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View Poll Results: Did you grow up in an abusive enviornment?
YES 194 65.54%
NO 102 34.46%
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  #126  
Old 06-06-2007, 08:25 AM
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kalibabe64 - I am glad you are no longer avoiding us. That shows that you have the strength and courage to face all those deamons.

I think it is fantastic that you were able to go to the grave and say all that you wanted and didnt get a chance to while your Dad was living.

My Mother was 95 when she died and I was fortunate to have the time with her to talk to her about most everything. Of course at that age I am sure she did not comprehend alot of it, but I did give it a try.

With Father it was different, because he died unexpectently and I never had the chance. So, I wrote him a letter and sent it to an older gentleman, who I idetified with as father. That helped.

Know that we are all here for you. Take good care of yourself and be well.
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  #127  
Old 06-06-2007, 10:10 PM
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Yes, I did also. My father was a drug addict and beat my mother on a regular basis. The police were at our house alot but my father would leave me alone when he heard the police coming so he wouldn't get caught. He was also sexually abusive to my mother (rape, etc). He molested me off and on for years from 3yrs.-10 yrs. My father even told my mother when I turned 5 he was going to have sex w/ me. They divorced when I was 4yrs. old but too late. The courts finally took his parental rights away. I am the only female my father has ever been afraid of. When I turned 16-I confronted him face-face. I am the only female that has had a confrontation w/ him w/o been beating severly. My father saying was "a woman asks for a beating when she back talks her man". He just never met a strong woman before. I forgave him but never let my daughters later in my life near him due to sexual abuse history. I know he also molested his 4 other children (3 boys and 1 girl) w/ his 2nd wife. They left state and went into hiding. I can't say I blame them. My maternal grandfather was also physically and sexually abusive when my mother was young girl. Once he quit drinking alcohol he was a good man ( in my eyes). My grandfather was my everything. I tell people you have to move on and try not to dwell on the past cause it will only hold you back. I try to avoid abusive relationship at all cost (only 1 and left after the public attack) and not be abusive myself w/ my upraising background. And definitely no drugs allowed; my father went into his final rehab for millionth time4 years ago and is supposedly clean for the first time. I' ll quit jabbering on and on. Good luck to everyone on your healing processes!

Last edited by ghostsbabygirl; 06-06-2007 at 10:21 PM..
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  #128  
Old 06-17-2007, 01:37 AM
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I didn't see violence growing up. My parents have now been married 32 years, and the only fights they have gotten into have been over me. My dad doesn't know how to leave me alone when i'm upset, angry, pissed off or anything like that. They fought because dad & I would fight & then mom & him would fight because "it just isn't worth it david" as she says. Its alot better now. I just leave when I don't want to be bothered. Or don't come home untill they are in bed. Yes I'm married, 27 and live at home. But it's easier than moving out by myself while Tony is locked up. And this way I can have money saved so we can get a nice place.
I think that is why my family had such a hard time when I was with my ex. They didn't know what to do or how to help cuz abuse wasn't the "norm" in my family.
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  #129  
Old 07-15-2007, 02:52 AM
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My Father was an abusive alcoholic and most of my relationships have been as well. I've tried to change that pattern, but have been mostly unsuccessful. If anyone has any ideas, I am open to them.
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  #130  
Old 09-27-2007, 07:19 PM
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Yes and yes. Unfortunately my father was physically and verbally abusive, and I found myself treating people in my life that way when I became an adult because it was all I knew. I've had to sit down and cry my way through the pain, and pray and make the effort to change the cycle. Now, instead of being like daddy, I live my life to be the opposite of him. Sometimes you have to know how to be, from knowing how not to be.
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  #131  
Old 10-02-2007, 04:01 AM
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Originally Posted by MiamiChica22
I grew up in a family that was dysfunctional, I was both verbally and physically abused. But I have determined that the cycle of violence will end with me and not be passed on to my daughter.

WELL DONE !!! I vowed the same and my kids (son 14 daughter 12) know NOTHING of it all !!!

