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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 05-26-2015, 11:50 PM
TandE TandE is offline
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Unhappy Such a rollercoaster of emotions

I met my LO in January of 2014. I have been with this man through thick and thin. I see his intelligence, his sensitivity, how he understands me like no other. He has a substance abuse issue that he'd been clean from for about 3 years before I met him. Then a series of events caused a major relapse and here we are. He's in jail and looking at an unknown length of prison time.

Half the time I'm so angry with him and I feel betrayed. The other half of me knows this is what addiction is, and I'm sad. Then he sends me a letter and my heart (who has never had good judgment I'm afraid) kicks in and I know that I still love him.

Blah. This is just a vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far!
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Old 05-27-2015, 08:09 AM
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I'm sorry for what you are facing, and not knowing what that will be is the hardest time. Addiction is difficult to deal with too, almost like knowing something bad will happen, but not knowing when. I hope his stay in jail/prison will be all the motivation he needs to put drugs behind him, forever.
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Old 05-27-2015, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by TandE View Post
I met my LO in January of 2014. I have been with this man through thick and thin. I see his intelligence, his sensitivity, how he understands me like no other. He has a substance abuse issue that he'd been clean from for about 3 years before I met him. Then a series of events caused a major relapse and here we are. He's in jail and looking at an unknown length of prison time.

Half the time I'm so angry with him and I feel betrayed. The other half of me knows this is what addiction is, and I'm sad. Then he sends me a letter and my heart (who has never had good judgment I'm afraid) kicks in and I know that I still love him.

Blah. This is just a vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Addiction is something that's hard to go through especially with someone you love. It's hard because you see the man he truly is without drugs, but once he does them again, then he becomes a totally different person. I hope he's able to kick them for good and does a program. My heart goes out to you hun!

PS, I've moved this thread here, because I feel the people in this forum may be better able to empathize with you and give you some great advice in dealing with this!
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Old 05-28-2015, 12:28 AM
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The first thing I would do if I were in your shoes would be to get myself to a Nar-Anon meeting or an Al-Anon meeting. Those are a blessing and literally saved my life when I was dealing with my mother's alcoholism. You will learn a lot and it will definitely help you cope.
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Old 06-05-2015, 11:00 PM
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As someone not practicing in my addiction I can tell you I'd friggin LOVE to find someone who would blame themself for my choice to pick back up where I left off and still love me but that wouldn't happen for me with the people who support me in sobriety.
Like folks are telling you, go to the support group where others are like yourself trying to understand why we throw everything away for your own peace of mind. You cant control someone else's behavior or addiction. We're only responsible for ourselves no matter how deep the love runs. You need your own kind of support because it'll tear you apart inside and out alone.
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Old 06-06-2015, 06:04 AM
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I don't blame myself for his choices at all. I know that it has nothing at all to do with me as a person. Logically I know these things, emotionally I still get pissed about it. Mostly I get angry at addiction in general as this isn't the first time someone I love has been consumed by it. My brother is still struggling with it but that's a whole different story.
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Old 06-06-2015, 11:44 PM
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I don't blame myself for his choices at all. I know that it has nothing at all to do with me as a person. Logically I know these things, emotionally I still get pissed about it. Mostly I get angry at addiction in general as this isn't the first time someone I love has been consumed by it. My brother is still struggling with it but that's a whole different story.
Thats good you understand that you aren't to blame because many times that fact gets all jumbled up with our family & friends believing they could have stopped us in some way. It's horrible what we do to others so we can continue on our path of self destruction taking all those who love us plus sometimes innocent bystanders that we don't even remember their names.
You have every right to be angry because all your hopes,dreams,and life were changed by his choices. You need to express to him in detail what he did to you and that you will NEVER tolerate it again -and mean it. All addicts need support but for your own good i wouldn't put all my faith into a change until he's got a year or more sobriety from his demon of choice after release. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but that rollercoaster ride you mentioned in your title is being controlled right now threw piss test, CO's and many other factors. All of us on the path to find our triggers and contol our addictions are warned not to be in real relationships until we find our footing. It's actually a good rule and keeps friends and family from being taken to rock bottom with us if we fail.(again) its just not fair to you guys to live with the repercussions if we do.
Mary
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Old 06-07-2015, 12:50 PM
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Totally agreed. It's a conversation that I plan to have once he can have in person visits. I feel like I can't cover it all in a 15 min phone conversation, know what I mean? I already told him that he needs to get his life together before we can fix things between us. I don't plan to abandon him or anything, but he needs to understand how all this has affected me and what I won't tolerate. He needs to understand that even though I love him, I won't do this over and over and over again. I simply cannot do that. It will break my heart to pieces but I will walk if I don't see permanent changes happening.
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Old 07-08-2015, 08:49 PM
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Totally agreed. It's a conversation that I plan to have once he can have in person visits. I feel like I can't cover it all in a 15 min phone conversation, know what I mean? I already told him that he needs to get his life together before we can fix things between us. I don't plan to abandon him or anything, but he needs to understand how all this has affected me and what I won't tolerate. He needs to understand that even though I love him, I won't do this over and over and over again. I simply cannot do that. It will break my heart to pieces but I will walk if I don't see permanent changes happening.
Stay strong. I'm in the same boat as well with my dude. He's possibly getting out in a few months & wants us to do things together when released. I told him to focus on himself first and get his life back in order and then maybe us doing something fun
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Old 07-08-2015, 09:40 PM
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Default BF in prison and promising this is last time.

I sure do relate. I met my LO a year ago also, I think he had just started using 6 months after a 5 year incarceration but I didn't recognize it. We were having fun, fell in love and had the rollercoaster year with two probation violations and now he is in prison for three months. I am alternatively sad, mad, resigned or hopeful for us. I'm doing okay carrying on with my life as it was before I met him. But the thoughts that pop up naturally of him have me scratching my head. Why can't he overcome his addiction? Though he says I'm his best friend, I can't know what is driving his behavior. It's his to own and work out. Believe me, I gave my best and it was good enough. I'm up against a formidable foe-addiction. You too. I think I am postponing a severance of ties since I would, like you, rather talk face to face. I can't entertain the thoughts now, I just have to shelve them for the time being. I have written quite a bit in a journal and see where this appeals to my rescue superhero tendencies but will try a 12 step meeting to just get out of my superhero patterns and grow a bit. I feel like I spent the better part of this past year tending him and now need to tend myself. I would think that 15 years of in and out of prison from ages 30-45 would have schooled him already. Sad that I can't solve this one huge problem for him. Accepting that is hard because he is an incredible joy to love and deserves to be loved. Here's a hug. Keep venting. Keep thinking and feeling as honestly as you can.


QUOTE=TandE;7447004]I met my LO in January of 2014. I have been with this man through thick and thin. I see his intelligence, his sensitivity, how he understands me like no other. He has a substance abuse issue that he'd been clean from for about 3 years before I met him. Then a series of events caused a major relapse and here we are. He's in jail and looking at an unknown length of prison time.

Half the time I'm so angry with him and I feel betrayed. The other half of me knows this is what addiction is, and I'm sad. Then he sends me a letter and my heart (who has never had good judgment I'm afraid) kicks in and I know that I still love him.

Blah. This is just a vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far![/quote]
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