea. Here I am, the weekend of our move, and I'm petrified! not just has he gone and spend most the extra money we had, but now, a day and a half before the move, we found out that the house will not be ready for another 2 weeks.we don't have any where to staywith our children and I've been sitting here realizing that nothing in the world will get better as long as I stay with him!I have never seen him hesitate to screw up our lives!I am hopeless! the very moment that I finally opened my eyes after 16 long years, find myself in the kids and the worst possible scenario!the kids and I have nowhere to escape to. which means that I will not get away from him trying to suck the left any out of our pockets.I realized that he does not have the intention to lead a normal life. he is lost!


the moral of the story is that now, more than before, I really ask anyone of you, who is just starting out a relationship with an addict, to read my post!
especially, if you have children!please, be cautious!addiction is a very, very powerful!

love and codependency our addictions, as well!please be careful and please do not think that you have the power to change someone's life. only they have that power!
don't allow yourself to get lost in loving someone!

not sure if any of the old members from way back are still here,I think of you guys often! Alexandrea, the first so-called PTO Baby just turned 13 years old. by the way, the baby shower you guys threw me was the first and last baby shower. she was Child number four of what was to be 8!
hugs to all of you out there struggling!
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  #48  
Old 11-01-2015, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by rodeointx View Post
The truth about addiction is that it hurts everyone that loves the addict. I have the most loving sensitive loyal cute husband in the world when he is clean. Drugs changed him he was a liar a cheat and led others to sin when he was high for his own self gratification. He was a terrible husband and a very stupid man for allowing addiction to come back into his life.

Yes I know he is sick. But now he is sick in prison because he was killing his self out here in the free world. He crossed from meth to crack and the combination was like an explosion. I was watching him kill his self slowly one use at a time. Each flick of the lighter brought him one step closer to death. I found my self faced with the choice of closing my eyes and pretending it did not exist, since he had already fell alseep several times driving i could have just set back and let him kill a family by accident he has already moved from a functioning addict to a non functioning addict. It was down to just a matter of time before he died or killed someone in error. I did the only thing i felt i could do to save his life and prevent the harm of anyone else. I turned him in. The pain was unbareable at first I almost thought i would die from a broken heart.

I dont know if what i did will work or not. The one thing i do know is that I turned him over to God and anything you give to God comes back ten fold. I hold true to this. Can i say he will never use again? Hell no forced behavior in prison is nothing compared to free time on the streets. I know that I love him but will i stay with a practicing addict? Nope I wont. See i am an addict to I thru away 17 years of clean time back when his addiction first started and it was love for my kids and self respect that kept me from becoming what i use to be.

I cant live with anyone that does drugs because there is nothing that drugs have to offer anyone that is worth each persons life. If my husband lost the greater part of life because of his addiction that does not mean that i have to loose happiness in life so he can hold on to his addiction and i can hold on to him.

Addicts WILL victomize anyone they are close to they need an escape goat and they normally find the person they love the most to fill that void. Its always anyones fault but the addict. Leaving others to clean up the mess they made of life.

There is hope for the addict if they really truly want to change they can but it requires dedication and a plan and lots of support and the ability to admit they are powerless to make the change in life if they are gonna hang out or put themself in a postion to fall prey to the drug of choice that they worship.

The path to become and addict is free choice the road to quit is the same free choice. Some argue that thru God all things is possible and addiction can be simply removed. Ok true enough that God can change anything. However we who live in flesh are natural sinners and it is our choice to go back to the wicked ways of addiction.
This is just what I needed to hear from someone who has a husband that has always had a drug addiction. I did everything to get him clean, he was a awesome guy until he picked up that spoon or pipe and used it for Heroin or Meth. His whole world changed, including how he treated us. He lied to us, I believe he cheated on me, used me as his scape goat for why he did what he did to land back in prison. I am not to blame for his choice to use drugs. I don't do illegal drugs and never have. I have researched Meth and its addiction, how it affects the brain, and when he will be back to his old self the one I fell in love and married over 16 years ago. But I do know now I won't turn the other cheek when he says he will stay clean. His drug addiction has cost thousands just to get him clean, but he always had an excuse to change up and go down that path again. And I am not to blame for why he stole from people. I pray he isn't going to get drugs in prison, and if CA and all other prisons come up with a system to stop this nonsense, more power to them. I am not medical by know means, but I do know meth or heroin or crack is the worst of them all. I just hope and pray my husband will just do his time and when he comes out this time he has his shit together. If not, it will end a lengthy marriage. And that one in itself is a hard one to swallow. Thanks for the post, it really helps people like myself and others understand the world of illegal drugs.
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HisWife401 (12-03-2015)
  #49  
Old 12-03-2015, 06:05 AM
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I have to say I am a huge enabler-- learned behavior from my mother(addict/co-dependent herself)!

One day I had given so much that I lost myself, completly. I ended up seeking therapy and reading every book you could (co-dependent no more is still a bible to me!) Funny that we enablers need help to learn that others actions are not our fault?!?

I still have the traits but know I recognize them and try to take action to change my behaviors and thoughts - we can't all cure co-dependency but you can learn to manage it. Addicts are a tough one for co-dependents as we will feed into thier addiction to keep them happy if we don't keep an eye on ourselves - Last year I had an ex, my very first boyfriend, tell me he should have married me as I could have kept him clean and out of trouble and I told him that I would have been his best friend and his worst enemy at the same time had we married when I was young!

My husband is an addict - FYI
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Old 12-06-2015, 07:33 PM
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I pray for my friend that he isn't headed for a relaspe. He spent a few years in prison due to committing a crime while high on drugs. When I met him, he was a functioning alcoholic and hid his drug use extremely well at first until it spiraled out of control. First, it was painkillers then eventually heroin and whatever else he could get his hands on.

He's been out a month and has gone back to smoking cigarettes and drinking. And also reconciling with his ex-fiancee who is a functional alcoholic. They had split because of his drug use that had gone out of control, cheating on her, stealing thousands of dollars from her over a course of a few years. Now she's back with him with his promises of staying away from drugs.

Even if he does stay away from the drugs, my concern is the drinking & driving. Not sure if he is even allowed to be drinking on parole.
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