I feel ya - i really do xxxxxxxxxx
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  #132  
Old 10-02-2007, 09:38 AM
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My early childhood was good, "normal"...at least what I could remember. Either that or my parents did a good job at making an acceptable outward appearance??? We moved alot with my fathers work. Mother was NEVER happy. Nothing was ever enough for her. She grew up an only child....around a huge family of cousins that were extremely wealthy. She was so envious of their lifestyle...& always wanted more. I can remember the fighting really beginning when I was around 10 yrs. old. My father begin to drink more & more...to deal with my mom's BS. I can't say I blame the man...she was so intolerable. Her excuse for wanting out of the marriage was he's an alcoholic. Ok, he completed rehab (in which she didn't go, or even bring us kids, to his graduation ceremony for succesfully completing the program). That really hurt him. She divorced him immediately after. Within a month, she remarried...out of nowhere! She said she thought she had a lump in her breast (which she never had) & married this guy for insurance purposes. BS. She had known this man since she was in college. He was very wealthy. He came looking for her several yrs. earlier...ugh, right about the time the fighting with my dad began. Hmmm, go figure. Being the middle child...I was the hard headed, outspoken one. He felt children were to be seen, not heard. Boy did we butt heads! Within a month of their marriage....he beat me unmercifully! I was 14 yrs. old...& had NEVER been through anything like that...as my father was very loving & supportive...never had to discipline us. Yes, we had got spankings...but NEVER beat! My mother stood by & never said a word. Not until I almost jumped out a second story window to escape him. I never shed not one tear! I wouldn't let that bastard have the satisfaction. The next thing I know, I'm being literally dumped out in the middle of the night...5 hrs. from home...at a group home for troubled teens. He didn't want me around...so there ya go. I ended up in a foster home within a year where I was sexually abused by my foster brother & father...exploited through child pornography. My mother was made aware...but chose to leave me in the home. Real nice, huh? I eventually went to live with my father. My foster father & brother were arrested & tried (got off with a slap on the wrist) for what they had done to me (as well as MANY other girls that lived in the home yrs. prior). I went through my teenage yrs. hurt, angry, & rebelious...ended up being in & out of juvenile detention centers, girls homes, etc...but made it through. I am the person I am today...because of my experiences...stronger & wiser! I have two wonderful children, a successful business, & the love of my life! My father has been sober for 17 yrs. now...remarried to a wonderful lady...life is good (great) for him. My mother is still with asshole (who is a raging alcoholic)...who ended up not only losing everything he had...but went through all of my grandmothers estate as well (through my mother). They're flat ass broke & miserable! I hate to say they're getting what they deserve...but I'm a firm believer in what comes around goes around! And boy oh boy are thet getting theirs! Yes, I have forgiven my mother & moved on. I had to. I won't be consumed by things I can't change. The way I look at it...how can we expect to be forgiven...if we can't forgive of others? Just because you forgive someone...doesn't mean you have to trust them...or even like them...it just releases you from harboring resentful emotions. What doesn't kill us...makes us stronger.

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  #133  
Old 10-04-2007, 05:45 PM
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yes i grew up in an abusive environment my father was on drugs and abused my mother until she left him i was 6 at the time my mother became verbally and physically abusive towards me and the other children i was kicked out when i was 13 i got on drugs started a life of crime i was in and out of jail until i went to prison i was the victim of domestic violence then i became the abuser because i didnt want to be like my mother i was always told that i was like my father i was but not anymore i have been clean for 16 months no more powder cocaine marijuana ecstacy of alcohol i was always a functioning addict self employed for many years i just got tired of hurting i knew i had to change
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  #134  
Old 10-04-2007, 05:49 PM
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Sutherndreamgirl,
Wow, your life story is so powerful. Thank you for being so strong and taking the time out to share it with us. Many of us go through sorrowful times in our life and we don't know why. You are right, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Thank God you survived all of that and are here to share your experiences with us, and possibly with someone who is experiencing the same things. I hope you may give someone the courage to hang on a little while longer in hopes of seeing the light at the end of a very dark domestic violence tunnel.
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  #135  
Old 10-13-2007, 01:05 AM
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I truly believe it's not so much "what" happen's in our life, but "how" we choose to deal with it. Hopefully with our life experiences...we in turn can offer something back...help someone else....because we do truly understand. At least it wouldn't have all been in vane. No matter how bad things are (or have been)...we have to count our blessings...because there is always others that go through so much more.
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  #136  
Old 10-22-2007, 11:00 PM
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My mother was mentally ill and could be extremely violent. I was raised by my aunt and uncle and they were nice calm people. My mother was always in a marriage that was violent. She would get beaten and then her last husband she would attack him. Several times she beat my brother, myself and seldom my younger sister but she did punch her in the stomach when she was barely 8 months.. I was visiting her for the summer and had never seen anyone hit a child,my aunt and uncle never hit me or cussed me so it was a shock.
I grew up to be violent and a screamer . My first husband was abusive and my second husband very abusive, I had a broken nose on several occasions and I don't know how many black eyes, broken fingers etc. He would beat me with the end of a rifle and then demand sex, that was while I was 6 months pregnant. My current husband has never hit me but he is extremely argumentive,especially when he does not get his way. He has threatend to "knock my teeth out" I have had him bust down the bathroom door when we were fighting and things were getting out of control before he went to prison this last time.. He has grabbed me by the hair, shoved me down , held my face to the ground, stating that he could kill me, he has choked me and fractured my foot by crushing it with his own. We were both under alot of stress, he drank from as early as 5 am on and when we fought we fought. He grew up under a very cruel father, who beat them from the age of 4 on up. It has been a violent lifetime, but I have become a stronger person and compassionate and have brought up 3 very compassionate and loving children.. I am actually filled with peace now .
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  #137  
Old 11-02-2007, 11:54 PM
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I was raised in a abusive home. My dad is still crazy. Glad I am out of there.
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  #138  
Old 06-10-2012, 08:14 PM
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Unhappy Abuse.

I wouldn't say so, but I did experience a lot of abuse. I was raised by my grandparents, and they verbally fought a lot. My uncle also raped me from the time I was four until seventeen.
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  #139  
Old 06-12-2012, 09:38 AM
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Brandon's Babe, are you in complete denial? Both of those constitute growing up with abuse! No question about it!
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  #140  
Old 06-12-2012, 11:00 PM
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Yes I grew up with constant abuse. My father was wonderful but he died when I was just a kid.
My mother was mean, abusive, narcississtic, suffered well and made us all suffer with her every day of her life.
I was told nearly every day that she did not want me, but my father did, so she put up with the pregnancy. I ruined her figure and apparently it was my fault that her labor was 36 hours long. I went out to work at 14 and she took every dime I made. She tried to stop me from going to nursing school, and when that did not work, she never visited my campus once.
I moved out when I was 17, went to college right out of high school on full scholarship. Most of my life was spent learning what I never wanted to be like. My mother was the perfect representation of everything I never wanted to be - and I succeeded. I am nothing like her.

She died in 2009 in my arms slapping me and blaming me for the pain she was in. One of my brothers was crying and asked me how I could stand it. She left this world screaming profanities at me.

I don't miss her. Never did. I feel like I raised myself in spite of her presence in the home. There are no memories of a girls day or night out, no meals, no memory of lunch unless in school, no memory of homework help or really anything. The last coherent thing she said to me was "You are way too fat!". After that is was just all slaps and screams because apparently the morphine drip did not take away the pain which of course was my fault.
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  #141  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:01 AM
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Sure did.. mostly verbally, I don't recall any physical.. but idk it was mostly when I was very young...
Still very horrible...
I learned bad habit from it.. which has ruined most of my relationships quite honestly

Last edited by mandarose; 06-13-2012 at 09:03 AM..
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  #142  
Old 06-13-2012, 10:29 AM
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Both mom and dad were drunks, but I never saw my dad. Mom used to have parties alot in which some of her doped up friends had touched me. While everyone else had sex and fought physically. Average week. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive until I was 14 then she started getting violent with me. It may sound weird but she used to manipulate my mind. Does that qualify as abusive? I've never been too sure.
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  #143  
Old 06-13-2012, 03:14 PM
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yes i grew up seeing it all .. its sad cus wen i was with my ex i went thru the same thing and put my kids thru it all. thank god i left him wen i did cus now im with my fiance and hes not the abusive type . we are strong woman to be put thru something so bad in life but we are victorious to overcome
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  #144  
Old 06-13-2012, 04:53 PM
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Both mom and dad were drunks, but I never saw my dad. Mom used to have parties alot in which some of her doped up friends had touched me. While everyone else had sex and fought physically. Average week. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive until I was 14 then she started getting violent with me. It may sound weird but she used to manipulate my mind. Does that qualify as abusive? I've never been too sure.
yes, that's just another form of psychological/emotional abuse
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  #145  
Old 06-13-2012, 04:57 PM
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Both mom and dad were drunks, but I never saw my dad. Mom used to have parties alot in which some of her doped up friends had touched me. While everyone else had sex and fought physically. Average week. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive until I was 14 then she started getting violent with me. It may sound weird but she used to manipulate my mind. Does that qualify as abusive? I've never been too sure.
my mom was the exact opposite - physically and emotionally abusive until I was about 13. At 13, she hit me one time too many without provocation, and I was finally big enough that I backed her into a corner telling her that was it. If she ever hit me again, I would hit back. Apparently, I was convincing.

My older brother, however, has alway been violent with me, right up to the last time I saw him.

Both parents are/were drunks (Dad's dead, Mom's "recovering" - I use the word in quotation marks because she really's just switched her manipulative narcissistic ways to the people in the 12 step meetings since we kids are out of the house). My older brother's a drunk and an addict.

Let's hear it for dysfunctional families!
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  #146  
Old 06-13-2012, 05:04 PM
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Yes I grew up with constant abuse. My father was wonderful but he died when I was just a kid.
My mother was mean, abusive, narcississtic, suffered well and made us all suffer with her every day of her life.
I was told nearly every day that she did not want me, but my father did, so she put up with the pregnancy. I ruined her figure and apparently it was my fault that her labor was 36 hours long. I went out to work at 14 and she took every dime I made. She tried to stop me from going to nursing school, and when that did not work, she never visited my campus once.
I moved out when I was 17, went to college right out of high school on full scholarship. Most of my life was spent learning what I never wanted to be like. My mother was the perfect representation of everything I never wanted to be - and I succeeded. I am nothing like her.

She died in 2009 in my arms slapping me and blaming me for the pain she was in. One of my brothers was crying and asked me how I could stand it. She left this world screaming profanities at me.

I don't miss her. Never did. I feel like I raised myself in spite of her presence in the home. There are no memories of a girls day or night out, no meals, no memory of lunch unless in school, no memory of homework help or really anything. The last coherent thing she said to me was "You are way too fat!". After that is was just all slaps and screams because apparently the morphine drip did not take away the pain which of course was my fault.
Your mom and my grandmom must be twins separated at birth or something. Same violent narcissism, game playing bullshit.

fwiw, I did the same thing - got out to college and did everything myself. My goal, too, was to not be like my mom, grandmother, or brother. I frequently wonder how successful I've been, but then I've adopted my mom's hypercriticism skills. I try to stuff a sock in it, but nobody's as good as tearing me down and making me feel bad as that part of myself that just lays into me.

I can say, I've never laid into another person just so that I can feel better. I just can't cause that kind of pain. I can't feel good about causing that kind of pain.

Mourning the loss of a mother (by this I mean not having a mother in your life ever, not the actual death of a mother) is difficult. Mourning that loss while dealing with somebody like your mom and mine is like a knife twist to the heart.

Glad you're here, and you got through as a feeling, contributing human being.
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  #147  
Old 06-19-2012, 02:10 AM
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Mourning the loss of a mother (by this I mean not having a mother in your life ever, not the actual death of a mother) is difficult. Mourning that loss while dealing with somebody like your mom and mine is like a knife twist to the heart.

Glad you're here, and you got through as a feeling, contributing human being.
beautifully said, yourself. This is similar to my mom's experience with her dingbat mother. I did grow up in an abusive household for part of my life. My dad was a narcissistic fundamentalist Muslim who threatened, hit and cheated on my mom. He was also terrible to my older sister, his stepdaughter. He disowned her on her 11th birthday.

He was mostly just emotionally abusive to me and my other siblings. He moved back to his hone country 15 years ago and continued to mess with our heads for a few more years. My mom, despite her upbringing and her abusive marriage, is an absolutely wonderful mom. I am extremely lucky.
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  #148  
Old 07-16-2012, 11:13 AM
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I grew up in HELL! My parents were married for twenty seven years and both are still Ali e and miserable. Both were abusive towards me - my father beat all of is " whether we needed it or not" on a regular basis and my mom mentally and verbally abused us. I ended up marrying three men who are just like my father and fortuneatly I became an alcoholic just like them. Only major difference was I became sick and tired of being sick and tired and git sober and continued to get help. I've worked hard in AA and in the mental health clinic. I've overcome a life of turmoil simply because I MADE A DECISION TO DO SO! I know in my heart and mind that I'm not perfect nor do I want to be, but I thank God I made that decision back in 1990 as I know and feel in my heart that a chain of abuse HAS BEEN BROKEN! I refuse to let anyone control me or hurt me ever. I foughtto long and too hard to get where I am today. The Weller I get as time goes on, the SICKER my parents look. I do have a relationship with both of them today and as time goes by the forgiveness process has gotten easier. They are both in their mid seventies and are having health issues galore and of course I am their nursemaid. Some of you may wonder how I'm able to do this, but honestly, bottom lone is that they are my parents and I've come to realize that they simply gave to me what was unfortuneately given to them. If it sounds like I'm making excuses for them, I'm not. I just live in the real world and deal with what is factual. I've been able to grow and heal from my horrible childhood and early adult Hood and not too many of us can say that they have been this fortunate. I still get the flashbacks and bad memories, but I am fortunate in the aspect that I'm able to recognise it when it happens and I'm able to talk about it with someone and work through it all. I'm fifty one years old, I have three daughters and eight grandchildren and a wonderful man in my life today and I'm happy, joyous and free. I'm also a strong woman and I AM AN UNDEFEATED SURVIVOR!
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  #149  
Old 07-16-2012, 04:17 PM
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My father has admitted now we are adults that he didn't really like having little kids about (there was just two of us) and wasn't "there" for us when we were growing up. Like I didn't already know that! Unless we were going away on a holiday my dad never took any annual leave during school breaks. He avoided us unless he wanted "a hand" with something. I was great for getting under the car to help fix it because I was the smallest! I remember putting on music I knew he liked in an attempt to get him to like being with me.

My mother was harsh, she's one of those mums that just looks at you and you shut up. She worked too, and by the time I was 13 I was the first one home and therefore preparing meals for the family most nights. Some nights both my parents and my brother would ring to say they weren't coming home for dinner as they had to work late so it would be just me and the cat for food. I did my homework alone, did lots of the washing and ironing alone, cooked and washed up alone. Occasionally I would take myself to bed at bedtime and fall asleep in the house on my own.

I wasn't beaten, or shouted at, or physically neglected. I was just on my own. Nobody was really interested in me beyond the banal day to day stuff. I doubt anyone could've told you what I was "into" - my father took 20 years to remember when our birthdays are. My mother had a demanding job which I knew in detail because it was a way of having a conversation with her.

I was useful which was better than being a difficulty.

I don't know if that's abuse but all I know is I'm trying not to recreate the same feeling in our house. I'm not always succeeding, but I'm trying. I'm the worst at saying "I love you" in our house, but my parents have never said it to me so every time I manage it is a plus.
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:39 PM
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My parents to this day look at me like I'm weird when I hug my daughters and my grandchildren and tell them that I love them. I've never heard those words from my parents. I suspect its because they were never told those words by their parents and so on.......
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